


Moonlit Sonata

by luvinpadfoot



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Marauders' Era, Other, Romance, young adult
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-10
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-03-07 00:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 99,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3154541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvinpadfoot/pseuds/luvinpadfoot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ana’s world is turned upside down when she’s bitten by a werewolf the summer before her seventh year. Expelled from Durmstrang, she has no choice but to transfer to Hogwarts and learn to live with her lycanthropy.</p><p>But she has more to worry about than just keeping her secret. The Marauders are less than friendly to the newcomer from Durmstrang. To Sirius she serves as a reminder of the past and family he has left behind. Remus can't look at her without seeing the monstrous part of him he tries to forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Remus Lupin

I surveyed the students boarding the Hogwarts Express nervously. They were loud, shouting at each other out the windows and across the platform. Their parents were hardly any better as they frantically waved goodbye to their children and yelled bits of advice that would never be heeded.

Even under different circumstances, better circumstances, it would have been nerve wracking. How could I ever manage to make myself at home with all these people who had known each other for years?

A comforting word or another goodbye hug would have been nice, but I’d already sent my parents home. There hadn’t seemed to be a reason for them to stick around right up until the train left.

I regretted that decision.

I waited by my trunk as I had for the last hour. Another student, one from my year, was supposed to meet me and show me around, but he didn’t seem to be anywhere. I only had a name to go by as I’d never met him before, but I thought he would look for me.

Eleven o’clock drew nearer so I gave up on my waiting and pulled my trunk onto the train. It was heavy, but I barely noticed the weight. Mum had grunted and groaned when she lifted my trunk down the stairs, but it was nothing for my newfound strength.

I found a compartment by myself and decided to wait a while before trying to find the boy again. Everything had been happening so quickly. Only a few weeks ago I wasn’t even sure I’d ever leave my house again, let alone attend Hogwarts.

Dad had promised to get me a private tutor so I could pass my final year, but I wasn’t sure I even wanted that. I still wasn’t sure about Hogwarts, but the offer had been too good to pass up.

That and Dad put his foot down when I refused to leave the house for even brief excursions. He rescinded his offer of a tutor and I was left with Hogwarts as my only option.

The platform left a gnawing feeling in my gut that it had been the wrong decision. I missed all my Durmstrang friends. Everyone my age at Hogwarts have known each other for years. Maybe last year I could have fit in, but not now. Too much had happened.

After an hour, I left my quiet compartment. Dumbledore had said I was expected, that someone would help me, but I hadn’t seen that so far.

I began walking down the train looking for the Heads’ compartment. It was a tradition Hogwarts had that Durmstrang didn’t and it made me nervous. If any student received extra authority at Durmstrang it was abused in an instant. The professors almost encouraged it. I would have preferred to avoid these Heads, but if anyone could help me find the boy I was looking for it would be them.

When I found the compartment, I quietly knocked on the door. I kept my head down and bit my lip.

The door opened and a girl spoke. “I don’t know you.” She sounded surprised and rather curious, as though she’d expected someone else at the door. I glanced up and instantly noticed her bright red hair. Her eyebrows were drawn together in a frown.

My face burned crimson and I spoke, my voice hardly above a whisper. “I-I’m new,” I mumbled. Once I hadn’t been so shy. Never outgoing, but I’d always managed to string a few coherent sentences together.

Her eyes lit up and the frown lifted from her face. She seemed almost friendly. “Oh! Dumbledore mentioned you, I remember now.”

I took a quick step away from the girl.

Dumbledore had mentioned me? I knew he’d told the boy everything, but had it really been necessary to inform the Head Girl? What if she told someone? My breathing quickened and I started to panic, but the girl was speaking again.

“We don’t have new students very often, except the first years of course. You’re the first that I’ve noticed. Is something wrong?” She must have noticed my fear. I’d have to be careful around her, she was astute.

I shook my head. Since she was still being so nice and hadn’t slammed the door in my face or hexed me, I had to assume she didn’t know. That was a relief and one less thing to worry about on a very long list.

The panic eased from my mind, but my stomach had yet to unclench. There was always the possibility someone had friends at Durmstrang, or their parents had heard something or a professor slipped up.

“Your name is Ana, right?” I nodded and the girl smiled even wider. She must have been one of those who just loved it when they had the correct answers. My friend Mascha was like that. I felt a pang as I thought of her, but banished the thought from my mind. “I’m Lily Evans, Head Girl. The Head Boy isn’t around yet, but I’m sure you’ll meet him later.”

I nodded again, but I was still caught up in my thoughts. In another life, Lily and I could have been friends. She seemed nice, if a little too eager, but I wasn’t planning on getting close to anyone. In just a year I’d be gone. My plans were to move to America, I’d heard things were different there. At the very least no one had heard of me and I could live as a muggle.

“-wish I could give you a map, but I don’t think one’s ever been made. There’s a fair bit of prejudice if you’re muggleborn and if you are I’d steer clear of some of the Slytherins. They can get nasty.”

I was a pureblood, as was everyone else at Durmstrang. That particular prejudice wouldn’t cause problems for me.

“I assume you’re caught up on your studies, but if you need any help I can tutor you. Did I miss anything?”

I hadn’t paid attention to the whole spiel, but I was sure she hadn’t. There was one thing I needed help with, though. “I’m er looking for Remus Lupin. Could you maybe help me find him?”

Something shifted slightly in Lily’s expression. It wasn’t exactly a scowl and the smile remained in place, but her entire face tensed. “Of course.” Her voice was prim and clipped.

As she headed down the corridor I had to trot to keep up with her. The chattering that had been nonstop in the Heads’ compartment had ceased when I mentioned Remus’s name.

A sickening thought struck me. Maybe she knew what he was. Maybe the whole school knew what he was. If that was the case I’d have to distance myself from him quickly. I couldn’t have people associating me with that.

Lily halted outside of one compartment, the one I assumed Remus was in. “I have to warn you about something,” she said.

I sucked in a deep breath. This was it. I knew coming to Hogwarts was a bad idea when Dumbledore offered me admission. Everyone knew about Remus and now they’d know about me too. If I owl Dad tonight, maybe he’ll let me come home before classes start, before anyone has the chance to remember me.

“Remus is a nice enough bloke on his own, but you’ll want to be careful of spending too much time around him. His friends are-” Lily paused and her face tinged slightly. “Well, complete wankers to put it bluntly.”

“What?” I wasn’t expecting that at all. Maybe I was being a bit paranoid about things. I shouldn’t jump every time someone says something that could be taken the wrong way.

“His friends,” Lily repeated, her hands still on the compartment door. “They call themselves the marauders. They’re pranksters.” It was clear by the way she said it that pranksters was meant to be a dirty word.

I shrugged. There weren’t many pranksters at Durmstrang. They didn’t put up with that kind of nonsense. Punishments were given out easily and students inclined to that sort of behavior rarely had the energy after classes and punishment work.

Lily sighed and slid open the door. She stepped in first and let me come around beside her. There were four boys in the compartment, all of them our age. They had that calm ease about them that came with self confidence.

The first had shaggy black hair and the sculpted face that girls loved to swoon over. I could practically feel his arrogance as he looked us over.

The second wore glasses and had a messy mop of hair. He was skinnier, but still muscular. His eyes lit up when he saw Lily and that was when I noticed the Head Boy badge pinned to his robes.

A cough drew my attention to a blond boy with watery blue eyes. He was attractive enough, but nothing like the other two. He almost reminded me of a friend from Durmstrang, the way he slouched over his seat.

It was the last boy that kept my attention, though. He had several visible scars on his face and arms, all of them pale and faded. He was also the only one not staring at me and Lily. I knew this had to be Remus.

“Lily, hi!” The Head Boy ran his hand through his hair, making it even messier.

Lily sniffed, but didn’t respond to his greeting. It struck me as rather snobby since the Head Boy seemed nice enough, but I would be the first to admit I didn’t know the whole story there.

“Ana, this is Remus.” She gestured at the boy with the scars. “I’ll leave you in his capable hands.”

She left the compartment and the Head Boy jumped up to follow her. The door slammed shut behind him and muffled the rest of their conversation so I turned to the three boys who were still staring at me.

“Who’s this, Moony?” Asked the boy with the shaggy black hair. “New girlfriend?”

“Hardly,” he muttered, not bothering to look up from his text.

I blushed deeply and shook my head. “I’m a er, new student.” My voice trembled as I spoke. The other two boys made me nervous, but Remus was terrifying. I’d known for a month I was going to meet him, but it was almost too much to handle.

I should know better than to fear him for what he is. After all, he’s just like me. But years of Durmstrang education schooled me otherwise and old habits die hard.

“A new student?” Asked the blonde boy. “You can just show up for your seventh year and skip everything else?”

“The slacker’s way out,” the first boy mused, a smirk on his face. “I do approve.”

I bit my lip and cast my gaze toward the ground. Being stared at by these boys was worse than being stared at by the Healers. At least they had a good reason.

“I’m Peter,” said the blonde boy. “This is Sirius. The Big Head Boy chasing after Lily is James. And you obviously know Remus.” I nodded even though I didn’t know Remus. This was the first time we’d met and so far he’d only said one word.

“So Ana,” Sirius said, a flirty smile dancing across his face. “What’s your story?”

I had rehearsed a lie with my father earlier in the week, but now my mind was blank. The only thing I could think of was the truth, so I settled for a vague statement. “I came from er, Durmstrang,” I said and left it at that.

Those few simple words darkened Sirius’s face immediately. The smile disappeared and he scowled at me ferociously. “Merlin, what’re you doing with her, Moony?” His tone made it clear we were not going to be friends.

Remus shrugged and I assumed Moony must be his nickname. “Dumbledore wanted me to show her around.” He didn’t add anything else and I continued to stand awkwardly by the door with my trunk at my feet. No one offered me a seat and I wasn’t about to force my presence on them.

I’d thought Remus would be a little more welcoming.

The compartment door flew open and the Head Boy, James as Peter had called him, came back in. He had an easy smile as he threw himself on the seat beside Sirius. I stared at him, willing him to invite me to sit down, but he ignored me completely and turned to his friend.

“Her resolve is weakening. It’s only a matter of time.”

Sirius snorted. “Evans is never going to say yes.”

“All she needs is some time,” James insisted. Neither spoke for a moment, then James seemed to notice my presence. Instead of speaking to me, he glanced at Sirius. “What’s with her?”

“New student from Durmstrang.” He said Durmstrang the same way Lily said pranksters, as if it was a filthy word.

James finally turned to me. “Durmstrang, eh? I’ve heard awful things about that place. My Mum told me they teach the dark arts above all else.”

That wasn’t exactly true. We did learn the dark arts, but we needed to. How can you receive a well rounded education if you skip a major subject? That was one of Dad’s problems with Hogwarts, that Dumbledore didn’t teach the dark arts.

“We learned a bit,” I said, biting my lip nervously.

Sirius scowled. “Why are you even in here? We’re Gryffindors. The Slytherins are your type of people.”

Lily had mentioned the Slytherins earlier, told me to stay away from them. I’d done a bit of reading about Houses over the summer and ironically before everything happened I probably would have fit in with the Slytherins the best. But they didn’t take too kindly to half-breeds like me and Remus.

“Lay off her, Padfoot,” James said, diffusing the tension as if he did it all the time. “She could be different.”

“She’s no different from the lot of them,” Sirius snapped. He eyed me up and down. “Pureblood, definitely. Not an arranged marriage, but you’ve been set up with suitable matches before. You’ve been to formal balls, several a year, I’d say. Maybe even the annual Black Christmas Ball. Am I right?”

I wasn’t able to refute any of the statements but the last one, so I latched onto it. “We’ve never actually been to the Black’s Christmas Ball.” My dad gets an invite most years, but we’ve never attended.

“I must speak with dear old Mum about that,” Sirius said, his voice full of spite. “Perhaps your owl got sidetracked by a dead mouse.”

His mother? How could he fling such accusations at me when he himself was a Black? My mouth must have dropped open because James intervened once again. “Padfoot, talk a walk.” Sirius didn’t move, but he didn’t say anything else to me either.

The tension in the compartment was still there, but at least now I wasn’t being verbally attacked over Durmstrang. I’d have to tread carefully around Sirius. He’d go out of his way to hurt me, to alienate me from the rest of the school.

And if he learned my secrets that certainly wouldn’t be difficult to orchestrate.


	2. First Classes

I woke in my dorm room the next morning to the soft snores of my roommates. The other girls were still asleep which didn’t surprise me, even at Durmstrang I’d been an early riser. Today it gave me a chance to at least attempt to remember all the information that had been flung at me the night before.

Some things I knew already; basic information about Hogwarts, Houses, and classes, but everything else was new. I was still trying to keep track of names and directions.

There were the Marauders, as Lily called them, Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter who I met on the train.

Then there were my roommates, the Gryffindor seventh years. Dumbledore decided over the summer that I would be a part of Gryffindor as it was Remus’s House. If anyone asked I just told them I was sorted over the summer.

The Gryffindor seventh years were five girls, including Lily, who had known each other for years. Seven years, to be more specific. I only met them late last night when I was already exhausted and as a result didn’t remember many of their names.

There was Lily in the far bed by the window. I could see her bright red hair spread across the pillow. Beside her were two girls who appeared to be best friends. I couldn’t remember either of their names, but I was sure one started with an M.

My bed was in the middle and to my right were the other two girls. They were both pretty brunettes who preferred to keep to themselves. I think they had friends in other Houses, but they seemed like nice enough roommates. If I remembered correctly their names were Paige and Evie, although which was which I had no idea.

Instead of sitting alone in a room where everyone else was asleep, I dressed and headed down to the common room.

The Hogwarts uniform took a little getting used to. The robes were much lighter than mine had been at Durmstrang and there was a lack of fur because the castle itself was warmer. Fires were lit in every corridor I’d passed the night before which not only cast a nice glow on the walls, but also warmed the air.

Downstairs was empty, as it was only the first day, and we hadn’t even got our class schedule yet. At Durmstrang there were people up at all hours of the night pouring over their books. With such a rigorous course load some used spells or potions to keep themselves awake so they could entirely devote themselves to their studies.

I’d never done anything like that and my grades were marginal as a result. I wasn’t destined for great things, but there had still been some hope for my future. Now I’m sure my parents wished they’d had more children while they still could.

The sound of footsteps padding down the stairs jerked me from my thoughts. Lily was standing in the stairwell looking tired. Sleep made her features softer. “I heard you get up. Everything alright?”

We’d only known each other for a day. There was no need for her to come looking for me. “Couldn’t sleep,” I murmured with a shrug.

Lily nodded knowingly. “It must have been hard to leave all your friends behind and come here.” She looked downcast for a moment, then brightened. “Breakfast starts in half an hour. Most people sleep in on the first day, but I’ll get dressed and we can go together, okay?”

A year ago I would have said yes without hesitating. But a year ago I was at Durmstrang with my friends. The last thing I needed now was someone who paid enough attention to figure out why I’d left Durmstrang. “I better wait for Remus.”

“Oh.” Lily sounded hurt, but covered it quickly with a frown. “Be careful around those boys. Everyone knows they’re troublemakers. James and Sirius have been in more detentions than half the school combined. I wouldn’t want you going down that path.”

I nodded. She must have left Remus out of the rest of them because he wouldn’t dare break rules like that. Dumbledore could expel him for the slightest infraction.

Breaking rules wasn’t a luxury people like us had.

Two hours later I was still waiting in the common room. Most students had gone down to breakfast, but there was no sign of Remus or his friends. I was studying my Transfiguration text to pass the time when I heard voices coming down the boys’ staircase.

Someone said something muffled and several boys began to laugh. Their laughter cut short when Sirius walked out and saw me. He glanced from Remus to me and back again before rolling his eyes. “I think our little Slytherin likes you, Moony,” he said with a cruel smirk. “Ah, puppy love.”

My heart jolted in my chest. Puppy love? Was it possible he already knew? Maybe Remus had told all his friends about me already.

“Shut it, Padfoot,” Remus muttered. He didn’t so much glance at me as he left the common room with his three friends in tow.

I hurried along behind them since I hadn’t had breakfast yet and didn’t know how to get to the Great Hall on my own. Neither Sirius nor Remus acknowledged my presence, but Peter looked back nervously and James gave me a small smile.

He fell back beside me as though it was the most natural thing in the world. “So Ana, what’s your story?” James asked.

That was the question I’d been dreading. Well, one of them at least. Most questions were pretty awful. Any lies I came up with sounded forced and stupid. Dad suggested I settle for the truth and just change a couple of the details. I opted for avoidance.

“My story?”

“Yeah, why’d you leave Durmstrang? We don’t get many transfers here.” His tone was conversational, but my heart pounded loudly in my chest.

“I er I don’t like to talk about it.”

James looked mildly surprised, but didn’t push it. Instead he changed the subject. “You’re a seventh year, right? So you’re friends with Lily?” Peter snorted ahead of us, but James ignored him.

I shrugged in response. Lily and I could be friends, but I was avoiding that outcome. “I guess.”

“You think you could put in a good word for me? Maybe mention how mature I seem? Smashing!” He jogged a few paces to get in step with his friends and gave Sirius a poke with his wand. “You owe me a galleon, mate. Told you she was good for something.”

Sirius growled and flipped a gold coin high in the air which James caught with outstanding reflexes. My face burned from embarrassment as I realized what had happened. And I’d thought James was just being nice.

At breakfast I picked at my food. I wasn’t very hungry the week after the full moon and even less so this particular week. I’d been a ball of nerves since boarding the Hogwarts express.

“Miss Haugen, your schedule.” I took the parchment from the woman with dark, ebony hair pulled back tight in a bun. Her mouth was drawn in a tight line as she surveyed the boys sitting beside me. “Is it possible that this year you will be more focused on your N.E.W.T.s than breaking the school record for detentions received in a year, Mr. Black?” She asked with a disapproving scowl.

Sirius stared at her in mock horror and I was reminded once again that he was a Black. I couldn’t be too careful around him.

“You mean I didn’t break that record last year?” The professor sighed and walked away. Sirius shared a grin with James. “I had loads of detentions last year. Who could have possibly gotten more?”

“I snuck into Filch’s office last year and some bloke from the 18th century had two hundred and thirty seven,” James said.

Sirius’s mouth dropped open in real shock this time. “Bloody hell! How did he even have time to go to class?” James shrugged and I stared at them with wide eyes. I didn’t understand why anyone would care about the school record for detentions in one year, let alone want to break it. Anyone like that at Durmstrang wouldn’t have lasted a month.

“Oi, Minnie!” Sirius shouted.

“Insubordination, Mr. Black.”

He ignored her. “Minnie, darling, I would be ever so appreciative if you would do me the honor of accompanying me to Hogsmeade on one fine weekend. What do you say?” He waggled his eyebrows as the professor stared at him.

Her lips thinned until they were completely nonexistent. “Detention. I can’t believe- Trophy room, tonight, usual time.” Full sentences seemed to have failed her and she stalked off. I stared at Sirius in shock and disgust.

The others, however, seemed to regard him with pride and amusement. “That was brilliant,” James said with a wide grin. “I thought McGonagall was going to pull out her wand and hex you right there.”

“One down, two hundred and thirty six to go.” The boys all laughed like this was a joke to them. Detentions weren’t something to be taken lightly. If they were going to break the rules they should at least have the decency to not get caught.

“What classes have you got?” It took me a moment to realize Peter was speaking to me. That was the first thing any of the boys had said to me since James asked about Lily.

“Er Charms, Transfiguration, Potions, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Ancient Runes, and History of Magic.” It was a very different schedule than the one I would have had at Durmstrang. There we didn’t get to choose our own classes, Headmaster Kruger did it for us.

“What, no Muggle Studies? There’s a shocker,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes. “Pureblood fanatics, the lot of you.” He walked off. James hurried after him leaving Remus and Peter alone with me.

“Dumbledore wants to see us during our afternoon free period on Monday,” Remus said, his eyes glued to his plate. “I’ll meet you at his office.”

He left before I had a chance to ask where Dumbledore’s office was. It was only my first day and no one had bothered giving me any directions, how was I supposed to find my way around?

The weekend passed uneventfully. The Marauders avoided me and I avoided Lily. It worked out well, except for the part where I was lonely.

It should have been fine, after all I’d spent two months this summer in the company of no one but Healers and my parents. I should have been used to the solitude. It was just a whole lot harder when I was surrounded by people.

When classes came Monday I was relieved. Finally something to keep my mind occupied. I knew the other students liked the weekend to catch up with old friends, but the sooner classes began the sooner they’d end and I could return home.

My first class was double Transfiguration with the Ravenclaws and I didn’t have any idea where to go. The only other students who looked half as clueless as me were the first years and I wasn’t about to spend time with them.

Instead I studied my schedule as if the information would imprint itself on my brain if only I stared long enough.

As if sensing my indecision, a girl with pretty blonde hair sat herself next to me. It took me a moment to place her, but then I realized she was one of my roommates. One whose name I couldn’t remember.

She looked over the top of my schedule and smiled when she saw what class I had first. “I’ve got McGonagall too. Want to walk with me?”

I nodded. Friends weren’t something I was looking for, but I needed to get to class somehow.

“It’s so exciting to have a new student. You’re from Durmstrang, right? I haven’t heard much about it. My Dad’s a muggle so Mum doesn’t talk much about that kind of thing at home. Your name’s Ana, right?”

I nodded again.

“Sweet. I’m Maggie. I figured you wouldn’t remember, you seemed kind of out of it last night. Information overload, right? My first night at Hogwarts was crazy. It just seems so big, right? Don’t worry, though. You get used to it. Mostly you just have to accept that you’re never going to know everything, not unless you’re James Potter or Sirius Black. Watch the trick step.”

“Trick st-” I began to ask what she meant, but my foot got caught in the middle of a staircase cutting me off. There was so much to remember. Durmstrang was much smaller than this.

Maggie pulled me up by my arm and my foot popped free from the step’s vice-like grip. “Like I said, you’ll get used to everything in about a week. Trick steps are annoying, but there are only a couple. Have you got Divination?”

“Oh, um no.” They didn’t offer Divination at Durmstrang so I’d have been dreadfully behind. Kruger believed Seeing was something you were born with, not a skill that could be learned.

“Well that’s good. You won’t have to walk all the way up to the Tower, then. It’s way up there. Total out of bounds unless you’re taking the class. Bonnert’s a nutcase anyway. Merlin, I love her, but if you’re serious about the subject you have to do a lot of work on your own time.”

Maggie liked to hear herself talk and that was fine by me. It was easier to add only the occasional comment to the conversation. She was happy as long as I kept nodding.

She led me into a classroom that was only about half full. “Here it is. McGonagall’s really tough, so I hope you did well at Durmstrang.” She flashed me a smile then slid into a seat beside a girl with blue trim on her robes- Ravenclaw.

Remus, Sirius, and James were all there, but Peter was nowhere to be found. Maggie was the only other Gryffindor I saw and the rest were completely unfamiliar. They must have all been in Ravenclaw.

I chose a seat at a table on the far right side. The Marauders were all chatting with a few of the Ravenclaws and the rest were carefully laying out their notes and textbooks.

I followed their lead and spread out across the full table, assuming no one would want to sit with me and discouraging anyone who might have the thought. It seemed like it worked because by the time McGonagall entered the class I was still alone.

She surveyed us silently and consulted a roll of parchment in front of her. “This is a N.E.W.T level course. You will need to pay strict attention and take copious notes, or you will not succeed no matter how gifted you believe yourself to be. Is that clear, Mr. Black?” She didn’t wait for a response and pulled out her wand. “Now then, let us review from last year-”

The door opened and we all turned to stare. Even just a minute into the class I could tell McGongall was not someone you wanted to interrupt.

Lily stood in the doorway, her face almost as red as her hair. “I have a note. From Professor Slughorn.” She sounded out of breath and clutched a slip of parchment tight to her chest. “Oh, here.”

She handed the parchment to McGonagall and sat down beside me. I pulled my supplies to my half the table to give her space for her own books and she flashed me a small smile.

“Thanks,” she said under her breath.

McGonagall cleared her throat and continued on with the lecture, demonstrating the vanishing spell I’d learned just last year.


	3. Muggleborn

I was twenty minutes late for my meeting with Headmaster Dumbledore and still had no idea where his office was located. I should have asked Lily in Transfiguration this morning, but I hadn’t thought about it.

Who knew how many detentions I was going to get for keeping the Headmaster waiting?

When I passed a girl in blue trim robes and a prefect’s badge, I stopped her in the corridor. “Do you know where I can find the Headmaster’s office?” I asked, my voice soft.

She glanced at me and raised an eyebrow. “Second floor, guarded by the gargoyle.”

I blinked. I’d passed that gargoyle at least twice heading to class. I hadn’t known that the Headmaster’s office lay behind it.

When I finally reached the gargoyles, nearly a half an hour late by this point, Remus was standing outside waiting. He shot me a look of annoyance and then muttered something unintelligible and the gargoyle leapt out of the way.

We hurried up the stairs to Dumbledore’s office and I kept my head down, waiting for the anger that always came when you kept the Headmaster waiting.

“Miss Haugen, Mr. Lupin, good to see you both.” His voice sounded warm, not at all angry, and I chanced a look up at him. There was a hint of a smile on his face and for a moment I allowed myself to believe I wouldn’t be punished after all.

But even if he didn’t punish me, he was doing me a favor in allowing me to attend Hogwarts. There was no need for him to stick out his neck for me. No one in my family had attended Hogwarts, we’d all gone to Durmstrang. Dumbledore didn’t owe us anything.

“How are you finding everything, Miss Haugen?” He asked.

“Er- fine, sir,” I replied quietly.

“And Remus has been showing you around?”

I glanced over at Remus who looked maybe a little bit ashamed of himself, but I nodded. “Yes, sir.”

“Good, good.” Even though there was still three weeks until the full moon Dumbledore proceeded to inform us of the protocol. Remus transformed under a tree, but there was a shack deep in the Forbidden Forest that I was supposed to find every month.

When Dumbledore asked if this was to my satisfaction I looked at him in surprise. “Er- yes. Of course.” It was my disease, my mutation. Nothing to do with it was to my satisfaction. I wanted my old life back. Before I’d been bitten.

Before I became a monster.

“Potions begins soon, you won’t want to late for Professor Slughorn.” I nodded even though I had almost an hour until class started. Remus and I both began to leave, but Dumbledore held up his hand. “Mr. Lupin, a word?”

Out in the corridor I paused, wondering if I ought to wait for Remus. He wouldn’t have waited for me. I decided to just get to class early. I could review my potions text, Merlin knew I needed to.

I had always been better with spells than brewing potions which wouldn’t have been so bad, but it’s obvious when something goes wrong with a potion. I never blew up a classroom or singed my eyebrows off, but once one of my potions emitted a noxious green gas and the whole floor had to be evacuated until they figured out how to get rid of it.

I had detention every night for two weeks because of that one.

The dungeons were the easiest place to find so far in the castle. All I had to do was keep going down. I was one of the first to arrive and took my seat in the back, watching as the room slowly filled up.

All four of the Gryffindor seventh years were in this class as were most of my roommates. It was twice as full as Transfiguration and I could only hope it would be easier.

The professor entered, a middle aged man with a rather large belly named Slughorn. He looked around the room and shook his head. “Now, now. This won’t do. Everyone must have a partner.”

I looked around, hoping I wasn’t the only person sitting on my own. Lily was by herself at the very front table and a Slytherin boy sat on the far right side, scowling and pointedly not looking at anyone. At the same time, all four of the Marauders had crowded at one table and were laughing uproariously.

Slughorn clapped his hands twice to get our attention and the room quieted. “Mr. Black, why don’t you come up here and work with Miss Evans? And Mr. Potter, you can join Mr. Snape.”

Sirius rolled his eyes at James. “No one wanted to sit with you, Snivellus? It must be the smell.”

“I’d as soon work alone if that’s alright with you, sir,” the Slytherin boy said, shooting a scathing look at James and Sirius.

“Well then you can join our new friend in the back, Mr. Potter. Hurry along, we’ve got a difficult potion to start off the year with.” I moved my bag off the chair beside me to make room for James.

“Now then.” Slughorn waved his wand at the board and the table in front of him and instructions and ingredients appeared on both. “You may begin. Keep an eye on the clock.”

I didn’t recognize this potion from previous years, but then again it had never been my best subject. James whistled softly. “This is going to take us a week. Please tell me you’re some kind of potions savant.”

I shook my head. Clearly he wasn’t either.

Two hours later our potion had become a thick white paste. I was frantically stirring, trying to make it thinner and clear the way it should have been. James stared up at the front of the room wistfully. “Sirius has all the luck, you know? Not only does he get to work with the prettiest girl in the school, but he also gets perfect marks for a potion he didn’t so much as touch.”

I glanced up to the front. Lily and Sirius had managed a perfect potion, clear as water and shimmering slightly on the surface. I put down the stirrer with a sigh. 

“At least it isn’t purple.” James snorted.

It was true. About twenty minutes back a pair of Slytherins’ potion turned a deep purple and they hadn’t managed to lighten the color since.

In fact, the only other person who had managed a perfect potion was the Slytherin boy who was working by himself. Slughorn had a displeased expression as he eyed the class. “When you finish, please leave a vial on my desk and you may be dismissed.”

James looked at me. “Think this is as good as it gets?”

I shrugged. “You can go, I’ll clean up.”

“Thanks, Ana.” James flashed a smile at me, then grabbed his bag and joined Sirius in the corridor.

It surprised me how fast the lesson had gone by. James turned out to be pretty nice actually and I’d forgotten I was supposed to be mad at him for the bet with Sirius the day before. Talking with him was easy, he was fine if I didn’t say much.

The only class left of my day was History of Magic, something I wasn’t particularly looking forward to. It was a dull class, but easy. If I managed to half pay attention I usually managed to scrape by with an E.

“Ana! Wait up!” I paused outside the dungeon and waited for Maggie and another of my roommate’s to catch up. “You left in a hurry. We’re going to the Quidditch pitch to watch James hold unofficial practice. Want to come with?”

“Sorry, I’ve got class,” I said. Watching a few blokes show off in front of some giggling girls wasn’t high on my to do list. “History of Magic.”

Maggie exchanged looks with the other girl. “Merlin, you’re taking that crap? Didn’t anyone warn you?”

“Warn me about what?” I asked, suddenly unsure if this class was such a good idea. I’d had my reservations over the summer, but it seemed like a harmless enough choice.

“No one takes History of Magic past OWLs. Binns is the worst teacher this school has ever seen,” the other girl said look exasperated. “Like, imagine the worst teacher you’ve ever had and multiply that by a dozen. Binns is so boring he bored himself to death. Literally.”

“You should drop it,” Maggie said. “James usually holds Quidditch practice at this time anyway and you can come out with us. I’m sure McGonagall will let you, she probably had Binns when she was here decades ago.”

I shook my head. Maybe I still would drop it, but I’d like to at least see what kind of class it was for myself. Although at least their warning explained why all the Houses were grouped together. If it really was that boring it would be a small class.

As it turned out, small didn’t begin to cover it. There were only six of us total and only two others that I recognized. Lily was in this class as was the Slytherin boy Sirius had made fun of in potions.

The others were two Ravenclaws and a Hufflepuff who sat together in the front and shared notes.

When Professor Binns entered the room, my mouth dropped open. I’d assumed Maggie’s friend was just misusing the word literally, but it appears she was serious when he literally bored himself to death.

He was a ghost. A real ghost. Was it even legal for a professor to be a ghost? Headmaster Kruger would have never stood for it.

As the class passed ever so slowly, I came to the conclusion that Maggie and her friend were right. Binns was truly the most boring professor I had ever experienced. He didn’t even seem to notice that no one was paying attention, not even the Ravenclaws.

I poked Lily’s shoulder as she sat directly in front of me. “Is he always like this?” I asked under my breath, careful not to be overheard. I didn’t want to get in trouble on the first day, but I was bored out of my skull.

Lily smiled. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“Oh.” I let her go back to her notes as she was the only person in class paying the slightest bit of attention, and then had another thought.

I tapped her on the shoulder again. “Why are these people taking the class, then?”

Lily shrugged. “They might need the NEWT for career choices. I just love the stories, all that information about wizarding history is so fascinating. They certainly were a violent lot, weren’t they?” She must have noticed my confused frown because she explained. “Oh, I’m a muggleborn. Didn’t you know?”

This information surprised me. I hadn’t ever met a muggleborn before, that I knew of at least. Not that I was prejudiced, it was just one thing to know that they were admitted into Hogwarts and another to realize that one was Head Girl.

“Oh,” I said, trying to mask my surprise.

“You didn’t know I was a muggleborn?” Lily grinned at me widely. “That makes me feel so much better, you have no idea. Sirius told me you were avoiding me because my blood wasn’t pure.” Her eyes darted across the room. “Anyway, I should have known he was just stirring up trouble.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled. I wasn’t sure of how to respond to that. If Sirius was already spreading rumors about me, where did that leave me and Remus? He was supposed to be helping me, but his best friend couldn’t stand my existence.

“It’s okay, really. My fault. I should have known better than to believe Sirius.” My faced burned red in embarrassment.

Blood purity wasn’t something I’d learned much about until Durmstrang. It hadn’t seemed like anything important there because there weren’t any muggleborns. There weren’t even that many halfbloods and none of them talked about it much.

When class ended Lily waited for me. “I’m heading back to the Common Room. Want to walk with me?”

“Er sure,” I said. I couldn’t think fast enough on my feet to come up with an excuse and there was no harm in just walking with her.

I half listened as she chatted about school and the classes she was taking as we walked down several back corridors. “Do you have plans after graduation?” She asked.

I shrugged. Running away to America probably didn’t count as a plan. “Not really,” I answered. “I was maybe thinking about travelling a bit.”

“Really? That sounds wonderful! I start Healer training in July which doesn’t leave much time for travel.” She tucked her red hair behind her ears. “What careers are you thinking about?”

The question stung. It didn’t matter what careers I thought about. I’d be lucky if I got hired to work in a shop somewhere. I was just lucky my parents were wealthy enough I wouldn’t starve when I graduated.

I pretended I hadn’t heard her. “You want to be a Healer?”

Lily nodded emphatically. “When I was a first year, at the first Quidditch match of the season, one of the Ravenclaw chasers got hit by a bludger and broke his arm. It was bad, probably broken in at least three places. There was so much blood they had to carry him off the pitch in a stretcher.” Lily shuddered, as though the image was before her again. “And yet, he was back by dinner, good as new. That isn’t something that happens in the muggle world and I wanted to help people like that.

“Oh,” I said. I didn’t know how else to respond. Even before I’d been bitten and my future was ripped away from me I hadn’t had many life goals. I didn’t have a specific dream at any rate, not like Lily did.

It took me a moment to place the odd feeling in my stomach, but then I realized I was jealous of Lily. She’d face prejudice, being a muggleborn and all, but nothing like I’d face as a w- as a monster.

We reached the Gryffindor tower and Lily paused at the bottom of the steps. “Would you like to get dinner together? I have a Prefects meeting later tonight, but it’d be nice to have a bit of company for the meal.”

It would be nice to spend time with Lily, like having a friend, almost. But I couldn’t afford to let anyone get close. It wouldn’t take much for someone as smart as her to notice I disappeared every month.

“No, you go ahead. I need to get started on Slughorn’s essay.”

Her smile stiffened. “Oh, of course. I should do that too, later. Bye Ana!” She flounced back out of the dormitory and I sank onto my bed.

It would be so easy to become friends with her, but at what cost? She could find out my secret and then I’d be expelled from Hogwarts too. No, it was best to keep pushing her and everyone else away.

I was safer that way.

 

The next night the common room was abuzz in chatter and gossip. James had apparently threw one of his chasers off the team which meant a second spot had opened up for tryouts.

But that was only part of the excitement. Some people claimed that the fight with the chaser had originated over Lily, although that had yet to be confirmed.

I only knew all of this because I was trying to do my work and couldn’t remember where the library was. I had no desire to get caught up in the drama that surrounded the Gryffindor seventh years.

“You’re working on that already?” I looked up, surprised to see James sliding into the seat across from me.

“It’s due next class,” I said, scowling at the interruption. I wanted to work alone where it was quiet and peaceful, not in a noisy common room sitting beside the person who had caused most of the noise.

“But that’s still not until Thursday. Lighten up, it’s only the first week.” I tried to ignore him and get back to my essay.

Despite the good time I’d had with him in class the day before, I still remembered that bet he had made about my uselessness with Sirius. I wasn’t quite ready to forgive him for that.

But he’d already distracted me from my essay and I couldn’t get back to focused on it. “Why isn’t anyone asking you what happened?”

He looked confused for a moment, then laughed. “Oh, you mean the Quidditch thing? No one wants to hear what really happened. They want to hear that I cursed Turner into the Hospital Wing because he claimed he shagged Lily and I was defending her honor. That’s much more interesting.”

He had a point. That did happen to be the most popular version of the story.

“So that isn’t what happened?” I asked.

“Turner’s a whining pansy who couldn’t fly straight if his life depended on it. He’d do better playing for a peewee league than Gryffindor.” James sounded more than a bit annoyed and scanned the common room, presumably searching for Turner. I did notice that he avoided answering my question.

“Is that a no, then?”

James shrugged. “He better watch his back, though. Padfoot will be on the lookout for new targets if he’s trying to get detention nearly every night.”

“Targets?” I stared at him in shock. Was Sirius going to curse people?

“Parnks,” James explained. “Padfoot wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose. He knows where to draw the line.”

I nodded like that made sense to me and hoped James would leave me to my essay. He was certainly a lot more interesting than these dry transfiguration spells, but I needed to focus. “Hey,” James said suddenly, looking eager. “You want in on some of our pranks?”

“What?” I asked, horrified. I couldn’t be drawn into any rule breaking. “No!” Dumbledore would have me thrown out in an instant if I did anything like that. He offered this to me as a favor, I couldn’t toss it all away for a few pranks.

“Relax, Haugen. No one’s going to make you have any fun, I swear.” He lifted his hands in mock surrender. “You’re welcome to be an old stick in the mud and study all day, if you want.”

My heartbeat slowed, almost to normal, but I couldn’t shake the nervous feeling I suddenly had around him. If someone thought to connect me to any of their pranks, whether or not I was really involved, I’d be done for.

I grabbed my books, parchment, and ink hurriedly, wanting to get away from James as fast as possible.

“Ana, I’m sorry,” he said, following me to the bottom of the staircase, but he didn’t try to come up. “I’m really sorry!”

I slammed the door to my dormitory shut, swearing that from now on I’d get someone to show me the library or at least find somewhere else to work. I couldn’t let James Potter bother me anymore. The more distance between us, the better.


	4. Full Moon

The next three weeks passed without incident. I avoided James and Sirius as much as I could, which didn’t prove too difficult. The only time any of them crossed my path unavoidably was in potions where James was my partner.

He didn’t seem to quite get the message that we weren’t friends and would chatter endlessly as we worked together, but he didn’t bother me outside of class so I couldn’t complain too much.

I spent more time by myself alone in the library. There was a particular table in the back that no one ever walked by and I could sit there for hours undetected. I’m sure everyone who noticed me thought I was some loner freak since I had no friends and made no effort to make any.

Still, that was a lot nicer than some other things they could call me. No one thought I was a monster, just a little strange. I could handle that.

The only person who really talked to me at all was Lily, and even that was more intermittent than ever. I should have been pleased about that, and I was, but sometimes I felt lonely.

At Durmstrang I’d never been popular, but I’d had my friends. Now all I did was study and write letters to my parents every week. Sometimes even more frequently than that.

The only thing that had improved was my schoolwork. I spent hours on each essay and all my professors were impressed, save McGonagall who didn’t seem impressed by anything anyone did and Binns who seemed unaware that there were actually students in the class that he was teaching.

But no matter what I did, I always had one eye on the calendar. The full moon stayed near the forefront of my mind at all times. Sometimes I tried to forget what I was, but it was increasingly difficult to do.

In just two short weeks I’d become a monster. Then it was just a week. Then a matter of days.

Then just one day.

I couldn’t put off speaking to Remus any longer, but when I got to the common room he was lounging on a chair reading a book and surrounded by his friends. They were the only ones still awake, so I decided to wait them out.

We were both supposed to report to Madam Pomfrey first thing in the morning and I still hadn’t come up with any kind of excuse for my roommates. I had to tell them something and nothing came to mind even though I’d been thinking about it for weeks.

Remus had been here for seven years giving excuses to his friends. He had to be a wealth of excuses.

However none of his ideas could do me any good unless I managed to get him alone.

I cleared my throat after waiting for twenty minutes and Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Something you needed, Haugen?” He had taken to calling me by my last name. In fact I was called by my first name so infrequently that it seemed odd when my parents addressed my letters to Ana.

I kept my eyes on Remus. Surely he had to know I needed to talk to him, but he didn’t even bother looking up from his book. I gathered up my courage and opened my mouth. “Remus? Could we talk somewhere?”

Finally he set aside his book. “What exactly is it that you wanted to talk about?” His tone remained cool and polite, infuriatingly so.

My face burned in anger and shame. He knew exactly what I needed to talk to him about. He just wanted to put me on the spot. “Privately? Please, Remus.” My voice was pleading, almost to the point of begging. I just wanted his help.

“C’mon,” James said, pulling on Sirius’s shoulder.

Remus held up a hand, halting them. “Anything you have to say to me you can say in front of them.” My mouth opened and closed like a fish, but no sound came out. Instead I turned on my heel and jogged up the staircase to the girls’ dorms.

I could hear Sirius’s laughter behind me.

My eyes filled with tears. Remus was supposed to be helping, but instead he made everything worse. I felt more alone with him around than I would without him at all.

Everyone else was already in their beds asleep, so I huddled on my own in the dark, tears silently streaming down my face.

“Ana?” A quiet whisper pierces the room’s silence and I wiped my eyes even though in the dark I knew Lily couldn’t see me. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I whispered back.

“You sound funny. Are you sick?” I opened my mouth to tell her I was fine, but then closed it. She may not have known it, but she’d given me the perfect, simplest excuse.

“Maybe a little.” I didn’t want to give her any reason to worry. “I might go down to the Hospital Wing in the morning if I don’t feel better, but now I just need some sleep.”

There was a short pause, then I heard. “Okay. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

I curled up around my pillow, not at all sleepy, and tried not to think about my ordeal that was less than a day away.

 

I was up early before breakfast the next morning. I hadn’t slept at all and was exhausted, although not sleepy. Maggie and Gretchen, as I’d discovered her name was, were already awake and getting ready for the day.

Since Lily had given me the idea to fake ill the previous night all I had to do was make an excuse to someone and head down to the Hospital Wing. It would have been easier if Lily had been awake since she was expecting it, but Maggie and Gretchen would have to do.

I shuffled into the bathroom we shared with my head down and made a few retching noises with the door closed. When I emerged both Maggie and Gretchen inched away from me.

“Were you just sick in there?” Gretchen asked, looking a bit nauseated herself.

I nodded and both girls took visible steps back.

“Is there anything we can do?” Maggie asked, although it was clear from her tone she wanted nothing more than to get away from me.

“I think I’ll just go down to Madam Pomfrey,” I said. I walked by them back to my bed and both girls looked like they wanted nothing more than to ward me off.

I almost felt like I was getting a glimpse of my future. This is how’d I be treated if everyone knew- like a social pariah who could pass on the disease.

I wanted to take a textbook or some homework with me, but that would have looked suspicious so I just pulled on my robes and headed down to the Hospital Wing.

Remus was already there, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak to him. After last night I wanted nothing to do with him. Dumbledore made it seem like Remus would be helpful and supportive, but he was mistaken.

Maybe the only reason he brought us together was because we were both monsters.

A woman in long nurse’s robes came out of a back room and busied herself preparing potions. They were already brewed, presumably by Slughorn who was the potions master after all.

“What are those for?” I asked as she poured one particularly nasty looking potion into a large glass. It was grey and opaque with what looked to be green specks floating around inside.

“You’ll drink these on the hour, every hour until sunset. It’s possible they’ll help with the transformations. They may keep you more lucid.” I stared at her in surprise. None of the healers in the hospitals I stayed in ever gave me anything like that. They’d said there was nothing that would make the transformations less painful.

“Using experimental potions on teenagers. In my day the Headmaster wouldn’t have considered treating students like test subjects.” Pomfrey seemed to notice I was listening to her muttered rant and sniffed in an annoyed fashion. “Rest up. You have a long night ahead of you. First dose in twenty minutes.”

She left and I began to watch the clock. Time passed slowly but steadily ticking away as though each second mocked me. When the clock struck nine she bustled out of the back room and handed me the large glass vial of the disgusting concoction. “Drink.”

“All of that?” The glass was at least half full.

“Yes, Miss Haugen. All of it.”

I took a whiff and gagged. It was quite possibly the most repulsive thing I had smelled in my life. I ignored my instincts to push it away and downed most of the contents in one swig.

The thick liquid smeared the inside of my throat and left residue behind in my mouth. It was the only thing I could taste or smell and my stomach rebelled. Bile rose in my throat and I fought to keep it down, if only so I wouldn’t have to taste it a second time coming up.

I finally calmed my stomach and noticed Madam Pomfrey was still standing beside my bed holding the glass.

It wasn’t empty.

“Please don’t make me,” I begged. There was no way I could drink the rest of the thick sludge. I had only just managed to keep from throwing up the rest. “I can’t.”

Her face remained stern, but her eyes softened. “Just a bit more and you’ll be finished.” I had hated potions of all kinds since I was a child and this was the worst thing I had ever tasted.

I took the glass vial with shaky hands and tilted it back into my mouth. It was fouler than the foulest thing I could have imagined. I kept my mouth closed until I was sure I wasn’t going to be sick and handed the glass back to Madam Pomfrey.

“Couldn’t-” The taste still filled my mouth and I tried to swallow to get rid of it. “Couldn’t you at least add sugar or- or something?”

“Experimental potions become dangerous things when you mix them, Miss Haugen.” She bustled in and out of the room after that.

I tried to wash the taste out of my mouth with water, but it only worked minimally. Once the taste had lessened to a point where I could at least pretend to grow accustomed to it, I had a realization.

“Why didn’t you have to drink any of that stuff?” I asked Remus who was relaxing back on his bed with his eyes closed.

He opened them long enough to shoot me a glare. “It’s an experimental potion.”

“So?”

“So my family isn’t well enough connected to pull the strings necessary to get me something like that. It probably won’t be available for years for someone like me, if then.” He sounded bitter, but then again I guess I would be too. But it wasn’t like it was my fault my family was well connected. They were just trying to help.

“I could ask them to get you some of the potion too,” I offered. I didn’t know why he’d want to take the nasty stuff. There was so much of it and it was just awful.

“I don’t need your charity,” he snapped.

I bit my lip. I hadn’t meant for it to sound like charity. I was just trying to get him to like me. “Sorry,” I whispered, but it was so quiet I wasn’t sure he heard.

We didn’t speak again over the day even though our beds were beside each other. When students began coming in from accidents in class, something which happened with alarming frequency, Madam Pomfrey drew the curtains around our beds.

I was grateful for the excuse to keep to myself and spent the day trying to sleep, not that it got me anywhere. Every hour, exactly on the hour, Pomfrey forced me to choke down more of the sickening potion. Each time I did I found myself surprised that I didn’t immediately puke it back up.

It still didn’t get any easier.

Remus and I took our meals in the Hospital Wing. Breakfast and lunch. I picked at my food, but couldn’t eat. I was ravenous. The full moon awakened a hunger in me like nothing I’d known before, but I felt sick, nauseous at the thought of food.

I wanted to eat, really I did, but I knew only the monster was hungry. I had to fight it while I still could. Maybe during the full moon it was in control, but while I still had my mind I wanted to fight it.

Even if I lost the war, I was going win some of the battles.

Pomfrey tsked as she collected my dishes, but didn’t say anything. I wondered for a moment if Remus was the doing the same or had at some point over the past seven years, but pushed the thought from my mind.

I didn’t care what Remus did. We were different. He had friends and a life despite the lycanthropy. I didn’t.

“Mr. Lupin, how many times have I told you no more than two visitors?” Pomfrey’s strict tone was met by peals of laughter.

“Aw, Poppy you know you love it when we visit.” I recognized his voice as Sirius and I paled. He was nearby, just at the door. What if Remus told him I was here? Or he saw me here? He might realize what I was here for. Or tell the rest of the school.

There were too many variables, too many things that could go wrong.

I wanted to go home.

I could apparate, I was seventeen and had my license. Would Dumbledore let me go home every month? It would get a- a monster off his grounds every full moon.

And I could just say my parents were overbearing and wanted monthly visits.

That seemed like a better plan that sitting here and praying Sirius Black didn’t find out and tell the whole school what I was.

“Do you have any idea how lucky you are?" James moaned at Remus.

Lucky? I wonder if they’d still consider him lucky if they knew what he was going to turn into tonight.

“Yeah mate, you’ve got brilliant timing,” Sirius agreed. “McGonagall failed everyone on the lesson today. You and that Durmstrang girl were the only two safe.”

“She even failed Lily!” James said loudly. There was a pause and when he spoke again his voice was hushed. I could only assume Madam Pomfrey had shot them a nasty look. “Do you know how many times Lily has received below an A since first year? Twice. And once was that time she was sick for two weeks in third year which hardly counts.”

There was the sound of a smack and a muffled yelp.

“Idiot,” Sirius muttered. “Anyway, we figured we ought to warn you. McGonagall will probably have you make up the lesson, although I don’t know why when all she’s going to do is fail you. She’s probably out to fail us all.”

Remus laughed, although it sounded a little too casual and relaxed. “Enough with your conspiracies. McGonagall isn’t trying to fail you.”

“Oh yeah? She already got Peter. One down, three more to go. She’s had it out for me since I got here.”

James laughed and this time it seemed genuine. “Maybe that’s because you live in detention and ask her to Hogsmeade.” All four laughed and Madam Pomfrey stomped over to them.

“That’s quite enough boys! You’re disrupting everyone in here. Go! Shoo! Get dinner and leave my Hospital Wing in peace.” They offered up few complaints and let her kick them out.

I thought then we’d be left on our own, but the curtains were pulled from around my bed. Pomfrey gave me a pitying look. “The sun sets soon. You two ought to get ready.”

I glanced over at Remus who had pulled a hooded cloak on and I did the same. Anyone looking from the school wouldn’t recognize us and they were all at dinner anyway.

Still I couldn’t help turning behind me as we walked on the grounds. Someone could have slipped out of the Great Hall. We couldn’t be followed.

“Relax,” Remus said through gritted teeth. “We’ve done this before.”

“And no one’s ever found out?” My voice was breathy and nervous, but Remus just rolled his eyes and looked away.

I’d been on my own during my previous full moons. The Healers and my parents already knew, all I had to worry about was the transformation itself. Now I was as worried about being caught as I was about becoming a monster.

We paused at the Whomping Willow, Remus’s location, and he surrendered his cloak to Madam Pomfrey before entering the passageway inside the tree. She heaved a sigh and we continued walking until we reached the second shack in the Forbidden Forest.

The sun was beginning to go down and I could feel the goose bumps on the back of my neck. I wanted to freeze time, stop things before I transformed.

She opened the door and held it for me as I entered the small structure. “I’ll be back first thing in the morning.” I nodded, a lump in my throat.

As she shut the door I wanted to stop her, beg her not to leave me on my own.

But I couldn’t. She couldn’t stay with me. That wasn’t how things worked. I had to be alone for this.

She spelled the door behind her, keeping me locked in and everyone else out, I assumed. It was safer that way, for everyone involved.

I still felt trapped. Trapped in the building, trapped in my own skin. Nothing I could do about any of it except sit there and wait for morning to come.

I took a seat on the floor. I couldn’t see the moon or even the sky as all the windows had been boarded up, but I could sense it. My skin prickled and the sensation only grew stronger as minutes passed by.

Finally I was overtaken by a searing pain.

And then everything went black.


	5. After

My entire body felt like it was on fire.

I moaned. I was lying on my back, but it felt like it was in shreds. I tried to do a mental inventory as the healers at the hospital taught me, but everything hurt too much.

I couldn’t think. I could hardly breathe everything hurt so bad.

“Ana? You okay?” A face obscured the bright white light, but I couldn’t make out the features. I whimpered and he left. “Madam Pomfrey! Ana’s up! I think- I think she needs help.”

“Oh dear… Drink up, this will help you feel better.” A potion was poured into my mouth and I coughed violently which only made everything hurt more. But as soon as it was down my throat my vision began to fade.

 

When I woke up again the hospital wing was silent. Usually Madam Pomfrey could be heard in her office, but there was nothing I could hear. My body ached as I pushed myself into a seated position and I groaned from the pain.

“You’re awake again.” I glanced over at Remus who was seated on his bed with a bit of parchment spread out across his lap and frowned. This was the first time he’d voluntarily spoken to me in weeks. “Feeling better?”

“Peachy,” I muttered. He laughed and I looked at him in surprise. He seemed in high spirits for someone who had spent the night as a monster trapped in a small shack.

In fact, he looked a lot better than I did- or at least better than I felt. He was already dressed in his robes and while there were dark shadows under his eyes and some new bruising and scratching on his face, which I assumed was the same all over his body, there was a bit of color in his cheeks and he was sitting up easier than I was.

At that moment I became aware of the fact that I was wearing only a light hospital gown. My face flamed, but I didn’t think much was visible because my face felt like one large bruise.

I remembered I hadn’t done an inventory of my body yet and started reviewing my injuries in my head. There was the bruised face, make that bruised body, no broken bones, I’d reopened the scars on my leg and back and added some new ones, but everything had been healed at least a bit.

“You had a concussion and a broken tibia. And you’d lost a lot of blood from your back by the time Pomfrey found you.” I stared at him and he shrugged. “You messed yourself up pretty bad.”

“Oh,” I said. I couldn’t quite meet his eyes. “It- it happens.”

“Yeah, it does.”

I felt like I needed to explain myself to him, give some excuse, but there was nothing to say. He knew what it was like. He just knew. Remus was the only other one I’d ever met, not including the one who bit me who I’d only come across that night.

“Ana?”

I flinched at his voice. He was going to say something else, probably about leaving him alone. I’d been at Hogwarts more than a month now and he wouldn’t have to pretend to help me for Dumbledore’s benefit anymore.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re what? Why?” That hadn’t been what I was expecting.

“For- I dunno. For everything.” He looked away and when he spoke again his voice was gruff. “Without you it was easier to pretend that I wasn’t- that I was normal. But you- Look, I don’t want a heart to heart or anything. I’m just sorry, okay?”

“Okay,” I said, my voice small.

The silence over took us and I snuck glances at Remus. He had his eyes glued to the parchment, but he didn’t appear to be really looking at it. Just staring blankly.

“I-” I started to tell him I was thinking about leaving Hogwarts, going back home for good or at least every full moon, but he cut me off.

“My friends will be here soon if you want to change.”

I closed my mouth. Maybe I should give Hogwarts a second chance. After all, I had another month until the next full moon. That could be a month without worry. And now that Remus was speaking to me, maybe he and I could be friends. Or at least friendly.

“Don’t peek,” I warned.

“Relax, Haugen,” he said with a laugh. “I have no desire to see you naked.”

That statement should have offended me. It probably would have a year ago. Now it just made me relieved. I didn’t want anyone to see me without my clothes on, especially so close to the full moon.

I’d never been the most attractive girl, but I was fine. Now I had scars, not just at the full moon but all the time. It was one of the reasons I was glad the Hogwarts uniform included knee socks. There was a particularly nasty one on the back of my right calf. I also had claw marks across my back and neck from the night of the attack.

These wounds are cursed. The Healers were able to help most of them along, but I’ll always have scars. And I’ll keep getting more.

I didn’t bother with my robe, but buttoned my blouse all the way to the top. Most girls at the school left a few unbuttoned, but I couldn’t risk anyone seeing my scars. They’d ask questions I didn’t have answers to.

“Okay, I’m decent.”

“You change fast for a girl,” Remus said as I opened the curtains around my bed.

I scowled at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Before he had a chance to answer, the other three Marauders burst in through the double doors that led to the Hospital Wing. Sirius and Peter looked disheveled, almost alarmingly so, and James just looked tired.

“Moony my dear lad, how was your night?” Sirius asked, brushing dirt from his robes.

I glanced at Remus, wondering what his response would be. He just smiled at them tiredly. “Same old, same old. You know how it is.”

Sirius noticed me sitting up in bed and scowled. “Haugen, almost missed you there. Wish I had.”

“Hi Sirius.” It probably would have been better to say nothing at all instead of antagonizing him, but sometimes I couldn’t help myself. And there was always the chance, however slight, that if I kept being nice to him he’d eventually warm up to me.

I wasn’t holding my breath.

“Padfoot, play nice.” Remus’s words were surprisingly firm and I wasn’t the only one who blinked at him in shock. “What did we miss in class today?”

I almost missed it, but Remus said we. That was the first time since coming to Hogwarts that I’d been included in a we and I couldn’t help a small smile.

“Nothing much. Slughorn made us do some ridiculously complicated potion and Flitwick just lectured on some stupid easy stuff,” James said, waving his hand like it was nothing.

“I wouldn’t call it stupid,” Peter said. When Sirius and James both raised their eyebrows at him he looked down. “I mean, it was easy, sure, but not stupid easy. There’s a difference.”

James sighed. “My offer to tutor you still stands, you know. If you ever need help-”

“I don’t need help!”

From the way the other boys treated this conversation, I could tell it had happened before. The only one who seemed at all invested in it was Peter. He wasn’t in Transfiguration, but he took Charms, Defense, and Potions with the rest of us and I couldn’t help but notice that he seemed a bit behind his friends.

Not that he was thick, but James and Sirius were good at all their classes naturally and Remus worked hard at his studies. Peter just always fell a little short, I’d noticed.

My stomach growled loudly and I blushed as the boys turned to stare. “Er- I think I missed breakfast. Or lunch. What time is it, anyway?”

James checked his watch. “Late enough that you should have eaten something.”

“I forgot,” Remus said, looking rather sheepish. “Madam Pomfrey left you some lunch in her office. Padfoot, would you get it for her?”

Sirius muttered something that didn’t sound too kind and didn’t move from his spot by the bed.

James stood. “I’ll get it, it’s no problem.”

“I didn’t ask you. Sirius, get the damn food.” Remus stared him down. There was a moment where it looked like neither of the boys were going to back down, then Sirius glanced away.

“Fine,” he said. He was muttering under his breath the whole time, but gave me a fake smile when he returned with the plate of food. “Enjoy, Durmstrang. Happy?” He asked Remus.

James laughed. “I think you’re turning into Kreacher,” he managed through peals of laughter. “And that makes Remus your mum!”

Sirius scowled at James. “Ha ha. You’re hilarious.”

I smiled tensely, but I could tell I was missing at least half the conversation. I had no idea what either of them was talking about or who Kreacher was.

It was just the reminder I needed that no matter how nice Remus decided to become, we weren’t really friends. I didn’t understand his inside jokes and we knew next to nothing about each other.

The only real thing we had in common was that we were both monsters.

Who’d want to build a friendship based on that?

Suddenly the food in front of me didn’t look so good. I was kidding myself with all this talk of giving Hogwarts a second chance and making friends. Just because Remus had that in his life didn’t mean I could.

I pushed the food onto a table by my bed and Remus gave me a curious look. “You should eat more, you ought to be starved.”

Physically I was, but that was the monster. It wasn’t necessary to feed it. “I’m just tired. Think I’ll sleep a bit.”

Remus still remained unconvinced, but I closed the curtains around my bed. It didn’t matter if I spent the day asleep in my bed. Pomfrey said she wasn’t going to let us go until tomorrow morning.

The Marauders chattered on, seemingly oblivious to the fact that I could still hear every word they said. The curtains weren’t a soundproof barrier.

“So what’s she in here for anyway?” That was Peter. He may be the slowest of them, but he asked the most uncomfortable questions.

“Sick. She was half delusional last night.” I cringed. Half delusional was better than the truth, but not by much.

“Always took her for a crazy one,” Sirius said with a bark of laughter.

“Be nice,” Remus snapped. “You don’t know anything about her.”

“Merlin, what happened to you? Change of heart over night?”

There was no response to that and I could only assume Remus was shooting some kind of glare Sirius’s way. Sirius’s words didn’t bother me anymore. I was more concerned that he’d discover my secret than spout off teasing remarks.

I just wished he let me alone.

Despite the warm temperature of the hospital wing I pulled my blankets in a tight cocoon around my body and tried to tune out the four Gryffindor boys.

 

The next morning Remus and I both waited patiently on our beds for Madam Pomfrey to sign off on our dismissal from the Hospital Wing. She tsked and tutted over both of us, poking my back with her wand as though she didn’t believe she’d actually managed to heal it up.

“We’re fine, Poppy,” Remus said.

I’d learned the night before that he was on first name basis with Madam Pomfrey. It made sense. He’d spent two or three nights a month in here for nearly seven years and she wasn’t more than ten or fifteen years older than us.

“Well maybe I should keep just you for another few hours. Maybe wait until lunch.” I cringed. I’d already missed class and I was feeling as fine as I was ever going to.

“Please, I feel fine.” I’d never fought with a Healer before, but I didn’t need to stay until lunch. Sure I was tired and sore and my head felt like it’d been run over by a herd of hippogriffs, but that was normal. She couldn’t heal everything.

“Let us go to class, you know how important NEWT year is.”

“Well…” Poppy seemed to be persuaded by Remus’s logic. Anything to do with classes seventh year seemed to sway even the strictest professors. I’d seen seventh years using it as an excuse all over the castle. “Alright. But keep an eye on this one.”

She gave me a look and I blushed red. I didn’t need to be looked after, particularly not by Remus.

“Now hurry up before I change my mind.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I hastily pulled on my robe and Remus and I left the hospital wing. “Is she always like that?” I asked once we were outside.

“Pretty much. She can be- overprotective. But she means well. Breakfast?” The question was posed so simply, like it was normal for us to hang out. Maybe we were friendly now, but that didn’t make it any less weird that we were spending time together.

Although I was ravenous. Today was the first day I’d felt like me, not like the monster was inside desperate for meat. I was the hungry one.

And breakfast sounded amazing.

Against my better judgment I nodded.

There were only a smattering of students in the Great Hall so early. No one I recognized, all the Gryffindor seventh years must still have been asleep in the tower. Remus and I took our seats at the far end of the Gryffindor table away from everyone else and I dug in.

Remus was eating almost as much as I was, but he seemed to be lost in thought. “How many transformations have you had?” He asked.

I dropped my fork in surprise. I glanced around to see if anyone had heard, but they didn’t take notice. “What?”

“Yours was bad the other day. Really bad. I don’t have them that bad. How many?” He stumbled over his words pretty bad, but I willed him to keep talking. No one else asked me questions. The Healers already had the answers and knew more than me and the others who knew didn’t want to bring it up.

“Three,” I said quietly.

“Including last night?” He looked surprised, more than surprised even. He looked shocked. “Only three?”

I nodded.

He whistled softly and his hazel eyes looked at me with pity. I stared down at my food, anything to avoid seeing that expression. “July first, then?”

I nodded again, still not looking up.

We sat in silence for a moment before Remus continued. “I was six. I wasn’t supposed to be outside at night, but my mum was on the porch and I’d wandered off a bit.”

Listening to this was hard. I wanted to stop him or turn away, but I couldn’t. I felt trapped in his words, a tightness in my chest.

“He came out of nowhere. Waiting in the woods near my house until the moon rose. My father offended him and he decided to take it out on me. I don’t remember much of it. By the time I woke up in the hospital everyone else knew.”

The way he said it, so matter of fact, hurt more than the story. And he’d been intentionally changed? Who could do such a thing?

“That’s so awful,” I said. Even as it came out I cringed at the pity in my voice. I hated it when people used that tone with me, but it was all I had.

“You don’t have to say that. Yours isn’t any less awful.” I finally looked up and Remus was watching me with an even stare, little emotion behind his eyes.

He may have been right, but I still wanted to add something. There was just nothing to add.

I couldn’t tell him my story. I hadn’t told anybody. When I was found people were more concerned with my health than asking what had happened. It was fairly obvious what had attacked me. I hadn’t needed to spell it out.

“We have class soon,” I said quickly. “I still need to get my books.”

Remus nodded, his expression carefully guarded as I turned away.

I wanted nothing more than to run as fast and as far away from Remus Lupin as I could, but I forced myself to keep a slow pace as I walked out of the Great Hall. 

Everything with him was difficult. We’d only just started talking as friends and he knew so much already. I wanted easy friendships, like I used to have at Durmstrang.

I wanted everything to be like it was back at Durmstrang.

But that chapter of my life had ended. I needed to move on and maybe Remus and the rest of the Marauders were supposed to be my new friends. Maybe I just needed to accept my new life.


	6. Dinner with the Marauders

Deciding to accept my new life was easier than actually doing so.

I still didn’t want to get close to anyone, but it was possible to have friends without them discovering my secret. It was my final year at school after all, Mascha and Lizette had always said we’d have a great last year.

The seventh years were on top at Durmstrang. No more getting pushed around in the hallways or having to duel with someone twice your height. We were the ones with the special privileges. We were the ones the rest of the school treated with fear and awe.

Hogwarts was different, but it wasn’t that different. I was still a seventh year. I could still have one last salvageable year before entering the real world. As long as I kept people from getting too close, we could still talk. Be friendly.

Friendly was a lot different than friends.

It was something I was trying to get on, but it was much easier to have these revelations during History of Magic. Paying attention in class meant almost nothing as long as I kept following along in the textbooks. This was the first time I’d ever found a textbook much more interesting than the class, but at least it didn’t drone on in a monotone for four hours a week.

When the minute hand finally ticked back to the twelve the entire class exited at once. They had already packed their bags in anticipation. Even the Ravenclaws, who I was quickly learning were considered the braniacs of the school, didn’t seem to care to let Binns finish his sentence.

I entered the corridor, fully intending to head down to the library to continue my isolation when I noticed Lily was trapped by the sole Slytherin in our class.

She hugged her books tight to her chest and stood with her back against the wall, looking as though there was nowhere she wouldn’t rather be.

“I have to go, Severus.” When she spoke her voice was small, not the authoritative head girl tone that I’d grown used to. “Please.”

I suddenly recalled what she’d said on the Hogwarts Express, that some Slytherins weren’t too kind to the muggleborns.

“No, you need to hear me out.”

I was plagued by indecision. On the one hand, it wasn’t my place to interfere. As a pureblood I was supposed to be on their side, Sirius was right that I probably would have been Sorted into Slytherin if I’d had a legitimate Sorting.

But Lily was my Housemate, and the Head Girl to boot. She was also the closest thing I had to a friend, beside Remus.

“Hey Lily,” I found myself saying before I was even aware that I’d come to a decision.

Both turned to me in surprise and the dark haired Slytherin sneered. “Why don’t you mind your own business, new girl.”

“Lily and I- we had-” I stumbled over my words under the weight of the boy’s scowl. Speaking up was never one of my strong suits. “Study plans,” I finally managed to choke out.

His eyes flashed darkly, but he didn’t say anything else and walked off. Lily glanced at me with gratitude. “Thanks,” she said.

I shrugged. She was the Head Girl. It was always good to have the students with power be on my side. At least that’s how I justified it to myself.

When Lily turned to go I cleared my throat. “Er- we could, you know, actually go study. If you wanted. And don’t have other plans. Or- yeah.” I shut up before I said anything else stupid. There was no need to ramble on.

Lily looked at me for a moment with an indecipherable expression. “Okay. Library?”

I nodded, glad she had accepted. It would have been embarrassing to tuck my tail and run if she’d declined.

“So why the change of heart?” She asked as we walked to the library together.

“I- what?”

“You’ve been avoiding me since classes began. Why do you want to study together all of a sudden?” I shrugged and looked away. It was easier not to answer those questions, or anything that had to do with my lycanthropy. “C’mon, Ana, you had to have a reason. Tell me!” She pressed.

“I just- I don’t-” I stammered and bit my lip so hard a bit of metallic blood tainted my mouth. The taste burned my tongue in a way it never used to, but I ignored it. “I miss school a lot,” I finally said. I found myself surprised at how true the words were.

I was so focused on everything else that I hadn’t really thought about normal stuff, like missing my old life, and not just without the curse. Missing everything.

“Durmstrang, I mean. Hogwarts is nice, but it’s- it’s not the same.”

Lily smiled at me. “Don’t feel bad, that’s understandable. It must be hard to be uprooted from everything you know. I bet you miss your friends.”

I nodded, surprised at how easy it was to be honest about this with Lily. “I haven’t seen them since school let out last semester. I never thought I’d go this long without Lizette or Mascha.”

“Don’t you write them?” Her tone was light, merely curious, but it felt like a stone dropped in my stomach.

“Things didn’t end well,” I muttered as I started pulling out texts for Transfiguration, as that was the most difficult NEWT Lily and I shared. “We should get some studying done before it’s time for dinner.”

Lily nodded and didn’t bring up my former friends or Durmstrang for the rest of the afternoon.

I couldn’t stop thinking about them, however. I could almost see Lizette’s golden hair and easy smile and Mascha’s stern scowl and blunt features as they argued about whether to study or relax in our rooms.

I missed them more than anything. The last time I saw them was on that last day of school before the summer vacation. We’d all promised to keep in touch over the summer, and to have the best final year ever when we got back in the fall.

Then everything happened and we never spoke again. I didn’t expect to receive letters from them. They’d no doubt heard what happened and that had a habit of putting abrupt ends to friendships.

When dinner came I sensed that Lily was about as relieved as I was. The theories of NEWT level Transfiguration took complete concentration and I was more than a little distracted.

Not that dinner would make anything better. Hogwarts food was good, but it was British. It didn’t taste like home.

The gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach grew. All the worrying about full moons and people learning my secret had kept me from thinking about other things, but now I was homesick.

I missed my parents and my friends, my home. I’d even give anything to see Headmaster Kruger again.

Lily was quiet as we walked to the Great Hall together, but right outside we ran into the four Gryffindor boys. Sirius scowled at me silently and Lily and James both stared at the floor.

Seemingly oblivious to all three of them, Remus gave me a friendly smile. “It must be a sign, come sit with us.”

His tone didn’t leave much room for disagreement and I had decided to start enjoying my final year.

I nodded.

Sirius let out a heavy sigh and crossed his arms. Lily shook her head. “I was just going back to our room. I’m behind on- Transfiguration. I wasn’t going to eat anyway.” She ducked away and scurried down the corridor.

Her excuse confused me. We’d just spent a good bit of time studying Transfiguration. She couldn’t be that behind- and she was one of the best in the class.

I didn’t have time to think any further about it because the boys’ conversation was all encompassing if I wished to even attempt to follow what they were saying.

“There’s always Mica Turner,” Remus said.

The name sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it. They’d continued their conversation from before I ran into them so I had no context either.

“No, no way,” James replied emphatically. “If I go back and grovel to him he’ll never let me forget it.”

“He might be your only shot.” James groaned and massaged his forehead.

“I could play,” Sirius suggested, smiling at his friend. “I always used to play Quidditch with my cousins.”

“Oh Merlin, no. I’d take Turner a hundred times over before I’d put you on the pitch.” Peter and Remus both laughed at James’s remark.

Sirius turned a bit red in the face as he picked at his food. “I’m not that bad.”

I gathered they were talking about Quidditch and remembered who Turner was- the boy James had thrown off the team early in the year. There must have been a problem with his replacement if James was looking for another player in October.

“Ana, you don’t happen to be secretly a star chaser, do you?” James asked. “Or even halfway decent? I can work with halfway decent.”

I blushed and shook my head. I’d never really played much, Durmstrang didn’t have teams the way Hogwarts did. We had trainers for those students who had talent and other than a bit of flying for fun I kept to watching.

“Oh, so you’ll ask Durmstrang to play, but not me?”

“Padfoot, you make the first years learning to fly look coordinated,” James said dryly. “And that’s coming from your best mate.”

Sirius scowled at him and muttered something unintelligible under his breath which didn’t sound at all polite. I glanced around to make sure no professors had heard.

Sirius noticed and, apparently eager to take the attention off himself, snapped, “What’s got you so paranoid, Durmstrang? Scared you’ll get expelled from another school?”

I stared at the table, avoiding any sort of eye contact.

“What’d you have to do to get expelled from there, anyway? They encourage dark magic. Did you kill someone? Get a bit carried away, I’m sure you didn’t really mean to.”

I clenched my jaw and refused to look up. I had to remind myself that Sirius was only baiting me. He’d hated me from the moment he learned I was from Durmstrang. No one could actually believe that I killed someone.

“Padfoot, watch it,” Remus snapped at his friend.

“What, don’t tell me you aren’t curious?” Sirius asked. “People don’t just up and switch schools for no reason their final year. She had to have been expelled, or worse. Am I the only one thinking about this?” He glanced at his three friends.

James shrugged. “I don’t see that it’s any of my business.”

“But she could be dangerous,” Sirius protested.

“Dumbledore wouldn’t have let her in if she was.” That was Peter.

My face was slowly turning redder. These were exactly the kinds of questions I couldn’t afford people asking. I shot a panicked look at Remus who seemed to pick up that this conversation wasn’t okay.

“Drop it,” he said. “I trust her and that ought to be good enough for you.”

Sirius scowled at me, but closed his mouth. The less I said about Durmstrang around him, the better. My only hope was that he’d eventually forget what school I used to attend. If it slipped to the back of his mind I might have a chance.

There was an awkward silence and James cleared his throat. “So uh you sure you can’t play, Ana? We’ve only got a month until the first match and I need enough to field a team.”

I shook my head and he shrugged.

“Okay, whatever you say. You guys remember that little third year that showed up wanting to take over Simonson’s spot?”

“The one who didn’t realize you already had a seeker?” Peter asked.

James nodded. “Isn’t that her sitting at the edge of the table there?” We looked and sure enough a small blonde girl was chatting with a few other kids about her age. “She could fly alright, I saw her practicing before the game. And she wanted to be seeker so she can probably catch a Quaffle. What do you think?”

Peter was still eyeing the girl. “You and Michaels should be able to pick up her slack. And you do need someone.”

“Great.” James was already standing and wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his robe. “No time like the present.”

Without James the boys went silent. We watched as he talked to the girl, although they were too far away to hear what they were saying.

We weren’t too far to hear her shriek in glee, though.

James looked a bit rattled when he got back. “Third years,” he said, rubbing his ear. “So loud. She better be like that on her broom, at least. Maybe if she just screams at Hufflepuff they’ll back off.”

Peter shrugged. “Tell Simonson to catch the snitch early. Then it won’t matter if you fall too far behind.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” James muttered, sullenly shoveling food into his mouth. “It’s appreciated.”

“We’ll see at practice tomorrow night. Maybe the girl won’t be that bad.” James didn’t acknowledge Peter’s comment and just continued to eat his dinner.

I wondered for a moment if I was maybe invited to watch their practice too, but pushed the thought from my mind. I didn’t go out after dark anymore and the Gryffindors practiced after the sun went down. The night sky gave me the creeps now, even when there wasn’t a full moon out.

“Want to watch with us, Ana?” Remus asked.

I looked up at him in surprise and then to Sirius. He looked angry, but he kept his lips tightly shut and just glared at me. “I- I don’t-”

“Think about it,” Remus said with a smile. “We always like having more people watch with us.”

“Since when,” Sirius muttered under his breath.

“And some of us have detention so they shouldn’t even care anyway,” Remus said pointedly. Sirius scowled down at his chicken and stabbed it viciously with a fork. I could only imagine what it represented.

I hated that I was making things bad between the boys. But not bad enough that I was willing to leave. I had a feeling that even if I did Remus would drag me back and force Sirius to put up with me. He just seemed like that kind of guy.

The boys loaded more food on their plates as I finished. Sticking around after I was done didn’t seem like the greatest idea and I’d already spent most of dinner with them, even if I hadn’t said much.

“I’m going-” My voice came out too quiet and I tried again. “I think I’ll head back to the common room.”

“Bye Ana,” James said, giving me a bit of a smile.

I hurried out of the Great Hall without looking back, almost relieved to be away from the boys. They were friendly enough, except for Sirius, but it was obvious that I didn’t fit in. They weren’t just going to accept me as a part of their group. 

They were more exclusive than anyone I’d ever met before. It was almost as though none of them had any other friends, although all seemed well liked by most of the school. They kept to themselves and whenever I was around I noticed sentences trailing off and shared meaningful looks.

I was so busy thinking about the Marauders that I didn’t notice the boy behind me in the corridor until he grabbed my shoulder.

“Hey!” I shouted, lashing out with my arm. I clocked him in the face with my elbow and he grabbed his nose. Everyone at Durmstrang was trained in muggle combat for the first four years. Unofficially it was meant to exhaust the younger kids so they wouldn’t create trouble in their free time. I wouldn’t win any awards for my skills, but I knew enough to make most people back off.

“I was just trying to help,” he said. As he pulled his hand away I noticed he was the same Slytherin boy who had been talking to Lily after History of Magic. I couldn’t help but wonder if his grabbing me in the hallway had something to do with her.

“I don’t want your help,” I said, turning away. If he tried to grab me again I would hear his footsteps. The only reason I didn’t the first time was because I was distracted.

“Just hear me out.”

I shook my head without looking back and upped my pace until I was sure he hadn’t followed me. I didn’t know anything about him, except that Lily wasn’t his biggest fan.

I would have to talk to her about him, make sure he wasn’t someone I needed to be worried about.

But I had already spent time with her studying after class. I made a mental note to talk with Lily sometime this week and ducked through the common room which was full of students from various years.

I’d come to learn that mealtimes at Hogwarts were flexible and quite often people would go late or early or even skip them altogether. It was just one more thing that was different from Durmstrang.

I sighed as I made my way up the girls’ staircase, not sure of what to do for the rest of the evening. Without friends my schedule was very open. It consisted mostly of classes, sleep, and studying.

With the occasional letter to my parents. I hadn’t written them in a few days so I sat at my desk and began composing a letter.

It didn’t dawn on me until later that Lily had said she was going back to our room before dinner, but she was still nowhere to be found. Her excuse sounded funny before, now it was just plain strange.

But we were all entitled to our secrets as I knew all too well so I went back to the letter to my parents.


	7. Defense Against the Dark Arts

I decided to attend Quidditch practice with Remus and Peter. Sirius had detention and I wouldn’t have to worry about him, and it would get me out of spending time with them later in the week if things got too awkward.

Besides, James would be too busy keeping his team in order so it would only be half the Marauders. Half of the Marauders was much easier to deal with than all the Marauders.

I met up with Remus and Peter at the Hogwarts entrance and they both greeted me with smiles. Peter seemed a bit preoccupied and Remus whispered that he’d been up all night worried about the new chaser.

I nodded like this made sense to me. For someone who wasn’t actually a member of the Gryffindor team, Peter seemed to spend a lot of time thinking about it.

Practice had already begun by the time we reached the pitch, but James, the third year, and another tall thin girl with light brown hair were still on the ground. James had his wand in his hand and drew patterns in the dirt at his feet. I assumed he was explaining the flying formation to the new girl.

The three of us settled into the stands and Peter immediately began to chatter nervously. “Do you think she’s any good? She looks confused. It can’t be that complicated, it’s just a simple triangle. Maybe she’s stupid and it’ll all fall to James and Michaels.”

Michaels must have been the other girl with James and the third year, I figured. Everyone else was already running drills in the air.

“So how are you liking Hogwarts?” Remus asked, ignoring Peter’s nervous ramblings.

I smiled. This was exactly the kind of awkward conversation made by someone who felt like they were obligated to be my friend. “It’s different.”

“Different good, I hope.”

I shrugged. “Some of it.”

The two girls suddenly took off on their brooms and James threw the Quaffle high into the air. They sped around for a few minutes with the older girl easily evading the other’s attempts before James blew his whistle and shouted some instructions that were lost in the wind.

Corinne tossed the Quaffle and flew directly at the younger girl, startling her into dropping the large ball. Corinne dove and caught it, tossing it back to its previous owner.

James jogged over to where we were sitting, a wide grin on his face. “You won’t believe what I’m about to tell you,” he said excitedly.

“She can’t even hold onto the Quaffle,” Peter moaned, ignoring his friend.

“Elsie? She’ll learn,” James said offhandedly. “Lily said yes!”

“Yes in what sense?” Remus asked, eyeing James suspiciously.

“Yes to Hogsmeade!”

Remus and Peter exchanged a look. “Mate, have you been sniffing the potions again? You know those smells can do funny things to your brain.”

“I’m serious! In two weeks, I am going to Hogsmeade with the one and only Lily Marie Evans.” He grinned madly. “She said yes!”

Before anyone could say anything else, I noticed something in the air. “Your beater!” I gasped, staring at the younger boy who was spiraling toward the ground clutching his hand.

James spun around and scowled. “Lief! What have I told you about choking up on the bat?”

The fifth year was pale, his face white with pain. “I think I broke it,” he managed weakly, stumbling as he dismounted his broom.

James stalked over to the boy, Lief, and grabbed his hand. He groaned in pain and I bit my lip. Blood was easy to handle, but I couldn’t stand seeing other people in pain like that. Bones were meant to stay in place.

My stomach churned and the rest of the team joined James on the ground. “Echoll, take him to Madam Pomfrey.” The other beater abandoned his own broom and escorted Lief off the pitch. He glanced at the other four members of the team. “Did I tell you to stop drills? Get back in the air! Stop acting like you lot never saw a broken bone before!”

Everyone but the three chasers took off and the new member of the team had a quiet and frantic conversation with James.

Remus and I watched with only slight interest, but Peter’s attention was glued to the pitch. Finally Corinne shrugged, James threw up his hands, and Elsie left the pitch.

“What just happened?” I asked Remus.

“Nothing good.”

Neither of the beaters or the third chaser came back and James let the rest of the team go early. We waited for him outside the locker rooms. He was the last out with his hair damp from the showers and a tired expression on his face.

“Back to square one,” he said sullenly. “Luftwaffle quit. She apparently had never seen a broken hand before.”

Peter frowned. “You’ll be crushed without a third chaser, unless you catch the snitch in record time.”

James scowled at him. “You think I don’t know that? I’m the captain. We need somebody on the pitch. Somebody who can fly and doesn’t get squeamish when there’s a minor injury. Somebody who doesn’t drop the damn Quaffle.”

There was a moment of silence and James glanced at us. “Anyone care to fill in the blank?”

“There’s always Turner,” Remus said carefully. “If you’re desperate.”

James kicked a stone on the path back to the castle. “Damn it. Turner’s never going to let me forget it either.”

They talked Quidditch all the way back to the Common Room and though I tried to listen I couldn’t help tuning out. Watching a game was fine, enjoyable even, but this was boring me to tears.

I bid the boys goodnight and headed up to the girls’ dormitory. Lily was already in bed with a book and I realized it must have been later than I thought. Probably after curfew, although James, Peter, and Remus didn’t appear to have noticed or cared.

I remembered as I saw her that I hadn’t asked her about the Slytherin boy yet, the one who talked to her after History of Magic and stopped me in the corridor.

“Hey Ana,” she said, smiling at me over the top of her book.

I nodded back in greeting. Paige, one of our other roommates, came in from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her head. I ducked into my bed and grabbed an essay to proofread for the next day.

My conversation with Lily could wait. We had several classes together and I had numerous opportunities to ask her about the Slytherin boy.

 

In Defense Against the Dark Arts we were studying dueling. In this class more than any other the differences between Hogwarts and Durmstrang were clear. At Hogwarts the emphasis was on defense, Dumbledore refused to have any dark magic taught at his school.

Durmstrang on the other hand taught everything. We learned not only how to defend ourselves, but how to eliminate our attacker. Sometimes it’s not enough to continually throw up shield spells and duck out of the way. You need to know how to incapacitate dark wizards.

It was one of the main reasons my father insisted I attend Durmstrang. I received acceptance letters from both schools, but he wanted me to learn all kinds of magic, particularly with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named rising to power.

The best defense is a good offense. A cliché, but true nevertheless.

These classes at Hogwarts were tedious for me. When we free styled with our dueling partners I had to pay special attention to keep myself in check. The only jinxes we were permitted to use were harmless. Important spells to learn, but I was used to throwing everything into duels.

Wootin, our Defense professor, didn’t necessarily approve. He was much like Dumbledore in that he forbade dark magic or any mention of the practical aspects of dark magic in his classroom and spoke only negatively of it.

But he also paired me with only the most skilled duelers amongst the other seventh years. I wasn’t sure if this was so I could better practice or because he assumed I would inadvertently injure anyone else.

As a result I spent most of my time dueling the only person in class I wished to avoid more than anyone else- Sirius. Sometimes he was replaced with James or a dark skinned Revenclaw boy by the name of Kingsley.

I sidestepped a bright jet of blue light that Sirius shot at me as it easily passed through my shield. What he lacked in curses he made up for in raw power. Had he attended Durmstrang he would have been terrifying to duel.

I responded with a stunning spell that ricocheted away with a wave of his wand.

He bared his teeth at me in a brutal grin. “Don’t tell me that’s the best you got, Durmstrang. A stunning spell? Please. Go back to fifth year if you want to play with those.”

That was another aspect of our duels I didn’t enjoy. I wasn’t sure if it was just me, but Sirius liked to trash talk. He’d spend the two hours of practical time we had per week shooting off hexes or his mouth, trying to get a rise out of me.

He sent a jelly legs jinx at me which I parried easily, but followed it immediately by two more jets of light, the first of which exploded my shield and the second singed the tips of my hair.

The smirk on his face incensed me more than the multiple attacks when we were supposed to be alternating. I slashed my wand at him and a streak of purple fire shot through his shield and hit him in the shoulder.

The curse was lessened by Sirius’s shield, but he stumbled and dropped his wand. It clattered to the ground and his wand arm hung limply by side. He glanced at me with fury in his eyes and I took a step back, still holding my wand out.

“The hell did you do to me?” He spat, grabbing his right shoulder with his working hand. “That was dark magic! Are you trying to kill me?”

I let my hand gripping my wand fall to my side as the rest of the class quieted and turned to stare at the two of us. “I’m- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“You were trying to kill me!” My face darkened in shame and I looked at the ground. He was right, at least partially. The curse did have the capability to kill if done right, but I wasn’t nearly strong enough to manage that.

And it was only when it hit the heart. I only meant to stop him from continuing to hex me.

“Mr. Black, are you alright?” Wootin straightened Sirius who flinched in pain. “Potter, Evans, take him to the hospital wing,” he ordered, a sharp tone in his voice leaving no room for argument.

Lily and James hurried to Sirius and tried to help him get his feet straight, but he pushed them away. “Evil bitch,” he muttered with a dark look at me as he left the room.

I looked around, but everyone looked away. No one would meet my eyes. Even Wootin seemed more than a bit perturbed. “Ah, yes. The rest of you get back to practicing. Lyle and Paolin, you two pair up. Miss Haugen, my office now.”

The class became abuzz with noise and multicolored light again, although as I walked around the corner of the room I felt people’s eyes on me. I really hadn’t meant to hurt Sirius, just make him back off.

At Durmstrang that spell would have been fine to use, I’d done it loads of times in the past. It didn’t cause lasting damage, a few days in the hospital wing and Sirius would be good as new.

“Mr. Black was right about that spell being very dark magic.” I kept my eyes on the floor in shame. “We don’t permit such magic within these walls. What do you have to say for yourself?”

I wasn’t sure if he was one of the professors who knew why I was here, but I couldn’t take the chance of being expelled from another school. “Please sir, I didn’t mean it! Sirius- he’ll be fine. I hardly did anything to him!”

“Dark magic can kill people.”

This time I didn’t say anything. I just ducked my head and stared at the floor. I had lost control for just a minute there. I knew spells like that weren’t allowed, dark curses. It was just so difficult not to use them when Sirius was acting the way he so often did.

“Well?”

“I’m sorry, sir. There was no excuse.”

He sighed and rubbed his face. “You’re right about that.”

A silence settled over us and I scuffed my black shoe on the ground just waiting for him to announce that he was sending me to the Headmaster for expulsion. That was really the only punishment appropriate for breaking the rules in such a big way.

“I think detention for the next three Saturdays is suitable. You’ll miss the first Hogsmeade weekend. And you’ll have to be banned from dueling for the rest of the school year. You will of course receive a failing grade for that portion of the class.” He glanced down at me with a serious look on his face.

I waited for more, sending me to the Headmaster or a threat to ship me home. Something worse than just a slap on the wrists.

But nothing came.

“Yes, sir.” I said, figuring that was the response he wanted.

“Provided Mr. Black makes a full recovery there will be no harsher punishment this time.” His tone, although even, was serious. “But be very careful Miss Haugen. Be sure I will speak with the other professors and the Headmaster about your conduct.”

I’d expected a lot more, but the punishment still made me nervous. I couldn’t break anymore rules, not even a small one. What if something from the Marauders fell back on me? They broke rules all the time, but they rarely ever seemed to get in trouble, except Sirius who wanted detention.

“Yes, sir,” I said. When he didn’t add more I assumed I was dismissed and began to exit his office.

“Miss Haugen?” I froze, wondering if there was something worse he was going to say. “An apology is most likely in order.”

“Sorry, sir.”

“Not to me.”

Right. Seeing Sirius wasn’t exactly what I wanted to do even if Wootin was correct.

“The only reason you’re getting off so lightly is because of your special circumstances,” he said coolly. “Had you been any other student you would be sitting in the Headmaster’s office right now. But this will not be tolerated any further.”

I nodded and made a hasty exit. I wasn’t sure I liked the way he said special circumstances. I didn’t know whether he meant the lycanthropy or coming from Durmstrang, but either way it didn’t sound good.

I had to walk back through the class and everyone dueling paused to stare at me, probably surprised that I wasn’t being escorted off to Azkaban by ministry officials.

I was a bit surprised that wasn’t the case, in fact. But I wasn’t in any place to question it.

I ducked my head and hurried from the room, pausing only to pick up Sirius’s forgotten wand which still lay where he had dropped it. I hoped everyone else would forget all about my little mistake by the end of class. Wishful thinking, I knew, but it was all I had.

I made my way to the hospital wing, knowing that Professor Wootin was right. Nothing would get better if I didn’t at least try to apologize to Sirius. There was a chance he might forgive. A slim chance, but a chance nonetheless.

I pushed open the door to the hospital wing and immediately all three people turned to look at me.

Well, glare was probably a more apt word than look. I stopped in the doorway, blocking it with my body so it couldn’t close. None of them looked the slightest bit pleased to see me. They didn’t even appear indifferent. Even Lily had a sharp frown on her face.

“Get the fuck away from me,” Sirius spat, the first to recover from the surprise of seeing me.

Neither of the Heads drew their wands on me, but I did notice James tighten his grip on his own.

“Ana, I think you should leave,” Lily said calmly. Her tone was too even for my comfort and sent a slight chill down my spine. She didn’t even admonish Sirius for his language and Lily didn’t seem the type to put up with that.

I fingered Sirius’s wand in the pocket of my robes. I didn’t fancy the idea of walking over to them, but I needed to return his wand or he’d think even worse of me.

And I needed to apologize.

I stepped inside and took a few careful strides to the bed Sirius was sitting in. I pulled his wand out of my pocket and offered it in to him.

The minute he saw the wand in my hand, James flinched towards his own and began raising it before Lily put a hand on his forearm.

Sirius snatched his wand out of my outstretched hand and immediately pointed it at me. “Get out.”

I nodded and retreated to the door where I once again paused. “I’m- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean- I’m sorry.”

“Great,” Sirius snapped, his tone harsh. “Now get out.”

This time I obeyed and turned down the corridor, gathering speed until I reached a trot. I didn’t know where to go. I was full of too much nervous energy for the library and the other Marauders could very well be up there.

Instead I searched for an abandoned classroom and charmed the door locked behind me. There were only a few chairs and I threw my backpack on one of them.

I raised my wand at the wall and jerked it in a rough motion. “Flagrate! Flagrate!” I shouted, continuing to create a trail of bright orange flame from my wand.

It set across the walls of the room until I had painted an abstract design and leaned against the table exhausted.

I stayed in the classroom until the last of the flames faded away, but the image was still flickering in my eyes, burned into my retinas.

Deciding to make friends had been the wrong idea after all. Maybe I shouldn’t even remain at Hogwarts. They hated me and they didn’t even know my secret. Even Remus was going to hate me now.

Hogwarts was a bad idea entirely. I was taught to use all kinds of magic, it felt so wrong to forcibly limit myself. To ignore something that was just as important to my education as shield spells and minor hexes.

But I’d been here over a month. My parents wouldn’t let me just abandon my final year. It was my only hope of getting a good education. I’d just have to try harder and keep my head down. People wouldn’t remember this forever.


	8. Slytherin

The next week was my most difficult at Hogwarts so far. Before people didn’t know or care about me. Some recognized me as the new student from Durmstrang, but they didn’t take notice.

Now they all knew my name. I’d become infamous over night and things had grown progressively worse. I’d taken to hiding in the abandoned classroom I found because the library was too open.

My roommates acted almost scared of me. They weren’t outright cruel, but they shot me sidelong glances as I prepared for bed and avoided me everywhere else. Not even Lily spoke to me except for painfully polite remarks regarding the weather or our homework.

But the absolute worst was potions. James was still my partner and he couldn’t flat out refuse to work with me, Slughorn wouldn’t allow it. Instead we’d fallen into a rhythm of silence.

James retrieved the ingredients and did as best we could, often screwing up more because of our lack of communication.

I glanced over just as he was pouring Horklump juice into the potion. “I already added that!” I hissed frantically, but it was too late.

The potion bubbled over the top and seared the top of the table, boiling through to the floor. I didn’t know what we had done, but it didn’t look good.

“Damnit,” James shouted, leaping away from the table. He stumbled over his schoolbag in his haste to get away and I was only a step behind. The potion continued to bubble up and out, expanding more than would have seemed possible from our one small cauldron.

Slughorn waved his wand and while it didn’t disappear it stopped moving and the bubbles began to slowly cease. After a few seconds it began to pull itself inward until it completely disappeared. I’d never seen a potion react quite like that before.

“Either of you touch it?” Slughorn asked brusquely. I shook my head and James did the same. “What would possess you two to double the amount of Horklump? It could have burned clear through your bones!”

I shuddered at the thought. My bones couldn’t take much more abuse than my monthly transformations.

“She didn’t say she’d already put it in,” James said, pointedly not looking at me.

“Well you didn’t ask,” I snapped back. I didn’t say things like that, but James could have gotten us both killed. I couldn’t just sit there and let him lay all the blame on me. It wasn’t just my fault this time.

“You’re acting like children.” Slughorn sounded disgusted with our behavior, but I kept my eyes glued to the ground and figured James was doing the same. “I’ll deal with you next class. You can be dismissed early.”

James and I gathered our things and he held up the remains of his bag in dismay. “Thanks, Haugen,” he said sarcastically. “If I need any more of my personal property destroyed I’ll let you know.”

I scowled, but didn’t say anything. He was baiting me, looking for an excuse to give me detention. I couldn’t afford to get in more trouble on top of the three detentions I already had.

In the corridor I turned the opposite way of James, although he was heading to the Gryffindor Tower same as I was. Many of my housemates were finishing with potions so I was fairly safe to meander aimlessly about the castle.

It was a Friday so my first detention was tomorrow. I didn’t know exactly what it would entail. At Durmstrang, detentions often took all day on the weekends and were strenuous, not to mention generally painful.

Last week I would have asked Remus or Lily about detentions here, but now I wasn’t desperate enough. Remus hadn’t even looked at me since I cursed Sirius. I wasn’t going to attempt talking to him until the full moon which was just over two weeks away, right after the first Hogsmeade trip that I was missing.

I wasn’t too broken up about the Hogsmeade trip. It didn’t seem like that much fun without friends to go with and I was just as fine staying on the Hogwarts grounds.

It didn’t hurt that for one entire day everyone who hated me was going to be out of the castle. If I did have time outside of detention it would be good to relax, even if only for a few minutes.

“Oi! Haugen!” A rough voice came from behind me and I turned, unsure of who it would be or how I ought to react. It never seemed good when people talked to me these days.

There was a boy in green trimmed robes who had brown, unkempt hair and dark eyes. He looked me up and down and smiled. “Bardolf Avery, at your service,” he said, mockingly polite. “Heard what you did to Black. Nasty little curse, that was. You were lucky to get off so easy.”

I shrugged nervously. Something about Avery seemed a little bit off to me, although he was no different than most of the people I knew at Durmstrang and unlike most of the Hogwarts student he acted perfectly nice to me.

“A few of us with, how shall I say, certain similar interests are getting together tomorrow at Hogsmeade. We thought you might like to join us.” His dark eyes gleamed in the torchlight.

“I can’t- detention,” I said, unsure if I was sorry to be missing out or not.

“For cursing Black, I presume,” he said and I nodded. “Well there’s always next time. We spend a lot of time together in the Slytherin common room. You may be a Gryffindor, but, well, I think an exception could be made just this once for your particular skills.

So he was inviting me to be an honorary Slytherin with him and his friends, essentially. Slytherin was the house I ought to have been sorted into, had it been a legitimate Sorting. “I think I’d like that.”

“Brilliant.” He smiled at me, although his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “It’s me, Rutley Mulciber, and Severus Snape. Mulciber and Snape are in Potions with you.”

I couldn’t place Mulciber, but Snape was the boy who’d been bothering Lily and had grabbed me outside of the Great Hall. He gave me the creeps, but Avery seemed nice enough.

“Tomorrow night, when your detention is over and we’ve come back from Hogsmeade. Mulciber will get you after dinner. I doubt your House would be too thrilled for you to come sit with us.” I nodded in agreement, but I wasn’t sure if that was the real reason or if they didn’t want to be seen with me. I was a Gryffindor after all, even if I did have a reputation for cursing Sirius.

He left down the corridor as quickly as he’d appeared and I turned back the other way. Our conversation should have given James enough time to get back to the Common Room and leave again before I got there.

As I walked down the corridor, a Gryffindor prefect who looked to be in her fifth year gave me a dirty look and flipped her thin blonde hair over her shoulder.

When she was out of earshot, I sighed. It definitely seemed better to be an honorary Slytherin than a Gryffindor who was hated by the entire House. At least the Slytherins liked me.

 

My detention wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it might be, but it was exhausting. Wootin had sent me to Madam Pomfrey to work for her as she saw fit all day. She liked me, but that didn’t stop her from having me clean the entire Hospital Wing without the use of magic.

It was a relief to be under her instruction instead of Wootin himself or one of the other professors, or even Filch. She stopped me every hour or so to make sure I was doing okay and never insisted I move faster.

I didn’t finish until dinner and went straight to the Great Hall. Everyone was getting in from Hogsmeade and no one noticed me in the mass of students. I took a seat in the middle of the Gryffindor table and ate quietly, not noticing anything else until someone sat across from me.

Remus scowled, his eyes hard. “What the hell is wrong with you?” He snapped.

I blinked, not knowing how to respond. “I’m sorry,” I finally settled on.

“Sorry? You cursed Sirius! I vouched for you and you just turned around and threw that back in my face!” I glanced down and kneaded my hands in my lap. “And now I hear you’re spending time with Avery?”

My eyes snapped up. “What?” I asked in shock. “Are you spying on me?”

“Mary Macdonald just mentioned she’d seen you talking to him, I wouldn’t spy on you.” Mary Macdonald must have been the prefect who blew past me just after talking to Avery. If Remus was having people report on my actions it sure sounded like he was spying on me, but I let it drop.

“I can spend time with whoever I want,” I muttered.

“Avery’s a Death Eater,” Remus snapped. “He supports You-Know-Who and blood purity.”

“He’s still in school,” I replied, although what Remus said made me a little anxious over spending the evening with him and his friends. I may have been from a good pureblood family, but You-Know-Who was a different matter entirely. At Durmstrang we knew enough not to get involved, but Hogwarts was right in the middle of everything. “You-Know-Who wouldn’t take in someone who was hardly of age.”

Remus raised an eyebrow and looked annoyed with me. “Believe what you want. I’m done.”

He stood up and walked off and I pushed my plate away, suddenly not hungry. My stomach was churning. Maybe I shouldn’t have agreed to spend time in the Slytherin Common Room with Mulciber, Avery, and Snape.

But Avery was the only person who’d spoken to me since I cursed Sirius. Spending the entire school year sitting alone in my room wasn’t the most desirable option. If Avery and his friends were talking to me I’d take them up on it.

Remus must have been overreacting. They couldn’t be Death Eaters while still in school. Some of Sirius’s prejudice against anyone even remotely related to Slytherin House must have rubbed off.

I waited around outside the Great Hall for nearly an hour after the meal until three tall Slytherin boys joined me. Two I recognized, Avery and Snape, but the third had blonde curly hair and a stern look on his face. He must have been Mulciber.

“Hullo,” I said a bit nervously, smiling at them. Together they looked like a force to be reckoned with, a darker, quieter version of the Marauders. And more serious too.

“Ana Haugen, Rutley Mulciber and Severus Snape,” Avery said, directing his hands to the blonde boy and Snape. I nodded at them, but didn’t say anything else.

I followed the boys to the dungeons in silence. They didn’t speak to me or each other and I didn’t know how to start the conversation. In that way things were so much easier with the Marauders. At least they talked to each other enough that it was less noticeable how quiet I was.

We stopped in front of a stone wall and Snape scowled at me. “I don’t like giving her the password. I’ve seen her with the Marauders a dozen times.”

“It changes on Sunday anyway,” Avery said, his voice low. “And she cursed Black. This isn’t some elaborate scheme to get into our common room to prank us. Don’t be so paranoid.”

“I still don’t like this,” Snape said.

“Purum sanguinem,” Avery said dryly, rolling his eyes at me. The stone wall shifted until it revealed a passage into a large room.

It was different than the Gryffindor common room, in more ways than just the obvious color shift. Everything was black and dark green, more grand than Gryffindor, but also colder. There was also a bit of the Black Lake near the corner that replaced the ceiling.

I blinked away, determined not to stare, but Snape noticed anyway. “Not exactly like the Gryffindor one, now is it?”

I paused, then shook my head. From the way he talked I assumed he had seen it, although I didn’t quite know how or when.

Avery scowled at a second year in a black chair who scurried away and then took a seat, kicking his feet up onto a dark table. “Take a seat,” he said, gesturing at the other chair and sofa around the table.

They were all empty as the younger students who had occupied those had fled with the second year. I gingerly sat on the sofa, afraid to relax, and Mulciber sat on the other side.

Snape eased himself into a chair with a sneer on his face. “How did someone like you end up in Gryffindor, Haugen?” He asked disdainfully.

I shrugged. I couldn’t tell him the truth, that I’d been put there to be near Remus, but the lie I was supposed to use didn’t seem to work either. “I think it was a space issue,” I said. “I wasn’t Sorted the same as the first years.”

“Dumbledore probably saw something special in you.” Avery’s tone was cold and aloof. “Wanted to put you in his House in case you made something of yourself. Prejudiced fool. Everyone knows the Gryffindors are his favorites. How else do you explain the fact that Potter and that mudblood made Head Boy?”

I flinched at the word, although I heard it dozens of times in the past at Durmstrang or home. It just seemed different when it was being used to describe someone who was- or at least used to be- my friend.

“Don’t tell me you’re a mudblood lover like Dumbledore?” Mulciber asked, the first words I’d heard him speak in his raspy baritone.

I shook my head. Maybe I was, but I certainly wasn’t going to admit it around this lot.

“Good, we don’t have time for that kind of nonsense around here. Someone needs to put those filthy muddlebloods and muggles in their rightful place.” I didn’t flinch this time, but my stomach tightened.

More and more it seemed like Remus was right. I oughtn’t be spending my time with them. Even if they weren’t Death Eaters yet, it certainly seemed like that was the way they were heading. I didn’t want to be involved on either side of this war, no matter what I believed.

“Care to teach us that nifty little curse you used against Black?” Avery asked, his eyes gleaming. “I’ve heard about it, but never learned to use it.”

“You want new spells, read a book,” Snape snapped. “I’m done playing this game. She’s not one of us and never will be.” He stood and stalked off, around the corner and presumably to his dormitory.

I glanced at the other two boys nervously, hoping they didn’t leave too. On my own in the Slytherin Common Room didn’t seem like the best idea. Thankfully they both stayed seated.

“You’ll have to forgive Severus,” Avery said coolly, looking nonplussed by his friend’s dramatic exit. “He’s a bit sensitive when it comes to outsiders.”

“Oh,” I said. I looked at Mulciber who sat on the other end of the sofa staring at me and felt my skin crawl. There was something very off about these boys. It wasn’t their desire for blood purity, I grew up with that. They were just creepy, almost disturbingly so.

“So the spell?” Avery asked again eagerly, pulling out his wand.

“Oh I uh-” I fingered my own wand. I didn’t want to tell him, although I was sure he knew a dozen which were worse. “I don’t really know how to explain spells. This one- it’s not just an incantation. I don’t know-”

“That’s fine,” he said, leaning back in the chair. “I’ll just learn it in a book. Or have Severus teach me. We haven’t found a curse yet that Severus can’t master.”

That must have been why Snape left so hurriedly. He didn’t like the thought of the boys learning curses from people other than him. He didn’t want me replacing him. And he seemed to have a particularly nasty view of the Marauders, although I could see why if they treated all Slytherins the way they treated me.

“What were you doing, wasting time with the Marauders?” Avery asked suddenly, out of the blue. “You’re an intelligent girl from a good family, surely you should have known to come seek out those of us with better bloodlines and standing than those four.”

I stared at him in surprise. Sirius was a member of the House of Black, one of the oldest and noblest families in wizarding history. James was a Potter and wasn’t too far off from Sirius. Remus I assumed was pureblood, or at least close. And Peter I didn’t know, although it seemed likely he was considering the other three.

“I was under the impression Black and Potter were both good family names,” I said blandly. I didn’t want to disagree, but Avery was just wrong about this one.

He scoffed. “Bloodtraitors, nothing but filthy blood traitors. Black’s family is alright, but he was disowned. His own mother threw him out two years ago and he’s been blasted off their tapestry, saw it myself.”

“Oh,” I said. I hadn’t known that about Sirius. I knew the Blacks were strict when it came to keeping their bloodline pure, but throwing out their own son?

“And the Potters have always been blood traitors. Potter’s father was an auror until the Dark Lord killed him six years ago. Didn’t get to him soon enough, in my opinion.” I stared at him wide eyed. He’d just spoken so easily of the murder of someone’s father.

Sirius may have judged me for attending a school where no muggleborns were allowed, but muggle hatred wasn’t near as rampant there. There was no need to think about things like that because we were already separated from them. We just focused on learning.

Of course there were a few crazies, every place had them, but we stuck to our own kind. No one worried about muggles or muggleborns.

“Right,” I said quietly, glancing at the clock over the magnificent fireplace. Time couldn’t pass quickly enough. Remus had been right about these three. It wasn’t the dark magic, but the almost militant way in which they spoke about their beliefs.

By the time I left it was nearing curfew and I had to hurry across the castle to get to Gryffindor tower before being caught by a particularly strict professor. I wasn’t going to break anymore rules if it killed me.

In the common room Remus was sitting on a chair near the entrance with a book perched in his lap, almost as if he’d been waiting for my return. The other Marauders were nowhere in sight which only furthered this idea.

He looked up at me and raised a single eyebrow.

“You were right,” I muttered, standing in the entrance. “It was a mistake.”

Someone pushed past me and I moved a little closer to him, close enough to see the flecks of amber in his eyes. I ducked away, embarrassed of someone else knowing how wrong I’d been, especially since he had warned me and I’d gone anyway.

“I won’t go again,” I said softly, glancing at me feet.

Remus nodded, but before he could say anything, if he even was going to say anything, I turned on my heel and left.

I paused at the first turn of the girls’ staircase where I was out of sight and frowned. Remus had waited up for me, or it seemed like he had. But why? What reason could he possibly have?

He’d said he was done, but clearly hadn’t meant it. If I wasn’t friends with Avery and that lot, should I go back to Remus? Could I?

I continued walking, even more confused than I had been before. Everything had seemed so much simpler at Durmstrang.


	9. They Know

I didn’t talk to Remus the next day. I saw him in class, meals, and the corridor, but he seemed to hardly notice my existence. He certainly wasn’t talking to me anymore.

Although after another week people seemed to have forgotten about me for the most part. It didn’t take long for the Hogwarts students to move on. The only ones who still seemed to hold a grudge were my housemates. Lily was still cold and polite, the Marauders hated me, and the others seemed to regard me with an air of fear.

None of the other girls I roomed with spoke to me. It made for awkward sleeping arrangements, but I had never spoken to them much to begin with. Mostly I missed Lily talking to me, and the Marauders.

As nerve wracking as I found every conversation, it was harder not to talk to anyone. I’d avoided Avery since that night in the Slytherin common room, but we didn’t have any classes together that I’d noticed and neither Mulciber nor Snape seemed too keen on making friends.

Even as the full moon drew nearer and I expected Remus to break the ice somehow he kept his distance.

It wasn’t until the morning we were supposed to go to the Hospital Wing that Remus acknowledged my existence. He was waiting for me when I got down the stairs in the morning before anyone else woke up.

“Hey,” he said casually, his bag in hand as he stood propped by the exit. “Ready?”

“Uh.” I stared at him in surprise. “Yeah, sure.” I hoisted my bag over one shoulder and followed him out of the Common Room. I expected the walk to be more of the same- the silent treatment from Remus, but instead he seemed almost chatty.

“Potions going any better?”

I shrugged. James and I were still not communicating and seemed to be getting worse, if that was even possible. Slughorn had taken to failing us at least every other class which meant there were currently two classes I wasn’t passing.

He chattered on and I gave him half responses. I was sure he was looking for something more, but I didn’t know what so not responding seemed safest.

Finally he stopped outside the Hospital Wing. “Look, Ana.” It was the first time someone had used just my first name in a while and I blinked at him. “What you did to Sirius- I kind of get it, okay? I mean I don’t, I can’t imagine using any kind of dangerous, dark magic, but you’re different. You were at Durmstrang and it was a mistake. You know it was a mistake.”

“So?” I didn’t see how knowing something I’d done was a mistake made it any better. I’d still cursed Sirius, sent him to the Hospital Wing. I was still serving detentions and failing Defense Against the Dark Arts because of it. Everyone still hated me.

“So that makes you different.”

I still didn’t understand and Remus sighed in frustration.

“Sirius, everyone, they all think you’re just like the Slytherins. Just like Avery and Mulciber because you used Dark magic. And I never thought you were, but it made sense. But the other night, you didn’t like being with them. And you feel guilty about what happened with Sirius.”

“So?” I asked again, still not understanding what he was getting at.

“You can’t be like them because they don’t care. You do. You’re like us.” Remus looked proud, like he was saying something spectacularly bright.

I only shook my head. “It’s not an ‘us and them’ kind of thing. This is life, not some fantasy book.”

“There’s always an us and them,” Remus argued. “Just because it changes between situations doesn’t mean it still doesn’t exist. People who use dark magic and people who don’t. You were raised to use it, but you’re not the same as the Death Eaters.”

I scowled at him, tired of the prejudice I was receiving from both sides of Hogwarts. At Durmstrang there was common ground, but here you had to be an extreme: death eater or blood traitor and muggle lover. My pick. Slytherin versus Gryffindor.

“Dark magic isn’t evil,” I snapped. “It’s the same as any other kind of magic. If you intend to use it to protect yourself, it can’t be evil.”

Before he could say anything in response I stalked into the Hospital Wing, my face flushed. Madam Pomfrey was already preparing my sludge potion and I resigned myself to my bed with a book on the theory of Defense spells. I’d already failed half the class, a little extra study on the rest couldn’t hurt.

Remus quieted down once we were in Madam Pomfrey’s presence and seemed to be deep in thought. I shook my head to myself behind the closed curtains. My ideas weren’t exactly new and certainly nothing I’d come up with myself. That was what was taught at Durmstrang.

No form of magic is inherently bad or evil; it’s all in the intent. It’s all in how you use it.

I acted poorly using it against Sirius, but I should have been practicing my curses somewhere. Perhaps I could speak to Wootin, get a few practice dummies in my spare time.

But no, he’d never consent to that kind of magic being performed at Hogwarts, even if it wasn’t on other students. I pushed the idea from my mind and focused on my book.

Defense Theory. My least favorite part of magic.

Brilliant.

 

I woke up the next in significant pain, although less so than the previous month. With every full moon my transformations seemed to get less painful, although that wasn’t saying much considering how close I came to dying the first few times.

I was told by the Healers it would settle down in six to twelve months, but not to get my hopes up on it being too bearable. That wasn’t something I needed to worry about. I could see Remus, who’d been a- beast for years now and he still looked awful the days before and after.

The curtains around my bed were closed as I recovered, but Remus’s were open and I could hear him talking to the other Marauders, it sounded like all of them were there.

“You know Durmstrang was out again today,” Sirius said. “Weird that is. Second time she’s been out for a few days since getting here for no reason.”

“Miss seeing her around?” Remus asked lightly. My stomach tightened. What if he noticed I was always gone on the full moon? It didn’t take a genius to put the math together and Sirius was no dunce.

“That ugly mug?” Sirius asked in horror.

The boys erupted with laughter and I hoped Remus wasn’t a part of it. I didn’t care too much what Sirius thought of my appearance as long as kept out of everything else, but it still stung.

I wondered if he’d say the same thing if he knew I was here listening. I rolled my eyes. Knowing Sirius, probably that and more.

“But don’t you think it’s strange that you and here are both out at the same time?” James asked, his tone a little hushed.

Remus laughed. “Coincidence. She’s probably been out loads of times and you just haven’t noticed. She gets homesick, I think. Something to do with seeing her parents last night.”

“Let’s hope she doesn’t come back,” Sirius snorted.

I nestled deeper into my sheets and pulled the covers over my head to muffle their conversation. I’d heard enough. If they were just going to stand there and insult me I didn’t want to hear it. And besides, Remus had made it clear he wasn’t going to stand up for me.

The boys left a little over an hour later, in an attempt to put an appearance in at all of their afternoon classes, although I knew for a fact they would only make the last five minutes of charms, if they bothered at all.

Madam Pomfrey opened the curtains from around my bed to change the bandages on my back. Of all the injuries I had every full moon, that one was the worst. It was the first one I’d received, from the wolf who bit me.

I had trouble thinking of him as a person like me who happened to become a monster once a month. To me he was just a monster. Nothing more.

Remus didn’t watch, but I could feel him waiting for Madam Pomfrey to finish. When she left, he turned to me. “Want one?” He offered a chocolate frog and I shook my head, nauseous still from the transformation. “Suit yourself.”

He ate quietly and licked his fingers to clean them of all chocolate. I wasn’t sure why he was talking to me, but my entire body lay tense against the sheets.

“So Ana, there’s something- I mean it’s important that we-” His eyes flickered to Madam Pomfrey who was across the room in her office and he sighed. “We probably shouldn’t talk about this here. It’s probably breaking half a dozen school rules at least.”

I gasped. “You’re a prefect!” I didn’t add the other part, but I didn’t have to. He knew what I would say. A monster, a freak. Cursed. Any of them worked. “You can’t break school rules.”

“We won’t get caught,” Remus said, looking a bit annoyed and distracted, as though he’d been here before and knew it would turn out fine. “Just when we leave tomorrow, I have to take you somewhere.”

“Take me somewhere?” I asked.

“To talk in private, where we won’t be overheard.” Madam Pomfrey bustled back in to the main portion of the Hospital Wing and Remus directed a meaningful gaze at her then back to me.

I caught his meaning. He didn’t Pomfrey overhearing, or likely anyone else either. “Okay,” I said hesitantly. It must have been important if he didn’t want me overhearing, but I couldn’t find myself worrying too much about it.

My body was beginning to hurt too much for my head to take and I was getting hazy from the pain. Madam Pomfrey gave me a potion for it and I found myself drifting in and out of consciousness, hardly aware of anything that was going on around me.

I caught the occasional word, a meaning or phrase here and there, but I mostly slept. The potion sent me into a dreamless sleep, much more relaxing than the terror filled nightmares I usually experienced at in my dreams.

It also helped the time pass quickly, although I was still a bit groggy when we were released the next day. Madam Pomfrey looked at me extra hard, but I smiled and convinced her I was fine.

And I was. There was limited pain and nothing unbearable. I just ached and felt groggy, probably the best I’d ever felt so soon after a transformation.

I loaded up on food in the Great Hall, having succumbed to the animal inside me demanding to be fed. The only thing I was relieved about was that it was so early no one could see me pigging out on everything in sight.

Remus had wanted to talk after getting out of the Hospital Wing, but I ditched him outside and took the long way to the Great Hall. He wouldn’t think to look for me there more than once and I had plenty of time to finish my food in peace.

Well, almost peace.

“Ana, fancy seeing you up and about at this early hour of the morning.” Avery’s cool and fancy speech washed over me and I stiffened. I’d been successfully avoiding him, but that only went so far. We went to the same boarding school, we were bound to run into each other sometimes, especially with him looking for me.

I pushed my plate away, aware that these weren’t the tiny ladylike portions I was supposed to enjoy. Not to mention I’d spent twenty minutes shoveling food into my mouth. My metabolism had shot to the roof and no matter what I ate I didn’t gain a pound.

“Avery,” I responded in his same cool and detached tone. “It’s a pleasure. Sit?”

He glanced disdainfully at the chair as though it was contaminated just by having been placed at the Gryffindor table. I wished to snap at him that he wouldn’t catch a disease, but I didn’t have the guts.

And I was glad I didn’t have the guts.

“I’ll stand,” he said and looked back at me. “It’s good to see that in the absence of proper companions you haven’t fallen back to those bloodtraitors.”

I shrugged, unwilling to say that was their call, not mine. I’d like to claim that I wouldn’t go running back to them if they decided they wanted to be friends again, but I knew that wasn’t the case. The Marauders just had an allure about them that couldn’t be denied.

“Well, we’d still like for you to join us more often. You have certain valuable insights that might be valuable in work such as ours.” Despite the vague reference, I knew he was talking about my training in dark magic at Durmstrang.

I wished people would stop going on about that. It wasn’t as though it was a school for dark magic, we learned other things. We learned potions and charms and transfiguration. It was a school, not a training ground.

It was the second part of his sentence that left me on edge. Work such as his, what exactly did that mean? The cause against muggles and muggleborns? Working for the Dark Lord directly? That seemed unlikely, but not altogether impossible.

I smiled at him, knowing his parents most likely knew my own. We may not have been one of the old and noble pureblood families, but we did have our connections.

It was how I wound up having to choke down an experimental potion one day a month.

“I’d like that, Avery,” I said coolly.

He nodded and glanced down the mostly empty Gryffindor table, sneering at the few students who had managed to wake up early. “Well, if you ever need a seat away from this filth,” he spat the word. “You’re always welcome at Slytherin. You wouldn’t be the first Gryffindor refugee we’ve taken in.”

I didn’t pause to wonder what this meant, but nodded. “I’ll take you up on that.”

He left and I let out a long breath. Our conversations were so stilted and forcibly polite. That was what happened when you trained your kids too hard at manners when they were young. Once they became a teenager it made social interactions awkward for everyone involved.

It was one of the many things I liked about spending time with the Marauders. They didn’t care if they were polite or too blunt, they just said what was on their mind. Or at least James and Sirius did. Remus was more reserved like me and I couldn’t quite put a finger on Peter.

 

I managed to avoid Remus until Charms class which was right before lunch and a most inconvenient time to run into him again. He smiled at me from across the room the moment I walked in and I felt trapped, claustrophobic although I’d never had that fear before.

The class sped along and it seemed no matter how much I stared at the clock it wouldn’t stop or even slow.

Remus was by my side the moment class ended, hardly giving me a chance to stand up. I didn’t have a shot at escaping.

“You left in a hurry this morning, we didn’t get a chance to talk,” he said, waiting patiently for me to finish packing my schoolbag.

“Sorry,” I said. “I must have forgotten.”

I knew he didn’t believe me and he knew that I knew, but neither of us called me out on it. Instead we stood in an awkward silence in the emptying charms classroom. “Er ought we get lunch?” I asked hesitantly.

Remus shook his head and grabbed my arm. Before I could stop myself I flinched hard and he dropped it, looking as though I’d burned him. I opened my mouth to apologize once more, but he cut me off.

“There’s a place we can go to get lunch alone. It’s a Marauder’s secret. Come on, I’ll show you.” I nodded and followed him through the corridors, noting that this time he was careful to keep at least a foot of space between us at all times.

I felt like some sort of pariah. I knew it was my own fault, after all I had been the one to flinch, but it was an accident. An involuntary reflex I’d had since the attack. I couldn’t stand people touching me when I didn’t expect it, even my parents.

He reached out to a painting of a fruit bowl and rubbed his fingers along the outline of a pear. It took me a moment to realize what he was doing- he was tickling it! It seemed the surprises of Hogwarts never stopped coming.

At Durmstrang we had normal things like doorknobs and staircases that remained where they were supposed to. People knew better than to do anything in dormitories they weren’t supposed to be in so we had no passwords.

But Hogwarts had all of these strange things and it seemed I was only just beginning to learn the basics, even though it was nearly November.

The portrait swung open and a great room appeared below us. It was the kitchens, and a magnificent kitchens at that. Hundreds of small House Elves scurried about getting lunch ready on plates to appear in the Great Hall for all the students.

I’d never been in the kitchens at Durmstrang so I didn’t know how they compared, but they couldn’t be nearly this large.

“Nice, huh?” Remus asked with a smile, obviously amused at my disbelief.

I was speechless, not that it was a new state of being for my. “Wow.”

“Come on.” Remus gestured and led me down some narrow steps to the floor where all the House Elves worked.

We waited for a moment at the bottom and I raised an eyebrow at Remus. “Wha-” I began, but a House Elf immediately raced over to us.

“Hullo young master and young miss, can Tweedle be of help to you?” The House Elf stared at us with large brown eyes and a calm smile on her face.

“Just whatever’s being served for lunch on a plate,” Remus said and glanced at me.

I realized I was supposed to request something and stumbled over my words. “Oh er- the same, thanks.” I knew I wasn’t supposed to thank a House Elf, I had one at home after all, but the situation seemed so awkward that I had to say something.

The House Elf brought us our food and showed us to a series of small tables in the back. I couldn’t help but wonder how many Hogwarts students came down here, how many even knew it existed. There was no official tour of Hogwarts, no mention of tickling peaches.

“We discovered this place our second year,” Remus said, looking around with a smile. “James and Sirius got bored easily so we did a lot of, I guess you could call it exploring. We found loads of secret passages too.”

James and Sirius definitely seemed the type to do something like that.

I barely picked at my food despite my hunger. I was comfortable and it was difficult to eat in uncomfortable situations. Part of me wanted Remus to get it over with, rip off the Spello Tape so to say, but mostly I was okay if we never got around to talking about the serious issue, or whatever it was.

He finished before I did and finally I let the House Elf take my nearly full plate away, apologizing the whole way for it not being what I wanted since most of it had been left behind.

When the House Elves were gone, Remus turned back to me. Suddenly with all of our distractions gone I felt butterflies in my stomach. Were I anyone else in any other life, this would be considered a date.

I didn’t want to date Remus, not even close, but it was still a shocking realization. I’d never had a serious boyfriend before as Durmstrang discouraged that type of thing, but we all had flings and there had been one or two boys before.

It was just strange to be in such a date like situation.

“Ana,” he said seriously. “There’s something I didn’t tell you- about my friends.”

My stomach sank. Maybe they were bent on figuring out my secret, maybe they were going to prank me or get me expelled. James was the Head Boy, he wouldn’t be involved in any of that, but wouldn’t he?

I didn’t realize I was breathing heavily until Remus looked at me with concern. “Are you okay? Can you hold it together?”

I blushed a deep crimson and nodded, taking a steady deep breath and focusing on the in and out. Remus had been nice these past few days, even if we weren’t what anyone could really call friends.

“It’s just, I’ve been here for nearly seven years now. And I’ve been sleeping in the same room as my three best mates for that long. Peter may be a bit daft at times, but James and Sirius aren’t.” He paused and looked at me and I wondered if I was supposed to be making an intuitive leap.

I couldn’t think of anything. I knew very well that James and Sirius weren’t stupid. They both excelled in all their classes, they both knew enough to orchestrate elaborate pranks.

“I disappeared once a month, every month, around the time of the full moon,” Remus said slowly, as though trying to spoon feed me the information. “They know.”

“They know?” I repeated. That couldn’t mean what I thought it did. They were his friends, they spent time with him. If they knew about his transformations they’d abandon him and tell the whole school. He wouldn’t still be here if they’d found out.

“Know that I’m a werewolf,” Remus said.

I flinched at the word. In the months since I’d been bitted I’d not once used it. The Healers used lycanthropy and my parents danced around the subject trying to say as little as possible so I’d really only heard it a handful of times.

Coming from Remus it felt too real. That word made it all too real.

“But- but how? They still-” I stuttered through my words, trying to find a coherent thought.

There wasn’t one.

“They don’t care,” Remus said with a shrug. “I thought they’d go to their parents and have me expelled, or at the very least refuse to sleep in the same room with a monster.” He colored at the word. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply- I’m just used to being the only one-”

He stopped and looked down. Neither of us were very good at this.

I still couldn’t believe that the Marauders all knew Remus’s secret and stuck around. They didn’t care. There were wizards and witches who didn’t care?

The information was too much to process.

I wanted to run, leave, go study something safe in the library until I calmed down, but Remus stopped me. “There’s more.”

“More?” How could there be more? The Marauders knew he was a- They knew about him. Wasn’t that enough?

“It’s just, my friends are clever. Really clever.” He tugged on his robes awkwardly and scratched his neck. “They’ll notice you.”

“Me?” My heart raced.

“That you’re missing class the same time I am. That you disappear.” He stared at me with steady hazel eyes. “They’ll put the pieces together, Ana. They’re going to find out.”

No.

No no no.

They couldn’t. No one was supposed to know, ever.

“Ana-” Remus’s voice sounded far away in my ears and my vision tunneled.

I couldn’t stay. The Marauders hated me. They’d tell the whole school and nothing Dumbeldore could do would stop me from being expelled. Nobody wanted a monster going to school with their children.

No one wanted a werewolf near their children.

Oh Merlin, everyone was going to know.

And I couldn’t do anything to stop it.


	10. Warning

I wasn’t conscious of running away from Remus and out of the kitchens. I didn’t even remember leaving the castle. It was dark by the time I started to think rationally again.

I was huddled against the base of a large tree on the far side of the lake. It wasn’t opposite the castle, but it was further down than most students went. It was probably off Hogwarts grounds, but I didn’t care.

My time at Hogwarts was running out anyway. I couldn’t stay at a school where people knew. Durmstrang wouldn’t have me at all and Hogwarts only under the condition that I kept everything a secret.

Well that secret was about to be let out of the bag. I only hoped none of this would blowback on Remus or Dumbledore. They’d both been so kind for the past two months despite the fact that I never returned any of it.

The cool October wind had chilled me to the bone and I shivered, drawing my knees in even closer. I was cold, but that didn’t matter. I was tired, but that didn’t matter either. Nothing mattered. I could stay out here for as long as I wanted and no one would come searching for me.

I stayed out for an hour or two longer, I wasn’t sure of the exact time. I didn’t care. I wanted to be cold and tired and feel awful. I wanted to punish myself for all of this, for being bitten and getting expelled from Durmstrang, for letting my secret get out at Hogwarts and my inevitable expulsion.

I’d been a good student. I never thought I’d get expelled from one school, let alone two in the same six months. My life had fallen apart and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

No amount of studying would matter. I could get a dozen NEWTs and still no one would hire me. Because I was disgusting. I was a monster.

A werewolf.

Now that I could use that word I punished myself with it constantly.

Werewolf. A filthy disgusting halfbreed monster, that’s what I was. That’s what everyone was going. That was what the Healers believed. Maybe even my parents too.

At some point I managed to pick myself off the ground and start making rational decisions. I needed to let my parents know I’d be returning home soon, preferably within the week. A few days if possible.

I needed to owl them, but it was after curfew surely. I couldn’t just go meandering around the school whenever I liked.

But I could. What was the worst they could do? Expel me? That was already going to happen. I was done for.

In any case, I could wait until morning to owl my parents. They wouldn’t receive it until then anyway and a middle of the night owl would only freak them out more. I needed to calmly and rationally tell them that their daughter was being expelled from yet another school.

That really wasn’t going to go well.

I couldn’t go back to my dormitory, not with Remus there. Not with the Marauders there. They could already know and have started spreading it around the school.

I couldn’t sleep in my own bed.

The only other place I could think of was the Hospital Wing so I stumbled along the corridors until I reached it. I was numb and shaking violently and the scar on my back had opened slightly and blood oozed through my robes.

I half fell when I opened the door and Madam Pomfrey started when she saw me. “Miss Haugen! What- You’re frozen to the bone!”

She ushered me over to a bed and pulled off my cold robes, heating a blanket to wrap around me.

I fell asleep nearly the moment my head touched the pillow.

 

When I woke up that morning I was confused by the bright lights. It took a moment for the previous day to come back to me and I sank against the pillows. My entire body ached more than it usually did three full days after the full moon and there was a dull pain in my back that was difficult to ignore.

Madam Pomfrey bustled out and fixed with a sharp glare. “What in Merlin’s name were you doing last night?” She demanded, fixing me a tray of several different colored potions.

I didn’t trust any of her concoctions, but they had to be better than the grey sludge the day of the full moon.

I shrugged, not bothering to respond. It didn’t matter if I was polite anymore. I was on borrowed time. I just needed to get out.

“It was my fault,” a breathless voice claimed. I glanced up and stared at Remus in shock. He stood in the entrance, sweat gleaming on his forehead and upper lip and panting so hard he could barely speak. “We were- were walking. Last night. And got separated and- I thought Ana had just come back a different way, but she got lost and I’m so sorry.”

Madam Pomfrey raised an eyebrow at his long speech and looked at me. “Well you’re very lucky you didn’t have to spend the night out there,” she said dryly. “Although as both of you are of age you should have a bit more sense than that.”

Remus nodded and looked at me out of the corner of his eye.

I glanced away.

Why was he covering for me? No one had asked him to and he didn’t owe me anything. I just wanted him and all his friends to leave me alone until I could get away from this castle and go back to living with my parents.

When Madam Pomfrey went into the backroom Remus started talking in a whisper. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I didn’t mean to freak you out, I should have found a better way to word it. My friends won’t tell anyone. I just- I thought you should know so they don’t take you by surprise one day.”

I refused to meet his eyes and Remus laid his hand on the bed beside mine. “I promise. I swear on my life that my friends won’t tell anyone.”

At first I remained still, but then I jerked my head up and down. We sat in silence for a minute longer before I managed, “But they hate me. Why would they keep my secret?”

Remus stared at me. “Because they’re not Mulciber or Avery or Snape. They wouldn’t take pleasure in ruining your life. At the worst they’ll keep ignoring you. At best-” He shrugged. “Maybe they’ll learn something more about who you really are. I dunno. But your secret’s safe.”

I still didn’t believe him, didn’t trust his friends. After all, they did hate me and they had no reason to want me around. Sirius in particular could hold a mean grudge and all it would take was one little whisper to the right person and it’d be all over the school.

Something told me Sirius knew several people who would be right for the job.

 

Remus invited me to lunch with his friends when I got out of the Hospital Wing.

I declined.

He issued invitations to dinner, breakfast the next morning, even to another Quidditch practice, but I declined them all. I wanted to stay as far away from the Marauders as possible.

We weren’t punished for our late night “walk”, but I wasn’t concerned with that. I had finished my detentions for cursing Sirius and if I got anymore for something like being out after curfew it wouldn’t be too problematic.

I was more concerned with waiting for the other shoe to drop. Remus had said his friends were clever and I didn’t know why I hadn’t realized that before. The full moon worked like clockwork. All it took was someone noticing that I disappeared around the same time every month and then checking just a few things.

It was obvious. Remus’s friends had figured it out when they were thirteen, it’d be even more obvious with me since they already knew when the full moon was and when Remus was gone.

Merlin, I was a little surprised they hadn’t noticed already, though glad.

I kept thinking that maybe if I kept away from them they wouldn’t notice or it would take them longer than the eight months I had left at Hogwarts, but I knew that was fruitless. I had class with them and they especially would notice that I wasn’t there the exact days Remus wasn’t.

How had Dumbledore thought this would work? He had to have known some students would find out, especially if they already knew about Remus.

Finally, on the night of the Halloween feast, Remus corner me outside the Great Hall. “You’re avoiding me,” he accused.

I looked at him in surprise. I’d thought that much was obvious. Why he thought I’d want to spend more time around his friends, who still hated me, so they could discover my darkest secret, I don’t know.

“It’s self preservation,” I muttered. “Let me by.”

“Not until you talk to me.”

I sighed and turned to meet his eyes. They had softened from our previous conversation and I found myself unable to hold them. I stared just past his face at the stone wall instead. “What?”

“Why won’t you sit with us?” He asked.

“Because I don’t want the entire school knowing that-” I stopped. I hadn’t actually planned on finishing the sentence, but Remus knew where I was going.

“Trust me, everything will be fine. It’ll be especially fine if you come sit with us and try to make nice with them.” I rolled my eyes. There was no need for Remus to talk to me like I was a small child. I understood what he was saying, I just thought it was wrong.

“Why should I trust you?” I demanded. “I don’t know you, we’re not even friends.”

“Because I know you,” he said slowly. “Because I’m the only other person you’ve met who can understand what you’re going through. Because it’s either me or no one, and trusting no one isn’t a life at all. Do you need anymore?”

I bit my lip. Everything he said was true, too true. I needed him. I needed him more than I needed anyone before, just to know that someone else had gone through this too. Someone else knew what I felt.

So in spite of everything else, I found myself nodding. Remus was right, he was the only person I could trust.

When he sat down at the table, I stood awkwardly for a moment, waiting for an invitation. I wasn’t just going to sit with the other three Marauders glaring at me.

Remus frowned at them. “Ana, sit.” He said.

I stilled waited for a cue from one of the others. He was outnumbered and it was clear James and Sirius were the unofficial leaders. What they said went, not Remus.

“What the hell is she doing over here?” Sirius snapped. His eyes flashed and I saw his hand move across his lap to grab his wand.

“I invited her,” Remus said. He was clear, but quiet. In his tone was authority that I’d never heard him use before, even on his prefect duties. “Ana is my friend and I want her to sit with us. Is there a problem with that?”

The way the question was directed allowed for only one answer, but I still held my breath. Sirius seemed contrary enough, or at least seemed to hate me enough that he would say no.

Instead James spoke. “Your friends are our friends, you know that.” He eyed me with caution and distrust despite his words, not that I could blame it.

I finally took my seat beside Remus. Peter was on his other side and James and Sirius sat across from them so I faced an empty seat. It was better that way. The less direct eye contact with James and Sirius the better.

“I’m not staying here,” Sirius snapped.

“Padfoot,” James said, his voice a low warning.

“No! She tried to kill me, does that mean nothing to you?”

“Just sit,” James replied, sounding tired.

“Last time I checked I didn’t need your permission to sit somewhere else.” He stood and moved quickly down the Gryffindor table to sit with a few giggly sixth year girls and their male counterparts who seemed more than pleased to have such a popular seventh year joining them.

Sirius shot a dirty look my way before turning his back and completely ignoring us.

James sighed. “That could have gone better.”

“It was his choice to leave,” Remus commented softly. “No one forced him.”

“But you know she cursed him! He’s still got pains in his shoulder from that, by the way,” James told me. “Next time you ought to think twice before you use dark magic on someone in practice duel- or ever!”

I remembered what Avery had said about his father suddenly- that he’d been killed by Voldemort six years ago. It would have been James’s first year at Hogwarts, just a kid.

No wonder he hated dark magic so much.

And Sirius? He’d been disowned by his family for sticking up for what he believed in. They both had their reasons.

And I had mine. But maybe we could find some common ground, some that started with me apologizing yet again for what had happened. Or more precisely, what I had done.

“I’m sorry, I never should have used that spell,” I said as sincerely as I could. I did mean it. That curse had been an awful idea and had I been thinking straight I wouldn’t have used it at all.

“You’re damn right you shouldn’t have.” James scowled at me. “That curse can kill. Does that mean anything to you? A simple apology isn’t going to get you off the hook.”

I could explain again that I’d used a buffered version of the curse, and specifically aimed for his wand arm instead of his heart, but that wouldn’t help. For now I needed to stick to what James wanted to hear. Defending myself wouldn’t help my case.

“I’m sorry.”

James nodded, still looking less than satisfied, but at least the murderous glare was gone from his eyes.

“Remus told us he’d spoken to you,” Peter spoke up suddenly. “About dark magic.”

So that had been why James calmed down so quickly. Remus had talked to him on my behalf. I glanced up at him shyly, then ducked my head, too embarrassed to show him any thanks.

“What was Durmstrang like?” Peter asked. “It sounds different from Hogwarts- a lot different.”

I nodded. That was one thing the Marauders had right. Durmstrang and Hogwarts were both castles and wizarding schools, but that was about where the similarities ended. I didn’t know how to explain it to the boys. They were already so set that Hogwarts was better, and who was to say they were wrong?

“It was- home,” I finally managed. And that was true. Durmstrang had been nothing more and nothing less than my home for six years.

Hogwarts would never quite be that for me.

 

The three Marauders and I split ways after the feast as I wanted to stop by the library for a book on Transfiguration to catch me up on what I’d missed in class. I was halfway down a corridor when an unseen force slammed me up against the wall.

My back exploded in pain and I crumpled to the ground. It took me a moment to control myself enough to see Sirius standing a few feet away from me, his wand out. Mine was in my pocket, but I wouldn’t pull it out anyway. Sirius was a quick dueler and would be impossible to beat with the wand tucked away.

Besides, attacking him would hurt my case with the whole school, including Remus, James, and Peter.

Instead I leaned back against the wall, trying to push the pressure from my head and rid my vision of spots.

Sirius sneered at me. “I don’t know what you did to Remus to make him think you’re some sweet little goody two shoes, but I don’t let people mess with my friends, particularly people like you.”

I stared up at him in silence. I didn’t actually believe Sirius would physically harm me. He didn’t know my back was scarred from the attack and every full moon since. On a normal person that hit would have merely left them bruised and sore the next day.

“You may have fooled him, Durmstrang, but you haven’t fooled me. You’re just like the lot of them, just like my family. Just like Avery and Mulciber and Snivellus. Give it two years and you’ll be a Death Eater too, just you watch.”

Sirius took a step closer and brandished his wand in my face. “And if you hurt any of my friends, I will personally make sure you don’t make it to your Dark Lord alive, is that clear?”

I didn’t nod or shake my head, give him any sign of submission. Instead I stared him straight in the eyes, a feat easier with him than Remus for some reason.

“Is that clear, Durmstrang?” He repeated.

I still didn’t stand, but this time I opened my mouth. “The only one confused here is you. I’m no Death Eater and Remus isn’t fooled by my lies.”

Sirius snorted and dropped his wand to his side. Had I been in serious danger, this would have been the moment to pull out my wand and curse him.

But I left my wand where it was and watch him walk away from me down the corridor.


	11. Lily's Concern

I didn’t tell Remus about my confrontation with Sirius on Halloween. I knew it would only upset him and do no good. I wanted to get into Sirius’s good graces at some point, although that was seeming less and less likely as the days passed.

With November though came the first Quidditch match of the season. James’s Gryffindor team was playing Hufflepuff, which he thought would be easy. “A piece of cake” were his exact words, if I remembered right.

I liked watching Quidditch as much as any witch and was looking forward to the match for more reasons than one. Sirius had agreed to sit through the game with me, although he was unhappy about it.

Remus had confided in me a few days before the match that he thought the only reason Sirius had agreed was to get away from the giggling six year Gryffindor girls. Apparently their allure had lessened over the two weeks since Sirius had spent much time with his friends.

It wasn’t just me he was angry at, though. Even when I was on my own for meals he refused to sit with his friends, even shooting them the occasional dirty look.

Which was why the Quidditch game was such a big deal. There was no James to buffer, just me, Remus, Peter, and Sirius and I was sure Peter would be so focused on the game he wouldn’t notice if the Dark Lord himself flew into the stadium. He was a Quidditch nut if there ever was one.

I met the three boys at the Quidditch pitch and we took seats in the stands together, Sirius sitting as far from me as he could. Peter kept his eyes on the pitch for the first sight of James’s Gryffindor team and I glanced at Remus nervously.

“So er- big game,” Remus said, attempting small talk.

Sirius scoffed at the attempt and, like Peter, looked at the pitch just in time to see James and his fellow maroon clad players walk out. The stadium erupted in cheers of a deafening volume.

The game began and the four of us watched in silence. The Hufflepuff team didn’t seem particularly dirty, although James’s looked like they were used to playing rough. His chasers and seeker were small and wiry, but the keeper whose name I forgot and the two beaters were all in the middle of the action.

Even a bludger to the gut couldn’t keep the Gryffindor keeper from circling his hoops.

At one point James flew a loop de loop around the two Hufflepuff beaters that left them so confused they used their bats on each until one sported a bloody nose.

“Atta’ boy,” Sirius said quietly, a wide grin on his face.

It was the first time I’d seen him smile since Halloween, although when he saw me looking at him he immediately replaced it with a ferocious scowl.

The rest of the game went like that and ended in a slightly banal catching of the snitch by Gryffindor’s seeker, putting them ahead by more than four hundred points.

The game had been more than a little one sided, to say the least.

Still, there was a party in the Gryffindor common room after and Remus went out of his way to invite me. He was laughing with his friends in the center of the room so I mostly drifted around the edges by the walls, not wanting to interrupt or bother anyone.

I did see Lily a few times shooting me curious glances, although whenever I looked over she always glanced back down at her butterbeer that the Marauders had somehow managed to procure.

It wasn’t until nearly midnight that she approached me. “Hi,” she said. It wasn’t as cold as she’d been the past month, but she always wasn’t smiling. I didn’t know what to make of it.

“Hi,” I said back.

We stood there watching the room and Lily remarked, “Parties aren’t really my thing.”

“Mine either.”

She looked at me. “I could have guessed that. Head Girl duties though, I should make sure it doesn’t get too out of hand.” I nodded and she added, “And James wanted me to come, although he’s ignored me most of the night.”

I glanced over at the Quidditch captain who was laughing in a circle of his teammates and friends. “So are you and he-?” Before things had gone wrong I remember he mentioned some sort of a Hogsmeade date with Lily that had been exciting to him at the time.

“Friends,” Lily supplied, smiling. “Just friends. He’s trying to be more mature, a better Head Boy, but we’re not ready to take the next step yet. I don’t know if we’ll ever be ready to take the next step, in all honesty.”

I nodded. I could see what she meant. James may have been accepting his responsibilities as Head Boy and acting like an adult on some occasions, but he still adored every second of attention he received, particularly from the Gryffindor girls.

He may have had eyes for only Lily, he didn’t seem to mind that other girls had eyes for him.

Lily sighed and looked over at me with a smile. “But it’s Potter, you know? What did I expect? He and his friends are like some feckless, overgrown children.” Lily’s voice was tight and she sounded almost a little hurt, but her smile masked everything.

“I’m sorry, this wasn’t why I came over here to talk to you. Potter’s his own person, he can and will do whatever he wants.” Lily put down her butterbeer and drew me further from the crowd so we could have a bit more space.

Lily took a deep breath, as though the extra oxygen would make her mini speech any easier. I knew from experience it didn’t. “Everything that happened with you and Sirius last month, I think I may have overreacted freezing you out.”

I stared at her. She’d had the least reaction of anyone who knew me. She’d never shunned me, or acted as though I was a mass murderer ready to go off on a killing spree at any moment. Lily had just been coldly polite and aloof.

It wasn’t the friendship I wanted from her, but she’d never been outright mean, like the Marauders or my roommates, like Maggie and Paige who regarded me with nothing short of terror.

“But Dark Magic isn’t safe, you know? And it’s so- wrong! Or the people who use it are, if you use it on people it’s wrong.” Lily was getting slightly red in the face as she tried to explain herself. “What I mean to say is that, I won’t apologize, but I’d like for us to be friends.”

It was such a formal request that I was taken aback for a moment. Was Lily Evans sure she hadn’t been raised in a pureblood household with pureblood manners? Maybe she and Sirius had been switched at birth, she seemed to have all the manners he was lacking.

“I would like that too, I think,” I said with a small smile toward Lily.

She tried to smile, but it mostly failed and flattened on her face. “I had a best friend once, from before Hogwarts. We grew up together and he was sweet and kind, the one who first showed me my magic.” Lily stopped and looked down, as though telling this story was hard for her. “He grew up in a wizarding family and I didn’t, but that didn’t matter when we were eight.

“We came to Hogwarts together for our first year, but I was Sorted here and he wound up in Slytherin. We stayed best friends for a few years, but he got sucked in by the idea blood purity and dark magic. He couldn’t ever get out.”

Lily took a shaky breath and for the first time I noticed she was close to tears. “Dark magic pulls you in, twists you until you’re so deep and confused that you don’t know which way is up and where the right path is. It doesn’t let you go. You understand?”

I nodded, although Lily and I appeared to have very different philosophies on dark magic. I don’t think it’s the magic itself that’s wrong, but the people who use it. Dark magic can be used for good, just like anything else. But I appreciated her story, her attempt to help.

“I don’t want to see you end up the way Sev did,” she said sadly.

I blinked at her. The name rang a bell. “Severus Snape?” I asked, to make sure I had the right one.

Lily nodded.

That explained more things than it didn’t, why Snape was in some of her classes, why he tried to talk to her when she clearly didn’t want to. He wasn’t threatening her, he was trying to mend bridges.

Although perhaps certain bridges were never meant to be rebuilt.

“It’s getting a bit late for me,” Lily said, although it was hardly past midnight on a Saturday and I’d seen her much later studying or working on assignments. “Breakfast in the morning?” She asked.

“Sure.”

Without a word to James or anyone else at the party she disappeared up the girls’ staircase. Having lost the only other person there as out of place as me, I continued my awkward stance in the corner.

It struck me that in all the weeks of not speaking to Lily, I’d never seen her spend time with anyone else. Sure she tutored and dealt with the prefects and James as Head Boy, but outside of that she didn’t seem to have many friends.

Or any friends.

That explained why she was so awkward talking to me and initiating a friendship. Although she seemed rather well liked by people in general they weren’t her friends. Maybe Snape really had been her only friend.

“I would think someone like you would deign to spend your time with a muggleborn,” Sirius said softly from behind me.

I’d heard someone standing there with my better hearing, but I was surprised to learn it was him.

For someone who hated judgmental purebloods, he talked a lot about people “like me”. It seemed rather hypocritical, although I didn’t say so aloud. “Am I not allowed to have friends?” I asked blandly.

Sirius scoffed, but he didn’t appear to have a good answer to that. “I’m keeping my eye on you, Durmstrang. One wrong move and Remus is off your side, got it?”

I turned away from him to survey the rest of the party which seemed to be winding down. It hadn’t been a big win over Hufflepuff and it appeared most of the Gryffindors knew that.

I waited until Sirius was back with his group of friends before allowing myself to visibly shudder. I didn’t want him to know how much he bothered me. This was the bloke who Remus said could be trusted with my worst secret.

I wasn’t too sure Remus was right on that count. Sirius hated me and as far as I could tell he’d do anything to get me expelled.

 

In the days after the Quidditch match things began to look up. For one Lily was speaking to me again. She could be annoying at times, but I enjoyed her company and more often than not she inadvertently helped me with my schoolwork, just by pointing out things she noticed before I even had a chance to review them.

She’d even spoken to James about the curse I used on Sirius, explained how it hadn’t actually been threatening his life. It was what I had wanted to tell people- that with the basic shield charm, my weak delivery, and the hit to his shoulder it wouldn’t have done any permanent damage.

James still seemed annoyed and potions was still my worst class, but we were beginning to pass a few of the classes again. And we actually spoke while we were brewing.

He even cracked the occasional joke, although it was clear he wasn’t nearly as relaxed around me as he had been at the beginning of the year. In cursing Sirius I had proved all of their assumptions right.

The only person who didn’t seem to be mellowing to my presence was Sirius himself who still complained when I ate meals with them, which wasn’t more than a couple times a week as I usually ate with Lily.

I didn’t know what I could do to get him on my side, but Remus kept telling me time would help. Time and space. I didn’t think time and space would work with Sirius. He was very capable of holding a grudge and I thought it best to keep out of the way, but he was Remus’s friend.

Instead I worried and panicked over what would happen if and when the Marauders discovered what I was. Remus seemed sure that they would and it made sense, I just didn’t want to believe it.

I hardly knew them. They seemed nice enough, except for Sirius, and they all kept Remus’s secret, but they’d known Remus for three years when they found out. They already knew him.

All they knew about me was that I was from a school they hated, stood for everything they were against, and had cursed one of their best friends and sent him to the Hospital Wing.

I couldn’t see any reason why they wouldn’t tell the rest of the school, even if they weren’t as anti werewolf as most of the wizarding world. They were just anti me.

Thoughts like these kept me awake at night and I started having to apply makeup under my eyes to keep the bags from being too visible. I didn’t do this so much to look better, but to soothe Lily’s worries.

That night I tossed and turned in my bed, thinking of the full moon that was only a week away. That would be my third full moon at Hogwarts. And with every day that grew nearer the likelihood that someone, namely a marauder, would discover my secret also grew.

I closed my eyes and tried to force sleep, but vivid images kept surfacing in my mind; blood, a dark massive shape that moved in the night, a high pitched scream over the next hill.

I rolled over on my side and pulled the pillow over my face. Those weren’t just any images, but memories from the night I was bitten. I didn’t want to think about that just now. I had too many other things on my mind.

The only good thing about fretting and worrying so much over the upcoming full moon was that I actually made myself physically ill. Two nights before I was puking my guts up in the shared bathroom while Lily hovered just outside with an air of anxiety over her.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” She asked worriedly. Lily was one of the biggest worrywarts I’d ever met, constantly concerned that a smudge on her essay would drop her a letter grade or that if I bumped my head I’d wind up with a concussion.

She was a perfectionist who panicked whenever things didn’t go exactly according to plan, which was pretty much always.

“Ana?” She knocked on the door again as I wiped the bile from my mouth. “Do you need to go see Madam Pomfrey? I’m sure she’d fix you up in a jiffy.”

I glanced at my reflection in the mirror and realized how scarily pale I was, sickly pale. No matter how much makeup I used the shadows under my eyes still showed through and my eyes were dull, having lost their gleam.

I looked really ill. If I wasn’t careful I was going to have a reputation as the sickest girl at Hogwarts, although that particular rumor could only really help me.

I stumbled out of the bathroom and Lily put her arms around me, ignoring the possibilities of passing on any germs. She was planning to be a Healer after all, I assumed that kind of thing didn’t bother her the way it did Maggie and the others.

“I don’t think I should stay here tonight,” I rasped, my throat sore from all the throwing up I’d been doing that afternoon. I didn’t have to be at Madam Pomfrey’s until morning, but I really was ill.

It would be more suspicious to wait until morning than to just go now. And I think my roommates were considering staging a coup against Lily to have me kicked out. Not only was I the terrifying girl who knew murderous curses, but I also came down with all sorts of sicknesses that were probably contagious.

I’m sure they all thought I was going to kill them some way or another.

Lily and I headed down to the Hospital Wing together and Madam Pomfrey signed when she saw me. “Again, Miss Haugen? Would you like a temporary bed down? It would save you the trouble of walking down all the time.”

Lily smiled at her joke, but I felt too awful to care. What had started as mere stress may have turned into a real illness and I dropped myself onto the bed as Lily began rattling off symptoms and possible cures to Madam Pomfrey who listened with disinterest.

I sank against the soft bed and my last conscious thought was the irony that the only place I seemed able to get a good night’s sleep was the hospital wing.


	12. Sick with Worry

The next day Remus seemed concerned about me. He asked all kinds of questions about why I’d come in early the night before and if Lily suspected anything. I gave him vague answers and let him stew in annoyance.

I was feeling rather vindictive for his friends possible finding out my secret, although vindictive didn’t begin to cover it. Mostly I was just terrified.

The day went by as normal and I was forced to drink the horrid grey sludge. I promised myself that over Christmas break if I did nothing else I would make sure my parents got some for Remus too. I wasn’t convinced they really helped anything, but he could at least suffer along with me.

The worst was that combined with the stress I threw up from the potions twice until Madam Pomfrey decided to let me have the day off.

“No sense in you wasting a limited supply if you’re just going to expel it again,” she said in a huff, taking away the sludge.

The taste didn’t burn my tongue, although that would have been preferable. At least then it would go away. I hadn’t known before that anything could make vomit taste worse than it already did.

Remus looked on in concern as I hurled my guts up once more in the basin that Madam Pomfrey had left. I was sure it wasn’t an attractive sight, but I was too ill to care.

“Take a picture,” I spat out after wiping off my mouth and swishing out some of the excess with water. “Then you could watch it forever.”

He blinked and looked away. “Sorry.”

I bit my lip. There was no reason to bite his head off for simply existing. “No, ignore me. I’m sorry.”

“I think there’s something morally objectionable about making someone as sick as you apologize for being snappy,” Remus said with sheepish grin.

I turned a dark red and vanished everything out of the basin with a swish of my wand. One of the good about being of age was that I didn’t have to wait for someone to do that for me- or even worse, do it the muggle way. 

Madam Pomfrey returned after a few minutes with a pale red potion that shimmered under the light. “Take this, it will help with the vomiting.”

I sniffed it cautiously and it smelled like a strong peppermint, nothing too dangerous about that. I downed it in one gulp and it helped clear both the taste of the puke and the sludge potion from my mouth. “Why didn’t you give me this earlier?” I asked, almost disappointed that there wasn’t anymore. Nothing else had made the taste of my monthly potion go away so quick. 

Madam Pomfrey’s eyebrows drew together. “If I could give you something to make the other potion go down easier, I would Miss Haugen. But it is an experimental potion and we are as of yet unaware the effects it has when combined with certain ingredients.”

I thought back to potions class, how adding an extra ingredient or even just too much could have horrific results- explosions, acidic tendencies, the table that James and I destroyed. I shuddered. I wasn’t a Healer, but if something could melt right through a table it could probably melt right through me.

“But I already had some of the sludge,” I said.

“Sludge?” Madam Pomfrey asked looking stern.

“Er-” I’d forgotten that it wasn’t actually called sludge, I only used that in my head. “The experimental potion, I meant. I already had some earlier.”

“Miss Haugen, I personally have witnessed you expel every bit from your system. There is no more ‘sludge’ as you put it in your body than there was last night. The peppermint should help you feel better, settle your stomach.” I nodded as she went back to other patients in separate wards.

Remus laughed at me and I scowled, albeit good naturedly. She was right about one thing, the peppermint potion made me feel like a person again. I still wasn’t eating any food, but I could at least keep down my water.

Still, talking to Remus throughout the day was difficult because I couldn’t get his friends out of my head. I knew there was nothing I could do except take it as it came, but I still couldn’t stop the worry.

The only good thing was that this time the worry didn’t make me sick to my stomach. Madam Pomfrey’s peppermint pick me up made sure of that.

Remus seemed to sense my discomfort because after a while we both went back to our school work, having little else to do on the long wait until the full moon. At more than one occasion, though, I glanced over at Remus to notice him not at all focused on his work, or anything for that matter. He would just stare blankly at the wall, not knowing that I watched.

I wondered if he was thinking about the full moon like I did on these long days, quarantined away from the rest of the school for both our safety and theirs. Although for today I was more concerned with tomorrow than tonight. The full moon, being found out. Which was worse?

Time passed slowly, until it was nearly evening. Nearly time to leave for the night and spend it attacking my own flesh.

“Ana?” Remus asked softly.

I glanced at the clock, not yet time to leave, but just a few minutes away. “Yeah?” I responded, hoping he wasn’t going to try to have a meaningful conversation now when we were just about to go.

“Everything will turn out okay. Don’t worry.”

I paused. I wanted to believe him, I really did, but it just wasn’t true. I was a werewolf, attending Hogwarts, and my future was ruined. Nothing was going to be okay. I was only just beginning to be able to handle that.

But I couldn’t contradict Remus’s statement. He was trying to comfort me. “Yeah,” I said, quieter than when he’d said my name. “It’ll be okay.”

The next morning I was in too much pain to even remember that I was supposed to be worried about the Marauders. Madam Pomfrey fretted over me and Remus, as he too appeared to be in worse shape than usual.

She blamed it on my sickness and the lack of potion, although I wasn’t sure what her excuse was for Remus. He was usually better than this, often already able to sit up in bed by the time I woke up the day after. I thought it was worry, maybe he wasn’t quite as calm as he let on.

Instead Madam Pomfrey gave us both sleeping potions and refused us any visitors, although I was fairly certain no one was coming to see me. By dinner time Remus and I were both feeing well enough to have some food which eased Madam Pomfrey’s worry.

Remus had some parchment, probably some kind of assignment spread across his legs which he studied as he ate. After a while he glanced at me. “My friends are coming.”

My stomach dropped and my face paled. Since we’d both been forbidden to have visitors, I thought I had an extra day of safety. “But- Madam Pomfrey!”

Remus glanced into her office and shrugged. “They don’t exactly care about rules.”

I nodded anxiously, my heart beating too fast. I didn’t want to do this, not ever, but especially not now. My back hurt, there was a bandage pulled tight across my chest to keep it from bleeding and my bones ached. Everything felt bruised and painful.

The door swung open and I glanced up in fear. In the doorway stood James and Peter, no Sirius in sight. James gave me an odd look as he walked over to our beds, but didn’t speak to me.

“Ravenclaw’s playing Slytherin this weekend, you game?” James asked Remus, taking a seat by his bed with his back to me. Peter did the same and I let out the air in my lungs all at once.

Maybe Remus had been wrong, his friends didn’t know about me. They hadn’t guessed. Perhaps we’d only thought it was obvious because we know. They’d just accepted my lies about an illness without question.

“Sure, if I get out by then. Otherwise I may have to listen to the announcing from here,” Remus said. His voice sounded slightly strained, but I put that up to his rough night. It put our whole bodies through torment, no wonder he sounded a little off.

I couldn’t help but wonder if I sounded like that after the full moon as well.

Even though now I was convinced that James and the other Marauders had no idea what I was, being so close to three of them made me anxious.

“What is this?” Madam Pomfrey’s stern voice interrupted the boys’ discussion. “No visitors! He needs to rest and recover which cannot be done with you three and your shenanigans!”

James smirked at her. “Just two of us, ma’am. And we’re only talking.”

Madam Pomfrey blinked, apparently just assuming that Sirius had joined them. “Well, my rule still stands. No visitors until tomorrow. You can come back then. Now out!”

Peter stood, as though to leave, but a younger boy burst in through the doors. He looked to be in his first or second year and was out of breath. “There’s been a Quidditch accident! We were playing around and then she fell and she looks bad!”

Madam Pomfrey didn’t spare another look to James and followed the student, her skirts gathered up as she rushed out. The moment they were out of sight James laughed.

“That was lucky,” Remus said dryly, as though he knew something.

“Right little actor he is,” James remarked and I noticed that he hadn’t even bothered to move. “Figure we’ve maybe a half an hour if he does his job. And he better for a whole galleon.”

My mouth dropped open in surprise. “You paid him?” I asked, my shock overcoming my fear of speaking. All three of the Marauders turned to me and I blushed, glancing away.

James shrugged. “I’ve paid people for less.”

I blinked as I remembered what I knew about the Potters. An old pureblood family, at least as old as the Blacks. And wealthy. James came from old money and he knew how to use it. “Oh.”

“Not going to even ask why?” James asked. He appeared to be waiting for something and he had a small smile on his face.

I didn’t know what else to do so I asked. “Why?”

“So we could have some time alone with you.” His smile broadened and I froze. Nothing good could come of him wanting to talk to me alone, but I could think of a dozen awful things just off the top of my head. “You’re just a mystery, Miss Ana Haugen from Durmstrang.”

“You’re being cruel,” Remus said softly and James stopped. The smile dropped from his face and he suddenly looked a lot less menacing and more like a normal bloke. “No games.”

I shakily took a breath, something I’d forgotten.

“Sorry,” James said, his face muscles relaxing. “No games. Sirius?”

There was an unintelligible grunt from somewhere in the room and I flinched. Looking around, I couldn’t see anywhere Sirius might be and he hadn’t walked in with the other two boys.

Remus sighed from his bed. “Sirius, I know you’re here. I saw you on the map.”

With a swish, Sirius appeared on the other side of Remus’s bed and scowled at me. He must have been under an invisibility cloak, and a really good one. My father had a cloak like that, but if you were looking straight at him you could see the air rippling. “I don’t like this. She shouldn’t know about the cloak and the map. These are Marauder secrets.”

It felt oddly similar to the evening I spent in the Slytherin Common Room with Avery Mulciber, and Snape, with Sirius as the role of Snape. From how they treated each other, particularly in potions, I didn’t think he’d like that comparison much.

“Lay off it, Padfoot.” Remus sounded tired and the strain hadn’t left his voice yet.

“She’s a werewolf, that doesn’t change anything,” Sirius protested. “She’s still a pureblood, she’s still from Durmstrang. She still uses dark magic.”

The blood drained from my face in an instant. I knew they were going to know. I had come to terms with it, mostly. I had accepted it. I had prepared. But it wasn’t the kind of thing I could really prepare for.

No one else knew. Just my parents, the Healers, and a few professors. That was the whole list. Then I came here and Remus knew. Now his friends had found out. Even if they kept quiet it would be around the school before the end of second term.

“What I don’t get is why we’re even talking about this. She’s none of our concern,” Sirius spat. He refused to even look at me, but my breath was coming short and quick.

“We discussed this earlier,” James replied. “You agreed.”

“I did no such thing!”

“Well you didn’t disagree and that’s good enough for me.” The argument stopped suddenly and all four boys turned to look at me, as though I was supposed to have input. I could hardly get my breath back, let alone think straight.

“Maybe I’m disagreeing now!”

“Can’t you see you’re upsetting her?” Remus snapped.

“She tried to kill me! My shoulder still goes numb sometimes. That’s because of her!”

“Maybe we should all take a few breaths,” James said, trying to calm things down, but Sirius ignored him.

“Why does everything change just because she’s a werewolf?” Sirius asked, looking at both James and Remus. “Hmm? Someone care to explain that one to me?”

James and Remus shared a look. “She’s been through a lot,” Remus said finally, his voice quiet and firm.

“She can speak for herself.” The three boys turned to stare at Peter who hadn’t said anything during the conversation prior to that. He shrugged. “It’s rude to just talk about Ana when she’s sitting right there.”

I turned a dark shade of red. Truth be told I kind of preferred it when they acted like I couldn’t contribute. I was still having a difficult time breathing.

“I-” The words wouldn’t come and Remus looked at me with pity in his eyes.

“You don’t have to worry, we won’t tell. Your furry little problem stays between us.” James smiled at me and my stomach flipped. But the words he used-

“My-?”

Remus shrugged. “It’s what they call it. Our furry little secret. I think half the school probably thinks I have a rabid pet bunny or something.” James laughed and I flinched at the sudden noise.

How could they all be so blithe about it? It was as though it didn’t bother them. Even Remus seemed calm and relaxed. This shouldn’t have been an okay conversation for them. I- we were halfbreeds, monsters on the full moon. They shouldn’t have been so okay with that, especially considering James and Sirius came from such good families.

“You really won’t tell?” I asked, my voice small. Even though Remus had assured me on several occasions that they wouldn’t, I still needed to hear it from them. And I still didn’t really believe them.

James and Peter both shook their heads, and Sirius was only a beat behind them. “Course not, we’re not arses,” James said. “You have our word.”

I had a feeling that James’s word meant a lot. He and his friends were immature pranksters, but at the same time he seemed like the kind of bloke that put a lot of weight on his word and honor.

And he had kept Remus’s secret for nearly seven years.

But still my heart refused to slow and I couldn’t help the knowing feeling in my gut that something was not right. A year ago if I was placed in their shoes I wouldn’t hesitate to tell someone, a professor or even my best friends. I’d laugh at them, mock them, be relieved when they were thrown out of school.

I would have been relieved that I was kicked out of Durmstrang.

But these boys didn’t care. They weren’t concerned with what I was. And that was confusing, although I wasn’t sure exactly why.

“Ana-” I jerked at the sound of my name. “We really won’t say a word.”

I nodded, although I still wasn’t quite sure what to think. It didn’t make sense, that these pureblood boys from old, noble wizarding families would be willing to protect my secret. That they’d even be okay attending school with someone like me.

I glanced hesitantly at Sirius. I believed James, at least as much as I could, and Peter seemed not to care much about the whole matter which left Sirius. He was the one I was really worried about.

James, perceptive as he was, picked up on this. “Right, Padfoot? Not telling a soul.”

Sirius’s eyebrows were drawn together and he still wouldn’t look at me. “Right. Not telling a soul,” he agreed. He didn’t sound like he was lying, but there something in his voice I couldn’t quite decipher.

The doors pushed open and Madam Pomfrey stood there scowling at the five of us, her hair flying out of her tight bun and her face red. “You three, out! Now! I do not appreciate the wild goose chase.”

James smirked and easily slid from his chair. “Good seeing you, Poppy,” he said casually as he strolled out with Peter and Sirius following suit.

Before the doors slammed shut behind them, however, Sirius turned back to look at me. His eyes seemed clouded, no longer as cold and angry as they’d been just the other week. I stared back, my eyes wide and fearful, but he turned away and the door shut.

“Your friends are in good need of some discipline,” Madam Pomfrey said as she lectured Remus. I wanted to say it wasn’t his fault, but words seemed to be failing me. “And now you’ve gone and upset Miss Haugen!”

I looked at her, traces of panic still on my face. “I- I-”

“You should keep better reign on your friends,” she said as she busied herself with her cupboard. “Here dear, have a calming drought.”

I took it gratefully, glad to have something to ease my fear. “Thanks,” I said quietly. The drought seemed to loosen my tongue and ease my mind, almost immediately I could feel my heart slowing to a more regular pace.

She harrumphed and returned to her office, leaving me and Remus to ourselves.

He leaned across the beds so he could speak more quietly. “You alright? They really don’t mean any harm, that’s just how they are. They’re good people, though. The best I’ve ever met.” He sounded sincere, much more so than the other Marauders.

I nodded, my eyelids growing heavy. “I know.”

And to my surprise, I wasn’t lying. I really did believe Remus this time. He wasn’t lying to me, he wouldn’t.

Maybe it was only the calming drought talking, but I was already feeling better about the Marauders.


	13. Scars and Friendship

When Remus and I were finally released from the Hospital Wing, I immediately went to my dormitory. Once the effects of the calming draught had worn off, the panic and anxiety about the Marauders returned.

They knew. They could deny that they’d say anything all the wanted and maybe even mean it, but that didn’t stop them from knowing. They had a hold over me that they could use if needed. They could slip up, share it with another classmate. Any number of things could go wrong.

“Ana?” Asked a cautious voice.

I sat up in my bed quickly and stared at Lily with fear. I hadn’t seen anyone else in the room when I got there. I’d missed the morning classes, but didn’t have another until Potions. I’d thought everyone else was down at lunch.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.” Lily smiled at me and closed the book on her desk that she’d been writing in. “You okay?”

I nodded. She couldn’t suspect a thing about the Marauders, could she? Was I acting like I was upset or worried about something? “Yeah, fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You were sick, remember? Missed class for a few days? I thought Pomfrey would give you a potion and you’d be back by morning.” She paused and then added, “We were all worried about you.”

“All?” She couldn’t mean the other girls we shared with. Maggie and Carolyn were scared of me still, they’d made that clear enough by keeping their distance, and Paige and Evie had little to do with me or Lily. Despite sharing a room with them for three months we hadn’t spoken on more than a handful of occasions.

“Evie asked about you,” Lily said. “Wanted to know if you were okay.”

I nodded like this made any kind of sense to me. Evie spent most of her time with her Ravenclaw friends. She hardly seemed to notice the rest of us Gryffindors existed.

“She wanted to know if we wanted to sit with her friends for the Ravenclaw Slytherin game this Saturday.” I shrugged. If she’d invited both me and Lily then it was Lily’s call. I’d go with Lily, but not just to see Evie. “I’ll tell her we’re good to go then,” she said with a smile. “Wear blue.”

Blue, right. Ravenclaw colors.

“Potions is soon, want to walk together?” Lily asked.

I shrugged. My answer would have been yes, but since being in the hospital wing I wasn’t wearing our official uniform and I didn’t want to change in front of Lily. Madam Pomfrey had healed my scars right up again, but they were still there. Still obvious.

“Er-”

“Don’t worry,” Lily said, misreading my concern. “I can wait. We won’t be tardy.”

That hadn’t been my worry, but I couldn’t exactly tell Lily that. Three months of managing to change in the bathroom or behind the curtains around my bed and it was all for naught. Lily was going to see my scars and that would bring up all kinds of questions.

Questions I didn’t have answers for.

I didn’t see any way out of the situation so I slowly began to change. When Lily saw the scars on my back and leg, she gasped. “Ana, that looks awful!” I cringed at the pity in her voice. “How did they happen?”

“It’s nothing. An old injury,” I muttered, quickly pulling on my shirt and robes.

“It doesn’t look that old,” Lily said, sounding unsure. “It’s not- I mean, your parents don’t- do they?”

“No, no! It’s nothing!” I flushed at what she was suggesting, that my parents were in some way abusive. They weren’t.

“Sorry, I- Sorry.”

Lily got really quiet after that and even after we left she hardly said a word on the way to potions. It was the first time I’d really seen her speechless. Usually she had something to say about everything.

When we reached the Potions room in the dungeons she pulled me aside. “You know you can talk to me about anything,” Lily said seriously, looking me straight in the eye. Her directness made me nervous and I glanced away. “Anything, really. I’m here.”

I nodded, if only to make her happy. Oftentimes the path of least resistance was the best option, it made everyone happy even if I didn’t mean it. “Okay.”

Lily waited another beat before she seemed convinced that I’d gotten the message and we entered the room. I immediately joined James at our table in the back. At this point I’d take the Marauders over her, even if they knew.

I regretted that thought the moment James opened his mouth. “So Ana, how’ve you been? Feeling better since your little monthly problem is over?”

I flinched and glanced around to see if anyone had heard. James merely laughed. “Relax. If anyone heard, which I doubt, they’ll just think I’m an awkward guy asking about your er- girl thing.”

His words were so vague it took me a moment to realize what he was talking about. “Oh!” My face darkened in embarrassment.

“You’re very uptight, you and Remus both,” James remarked. “You haven’t got a thing to worry about with us. We’ll keep things quiet.”

I nodded, my eyes downcast. I didn’t think he was lying, but people could be mistaken, even if they meant well. “Okay.”

“I’m not playing around.” James touched my shoulder softly and I flinched at the unexpected physical contact. “We won’t breathe a word. Sirius included. He’s a bit of an idiot sometimes, but just because he doesn’t like you doesn’t mean he’d be that cruel.”

“He can hold a grudge,” I said. I began chopping the ingredients Slughorn had laid out for us into tiny even pieces.

“Sirius learned a long time ago not to cross the line.” James watched me evenly. “You have nothing to worry about from us.”

The more he and Remus kept saying that the more I was actually beginning to believe them. “Yeah.”

James was stirring the potion in a steady rhythm, as we were supposed to for seven minutes. He grinned at me. “You don’t really say much, you know?”

“I talk when I need to.”

“Well you ought to do it more. Some of us like hearing from you.” I blushed and a small smile crept onto my face. It was good to hear I had friends, or at least something close to friends. And James always had been nice to me.

Maybe it was the compliment or maybe it was everything that had happened since I met him, but I wanted to do something nice in return. “Er- I’m going to the Slytherin Ravenclaw game this weekend with some people. Lily. Would you like to sit with us?”

James stopped stirring for a moment and Slughorn coughed to get our attention. “Please tell me you two are discussing your failures with this potion as opposed to gossip and Quidditch.”

“Er-”

“If that isn’t what you’re discussing, I would suggest you start before we have a repeat of melting tables and lilac faces.” James snickered, but quieted when Slughorn glared at him. Just the other week we created a potion that turned the faces of everyone who got near it a pale shade of purple.

“Yes, sir,” I said, speeding up the chopping process.

“Yes, sir.” James returned to stirring the potion, although from the way Slughorn sighed I figured it was a lost cause. “How did either of us get into NEWT potions?” James asked as he frantically tried to get the potion to the color it was supposed to be.

I poured in the chopped ginger root and the only change was that it emitted a puff of dark smoke. “Potions was easier at Durmstrang. I think.” Either that or I’d just gotten awful for some reason.

James shrugged, apparently ceasing to care about our current assignment. “So you’re inviting me to watch the Quidditch match with you and Lily’s going to be there.”

“You and her are friends, right?” I thought they were. Otherwise Lily might not be too pleased with me and that wouldn’t be good for our friendship.

“Lily’s too mature to not be friends with the Head Boy,” James said lightly. “But I want more and she- well. She isn’t sure yet.”

I nodded, not knowing what to say. I couldn’t very well tell him she’d change her mind because she might not. And I couldn’t offer advice because I didn’t have any experience. I was light on past boyfriends. “Good luck?” I offered sheepishly.

James guffawed. “You’re the only person who’s worse at that than Sirius. I need to meet new people who know about love stuff. That would be helpful.”

“None of them give good advice?” I asked in surprise. Remus always struck me as a good advice giver, but perhaps I was wrong.

“Well let’s see, Sirius is just daft about girls, Remus doesn’t date, and Pete’s got an ex girlfriend he hides from when she comes around. So no. None of them really give me any good advice.”

“Ouch.” This was the first I’d heard of Peter’s ex girlfriend, but the bit about Remus didn’t surprise me. One couldn’t really date much when they were cursed like us. It just didn’t work.

“You’re a girl, aren’t you supposed to be good at this kind of thing?” James demanded playfully. I shrugged, not knowing how to respond. There wasn’t a good way to say that even at Durmstrang I’d been a bit of a shy loner who got ignored by most of the guys.

It didn’t exactly paint me in a very positive light. “I dunno, not a lot of experience?”

A large body bumped into my chair hard and I crashed into the table, only inches away from the bubbling potion. I grabbed the table to keep from falling any further. I turned just in time to see the retreating blonde curls of Rutley Mulciber.

“Hey! What was that?” James snapped at the larger boy. I grabbed his arm to keep him quiet, but he shook me off.

“Accident,” Mulciber grunted with a dark look on his face as he stared at me, ignoring James. “Problem?” James stood, reaching for his wand, but Slughorn interrupted before anything else could happen.

“Potter, Mulciber, simmer down,” Slughorn said in a tired voice.

The scowl didn’t leave James’s face, but he returned to his seat. “Has he been bothering you?” He asked, finally turning from Mulciber to me.

I shook my head. “He’s not bothering me at all. You heard him, just an accident.” It was a lie and I knew James could see that. No one could accidentally knock into a chair that hard, and if it had been an accident he wouldn’t have been glaring at me.

But lying about it was easier.

“If he’s bothering you let me and Sirius take care of it. We owe some of the Slytherins a little something.” I just looked away from the menacing look on his face. That was why I’d been glad Durmstrang had no student Heads. The position was always going to get abused. I liked James and even he was abusing it.

“I’m fine,” I said steadily.

James continued chattering as we finished up our potion, but I stayed silent. I didn’t need people to go around breaking the rules for me. That would only wind up getting us all in trouble.

Our potion ended up a pale shade of grey which was better than I’d thought it would be, as we were attempting a deep black. The only people who’d managed to get theirs black were Lily and Snape. Technically Sirius was Lily’s partner, but he didn’t do anything without her approval so I gave the credit solely to Lily.

Remus and Peter had gotten close but theirs was a touch paler than the true black, although Peter didn’t seem to care at all.

“I think we did a topnotch job,” James said as he surveyed the potion. “I’m thoroughly impressed.”

“You’re easily impressed,” I muttered without thinking. The moment the words were out of my mouth I froze. I wasn’t sure James and I were close enough to say things like that, but he laughed.

“Easily impressed is a good way to be.”

We packed up and James hovered for a moment before I raised an eyebrow at them. “Er- you were serious about the Quidditch match, right?” He looked so unsure of himself that I almost felt sorry for him. I’d never seen anything other than the confident Head Boy and Quidditch captain. “It’s okay for me to sit with you lot?

“Yeah, we’ll just be with Evie and her friends.” I smiled at him. Of all the boys, James had been the most consistently nice to me, except for a bit after I cursed Sirius which was justified. I wanted to repay the favor. “It’d be fun if you joined us.”

“Great!” James scurried off to meet up with the other Marauders and I waited for Lily to finish speaking with Slughorn as she so often did after Potions lessons. I was glad to have her as a friend, but she really was a teacher’s pet. The kind of girl that most people at Durmstrang would stay away from.

“Of course, sir. I’ll be there, no worries.”

Slughorn beamed at her, the kind of look James and I never received from him. “Good, good! And you Severus? You’ll attend as well?”

I glanced over at Snape who had yet to leave, although he was standing a bit removed from Lily and Slughorn. “Yeah,” he said under his breath.

Slughorn didn’t seem to care that Snape was more than a little disgusted with the notion of attending whatever he was being invited to. “Wonderful!” He clapped his hands together. “I’ve invited some special people for the two of you. Master potion brewers. You could learn so much from them just from one conversation.”

Lily brightened at this and though I’m sure he would deny it, Snape stood a little straighter. “Masters?” Lily asked.

“Oh yes, you won’t want to miss that.” Slughorn’s smile only widened. “Hurry along now. You won’t want to be late for your next class.”

Lily and I left with Severus trailing not far behind. After exiting Slughorn’s room, I could feel the tension radiating from her, probably on account of the Slytherin who walked just a few steps behind us. But there was nothing we could do about it as we were all heading to the History of Magic classroom with Binns.

It was the only class I’d ever considered skipping. He didn’t take attendance and didn’t notice when people were absent, but I felt an obligation to Dumbledore to attend, even if it was a useless lesson.

“Lily.” She kept her head down, refusing to look back at Severus even as he spoke to her. “Lily, don’t ignore me. You know you don’t want to.”

She increased her pace, although not by much, so I matched it. We were still several minutes from the classroom and I could tell Snape wasn’t going to give up.

“I’m not the only one who uses dark magic, it doesn’t seem to bother you when she does it. Or when she spends time with Avery and Mulciber, or curses Gryffindors-”

“Stop it!” Lily shouted, turning on her heel and surprising Snape into halting. “Why do you always insist on making everything so much worse? We’re no longer friends, leave me alone and leave Ana alone.” She stalked off and I offered Snape a slightly a apologetic look. I didn’t know what had happened and even if he had used some dark magic he still seemed to care about her a lot.

He sneered at me and I hurried to catch up with Lily who looked upset. I didn’t know what to say or what to ask to help her feel better, so instead I kept my mouth shut and let Lily stew in silence.

After we left Snape in the corridor he didn’t show up to class. He didn’t seem to care about the subject material or the NEWT credit, so I figured he was there for Lily.

I almost opened my mouth to say something, but Lily was furiously taking notes on Binns’s lecture and I didn’t want to interrupt. I was also scared that maybe our friendship was going too far. She knew about my scars, I knew about Snape. There were too many private tidbits being shared between us. And that needed to stop.

In any case, she must have already known about Snape. It wasn’t my place to say anything on the matter.


	14. "I don't hate you."

The day of the Quidditch match the school was buzzing. The Ravenclaw team was supposed to be good this year, better than Gryffindor even. James waved those comments away in disgust, but it was obvious he wanted to see them play for more than just an afternoon of entertainment.

James gave his team strict instructions to watch their Ravenclaw counterparts, as Ravenclaw was the first opponent Gryffindor faced after getting back from the Christmas holidays.

The Marauders met me, Lily, Evie, and her Ravenclaw friends outside of Gryffindor tower and tramped down to the Quidditch pitch together. Despite captaining a rival team, the Ravenclaws seemed happy to have James join us.

In the stadium, Sirius and Remus wound up sitting by me while James finagled a seat beside Lily. I was pretty sure I saw a galleon change hands between him and Dixon, one of the Ravenclaw blokes.

Lily didn’t appear to notice and I figured that was for the best. James was trying his best, even if his actions were a bit morally objectionable.

“Not exactly a Lothario, but he tries,” Remus said quietly, only audible to me and Sirius.

“He better hope Lily keeps being oblivious to that kind of thing or he’ll never stand a chance,” I replied. It seemed a bit ironic that the harder James tried to get Lily, the more questionable means he used and the more likely she would disapprove if she found out.

“He’ll be fine,” Sirius muttered. He didn’t seem to like me saying negative things about his best friend so I just shrugged. I wasn’t here to start an argument. This was a Quidditch match; it was supposed to be fun.

“Play nice, Sirius,” Remus said offhandedly.

Sirius scowled at his friend, but when Remus didn’t back down he sighed. “Fine. Durmstrang and I will be the best of mates, isn’t that right?”

For some reason that didn’t sound quite as fake or cruel as it was meant to. Ever since the other day in the hospital wing he hadn’t been outright cruel to me and his usual jabs had lost their zing. Even the Durmstrang nickname seemed less cruel and more playful.

He’d said nothing changed with them discovering what I was, but maybe that wasn’t true. Maybe he was warming up to me.

It wasn’t likely, but possible.

I smiled at him, but he’d already turned back to the game. It was proving to be about as one-sided as the Gryffindor Hufflepuff match, with the sole exception that the second year Ravenclaw seeker didn’t know what he was doing.

After an hour, Ravenclaw led by close to two hundred points and the snitch was nowhere in sight. The excitement had drained out of the crowd but for the most steadfast fans. The Ravenclaws we sat with still cheered with every score and whistled at the Slytherins, but the Gryffindors were bored.

Sirius yawned, then covered his mouth in embarrassment. “Go Ravenclaw,” he cheered quietly and sarcastically.

I was pretty sure I was the only one who heard and I smiled to myself. This was a side of Sirius I hadn’t had a chance to see because he always acted so guarded and cold around me.

“Party after?” Sirius asked Remus, not taking his eyes from the players in the sky above him.

“Party? But it’s not even your team!” I said out of astonishment.

“Relax, Durmstrang. We won’t invite you,” Sirius said with a roll of his eyes.

Remus laughed. “Go tell James he can’t invite Lily’s closest friend. Just try it.” Sirius sneered at him, but didn’t say anything else and Remus turned to me. “Any excuse for a party right? It’ll be small, just a couple of us in the common room.”

“Oh Durmstrang, won’t you come?” Sirius said mockingly. He batted his eyelashes in a fake flirtatious manner. “You’ve captivated us all with your charm and beauty. Please, do us the honor, oh great one!”

My face turned a deep scarlet and both Sirius and Remus laughed. I wasn’t sure how much they were just poking fun and how much was actually directed to mock me. I managed a small awkward laugh.

I preferred to know when people were laughing with me as opposed to at me. Sometimes with the Marauders it was hard to tell the difference.

Rigsby, the Ravenclaw seeker I guess by the conversation of the Ravenclaw students around me, looked out of his element in the air. Peter was having a heated discussion with Dixon about the seekers and looked fairly annoyed.

James was chatting with Lily and she kept laughing, which I guessed was a good sign for both of them. The match dragged on and some people started leaving the stands. No one wanted to watch a Quidditch match that was all but over. Ravenclaw was ahead by hundreds and still Rigsby couldn’t seem to manage to catch the snitch.

Sirius checked his watch and sighed. “I’m leaving. Ravenclaw won, I’m thrilled. Now I’m out.” The Ravenclaw students glared at him, although it seemed more out of obligation than anything else. Even they were beginning to look a little bored.

“I’ll go with you,” I said, jumping up to follow him. It wasn’t too long of a walk back to the castle and I’d be okay with Sirius. I hadn’t forgotten the scene in the corridor, but he’d never hurt me. That was just a message. A message I probably deserved.

He didn’t say anything, but waited for me to grab my wand so we could walk together.

The sun had already gone down and I wrapped my winter cloak around me tighter, wishing for my warmer Durmstrang furs. Sirius glanced at me like he wanted to say something. “Cold?” He asked, his voice gruff.

“No, I’m fine.” Sirius seemed like the type to want to save a damsel in distress even if he didn’t like the damsel in question, but I certainly wasn’t a damsel in distress.

It was cold, though, so we quickened our pace to reach the heated castle sooner. The awkward silence that settled over us lasted until we reached Gryffindor Tower, but I was used to awkward silence. They didn’t bother me much because I kept my mouth shut so often.

Sirius on the other hand looked perturbed. He stopped outside of the portrait of the Fat Lady and looked me square in the eye. “I don’t hate you.”

“What?” I asked, my eyebrows drawing together.

“Just so you know. I don’t hate you.” I didn’t see any hint of a joke on Sirius’s face. “But I don’t like you either.”

“O-okay,” I said, stumbling over the word.

“Cor fortitudo.” The Fat Lady swung open and I stared after him.

What did that mean? It was good to know he didn’t hate me, but I couldn’t decipher the true meaning behind his words- or more aptly the reason he decided to share them with me.

“Dearie, are you going in or staying out? I can’t stay open all day for you.” I jumped with surprise at the Fat Lady’s voice. I tended to forget that she spoke to us sometimes.

“In. Sorry.” I hurried through the entrance and the portrait closed behind me. I was still pondering Sirius’s words, but the common room had a few too many Gryffindors who’d come back from the match early so I decided to retreat to my dormitory.

I spent what was left of the evening thinking about what Sirius had said and trying to distract myself with schoolwork.

True to their word, there was a party once the match finished, but it was halfhearted at best. People didn’t seem to want to celebrate the four and half hours it took for the Slytherin seeker to finally give up and catch the snitch, winning the game for Ravenclaw.

Or at least that was what I had heard. Evie filled me in briefly when she came back, but she was on her way out again to celebrate with the Ravenclaws. The Gryffindors only lasted another hour before the sounds from the Common Room quieted dramatically.

Lily came up about an hour after that, her face nearly as red as her hair. “Hey,” I said from where I was rewriting my Defense Against the Dark Arts essay on the theory behind nonverbal curses. “Good party?”

If it was possible her face got even darker. “Alright.”

I could tell she was hiding something. I wasn’t the most perceptive person, but Lily was an awful liar. But if she was hiding something then she didn’t want me to know and that was her call. I wasn’t going to pry into her life. I didn’t want people prying into my secrets either.

“Sounds fun.”

I kept working on the essay. It was my worst class as I automatically failed the practical portion. If I didn’t get O’s I wouldn’t earn my NEWT. Not that it especially mattered because I had no career options to speak of, but it was a point of pride. I’d never failed a class before.

Lily jumped on my bed which was closer to where I was working at the desk. “Ana, he kissed me!”

I put the quill down carefully and stared at her. ‘He’ surely meant James Potter, but one could never be too sure. “James?”

“James, yes! He kissed me!” I studied her face. Despite the blush, she had a smile and looked almost giddy. I’d seen Lily severe and kind, friendly and focused, but never giddy. That was a new one.

Giddy was a good emotion though. She seemed happy. “That’s great,” I said, matching her smile.

Immediately Lily froze. “Is it? It’s James Potter. Immature, arrogant, and spoiled James Potter.”

“Oh.” I’d thought maybe she was getting over that. James was a bit immature, and spoiled came with old money, but he didn’t seem too arrogant. And he did appear to really like Lily. “So not good?” I asked, unsure of what I was supposed to say.

“He kissed me and I liked it!” She said. “But he’s James Potter. I shouldn’t have liked it.”

Everything she was saying made my head spin. I liked Lily and I wanted to help, but I couldn’t very well do that when she supplied both sides of the argument well enough herself.

“Should I have? What does this mean? He’s kissed girls before. That doesn’t mean we ought to be together. It was just a one time thing, right?” Lily looked up at me and I started.

“Er-” I didn’t know what answer she was looking for. “I don’t know?”

“Oh Merlin, how did this happen?” She asked, massaging her forehead and laying down flat on my bed. “James Potter. He’s James Potter! But he’s James Potter.” Lily sighed.

I looked on in silence. Nothing helpful came to mind.

“I’m sorry.” Lily sat up and hopped off my bed. “I shouldn’t be bothering you. I need to sleep. Maybe that’ll help me think. It’s just- James Potter, you know?”

I nodded although I had no idea what she meant. The only thing we had decided in that conversation was that it was, in fact, James Potter. I didn’t know where Lily stood on him or the kiss or the possibility of a relationship.

I supposed it was my job as a friend to help her, but I came up empty. No one ever told you how to deal with situations like this. Durmstrang was easier. My friends there didn’t have nearly so much drama in their lives.

 

Lily was no better the next day. It was Sunday which meant no classes and without that reason Lily refused to leave the room. She couldn’t guarantee we wouldn’t run into James if we left.

“But what about food?” I asked desperately that afternoon.

“Not hungry,” she responded, although her stomach immediately growled as if just the thought was too much for her. “Well, maybe a little. But it’s not important.”

“James is going to think you’re scared of him,” I said. It was true, although a little below the belt. I knew Lily didn’t like to appear weak to anyone. She was the Head Girl, even when the Slytherins called her a mudblood she kept her cool and merely deducted points or gave out detentions for foul language.

Lily pursed her lips. I could almost see her thinking which was worse; being thought of as weak or running into James? “Maybe just a quick dinner.”

I shrugged. That suited me fine. Going down to dinner by myself would have been awkward because I’m sure James would seek me out at once.

We worked on schoolwork to pass the time, but it was obvious Lily wasn’t even thinking about it. I didn’t think I’d ever seen her so unproductive. Usually I was the preoccupied one, thinking about the Marauders or the full moon or Durmstrang.

She sighed and pushed away the inkwell in frustration. “What should I do, Ana?”

“What?” I asked in surprise, not expecting that.

“With James. What do I do? I’ve never been so confused before!” Lily dropped her head onto the desk and just let it rest there in exhaustion. I stared blankly. There needed to be classes on how to give advice because I had nothing.

“Er-”

Her muffled voice came back. “Please Ana, I don’t know what to do!” That I believed, but I still didn’t have anything helpful to say.

“Did you like it? The kiss, I mean.”

There was a pause and I wondered if I’d said the wrong thing. If I’d somehow offended her maybe. Then came a muffled, “Yes.”

I fiddled with my quill, separating each bit of the feathers and breaking them off. It was ruining a perfectly good quill, but it was a nervous habit I’d developed at Durmstrang. “Do you like James?” I asked.

The wait was even longer this time, but eventually Lily repeated her previous answer. She still didn’t pick her head up.

I’d run out of things to ask. If she liked the kiss and liked James, I couldn’t see much of a problem. Lily didn’t have the same issues I did which left her free and open to date whoever she pleased.

And it seemed to me like that person was James Potter, although I had no plans to tell her that. If Lily wanted to be with him she’d decide that on her own. I didn’t like helping people make important decisions because then if they made the wrong one it would all come back to me.

I wasn’t going to be to blame for screwing things up with her.

“Why don’t we forget all about him and just get some dinner?” I suggested. I was famished after having not eaten all day. With a higher metabolism I couldn’t afford to skip many meals or I’d get sickly skinny.

Lily finally pulled her head up and nodded. She looked tired, more so than usual, but I ignored it. Lily was of age and could take care of herself. A few days of stress wouldn’t kill her.

I did hope that we wouldn’t run into James Potter during our brief excursion for dinner, but I had a sinking feeling that he’d be looking for his redheaded crush.

And he was waiting in the Common Room when we walked down.

Lily froze beside me and I had to physically tug her arm to get her walking again. James leapt off the couch to join us. “Lily, hey!” He ran his fingers through his hair and grinned widely at us. “And Ana.”

I was a bit of an afterthought there, but it didn’t bother me too much. I had a feeling Sirius would be an afterthought right now too, and he was James’s best friend.

“Hi,” Lily said quietly, not quite meeting James’s eyes.

“Are you getting dinner? I’m going to dinner. I’m famished. Don’t you get so hungry around dinner time? It’s like your body gets used to eating at specific times and all of a sudden you’re just starving.”

I couldn’t help but smile softly at James’s nervous rambling. It was cute in a way, although I bet Lily didn’t see it as such.

“Yeah, starving,” she echoed.

I didn’t want to be the third wheel at dinner, but Lily shot me a death glare so I sat with them. As the meal went on she began talking more and James relaxed a bit. I began to see the same dynamic I’d noticed at the Quidditch match the night before.

They just really enjoyed each other’s company and James had her laughing at all of his jokes.

After a while the rest of the Marauders joined us and I was grateful for the company. Lily and James were in their own little world and it seemed Lily had made up her mind, although they were sitting on opposite sides of the table and not touching.

“They’re nauseatingly cute,” Sirius muttered to the three of us. “Worse than you and Bea.”

Peter flushed. “Can we not talk about her?” He sent an anxious look toward the Hufflepuff tables and Sirius snickered.

“Coward. Dunno how they let you into Gryffindor.” Peter frowned at him and sensing an argument, Remus changed the subject back to James and Lily.

“So she say anything about last night?” He asked. “We saw the kiss, but she about fled after.” That must have been when she came into our room, unless she fled out the portrait hole after hours and that didn’t seem like a very Lily thing to do.

“Not really,” I said with a small shrug. I didn’t think Lily would appreciate me relaying her indecision about the whole situation. “You know how she can be.”

“Liar,” Sirius said.

I stared at him with my eyes wide. I didn’t want to make him angry again, he’d just started to cool off around me. But he didn’t seem angry, more amused at my fear.

“You’re an awful liar for a girl with so many secrets. You ought to work on that.”

“Maybe you should give me lessons,” I suggested sarcastically.

Remus watched us with raised eyebrows. “When do you two become such good mates?” He asked.

“What? No,” Sirius snapped. “We’re not mates.” He scowled darkly at both me and Remus and began moodily eating the food in front of him at a great speed that almost rivaled mine after a bad full moon.

“Sure you aren’t,” Remus said dryly.

It was good to have friends to joke around with, even if Sirius couldn’t exactly be considered a friend. I wondered if he had told the others what he said to me last night outside the common room, about not hating me.

I shot him a quick look and he was determinedly working his way through a pile of food without looking at any of us. He wasn’t much one to talk about his feelings, I didn’t think. More like me that way than James. No, he wouldn’t have told them.

I looked away before anyone noticed me staring and began to work through my own plate of food. He’d said he didn’t like me, but he was warming up and joking around. That was a start.

A promising start.

I could work with that.


	15. Parents

I thought it odd as December passed that none of the boys mentioned my curse. They knew, they’d confirmed it that day in the Hospital Wing, but they’d hardly said a word about it. They just continued to act like nothing was different, although they treated me better since finding out.

It was strange, and not at all the reaction I’d expected. But I wasn’t going to question it. I didn’t have so many friends that I could afford to lose them. Plus I was beginning to find that I really enjoyed spending time with Lily and the Marauders.

Lily and James started dating, although as Lily claimed it was only a casual thing. I don’t think anyone was fooled. They certainly weren’t acting like it was just casual. In fact, they were more than a little sickening in the best way possible.

James had taken to carrying her books for her and leaving little surprises in her bag, a pressed lily flower, cute notes, and little chocolates for her to find during class.

Lily ate it up and I had to admit that despite being a tad over the top James was the perfect boyfriend. But I guess fancying Lily for several years gave him plenty of time to think of ideas.

“It’s disgusting,” Sirius muttered as we were sitting together in the common room waiting for the Hogwarts Express to come take us home for the holidays. “Truly nauseating.”

Lily and James sat off by themselves, far enough away that they were out of earshot if we kept our voices down. They were so wrapped up in each other, metaphorically of course, that I doubted they’d hear us anyway, but we were careful.

“They’re sweet,” I said, although I agreed a bit with what Sirius was saying.

He rolled his eyes. “That is a boy who has been whipped. You know Prongs was up last night reading poetry to give her? Poetry!” Remus hushed him and I smiled.

That was a bit over the top, I had to admit, but Lily probably liked that kind of thing. “Well they’re happy, that’s all that matters.”

“Yeah, if you need me I’ll be in my room, puking my guts up.” Sirius stood and left, heading up the boys’ staircase.

Remus laughed. “Guess he finally had enough. He’s been threatening James with a permanent silencing charm if he wouldn’t stop talking about Lily too. I think someone might be a bit jealous.”

My mouth dropped open and I glanced at Sirius’s receding back on the staircase. “Wait is he- for James?” He didn’t seem like the type, but sometimes one couldn’t tell with these things.

It took Remus a moment to realize what I was asking. “No! Merlin no! I only meant of the relationship.” He was laughing so hard I could barely make out what he was saying and after a moment Peter and I joined in.

“I’m begging you, say that in front of Padfoot,” Peter said, wiping a tear from his eye. “I’d pay anything to see his face.”

“What’s with the nicknames?” I asked. I’d been curious about them for a while, but never had the guys to ask while James and Sirius were around. They seemed to be the unofficial leaders which made Peter and Remus more approachable. “Padfoot and Prongs and- what was yours again?”

“Wormtail,” Peter answered off the bat before coloring.

“They’re just silly names we gave each other a few years back,” Remus said. He shook his head. “Nothing interesting. Isn’t it about time to get down to the station? We don’t want to be late and get stuck here.”

I nodded, ignoring the abrupt change of subject. It was true that we didn’t want to get stuck at school. There weren’t many staying behind, although when people were signing up I noticed Snape at the front of the line.

To my surprise Sirius was leaving Hogwarts as well. I’d thought that being as he ran away from home he’d sign up to stay, but he was going to James’s house for the holidays.

At the station Lily and James parted ways as the Marauders were sitting alone in their compartment. As Sirius said, they had some important Marauder business to attend to. Private business.

So Lily and I were on our own which didn’t happen much lately, at least since she’d started seeing James. We sat in the Heads’ compartment as it generally remained empty.

“He’s completely ruined me,” she said as we slid our trunks out of the way. Lily had a smile on her face though, so I knew it couldn’t have been anything bad. “He’s spoiling me rotten. It’s probably his plan- so that I’ll never be happy with another boy and I’ll have to stay with James forever.”

Lily didn’t seem too put out by this idea as she kept giggling, a far cry from the rather stern Head Girl I’d met in September.

Although thinking about it, it did seem like the kind of thing James would think out in advance. “Just enjoy yourself,” I said. “No need to think too much about the future.”

Lily nodded and a blush crept onto her face. “I feel like such an idiot, you know? I was never supposed to be that girl who got all caught up in a guy and ignored everything else. I have dreams and aspirations and I don’t want to just lose out on everything because of James Potter.”

I frowned at her. This whole rant seemed to be coming out of nowhere. She was happy being with James. “He won’t make you give up anything, you know that.”

Lily shook her head, leaned into me close, and whispered, “I got an A on the last Transfiguration exam. An A!”

I stared at her. “Er so?”

“An A is only just passing. I can’t afford to just barely get by, I need all O’s if I want to get into the top Healing programs this summer. James Potter is a distraction.” She looked flushed and embarrassed.

The last Transfiguration exam had been a hard one. I received an A as well and the only Os were from James and two Ravenclaws. I figured we were lucky to pass at all. Transfiguration was much more difficult at Hogwarts than it had been at Durmstrang.

“You’ll be fine, one A won’t ruin any of your chances.”

Lily looked unconvinced, but nodded. “I just feel foolish.”

There were many words I could use to describe Lily and foolish wasn’t one of them. Except for perhaps this conversation we were having. “You’re not.”

“Foolish and ridiculous and overdramatic!” Lily threw her hands in the air. “Only James Potter could do this to me. I ought to have more sense than this.”

After another few minutes of reassurances, Lily calmed and moved past her fear of foolishness and losing herself, or whatever else it was that bothered her. We started talking about home and Lily began asking me questions about my family.

“So where is it that you live?” I didn’t want to admit that we’d moved just to be nearer to a good Healing center for lycanthropy so I shrugged.

“Up north, you know. A little ways out.” My answer was abnormally vague, but it didn’t appear to deter Lily.

“And you live with both your parents, right? Younger sister?” As I answered both, yes and no respectively, Lily frowned a little. “I’m just now beginning to realize how little I know about you. You ought to talk more.”

If everything worked out the way it was supposed to, there would be a few things that Lily would never find out about me.

“I’m just shy,” I said quietly. It wasn’t just an excuse, it was true. Even before everything had happened I was shy. It just got worse after. “Not a big thing.”

We went back and forth for a while about our families. I told her about both of my parents and how close I was with my father and she told me about her sister and that they’d lost the close bond they shared before Hogwarts.

Finally we reached the platform. Unlike my arrival, I knew my parents would be on the platform waiting for me. I told them via owl post that they didn’t have to come meet, but Dad insisted.

I had to admit I couldn’t wait to see them. I always missed my parents when I was away at school because we got on well, but this was different because of what happened over the summer. I really wanted- needed to see them.

Lily and I exited the train together, dragging our trunks behind us. We’d lightened them, but we couldn’t float them for fear that they would hit someone on the crowded platform.

“See your parents?” I asked.

She shook her head, not even bothering to look. “Muggles. They’re waiting outside the barrier. What about yours?”

I stood on my tiptoes and looked around for the familiar faces of my Mum and Dad. I scanned everyone I saw, but nothing. I shook my head.

“We’ll find them soon. You want to wait outside with mine?” I wound up following Lily to the muggle part of the station to wait while the platform cleared out a bit. That would make it easier to spot my own parents.

Just outside stood an older couple, the woman with fiery red hair like Lily’s and the man had brown hair, but emerald eyes. I suspected those were Lily’s parents and she pulled me over to them. “Mum, Dad, this is my friend Ana. She was knew this year.”

Mr. Evans looked at me kindly and shook my hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ana. We love meeting all of Lily’s friends from school. It’s so fascinating.” He wore glasses and had the absent professor look.

Mrs. Evans on the other hand was a bit more stern looking, like her daughter, although pleasant. “Yes, well we really must be going. Pet’s coming over for dinner tonight with her husband. Nice meeting you, Ana.”

Lily made a face at me and both of her parents looked away rather awkwardly, pretending as though they hadn’t noticed. “You want to come visit us?” Lily asked. “Break’s an awful long time to go since we can just apparate now.”

I shrugged. “I think I might be expected to stay home. My parents haven’t seen me in months and they’ll want to know all about what Hogwarts is like.” In truth I couldn’t go visit Lily because the full moon was right in the middle of break. Christmas, to be exact.

“Lily! Lily wait up!” James sprinted through the barrier and over to where we were standing. “You were going to leave without saying goodbye?”

“I thought we said goodbye at H-” James cut her off with a long kiss and I glanced awkwardly at her parents. Mrs. Evans’s eyebrows shot up behind her bangs and Mr. Evans looked shocked.

When they finally broke apart Lily’s face was scarlet, redder even than her hair. She was a little breathless, but recovered quickly. “James these er- these are my parents. Mum, Dad, my boyfriend James.”

James’s eyes widened. He apparently had not looked past Lily to see the two of them. “Er hullo,” he said. His face darkened to match Lily’s and he ran his fingers through his hair. “You have- Your daughter- Nice to meet you,” he finally managed, ducking his head.

“Boyfriend?” Mrs. Evans asked, looking from her daughter to James and back. “I hadn’t heard about any boyfriend in all those letters you sent us.”

“It’s a new- I mean we only started- I-” Lily stumbled over her words, seeming less than coherent.

James still had a fearful look on his face. I couldn’t remember seeing him as anything less than relaxed and confident around authority figures. He even managed to tease Professor McGonagall without shame.

I guess meeting his girlfriend’s parents was a little bit much though, especially after that kiss.

“James, is it?” Mr. Evans asked.

James gulped and nodded. “Yes, sir.”

I smiled a bit at his fear. I liked James a lot, but sometimes he seemed a bit too self assured and confident. It was nice to see him knocked down a peg.

“I hope you understand how important my daughter is to me.” Mr. Evans seemed to have lost a bit of the absent minded professor and now looked more serious as he stared down James. “You do, don’t you?”

“Yes, sir. Of course, sir.” James looked mildly panicked. “She’s important to me too.” Mr. Evans nodded, but not quite like James had given him the right answer.

As amusing as it was to watch, I knew someone had to come to James’s recuse and it wasn’t going to be Lily because she looked as though she was even more embarrassed than James was. “James and I better get back, find our parents.”

“Mhmm,” Mrs. Evans said slowly, not taking her eyes from James.

They turned to go and Lily gave us both a quick wave before ducking after them. I couldn’t help giggling once Mr. and Mrs. Evans were out of earshot. “Classy,” I said under my breath.

James scowled at me. “I wouldn’t have done that if I’d seen her parents. It wasn’t my fault.”

I just nodded. James was in enough pain without me having to add to it. Sirius, Remus, and Peter joined us once we were back through the barrier. “How’d it go?” Remus asked.

James just shook his with a pained look on his face. “Don’t.”

“He snogged Lily in front of her parents,” I offered and the boys guffawed with laughter. James shot me a dark look to which I just shrugged. It wasn’t my fault he’d completely embarrassed himself. I just happened to share it with his closest friends.

“Keeping it classy, James. We’re all proud.” Sirius grinned at him and James stared sullenly back.

I suddenly noticed familiar faces through the crowd and a smile broke out across my face. “I see my parents. I’ll see you lot when I get back, no?”

“Don’t forget to owl,” Remus reminded me. “Especially after Christmas. Make sure you’re okay.”

Right. Christmas was the full moon. That would be a fun one. “I’ll be fine.”

“And we should meet up after Christmas sometime!” James said excitedly. “Lily’s coming to my house to meet my mum, you and Moony and Wormtail should all come too! Make a party out of it.”

I shrugged, feeling more and more uncomfortable. I wanted to relax at home. Be able to spend time with my parents without worrying about school or secrets. I’d miss Lily, but I wouldn’t miss the lies I had to tell her.

“Just think about it, okay?” James asked.

I didn’t have much choice but to agree. “Alright.”

Sirius didn’t say a word and just watched me go, but I waved goodbye to him anyway. He didn’t return the gesture, but I wasn’t surprised. Even if he was warming up to me he wasn’t my biggest fan.

I hurried over to where my parents were standing and threw myself into my father’s arms. Usually our greetings were calmer, but I had missed him so much that I couldn’t resist.

“Daddy I missed you,” I said, regressing back to a point when I called him daddy, which I hadn’t for at least a few years.

We broke apart and I gave my mum a hug, not quite as needy as the one I’d given my father, but still warm.

She pulled away and smiled at me. “You look good, better than you did when you left in September. You’ve been getting plenty of sleep?”

“Eight solid hours a night,” I lied. Sometimes I got eight hours, but more often I spent my nights tossing and turning, except for when I was in the Hospital Wing. When I was there I slept like a baby.

“And keeping up with your schoolwork?” She continued.

I rolled my eyes. “Of course, Mum.”

“That’s my girl.” She smiled at me and I returned it.

We apparated home directly from the platform and the moment I was in my home again I realized how much I’d missed it. The smell was overwhelming. I couldn’t name it, but it just smelled like home.

The portraits on the walls greeted me and I couldn’t stop smiling at them. It felt so good to be back, better than I had imagined.

“So who were those boys you were talking to by the train?” Dad asked as he hung up his heavy cloak.

I shrugged, not sure I wanted to really explain the Marauders. They were a complicated group, but not exactly people my parents would approve of for the most part. “Just some friends from school.”

“Anyone we know?” I could hear the desire in my mother’s tone. Even with my lycanthropy she wanted me to get close to families of appropriate standing. I wanted to snap that those families wouldn’t want me around their children, but I held my tongue.

“James Potter and Sirius Black.” I doubted that my parents knew the Pettigrews or the Lupins and in any case I didn’t want to bring Remus up. I didn’t know how they’d react to one of my closest friends being like me.

“Black?” Dad sounded rather impressed.

Mum was frowning though. “Sirius Black? Walburga’s boy? The one they disowned?”

I’d been hoping they wouldn’t know that part of it. I sighed. “Yeah, that one.”

“Oh honey, isn’t there someone more appropriate for you to spend your time with? James Potter comes from an impressive family, and I know the McClintocks and the Averys have children there about your age.”

I flinched at Avery’s name. “Really, Mum. My friends are the ones I’m sticking with.” I knew her well enough to know she wouldn’t push the issue. Her parents had always controlled her life, set her up with friends and suitors until she didn’t know how to even think for herself. She told me when I was younger that she’d never do that to me.

I was grateful for it.

“What about that boy the Headmaster had you meeting with?” I froze. I knew who she meant by ‘that boy’. Remus. The only other person at the school who was suffering like me. “You don’t see him anymore, do you?”

“Remus is one of my friends. He was at the station with me.” I kept my tone even. I didn’t want to snap at my parents, not home so soon. I reminded myself that it was just an innocent question, she didn’t mean anything by it.

“Oh is he now?” Her tone was still light although her meaning anything but.

“Yes, Mum. He’s one of my closest friends.” I hated how I felt like I had to defend my choice of friends. First Sirius who didn’t even like me and now Remus who was my first friend. It wasn’t fair.

“This boy-”

“His name’s Remus.” If she was going to go there I was at least going to make her use his name, remember that he was a person not just some half breed monster.

“Mhmm.” She sounded unconvinced. “Be careful around this boy. You never know what he could be like.”

I hated the implication behind her words.

“He’s my friend, I know what he’s like,” I snapped.

“You may think you do, but his kind-”

“His kind?” My face turned beet red out of anger. “Don’t you mean my kind, Mum? Because if you’re saying his kind isn’t trustworthy then you’re saying that about me too. I am one of them.”

“Sweetheart, you know I didn’t mean it like that,” she said in an attempt to placate me. “I only what you to watch yourself around him. You’re different.”

“No I’m not!” I burst out in anger again. “I’m just like him, just like all of them. I’m a werewolf and you better admit that to yourself before you die of the shame.”

She paled and I remembered that we’d never said that word before. Everything was always ‘the disease’ or ‘the curse’. Never werewolf. I hated the word, but I’d use it against her.

“Ana-”

“Dad, back me up here!”

Mum and I both turned to Dad and he stared at us. “I think this whole conversation has gotten out of control,” he said slowly. “Perhaps both of you ought to-”

“No!” I was putting my foot down. This was how it had been over the summer, hushing it up and all kinds of denial. Only I’d taken part in it over the summer. I’d encouraged it. “I’m a werewolf. A half breed monster. I’m just like all of them and they’re just like me. Got that?”

I’d never spoken to them so rudely before. Usually we got along well enough. I just couldn’t handle pretending anymore.

I stomped up to my room wanting to be out of this house already. Home less than an hour and it had already been ruined. Maybe I would take James and Lily up on their offer to visit sometime. If Mum was going to be home all of break I’d need to get out of the house.

I curled up in bed under the blankets and pulled a pillow over my head. If they came to talk to me again I didn’t want to hear it. They couldn’t think awful things of Remus for being a w- for being cursed and then be fine with me. It didn’t work that way.

Somewhere in their brains, deep down, they felt the same way about me. That I was an untrustworthy monster. It wasn’t their fault, just the way we were all raised to think. I’d been the same way a year ago.

And who knew, maybe they were right.


	16. Potter Residence

I received an owl from Remus a week before the full moon, a week before Christmas. It didn’t say much mostly that he missed me and he was sorry my Christmas was ruined.

I was annoyed that it had to be on Christmas day itself, but not too upset. I wasn’t a child anymore, Christmas didn’t mean that much to me. Mostly I was just using it as a reason to be upset.

I shouldn’t even have known that this Christmas fell on the full moon. And if I did happen to notice it shouldn’t bother me or affect my life. But it did. I ended up having to spend Christmas week in the Healing center for lycanthropy under observation.

The Healers there weren’t as kind as Madam Pomfrey, nor did they care much about me. They stood in silence around my bed and took notes, like I was some kind of lab rat instead of a real person.

Things between me and my mother were stiff and awkward, but we ignored it. She said nothing more of my condition and I didn’t bring the subject up.

Privately, I was more than a little ashamed of my outburst. I shouldn’t have yelled at my mother like that, even if it was deserved. She was still my mum. She only wanted what was best for me.

It wasn’t her fault I had wound up like this.

On Christmas Eve I decided to write Remus back. I had promised, after all. My mother was discussing something with the Healers that neither I nor my father particularly cared about so he was sitting beside my bed.

“Dad?” I asked hesitantly. “Can I go visit a friend’s house next week?” I wasn’t sure of what his answer would be and held my breath.

“Is this that Remus friend?” Dad asked, a small frown on his face.

I shook my head, not that it should matter. “James Potter. My friend Lily will be there and a couple other people. It’s just a group of us hanging out.”

He still seemed unconvinced. “Are you certain you’ll be up for apparating? It’s not that long after the full moon. Maybe you should just stay home and rest until school starts.”

I sighed and leaned back against my pillows. “I only get three days off at Hogwarts, Dad. I’ll be fine by the time I go over there.”

After a long moment he nodded and a sense of relief filled my body. “Alright then. You know what’s best. Just- do be careful.”

“Always.” I gave him a peck on the cheek and went back to my letter. I let Remus know that anytime would be fine as long as it was three days after the full moon, which he probably already knew being as he suffered the same.

And I was always careful, now at least. I wish I’d been careful six months ago when it mattered more, but I was now.

The night drew on and my exhaustion began to set in. I looked out the window at the dark night sky and the moon shone clearly, almost a perfect circle. I hated the moon growing larger. The nights without a moon at all were my favorite now.

I tried not to think of what I’d be doing in less than twenty four hours, on Christmas itself. I didn’t want to turn into that monster, not on Christmas, not ever. But nothing could stop it.

I was drifting in my own thoughts, my eyes half closed. Too near sleep to really be thinking straight, but not so close that I wasn’t aware.

That was when I felt the lips press gently against my forehead. I didn’t open my eyes because I was too tired, but I heard my father’s voice. “Merry Christmas,” he whispered.

 

The days after the full moon were harder than usual. At Hogwarts I had Remus to keep me company and Madam Pomfrey who, though strict and rather severe, was also kind and treated me like I had feelings.

The Healers at the lycanthropy center hardly spoke to me and having my parents around wasn’t exactly the same as Remus. As much as they tried, they couldn’t understand. Not even close.

But Remus did.

That was one of the reasons I was so eager to go see him on Thursday. By the time Thursday came around I was desperate to get out of my house. Things between me and my mother were tense and Dad was too much like me to be a peacekeeper between us.

So when I apparated to James’s street I felt an immediate sense of relief.

Until I saw his house.

It was huge. Bigger than huge, even. A mansion like none I’d ever seen. I couldn’t believe just one family lived there. My parents were wealthy and from good pureblood descent, but the Potters were something different entirely.

Someone grabbed my arm and I flinched, jerked my arm away instinctually.

Lily stood there, something I couldn’t quite pin down in her eyes. “Do you see this?” She asked, sounding more than a bit frantic. “I can’t go in there. His mum’s going to hate me. I’m muggleborn and we don’t have any money and she’s going to take one look at me and realize I’m not good enough for her son.”

“If she thinks that then she’s an idiot,” I said. “Besides, if you don’t come in then I’m not going to either and the boys will be disappointed.”

“Alright,” Lily said and then gave me a closer look. “You okay? You look kind of like you’ve been sick again.”

I tensed in fear. This was supposed to be my month off from any questions or lies about the full moon. “Just stress, family you know?”

Lily seemed to accept this answer readily enough and we walked up to the Potter’s front door. She hesitantly knocked and we waited.

There was a sudden crash and a shriek and then the door opened to reveal Sirius grinning wolfishly at us. Or at least at Lily, he wasn’t looking at me. “Hullo,” he said. “Welcome to James’s humble abode.”

Patter Manor was slightly less intimidating on the inside, although everything around us screamed old money, and lots of it. It at least had a warm atmosphere that felt comfortable and lived in, unlike some of the pureblood households I visited with my family over the years.

James stumbled down the steps with Remus and Peter trailing behind him and beamed at Lily. She smiled shyly back, although still shrouded in an aura of nervousness.

“So your mum is…?” Lily asked, somewhat unsure of herself.

“Work,” James said shortly. “She’ll be back for dinner. We can go upstairs to my room. That’s where we all were before.”

Lily and I both nodded and followed the boys up the steps. James room was the first on the left at the top of the stairwell, although the hall extended much further on. None of the boys so much as glanced anywhere else and I assumed they’d all been here many times before.

“My room,” James said when Lily and I came in. “Kind of anticlimactic, huh?”

It was a large room, nearly twice the size of mine and mine was pretty decent sized. It was decorated in the crimson and gold of Gryffindor, but there were posters covering the walls of various Quidditch teams.

James drew Lily in for a kiss, I supposed forgetting the rest of us were there, and we all looked away awkwardly. Sirius coughed. Loudly. “Er- we’re going to-” He began, but James showed no signs of hearing him so Sirius just shrugged and left.

I followed, not wanting to be around James and Lily when they hit full on public displays of affection. We went into another room just a few doors down and I couldn’t help looking around even if it was a bit prying.

This room was more muted than James’s and although clearly someone slept there, more sparse. There weren’t posters or photographs on the walls and the shelves and dresser tops remained mostly empty. There was one picture in a silver frame of two young boys playing together, both with shaggy dark hair.

I leaned in to look closer, but Sirius’s voice startled me. “You want to leave that alone?” He snapped. I turned and noticed his face was calmer than his tone.

“Sorry,” I muttered, backing away.

“Me and my brother,” Sirius explained after a brief pause. “When we were kids.”

I nodded. I’d forgotten that Sirius had a younger brother, if I ever knew to begin with. “I didn’t know,” I said. There must be some story there since Sirius had left his home, but I didn’t ask.

“Yeah, well if we’re done going on about my family?” He asked.

“Sorry,” I said again.

The boys put on the radio and started flipping through some of Sirius’s magazines while I sat gingerly on a chair, waiting and hoping James and Lily would come back soon.

It was awkward to be in Sirius’s bedroom. I’d never been to the boys’ dormitory before so just hanging around in the room where he lived and slept felt like invading his privacy. This was his space, for all it looked like a guest room.

Remus wound up leaning against the wall beside me. “Sorry about Christmas.” He spoke so quietly that it was barely audible over the sound of the wizard rock Sirius was playing. “Sucked that it ruined the holidays. Not all of them will be like that.”

I nodded, glad for his words of reassurance. “But they will be different.”

I still felt different from the full moon. Tired and sick a few days around it, hungrier, even my body had changed to accommodate the curse. I was stronger, with better vision and hearing. Those were some of the strangest, jumping at small noises and be able to hear people speaking under their breath like Remus was now when no one else could.

“Everything changes. It’s all a matter of finding a way to cope.” He shrugged. “You’ll get through it. You’ve dealt with everything so well.”

I glanced away. Maybe it looked like that on the outside, but sometimes it was so hard to keep going. And over the summer I’d almost given up completely, refusing to leave my room or even look outside except when I went to the Healing Center.

“Not really,” I replied. “I’m not- I can’t handle it like you can.”

“I’ve been dealing with this for over a decade and I can barely keep it together sometimes,” Remus said dryly. “You’re doing amazing.”

I blushed at the compliment, even if it wasn’t true. It still felt good to hear that someone thought I was doing something right. “Thanks.” I looked up into Remus’s eyes and for the first time noticed that the hazel was flecked with bits of gold.

It was a symptom of the curse and I hated my own, they looked so out of place in my otherwise dark eyes, but on Remus they looked good. His eyes looked like a work of art, painted by a skilled artist. They didn’t look quite real.

I hadn’t noticed the gold before, perhaps because the full moon had been just a few days ago the coloring was more vivid.

Remus blinked and looked away and I realized I’d been staring. A rosy tinge crossed my cheeks and I kept my gaze down, wringing my hands in my lap. I felt a little queasy and my heart raced, but I pushed it aside. I was just imagining things, embarrassed that Remus had caught me staring at him.

Nothing else.

James and Lily showed up a while later, both looking flushed and with mussed hair. I wasn’t sure exactly what they’d been doing, but I didn’t ask. I didn’t think I’d want to hear their answer.

Lily at least had the good sense to look embarrassed while James couldn’t stop grinning. “So what are you lot up to?” He asked, a casual arm around Lily’s shoulders keeping her by his side.

Sirius balled up a Daily Prophet and threw it at his head. It bounced against the wall more than two feet away, but his point was made. “You invited everyone over and abandoned them for your girlfriend. Clearly we’ve got a lot going on,” Sirius said sarcastically. “No offense, Lily.”

“It was a bit rude to just leave them,” Lily said as she pulled away from James’s arm.

“You seemed like you were a fan of what we were doing, though,” James said with a wide smirk on his face. “I mean correct me if I’m wrong, but you-”

“James! Stop!” Lily shrieked, her face turning even redder. She looked like she wanted to die from embarrassment, although Sirius and Peter only groaned in disgust.

I tried my best to ignore what James had just said.

Remus was the only one thoughtful enough to change the subject for us all. “Dinner, James? Right?”

“Right! Food time! Our House Elf is a brilliant cook like you wouldn’t believe,” James said as he walked out of the room.

Lily trailed behind and grabbed my arm as the boys went downstairs before us. “James gave me a Christmas present! Look!” She pointed around her throat and there was a necklace that hadn’t been there earlier.

It was a deep red stone hanging from a thin silver chain that looked beautiful. It wasn’t exactly Lily’s coloring, but she didn’t seem to care. “It’s a garnet,” she said, beaming at me. “My birthstone! James got me a necklace with my birthstone, isn’t that just so sweet?”

It was and I told her so, although I couldn’t help thinking that James was lucky her birthstone was a garnet instead of a ruby or a diamond. Of course with all of his money that probably wouldn’t have been a problem either.

We finally met the boys down for dinner and James glanced up at us. “We thought you’d gotten lost or something. The house isn’t that big.”

“It nearly is,” Lily replied tartly.

An older woman with dark auburn hair greeted us at the table. I supposed she was Elaine Potter, James’s mother. She was smiling in a kindly way and I couldn’t imagine Lily was still nervous.

Mrs. Potter didn’t have quite the same air as some of the wealthy pureblood families I had met before. She was more like the house; obviously high in stature, but real and genuine.

I liked her on sight.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Potter,” Lily said formally, extending her hand.

“Nonsense! Call me Elaine. Friends’ of James’s are always welcome to visit.” Friends? I glanced over at Lily who was giving James a slight frown.

“Er- actually Mum, this is Lily. Lily Evans.” Mrs. Potter’s eyes lit up with recognition. “Lily’s my girlfriend.”

“I’ve heard a lot about you, Lily.” Lily blushed. “It’s good to see that my son finally grew up and managed to ask you out properly.”

“Mum!” James protested, looking at Lily nervously. “Don’t screw things up.”

“Right, right. I do apologize. Would you all like to come sit at the table? I’m sure Junie will have our food prepared shortly.”

Dinner was a fun affair and Mrs. Potter remained relaxed and joking throughout. She managed to determine how all of our lives were going through school and questions about our family, although she already knew Sirius quite well.

During the meal I noticed Lily quite often fingering the stone at the base of her throat, a small smile gracing her face whenever she did.

I also noticed that James took her hand under the table, out of sight for everyone except me and Sirius who sat on his other side. It was sweet, adorable even and I couldn’t help smiling for my friends. They really were the perfect couple.


	17. Hogsmeade

Going back to Hogwarts was a relief in a way. School was stressful and lying to everyone hard, but dealing with my parents was even worse. The unintentional looks they gave me where I could tell they weren’t sure what to think.

At least the Marauders were sure of what they thought, despite knowing about my secret. And Lily didn’t know, but she was sure as well. It was comforting to have all these people around who accepted me.

Things seemed settled around the school. The first Hogsmeade trip of the new year was the first weekend we arrived back and my Hogsmeade ban had been lifted. Now that I had friends and was more comfortable around Hogwarts, I allowed myself to be excited about it.

I’d never seen Hogsmeade and it was one of the only completely wizarding villages in England. Most of the seventh years seemed casual about it, but Lily was looking forward to going with James.

Apparently, Hogsmeade weekends were dating weekends for the older students.

I wasn’t planning on going on any dates and I certainly wasn’t going to be asked, so I made plans to spend the time with the remaining three marauders.

Remus and Peter joined me that morning for breakfast while Sirius slept in as he so often did on weekends. He was up late on Friday nights for detention, generally. Despite everything he was still determined to hold the record for the most detentions ever by a Hogwarts student in History.

I didn’t pay enough attention to know how well that was going for him, but he sure seemed to spend a lot of time in detention. I still didn’t understand it.

“You’re going to love the village,” Remus said as we finished our breakfast. “All kinds of shops there. Honeydukes is the best, and we’ll have to stop by Zonko’s, of course.”

“And the Three Broomsticks,” Peter added.

Both of the boys looked excited at the prospect of showing me around and it couldn’t help but rub off. “Sounds brilliant.”

We went to wait by the carriages for Sirius who showed up shortly. His hair was still ruffled and unbrushed and he yawned when he saw us. “Too early,” he mumbled as we climbed into thestral drawn carriage. “Not worth it.”

“You could always go back to bed,” Peter suggested.

Sirius shot him a look that I assumed was meant to be a glare, but mostly it just looked tired.

“Or you could give up on the idiot notion that you need to break the detention record.” Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius. “Then you wouldn’t be stuck with double detention nearly every night.”

“Two hundred and thirty seven,” Sirius protested vehemently. “I’ve already nearly a hundred. I’ll be done with plenty of time to study for-” His sentence was broken by a large yawn. “To study for NEWTs,” he finally finished.

“Sure you will,” Remus said dryly. “Just keep me out of it.”

“As you wish,” Sirius said with a bit of shrug. “Durmstrang, Wormy? Any takers?”

I shook my head and kept my gaze down. Sirius was being nicer to me and even acting friendly, but I was still afraid I’d do something to upset him and regress to where we’d been two months before.

Peter also shook his head. “I’ve got NEWTs to think of. Have to start studying now.” He looked a bit green at the prospect and Sirius laughed.

“How can you be thinking of NEWTs already? We’ve got months, even you shouldn’t be worried yet. You can’t be that thick.”

Peter looked more than a little embarrassed and I couldn’t help feeling bad for him. James and Sirius were so naturally brilliant that they didn’t understand everyone else wasn’t necessarily the same way.

“We can go over some of the potions tomorrow,” Remus offered and Peter looked grateful. “You too, Ana. I’ve seen what you and James brew during class.”

He was right. I could stand to work on my potions some more, begin preparing for NEWTs. Sirius scoffed at us, but quieted quicker than usual. It seemed the exhaustion from all the detentions really was taking a toll on him.

The carriage rolled to a stop and we exited. I’d seen the Hogsmeade village before, as the train station was nearby, but I’d never taken in the sight. Now I could see that it really was a picturesque place, looking almost as though it belonged on a postcard.

“You moving?” Sirius asked, and I realized I’d been standing in front of the carriage’s door.

“Sorry,” I muttered, moving away to let him jump down.

We tramped through the snow and towards the shops. The younger students were running around, throwing snowballs at each other and shrieking at the top of their lungs.

So far none of them had hit one of us, but it was only a matter of time. Their aim wasn’t that great.

“Zonko’s first?” Sirius asked. “I’ve run out of practically everything. Need to replenish my supplies.” When none of us disagreed he headed to the shop and we followed.

Inside was bright and noisy, a sharp contrast to the snowy outdoors. I blinked and waited for my overwhelmed senses to adjust, wondering if it was just me or everyone felt this way.

“You okay?” Remus asked quietly and I glanced up at him in surprise, not realizing I’d been so obvious. “It’s a little much, but worth it. Come on.”

He reached out his hand as though to take mine, but didn’t touch me. Instead he held his hand open, waiting for me to take the final step. I hesitantly put my hand in his and he pulled me through the large shop.

As strange as it felt to be holding hands with someone, I was glad to have a guide. Remus didn’t pause at any of the bright displays. We waded through the crowd of students to the side of the shop. It was no less crowded, but a little less intimidating for my senses.

“Better?” He asked. “I thought you might prefer this section since you’re not much of a prankster.”

I nodded and looked over the shelves. They held more laidback products like sugar quills that were meant for personal enjoyment rather than pranks. I smiled gratefully at Remus. “Thanks.”

He just shrugged and watched as I browsed the shelves. There were products I’d never seen before, never even imagined and Remus seemed amused at my enjoyment.

Eventually Sirius signaled to us across the store and we exited into the bitter cold. It was a relief despite the low temperature to get out of the crowded shop. I preferred the cold to a horde of people all pushing through a small space together.

Sirius looked quite pleased with himself and had an armful of assorted boxes and gadgets. I didn’t know what most of them were and I didn’t ask, although I did recognize dungbombs among his purchases.

From there we went to Honeydukes and meandered through some of the other shops before Sirius made a different suggestion. “We should go see the Shrieking Shack.”

Remus furrowed his brow and looked at me worriedly. “I don’t think that’s the best idea.”

“Come on, we’re supposed to be showing her the village and you haven’t seen all there is to see until you’ve been by the Shrieking Shack. Haven’t you heard how haunted it is?” Sirius grinned at me. “What do you say, Durmstrang?”

I glanced between him and Remus and shrugged. Seeing the Shrieking Shack didn’t bother me at all, although I also didn’t understand the appeal. Since I knew it wasn’t haunted there was little reason for me to visit it.

“Well it’s decided then!” Sirius looked pleased at the prospect.

We trekked through the snow in mostly silence. Remus seemed annoyed that Sirius was dragging us out to the place where his monthly transformations took place and Sirius had picked up on this fact and wasn’t antagonizing him anymore.

Peter was the only one not at all concerned with any of this and acted like he hadn’t noticed, complaining instead of the cold and snow. It was more than a little irritating, although I was not one for stating that particular opinion aloud.

We reached the Shack after a fifteen minute walk and it was rather anticlimactic. It looked like a shoddy little building, nothing more. It stood off by itself and looked to be sinking under the snow.

There was a fence to keep students from getting any closer, but I assumed many didn’t heed the warning on bright Saturdays like today.

“Care to get closer?” Sirius asked.

“No,” Remus said shortly. “We’re close enough.”

I wanted to say something to make sure he was okay, but I didn’t know what so I kept my mouth shut.

We stood there for another moment, just looking at the Shrieking Shack.

“Can we go back already? I’m frozen and my boots are soaked through,” Peter whined, stamping his feet against the ground. “We could be getting butterbeers at the Three Broomsticks instead of staring at the stupid old Shack.”

I happened to agree with Peter. The cold didn’t bother me as much since my robes were warm and I was used to Durmstrang which was located further north, but getting butterbeer and sitting in a warm room seemed like a preferable plan.

“We haven’t been to the Three Broomsticks yet,” I said, pushing Peter’s choice.

So we headed back to the main part of the village. The heat from the Three Broomsticks was nearly unbearable at first. I wasn’t the only one hastily shedding my winter cloak in the pub.

“Butterbeers for everyone?” Sirius asked. “I’ll get them.”

He hurried up to the bar and Remus rolled his eyes. “He only fancies a flirt with Rosmerta. Don’t go thinking he’s suddenly decided to be helpful.”

I looked over to where Sirius was standing at the bar and noticed him talking to a pretty, busty barmaid who looked to be in her mid twenties. I assumed that had to be Rosmerta.

When Sirius returned with the butterbeers he was smirking in a rather unattractive, self satisfied way. “Out of your league,” Remus said as he took his drink. “You should drop it before we can’t come here anymore.”

“Show me a girl half as fit and I will.” Sirius glanced at me. “No offense, Durmstrang.”

“None taken.” I wasn’t exactly much of a looker. I wasn’t hideous or anything like that, but I was well aware I was a little plain looking. Not that it mattered to me anymore.

“Besides, you know she likes it. She flirts back.” Sirius defended himself.

The argument with on between all three boys and I excused myself to the loo, although I doubted any of them noticed. Boys tended to be more than a little blind and deaf when pretty girls were involved, especially ones that looked like that Rosmerta.

On my way back to the table I was grabbed by the arm and pulled back. When I lashed out the person had moved, as though in preparation. I turned and saw the Slytherin boy Severus Snape sneering down at me.

“Haugen,” he said coolly.

He’d let go of my arm, but I could still feel the ghost of his grip and I rubbed my arm in the hopes that the feeling would go away. “I’m meeting my friends,” I told him, the same excuse Lily and I had used months ago.

“The Marauders are no one’s friends but their own,” he said distastefully. “You’d do better to stay away from them.”

If that was all he was going to say, I didn’t need to hear it. I was of age and perfectly able to choose my own friends, even if they weren’t the people I was supposed to be close with. I started to walk away, but he stopped me.

“Wait! There’s something else.” He gestured me to move back a little further, away from the crowded pub so no one would overhear. I hesitated for a moment, then followed.

“You need to keep your distance from them,” Snape whispered. “They’re not a good influence.”

I couldn’t help rolling my eyes. He sounded like my mother. “If that’s it-”

“No!” He grabbed my arm again and I jerked it back. He only shook his head. “You’re a pureblood witch from a good family. I’m trying to help you here. A little gratitude would be nice.”

I kept my expression cool, but more than anything I just wanted to get back to Remus and the others.

“You should go to Avery, or Regulus Black even. He’s a spineless thing, but he has a good name. Anyone would be better than that lot. You don’t even know how bad they are.” His eyes were wide and serious. Though I wasn’t going to leave my friends, I believed Snape believed what he was saying.

“What about them makes them so awful?” I asked out of curiosity and politeness.

He drew even nearer to me and lowered his voice more. “You don’t understand how crucial this is for your name. You can’t be associated with them, especially that filthy halfbreed.”

I froze at the word and my eyes widened in fear. Halfbreed. He’d called Remus a halfbreed. Not a halfblood, a halfbreed. He knew. He knew what Remus was and he could know what I was just as easily. Dumbledore had promised my secret would be safe if I kept to the rules, but that wasn’t true at all.

“See? You should be afraid of him. He’s a monster.” Snape misinterpreted my fear, but it didn’t matter. “I’m telling you this for your own good. Don’t forget you owe me.”

“I need- I have to-” I stumbled over my words and moved away from Snape without finishing the thought. My mind was racing. I couldn’t create a coherent train of thought. Snape knew. But not about me. But he knew. And Remus-

I somehow managed to get back to the table, but I couldn’t remember how. Sirius and Remus looked at me with concern. “Ana? What happened? Everything alright?”

“You look like you’ve just learned how the Bloody Baron died,” Sirius quipped.

I ignored him. “I can’t- This isn’t- I’m going.” I muddled my way through my words. “Back to the castle.”

Remus’s brow furrowed further and he stood immediately. “I’ll go with you.”

“No!” I cringed at how emotional my words sounded. “I mean, no. I’ll be better on my own. Studying, work. NEWTs.” I was rambling, I didn’t quite know what I was saying anymore. All I did know was that I had to get away from Remus and stop spending time with him before someone started putting the puzzle together.

Someone like Snape who already knew about Remus.

Snape didn’t even have many dealings with the Marauders. If he knew then who else did? He couldn’t be the only one. There would be others.

I made my way out of the pub without another word to the boys and down the snowy street. I still wasn’t making much sense in my head, but now I had a goal, a destination. I could figure things out better once I reached Hogwarts. Until then all I had to do was focus on getting there.

I half fell into one of the carriages that was waiting for any students who wished to return early and leaned my head against the side, grateful for the chance to rest.

But it didn’t last long because Remus leapt in just as it began moving. He sat in the seat across from mine looking worried. “I wasn’t just going to leave you,” he explained. “You seemed upset. Like you might need someone. What happened?”

“You said they were the only people who knew,” I burst out. “James and Sirius and Peter. I thought they were the only ones. I thought I’d be safe.”

Remus’s mouth dropped open in shock. “What? Who knows?”

“That boy from Slytherin, the one who hates you lot so much. Severus Snape.” I was breathing hard, unable to really catch my breath. “He knows and he could find out about me too.”

“He told you?” Remus asked.

I stared at him. “You knew? How could you know and not tell me? Your friends know, he knows, who else knows? Or if it’s easier, who doesn’t know yet?” I was too angry and letting my temper get the better of me though it so rarely did.

He sighed. “It’s not like that, Ana. He won’t tell anyone.” That was a lie if I ever heard one.

“He told me.”

Remus did look a bit perturbed by this. “He shouldn’t have said anything. I’ll talk to Dumbledore-”

“If he pays half a bit of attention to me, he’ll know by the end of second term,” I said. I couldn’t take that chance. Snape could ‘accidentally’ let it slip to the entire school without even half trying.

If anyone else knew they could make the same connection. Being around Remus just made everything that much more obvious.

“Ana, I can promise you he won’t say anything. Dumbledore will see to that.” He sounded sincere and I shakily nodded, wiping at the tears that had formed in my eyes due to the panic. “I promise.”

“He’s the only other one?” I asked, my voice betraying my emotions. “Who knows?” Remus didn’t answer immediately. That was how I knew there was more. “Tell me. I have to know.”

“Lily,” he said finally. “I don’t know for sure, but- she’s Lily. And sometime around fifth year she started taking more notice. When we were prefects together.”

I frowned. Lily was perhaps my closest friend besides Remus. But she still seemed friendly with him. Maybe she was like the Marauders and didn’t care, she was muggleborn after all.

“But she’s Lily. You know she doesn’t put up with any kind of prejudice. She’d be the first to petition the Ministry if they tried to expel us.” I nodded, although I couldn’t get my hands to stop shaking despite the heating spells in the carriage. “You’re okay, you know that? I won’t let anything happen.”

Remus put his hands over mind, the warmth from his sending goosebumps down my arms. “You’re practically frozen,” he said, sounding worried.

I figured it was more from the icy fear than the temperature outside, but i was happy to let Remus think we’d just been outside too long. He ushered me into the castle as the snow began to fall again outside and I paused at the doors.

Nature wasn’t something I enjoyed much anymore, it always reminded of that night. But snow was still something I loved. It was so cold it sometimes stung my skin. But today was a softer snow, full and fluffy flakes.

“Aren’t you coming in?” Remus asked, rubbing his hands at the entrance. “You’ll make yourself sick.”

I just smiled, letting the panic ebb away. “It’s pretty. Can’t you enjoy the pretty for just a moment?”

He took a few steps to join me out from under the castle’s cover and looked up at the falling snow. “You never struck me as the snow loving type,” Remus commented.

I shrugged. It was hard not to be, I spent most of my life with white winters and Christmases. It felt like home. And it was pretty. Much better to think about snow than all my problems.

“You know things will be alright,” Remus said quietly. “You don’t have to worry.”

I glanced up at him to nod and realized how close we were standing, mere inches. We stood, frozen still for a moment like that before he leaned in and softly pressed his lips against mine.

It was a heat shock in the frigid air until he drew away after only a moment. He searched my eyes for a moment looking anxious. “We should go in before- before you get too cold.”

I nodded and ducked my head, a deep blush spreading over my cheeks.

I wasn’t exactly sure what that was, but I knew I enjoyed it.


	18. Confusion

Remus didn’t try kissing me again that afternoon, but when we reached the common room he took my hand as we settled into the large crimson sofa. I could feel his thumb tracing circles around my palm and it sent shivers coursing down my spine like an electric touch.

We stayed that way for the rest of the afternoon, not really talking or touching, only linked through our hands.

When the other Marauders and Lily returned I expected Remus to let go of my hand, but instead he held fast. Sirius raised an eyebrow when he saw us, but didn’t comment. My face turned steadily darker shades of pink and then red when the others noticed.

“Moony, Ana,” James said as a smirk settled over his face. “You two seem awfully cozy.”

I tugged my hand out of Remus’s grip and shifted so I wasn’t sitting quite so close to him.

“Oh please, don’t move on our account,” Lily said, smacking her boyfriend in the arm. “He doesn’t mean anything by it.” I nodded, although my face had yet to grow any shades lighter. I could feel it burning.

“So does this mean your exit was all ploy to spend some time alone?” Sirius demanded. “Because you could’ve just asked. I understand physical needs.”

I hadn’t thought it possible, but my face turned an even darker crimson. I was sure I was beginning to match the décor in the common room.

Lily finally came to my rescue as I was completely speechless. “Ana and I have to change for dinner. We’re still in our Hogsmeade clothes.” She wrinkled her nose at the thought of remaining in them any longer and though I didn’t care about changing, my heavy winter cloak was a tad warm for the toasty corridors of the Hogwarts castle.

Lily half dragged me up the staircase and the second the door was closed turned on me. “Why didn’t you tell me you fancied Remus?” She asked, her voice raising an octave in excitement. “I could have told you he fancied you back weeks ago!”

“I didn’t- I mean I don’t- friends-” It was difficult enough forming coherent thoughts in my head, let alone saying them out loud. Everything had happened so quickly. Snape, the carriage ride, the snow.

The kiss.

The handholding.

That wasn’t just friendly behavior, especially not from a guy like Remus. He didn’t seem the type to mess around with girls for his own enjoyment. In fact, I hadn’t seen him with a single girl since September.

“Are you alright?” Lily asked. It was about the fifth time I’d gotten that question today and I never seemed to have a good answer for it. “You look a tad- shell shocked.”

I nodded. That was one way to describe it. “I just- Remus and I are friends.”

Lily looked at me with something akin to pity. “Honey, I think you and Remus are a little bit more than friends now.” I blinked at that. It was true, although what I wasn’t quite sure what we were now. “Why don’t we get you out of your cloak?”

I was being babied and I knew it, although I wasn’t going to argue. Sometimes it was good to have someone mother you and Lily was the perfect someone for the job.

She helped me pull off my cloak and stockings and into some of my plainer school robes. It was a relief to warm up and cool off at the same time, reaching a more comfortable overall temperature. Lily changed herself and hopped on her bed.

“Tell me what happened.”

“I don’t-” I wasn’t sure how to put everything into words. It had all happened so fast. I couldn’t really make sense of it on my own, although perhaps Lily could help with that.

“Just start at the beginning. What made you so upset?”

I thought back to Snape and how I wasn’t even concerned about that anymore. I could deal with that later, Remus was more important now. Did that just make me another idiot teenage girl swooning over some bloke?

“I- It was an overreaction,” I said slowly. I couldn’t explain the situation to Lily even if she did know about Remus and maybe even me like he’d said. “He- Remus followed me when I left. And we took a carriage back- back to the castle.”

I was still only about half coherent and stumbling over my words, but at least I was beginning to make more sense.

“And then?” Lily prodded, pushing for more.

“We got out and he said I was cold, but we stood outside look at the snow for a bit.” I blushed. “And then he kissed me.” I glanced over at Lily and she was just barely managing to contain a massive.

“Oh Ana, that’s so brilliant! Now you and Remus and James and I can double date! We’ll all be couples.” The words made me nauseous and for a moment I couldn’t think of why.

Then it hit me.

I wasn’t supposed to date or have boyfriends. Ever. That was one of the conditions of my lycanthropy. I could have friends, maybe, but no significant others. That was just understood as part of the disease. It was the first time I’d forgotten about my curse since I was bitten in June.

“I- I can’t,” I said, my voice shaking. “I can’t. I just can’t.” I felt like I was going to hurl, but I managed to keep everything down, perhaps because the full moon was nowhere near.

The smile dropped off Lily’s face. “Why not?”

I shook my head. I couldn’t tell her. But it was Remus. If there was ever going to be an exception to that rule it would be Remus. He was just so- Remus.

“Oh come here.” Lily grabbed my arm and before I had time to flinch away, she dragged me into the bathroom and in front of the full sized mirror. “Look at that, look at your face right now.”

I obeyed and looked at my face in the mirror. It looked perfectly normal- all except for one corner of my mouth which was tugged up in a goofy sort of half grin. The moment I noticed it the grin vanished and I smoothed my hand over my face, erasing any trace of it.

“See?” She asked, letting go of my arm. “You like him.”

I shrugged. I couldn’t exactly lie about that. I hadn’t thought about it before, but since the kiss I knew. It was hard not to know when the kiss felt like that.

Lily sighed. “Let’s just go down to dinner. It’s about time anyway.”

I nodded and we met the boys in the Great Hall. Remus sat across from me at the Gryffindor table and I could hardly look at him without blushing. It didn’t help that throughout the meal his knee was gently pressed against my own.

The conversation throughout the meal was awkward and stilted, or maybe it just felt that way to me because I was having difficulty speaking. Despite everything Remus seemed calm and put together.

His voice was low and steady every time he spoke and my stomach kept doing flips each time I heard it no matter how much I tried to settle it down.

After the meal Remus took my hand again. And I let him.

For once it wasn’t to go along with the path of least resistance, but instead because I liked it. My hand in his felt warm and protected in his and for now I was willing to ignore everything else just to be with him.

 

Things with Remus were easy, surprisingly so. I continued having to squash my feelings that I shouldn’t be in a relationship, not with what I was, but I said nothing to Remus. I assumed he struggled with similar concerns. Everyone had said he didn’t spend much time with girls, but he always seemed calm and relaxed, like this was nothing to keep him up at nights like it did me.

He continued to take things slow. He hadn’t kissed me since that first time in the snow and he didn’t treat me the way James did Lily, not that there were any other guys in existence that treated their girlfriend the way James did Lily.

The problem with Remus was that I wasn’t even sure I was his girlfriend most of the time. He still treated me mostly the same as before. Only now he spent most of the time holding my hand.

It was more confusing than anything, although I didn’t say anything to Lily for fear of her thinking me an idiot. I kept all my thoughts to myself.

At Gryffindor Quidditch practice one evening about a week before the full moon the five of us sat talking while James barked orders at the rest of the team. Remus was stroking the back of my hand softly in movements so small that I was sure no one else noticed.

“I really don’t think it’s such a good idea,” Lily said hesitantly. “I do wish James would listen to some kind of reason.”

“It’ll be fun,” Peter said without taking his eyes off the sky. “Just loosen up.”

“Loosen up?” Lily snapped. “We’re the Head Boy, Head Girl, and one of Gryffindors seventh year prefects. They could take all our badges for throwing a party like this. And we don’t even have somewhere to throw it.”

“He wants to throw you a birthday party,” Remus said tiredly. “Why don’t you just let him?”

“And not just you,” Sirius added. “Pete’s birthday is a bit before yours and Durmstrang’s just a week later. Three way party. It’ll be fun.”

Lily huffed in a rather annoyed manner. “Well we still have nowhere to throw it. McGonagall would shut something like that down in a minute if it was in the common room.

Remus and Sirius shared a quick look. “Leave that up to us,” Sirius said. “We’ve got a few ideas.”

“Ana?” Lily asked. “Back me up?”

I shrugged. I didn’t really want to disagree with Remus, or any of the Marauders for that matter. I wasn’t really a partying person, but something like this with all my friends might not be too bad. “It might be fun,” I said carefully.

Lily rolled her eyes. “You’ve been together for a week and already she’s been converted to your ways,” she remarked dryly, although there was no malice present in her voice.

James flew down during a break with his team to see his girlfriend rather annoyed with the lot of us. He ignored that and gave her a peck on the lips anyway. “So did you manage to change her mind about the party?” He asked us.

Lily pursed her lips. “Fine. You can have your party if you really want to that bad.”

“Technically it’s your party, Lily Flower,” James said, using one of his gooey nicknames for her. “Well, yours and Peter’s and Ana’s, anyway.”

“If I lose my badge for this-”

James only leaned in and kissed her again. I blushed, ducking my head so I couldn’t watch them anymore. It was too awkward, especially when I was wondering why Remus didn’t kiss me like that. I felt Remus’s hand tighten a bit on mine, but didn’t look at him.

“If we get caught I’ll tell McGonagall I gave you a mind altering potion without your knowledge.” He glanced at the pitch and made a face. “Gotta fly,” he muttered, jogging back to where his team was reconvening.

Lily frowned at us. “Just keep it a small party, alright? Not a ridiculous number of people.”

Sirius only laughed in response and I had a feeling that there would be nothing small about this event.

 

The full moon that month was as bad as it had been since school began. I spent the day after only half conscious with a high fever. Madam Pomfrey fretted over me, although eventually decided she’d given me all the potions she was able and left me to fight off the fever on my own.

The actual fever itself wasn’t so bad, but it worsened the occasional nightmares of the night I was attacked.

As I woke up from one of my feverish dreams that night I felt another warm body pressed against me in bed. Remus stroked my face softly, watching me with worried eyes. “Are you- Is this- okay?” He asked, his voice soft as he stuttered through his words.

I rested my head against him, feeling safer in his arms though my nightmare had ended only moments ago.

He tensed, then slowly reached his arms around me to hug me tight to his chest.


	19. Different

Remus didn’t mention that night again, but I could see it in his eyes when he looked at me. Like there was something he wanted to say, but couldn’t or wouldn’t.

I was grateful that he hadn’t asked any questions, though. I wasn’t quite ready to talk about that with him yet.

As the party drew nearer, the first Saturday in February to accommodate the full moon, the plans grew wilder and wilder. At one point James suggested we invite the entire school above third year, minus the Slytherins. Lily would have shut that one down, but she refused to take part in any of the party planning.

We did talk James and Sirius out of that one, although they insisted on inviting all the seventh years and a few sixth years, except for, again, the Slytherins. I would have argued against their prejudice, but from my experience with the Slytherins I was glad they wouldn’t be joining us.

“But where will the party be?” I asked on the night before. They still hadn’t shared this bit of information with me. I couldn’t think of a room in the entire castle that could hold a party like the one they were planning and not get caught by the professors.

James smirked. “Just let us take care of that.”

“And what about drinks?”

Sirius shrugged. “I can go pick some up tomorrow.”

I stared at him. It wasn’t a Hogsmeade weekend. How on Earth was he going to pick up several cases of butterbeer without leaving the Hogwarts grounds?

He laughed. “Close your mouth, you’ll swallow a load of nargles. If you want you can come with me, Durmstrang. Could use an extra wand to help bring it all back.”

I hesitated for a moment. I hadn’t been alone with Sirius before, even though he was now treating me like a friend. “Alright,” I said, although I still wasn’t sure. “Will we-” I nearly asked if we were going to be breaking any school rules, then thought better of it. These were the Marauders we were talking about. Everything over the next day was breaking some sort of rule. What was one more?

When I finally went to bed that night it was well past midnight, but Lily was still reading by wand light in her bed. She looked at me. “Well? What’s the damage going to be?”

I shrugged. I honestly didn’t know. I was there for the planning, but mostly I just sat there quietly. I didn’t know what they’d done on their own. “It won’t be too bad,” I assured Lily.

She rolled her eyes like she knew I was lying. “Oh well, it’s only one night, isn’t it? It can’t go too badly.” Lily sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than me, but I nodded along anyway.

A grunt from Maggie’s bed shut us up and I crawled into my own. “It’ll be fine,” she said once more.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to force away any negative thoughts. “Night Lily.”

I heard her sigh. “Goodnight.”

 

I met up with Sirius at noon, though why so early I didn’t know. The party didn’t begin until evening. Sirius yawned as he waited for me in the common room, looking as though he’d just woken up for the day. “Mornin’ Durmstrang” he greeted sleepily.

“Not morning anymore.”

Sirius scowled at me. “Well aren’t you just brilliant at telling time,” he said sarcastically. “Why did I invite you again?”

I shrugged.

“Certainly wasn’t for your charming personality,” he muttered.

I didn’t say anything and we headed down the corridors, turning this way and that until it was only by luck that I realized we were on the third floor. Sirius held up a hand and pulled out a bit of parchment. “I solemnly swear I’m up to no good.”

I rolled my eyes. “What are you-” My words dropped off when I realized the map was filling with ink and moving text.

Sirius flipped through it until he found what he wanted. “Dumbledore in his office, McGonagall the Great Hall, Filch the second floor, and Mrs. Norris…hmm where is that annoying cat?”

“Uh…” I stared at the cat whose tail flicked back and forth right ahead of us. “Sirius?”

He glanced up and scowled at the cat. “Damn it,” he muttered, folding up the map and sticking it in his back pocket. “Come on.” He hurried down the corridor and took another turn until we were standing in front of the statue of an old one-eyed, humpbacked witch.

“Durmstrang, meet my good friend Gunhilda. She’s helped me get to Hogsmeade many a time.” I opened my mouth to ask what he was talking about, but he tapped her hump with his wand. “Dissendium.”

She began to swing open slowly until a long dark passageway was revealed. I stared in shock. Durmstrang hadn’t had anything like this. It was just a castle. Hogwarts, it seemed, was a mystery.

“Well come on, then,” Sirius said impatiently. “Mrs. Norris will have told Filch and he’ll be here in five minutes, so unless you want to get caught…” He left the warning hanging in the air and I hurried into the passageway after him.

The old witch’s statue shut behind us and I blinked at the sudden darkness. “Lumos.”

“Watch your head,” Sirius warned and I noticed he was standing at a slightly odd angle. I glanced up and pointed my wand at the ceiling, surprised to see it was inches from my head.

The tunnel, because that’s what I had to call it, was earthy and cramped. It smelled deeply of dirt and I thanked Merlin I wasn’t in anyway claustrophobic. We started walking in silence although it grew tiring after quite some time.

“How long is the walk?” I asked, hoping we were getting close, although Hogsmeade was quite some ways a way if that was where we were really going.

“Hour and a half,” Sirius said with a shrug. “Maybe two if you keep walking like that.” I quickened my pace to match his and we continued along.

“What-” My voice came out as little more than a squeak as I started to pose my question so I cleared my throat.

“Hacking up some phlegm, Durmstrang?” Sirius quipped.

“No, I just-” I didn’t know how to phrase what I was going to ask. I’d been curious for months now, but Sirius hadn’t said anything. I just needed to know. “What changed your mind?”

“I change my mind on a daily basis, you’re going to have to be a little more specific.” He laughed, obviously not realizing what I was asking. I wanted to have a serious conversation, I wished he wouldn’t take everything quite so lightly.

“About me. That night- after the Ravenclaw match- you said you didn’t hate me.” I gulped. It was a lot more nerve wracking to ask than I’d anticipated, but I’d gone too far to back down now. “What changed?”

He was silent for so long that I thought he’d either forgotten I had asked anything at all or was just ignoring the question. If that was the case I wasn’t going to ask again. I’d tried, at least. It wasn’t something else I had to stick on my list of things I’d chickened out of.

“Nothing,” Sirius said finally. “You were friends with my friends. Didn’t have a choice.”

I frowned. That didn’t seem right. Remus had been trying to get him to accept me for weeks before the match, weeks before the day he found out. “It wasn’t that,” I said without thinking first.

“Who are you to question my reasons?” Sirius snapped. “If I said that was why, then that was why.”

I nodded, forgetting he couldn’t see me, and muttered, “Sorry.”

I hadn’t meant to anger him, although I should have kept my mouth shut at the end there. I’d only wanted to know.

We continued down the path a ways further before Sirius sighed. “That wasn’t it,” he said quietly, almost so I couldn’t hear him.

I kept my mouth shut this time, not wanting to ruin it or say something to keep him from telling me.

“I- you-” He swore. “Merlin, now I sound like you stuttering like a fool.” I turned red, although I knew he hadn’t meant it as an insult. “No offense, of course.”

“Of course,” I echoed softly, taking care not to stutter that time.

“That night- we knew. We knew already, after you’d missed that day in class. We were idiots to not figure it out sooner what with you always missing the same days as Remus, but- we knew then. That’s all that mattered.”

I nodded, once again forgetting that since he was ahead of my in the dark tunnel he wouldn’t see my response.

“Anyway, I wanted to see it for myself. I just- I don’t know why. I had to see it. So I followed you.”

“But I didn’t see you,” I burst out in surprise.

“I was under the cloak,” Sirius said impatiently. “You wouldn’t have.”

“Oh.”

“Right, now if we can move on?” I didn’t respond and he continued. “I dunno what I expected. I mean I knew about Remus, but for some reason with you- maybe it’s because you’re a girl or something. I really dunno. But it seemed different than with Remus somehow.”

I wanted to say something, but I didn’t think he was done. He sounded like he was still trailing off his sentences, trying to find the right words to use.

“I was there when you transformed that night. Outside, I couldn’t- couldn’t see.” He took a deep breath. “I heard you scream. When it happened. It just- it went on and on until it turned into howls of pain-”

“Stop!” I covered my ears with my hands.

I couldn’t bear to hear anymore description of what I went through, what I turned into. I hated to think of myself as that beast, like it and I were somehow connected because I so badly didn’t want us to be.

I had knelt to the ground without realizing and Sirius had to pace back a few steps. “Are you- gonna be okay?” He asked.

I nodded and slowly removed my hands from my ears, embarrassed by my childish reaction. “I- sorry.”

He shrugged.

“So that night-” I started to ask.

Sirius cut me off. “That’s all I’m going to say about it. I’m not a girl, I don’t need to talk about my feelings all the time or anything.”

I frowned at the remark. No wonder he didn’t have girls flocking around him all the time. He was a bit daft about them. “Why’d you still treat me the same the next day? Like you hated me?” I demanded.

“I don’t know.”

“Why didn’t things change immediately?”

“I don’t know-”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I don’t know! Merlin, stop asking me all these questions. Don’t you get it, I don’t have the answers, Ana!” He paused suddenly. “Damn it, Durmstrang.”

A small smile crept over my lips. That was the first time since I’d met him that he hadn’t called me Durmstrang, even if he’d corrected himself a moment after. “You have to have some answers,” I said.

“We’re both- We come from similar backgrounds,” he said finally. “I don’t- I really don’t know. You went to Durmstrang, my parents are raging lunatics about blood purity. But you’re not that. You- you’re more like me.”

Like him? I wasn’t sure what to take from that, if it was a complement or if I should be offended. With Sirius it was sometimes difficult to tell. “Like you?” I asked, trying to keep all emotion from my voice.

“Yeah, like me.” He ran his fingers through his shaggy black hair. “You’re from there, but you don’t really belong, not anymore at least. You- we’re outsiders. We aren’t a part of them anymore.”

That made sense. I’d never thought about it like that before, thought about the pureblood society as somewhere I could no longer belong, but it was true. It was why I’d had to leave Durmstrang in the first place and come to Hogwarts.

“So I’m different from the rest of them after all?” I asked, remembering almost the first words he’d spoken to me on my first train ride.

“Maybe just a little,” he admitted teasingly. “You know, you’re not so bad, Durmstrang.”

I smiled a little at the nickname and we started walking again. “Are you ever going to stop calling me that?”

“Never.” I could practically hear the smirk on his face.

“But you called me Ana before.” I didn’t care, but it was amusing to poke fun at him a bit, now that we were friends.

“If you ever admit that to anyone I’ll deny it with every last breath in my body,” Sirius swore. That startled a laugh out of me. Sirius really was funny when he was around people he liked and felt comfortable with. “In fact, if you ever tell anyone about this conversation I’ll deny it. Even Remus. Especially Remus.”

I nodded. That seemed fair enough. “Alright,” I agreed.

“Stairs,” he said suddenly and began rising as he walked.

I shone my wand light at them and then up as high as I could see, but the stairs seemed to extend indefinitely. For once I was grateful for the extra strength I had gained. If I’d tried to make this trek a year ago I wouldn’t have made it, or I’d have been dead on my feet if I had. Now all I felt was a little exhaustion, but nothing unbearable.

After what seemed like an eternity Sirius screeched in pain after a soft thump. I immediately stopped where I was on the stairs. “You alright?” I asked hesitantly. If he was injured I didn’t know how I was going to get him back to the castle.

“Every time,” he muttered and crawled up.

I looked up to see a trapdoor had been opened and I smiled a little to myself. He must have bumped his head against it. I joined him and noted that we were in a small dark room, possibly a cellar of some kind.

“Honeydukes,” Sirius said as he saw me looking around. “Their basement. Pretty cool, right?”

I shrugged. It felt weird to be in their basement, like I was trespassing or something. I’d feel a lot better when we got back to the castle, I decided. We walked to the Three Broomsticks to pick up the butteerbeer from Madam Rosmerta.

“You again?” She asked with a raised eyebrow. “Don’t tell me you snuck out of Hogwarts again.”

Sirius grinned at her. “’Course not. Special permission.”

“I’ll bet,” she said. She levitated several cases of butterbeer towards us and my eyes widened at the amount.

“Are you sure we need that much?” I asked in surprise. There was no way the number of students we’d agreed to invite could drink that much. Sirius just smirked. I’d had a suspicion they decided to invite more students without telling me. At least now it was confirmed.

“Well I don’t know how you do it, but try not to get caught. I’d hate to have my favorite student get banned from Hogsmeade for the rest of the year.” Rosmerta winked at me as she said this and I knew she was just saying for Sirius’s benefit.

I figured he did too as he smirked at her. “No worries. I’m like a feather in the wind,” he said dramatically, waving his arms in a wind-like fashion. He was kidding, or at least I hoped he was because he sounded, not to mention looked, absolutely ridiculous.

But nevertheless Rosmert laughed and flicked her cleaning cloth at him. “Oh, get! The both of you. I’ll not have my pub get in any kind of trouble for your foolishness.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Sirius bowed and pretended as though he was tipping an invisible hat. “You heard the lady, Durmstrang. Let’s get.”

We levitated the crates behind us as we headed back to Honeydukes. There weren’t many customers in the shop, but the woman working at the counter only nodded at Sirius as he walked straight down to the basement.

I frowned, caught in thought. “How many times have you done this?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Dunno. A lot?”

That answered it. He’d probably spent at least half his weekends in Hogsmeade over the years, as well as James, Peter, and Remus too. It was a wonder James had made Head Boy at all.

The walk back seemed even longer if that was possible, but eventually we reached the end. Sirius pulled out the map again and studied it. “Professors are all over the third floor,” he said. His half of the crates dropped on the ground unceremoniously and he sank against the floor. “We’ll have to wait a bit.”

I lowered mine a bit more gently and settled on the ground across from him.

Sirius’s brow furrowed. “Why do you do that?”

“Do what?” I asked, confused. I didn’t have an idea of what he was on about.

“Sit as far from people as possible. You do it when you’re standing too.”

I scowled at him. “Do not.”

“Do too.” I didn’t respond and Sirius groaned. “Come on, I answered all of your questions! It’s not fair.”

I sighed. “I honestly haven’t a clue what you mean. Everyone sits like this.”

Sirius shook his head. “No they don’t. You’re like that with Remus too. And don’t give me that look! Have you seen the way Lily practically sits on James’s when they’re on the Gryffindor sofa together? There’s a few inches of space when you’re sitting by Remus. He’s afraid to touch you almost.”

“He’s- what?” I hadn’t meant for that to happen, although it was a little true. I just didn’t like people to unexpectedly touch me. Or touch me for too long. Or grab me. Or-

Merlin, maybe Sirius was right and I was different than most people.

He seemed to be taking in my reaction. “See?”

“Fine, maybe I’m not too fond of being touched,” I conceded. “But it’s not that weird. Just because I don’t hang all over Remus the way James and Lily do- they’re sickening.”

“True.” Sirius shrugged. “But still, what’s your deal with that whole thing?” I didn’t answer immediately. “Remember, I answered your questions. You owe me.”

I sighed. I really didn’t want to be having this conversation. I wished the professors would abandon the third floor so we could get out safely. “You never explained what that parchment was,” I replied. He hadn’t, although I’d seen it in action which left explanations rather redundant, like their invisibility cloak.

“The map?” He asked. “It’s a map. It shows the whole school and all the people in it, walking around and such. Made it in fifth year. Bloody brilliant, isn’t it? Take a look.”

He handed it over and I studied it closely. All of the footprints were labeled as specific people. This must have been how they could consistently get anywhere they wanted without getting caught, this and the secret passageways of course.

It was intricate charm work, a much higher skill level than I could ever achieve and I wasn’t too terrible with charms. “You did this in your fifth year?” I asked.

Sirius smirked. He rested the tip of the wand on the map. “That’s not all. Mischief managed.” Everything slowly faded away until it was once again a piece of blank parchment. “Now try to open it.”

I stared at it blankly. Earlier Sirius had said something to unlock it, but I couldn’t remember what. “Er- open sesame?”

Words began appearing on the parchment, although they weren’t a map of the school.

Mr. Prongs is shocked that you think us so daft.

Mr. Moony implores you to try a little harder next time, dimwit.

My mouth dropped open in surprise and Sirius let out a bark of laughter. “Prongs and Moony? James and Remus, right?”

“Try another! Get one of mine this time.”

I wasn’t sure how I felt about being insulted by an inanimate object, but it had gotten Sirius to forget our previous conversation. True to Remus’s request, I put some more thought into my words. “I demand that you show me the map.” It wasn’t that much better, but anything had to be more intelligent than open sesame.

Mr. Wormtail thinks your tone rather rude.

Mr. Padfoot would like to remind you what a git you are.

Sirius was reading upside and exploded with laughter. I managed a small grin. “So you’ve enchanted it to insult whoever tries to get it open?”

“Not just that, there are specific ones for certain people. Filch, Snivellus, McGonagall. Though McGonagall’s aren’t exactly insults… It’s designed to give hints to those trying to get in for noble purposes.”

I doubted Sirius’s definition of noble matched most other people’s. “That’s- thoughtful of you.”

He smirked. “Now your turn. You never answered my question.”

I frowned. I’d thought distracting him with the map would make him forget all about that. Apparently not. “What’s to tell? Am I not allowed to just not like something?”

“You are, but there’s a reason there. Sooner you tell me the sooner we leave.” Sirius shrugged and settled against the wall.

“Fine, I was attacked by a bloody werewolf. You try it. That’ll mess with your head, I bet.” My tone was a bit sharper than I meant, but I didn’t apologize.

Sirius looked like he was gauging my response, then he stood. “Makes sense.” He tapped the wall behind him with his wand and it opened, revealing the first glimpse of Hogwarts I’d seen in hours. “You coming?”

“Is that it?” I asked, surprised by how little he’d responded.

He merely shrugged. “Yeah, I guess. I can take all the crates from here. Feel free to go do whatever it is that you do.”

I wasn’t going to force my presence onto him so when he left without saying another word I headed in the opposite direction, somewhat perturbed by what had happened. We’d left Hogwarts grounds, which was strictly forbidden, had a heart to heart kind of chat, become friends, at least sort of, and then Sirius had left without another word as though this kind of thing happened to him all the time.

I went to find Lily, thinking that she’d be worried enough about the party tonight that she’d be happy for some company, and at least she wasn’t a complete nutter.


	20. Party

I spent the rest of the afternoon with Lily and we met up with the Marauders after dinner. They’d been conspicuously missing all day according to Lily. I didn’t tell her where Sirius and had gone for fear that she would turn us in. Looking the other way for a party was a bit different than leaving the grounds.

Remus pulled me off to a quiet empty classroom. “Everything went okay today? Sirius didn’t do or say anything…?”

I shook my head, but couldn’t help smiling a bit to know that he worried about me. Maybe it was immature, but I liked knowing that he cared. “Sirius was fine. Better than fine, actually. We had a good talk.”

Remus’s eyes searched my face for any clues as to what I was talking about, but he didn’t ask and I didn’t offer. I’d promised Sirius to keep it all a secret- that and I just didn’t feel like sharing it with Remus. It was nothing that concerned him at any rate.

“Don’t we have to get to the party?” I asked, anxious to get away from the feeling that I had an obligation to open up to Remus.

“Right.” He took a step back and when he was no longer so close I was able to catch my breath again. “I’ll show you.”

I was getting more than a little fed up with the Marauders and their love of secrets. They seemed unable to just tell people anything, they like to unveil it dramatically and it could grow tiresome, what with the map, and the cloak, and all their secret passageways.

We took our time through the castle, not nearly as fast as Sirius had insisted we go. Finally we reached the seventh floor and there was a magnificent mahogany door across from a tapestry.

I stared at it. “That- It wasn’t- I’ve never seen that before!” I travelled this corridor nearly twice a week for History of Magic and nothing like that door had ever existed before.

“I explain later,” Remus said as the door opened for us. “It’s your birthday party, just enjoy it!”

The room was filled with people, all Hogwarts students and most of whom I’d never met before, although some I recognized just by sight. “Oh Merlin…” It was absurd. I hadn’t had a real birthday party since before I’d begun attending Durmstrang. And there were just so many people. “This is-”

“Amazing?” Remus asking with a smile.

“I was going to say over the top.” I grinned at him. “Wonder how Lily’s taking it.”

“James got her earrings to match that garnet necklace Christmas present, I’m sure she’ll be okay. Get you a drink? Food?” They had food? My mouth must have dropped open because Remus laughed. “James can pretty much get the House Elves to do whatever he wants. Wait till you see the cake...”

“I- what?”

Remus disappeared off into the crowd of people presumably to get us both butterbeers. I didn’t look to see what food there was, but I was sure it was extravagant. The Marauders had an air for that type of thing, particularly James.

“Hi Ana!”

“Happy birthday, Ana!”

I turned to see three Hufflepuff girls standing behind me. I recognized two of them, although I didn’t think I had any classes with them and I couldn’t think of their names. They were probably fifth or sixth years I’d seen in the corridors or the Great Hall.

I pasted a smile on my face, using years of social gatherings with the pureblood society to my advantage. “Hey! Thanks.”

The girls passed by and I sighed in relief. There were three more awkward encounters like that before I decided to move off to the side of the room, away from the general crowd.

I found a small alcove with a stool. It was exactly what I wanted, almost as though the room had created it just for me. I drew my feet up and watched, invisible for all intents and purposes. No one looked for me and I liked it that way.

From where I was sitting I could see most of the party room. It was one large space and filled to capacity with people. There were tables against the opposite wall with the butterbeer Sirius and I had retrieved, but also a bowl of punch filled to the brim despite the party having gone on for an hour, and plates loaded with food.

I couldn’t see specifically what the food was, but I didn’t look too closely. Being surrounded by this many people was a touch nauseating, both because of my heightened senses and just a nervousness of being in the midst of such a large crowd.

James and Lily were in one corner, although instead of having a heated discussion like I’d expected they were talking quietly. From their body language I guessed James had given Lily the earrings Remus mentioned earlier.

When he leaned in to kiss her I knew the snogging was about to begin and turned my attention elsewhere.

Sirius sauntered up to a large group, starting a conversation with some younger Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw girls as well as a few blokes who didn’t look too pleased about it. The sight made me smile. Sirius may have been something of a genius when it came to magic, but he was such an idiot.

I didn’t see Peter anywhere and I was just beginning to look harder when I felt the lightest of touches on my elbow. I flinched at the contact, though only slightly, and turned to meet Remus’s hazel eyes.

“Sorry,” I murmured quietly, feeling bad for cringing at his touch. Sirius was right, I didn’t like any surprise physical contact.

I glanced at his hands and noticed they were empty, though he’d gone off to get us both butterbeers just a few minutes ago. Before I had a chance to ask about the drinks, he moved in close. His hand found its way to my neck and guided me the rest of the way, closing the distance between us.

When our lips met I melted against him, my brain ceasing coherence for a second. I could taste fire on his lips that burned my own, a sensation I couldn’t quite put down to the electricity of the moment.

But when his other hand firmly gripped my waist the thought flew from my mind. I was wholly consumed by the moment.

Unlike the last kiss, our first, which had been soft and chaste and lasted only a breath, this one was lengthy. Not rough, but Remus was forceful as he’d never been before.

By the time he broke apart we were both breathing heavily. He didn’t take a step back and kept his hands where they had been during the kiss. I felt hyperaware of every touch, his hand smoldering against my neck so intensely that I wouldn’t have been surprised if it left a mark.

His forehead was only a hair’s length from my own and he stared down into my eyes with something I couldn’t quite recognize in his expression.

“I’ve wanted to do that for too long,” he whispered hoarsely.

A blush crept over my cheeks and I wanted to look away, but he was too close. Remus was the only thing I could see, mesmerized by his golden flecked eyes and fervent gaze.

“I-” Words wouldn’t come. They caught in my throat unable to escape.

Remus leaned the short distance between us and once more initiated a kiss. This time he was gentler, sweet as his lips moved against mine.

I didn’t want the moment to end.

Standing there, hidden from view in the small alcove with Remus, everything felt perfect. Everything was perfect. This answered any questions I’d had about us, soothed all my worries. And even more than that, it felt as though we belonged. 

I belonged in his arms. I hadn’t felt comfortable this close to another person since before the attack. Remus changed everything.

A loud explosion shook the room and although I’d been unaware of the noise previously, the sudden silence was deafening. At the explosion I’d jumped, twisted my whole body away from Remus. Now as I looked at him there was something of a wry smile on his face.

“What was that?” I asked, my voice shaky from not only the sudden violence, but the several minutes I’d spent in his arms.

“Your birthday cake,” he answered.

I stared. No birthday cake I’d ever heard of before caused explosions of any kind and certainly none that could shake a castle. We exited the alcove and saw James standing atop some sort of pedestal with Lily beside him looking rather uncomfortable at the attention. Everyone in the room watched him in silence, waiting for whatever was to come next.

Another explosion rocked the room and this one was either smaller or we were accustomed to the noise because it didn’t seem quite so startling as the first.

“Where’s the missing birthday boy and girl?” James’s voice had been amplified and it rang through the room. “Ana? Pete?”

I glanced at Remus and shook my head. No way was I joining James, not in front of all these people. It wasn’t going to happen.

“Go on,” Remus said quietly. “He won’t stop until you do.”

I frowned. He still had one hand on my waist and I wasn’t quite ready to give up that last bit of contact yet. To ruin the moment with Remus was one thing, but to ruin it so James could publicly humiliate me?

“I guarantee you Peter is just as pleased as you are about this, which is to say not at all. Go on.” He gave me a slight nudge in the direction of James and Lily and moved his hand.

I hadn’t realized quite how much I craved his contact until it was gone and I was left with nothing. The air had taken on a sudden chill where his hands had rested as though Remus was keeping me warm. Odd since I’d noticed nothing cold before.

I met up with Peter at the bottom of the pedestal and we walked up the steps together. He seemed nervous and I wondered why he would have such a problem with it as he never minded being in the spotlight before.

Lily gave me a onceover, took in my flushed face and mussed hair in an instant and her eyes filled with comprehension. She started to mouth something, but I looked down, unable to keep eye contact with her for more than a second.

I hoped no one else in the crowd I stood in front of had Lily’s eagle eye.

Peter fidgeted beside me and I frowned slightly, before realizing what the other boys had said about his ex-girlfriend and how he avoided her. Perhaps she was here and that was why he didn’t want the attention.

“Sirius, the cake?” The lights had brightened and I squinted, although I still couldn’t see much of anything more than a few feet in front of my face.

Then suddenly the cake was all that I could see and I realized why Remus had made that comment about it earlier. It was magnificent- magnificent and utterly ridiculous all at the same time.

It stood at least six feet tall and was tiered with the top section shooting off fireworks. That had been the explosion from earlier. Around the bottom tiers were wizard candles- they sparked and flames grew several inches in the air in various colors.

I didn’t think I’d ever seen a cake look that dangerous.

“Ana, Pete, Lilyflower? Care to do the honors?” James gestured at the cake with a large knife, clearly intending for us to cut the first pieces. He didn’t seem to realize that all three of us were immensely uncomfortable in front of the crowd. Either that or he just didn’t care.

Lily, good sport that she was, tottered forward and took the knife gingerly from James’s grip. She looked hesitant as she sliced through the cake, as though expecting it to burst into song and dance.

I half expected it to burst into song and dance.

But much to our relief the cake merely cut like any other cake and soon started cutting itself, a nifty little charm I’d seen my mum use when I was young.

“Like it?”

I jumped at the voice which came right by my ear. I hadn’t seen Sirius come up behind me. “It’s- big,” I managed, unable to really say anything else about it. “Really big.”

“The flowers are lilies,” he commented. I looked closer and noticed that he was right. The icing around the edges was crafted into tiny lilies, hundreds of them. James’s idea, I assumed. It was just the kind of cliché thing he’d do.

“That’s sweet.”

“Nauseating, more like.” Sirius didn’t have the same attempted politeness that I did. No wonder he never fit in with pureblood society if he’d always spoke his mind as a child like he did now. “Saw you and Remus getting it on earlier.”

“What?” The abrupt change of subject made my face flare a dark shade of red.

“Snogging the life out him, you were. Real classy, Durmstrang.” His tone was teasing, but I was sure my face resembled a very large tomato. “You’re welcome for that.”

When I finally got my breath back I asked, “Why would I thank you?”

“You didn’t think Remus would do that on his own, did you?” Sirius smirked, his amusement growing by the moment. “Tut tut. Should keep a closer eye on your boyfriend. He’s practically afraid to touch you. How do you think he got the guts to just start snogging you out of the blue?”

My mind worked quickly to keep up with Sirius and suddenly I had a realization. The fire on Remus’s lips- that wasn’t just my imagination or excitement over kissing him.

“You gave him firewhiskey?” I asked in astonishment.

His smirk widened. “Got it one.”

“But that’s- you can’t have firewhiskey on school grounds!” As I was saying that it struck me that it was maybe a touch hypocritical as this was partially my birthday party and just as against the rules. I thought of all the other rules we’d broken that day, including taking a secret passageway all the way to Hogsmeade.

“Don’t worry, it was only a shot. Just enough to give him that last bit of confidence. You can thank me later.” Sirius left with a wink and I frowned at him.

Maybe it shouldn’t have bothered me, but if the Marauders had snuck firewhiskey into the castle I couldn’t help but wonder what else they were doing that I didn’t know about.

I met up with Remus back off the high stage, glad to be out of the limelight.

“You looked like you were having fun up there,” he said quietly, placing a hand at the small of my back. “Tried the cake yet?”

I shook my head and he supplied a plate with two slices that I hadn’t noticed. There were also two forks. I smiled at him. “Thanks.”

“So I saw you talking to Sirius,” Remus said, coughing a bit. “Er-”

“Firewhiskey?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. I hadn’t pegged him for the type, especially since we both had to be extra careful about getting expelled.

“I don’t make a habit of ingesting illegal substances.” He looked so put on the spot about it that I couldn’t help feeling sorry for him.

And in a way it was kind of sweet, that Remus had needed the extra confidence for me. I couldn’t help but forgive him immediately. I leaned up to him and softly pressed my lips against his for just a second before drawing back. I could still taste the last remnants of firewhiskey, although it had dulled to a soft warmth.

It was the first time I’d ever initiated a kiss before and though there was a ball of nerves clenched in my stomach, I didn’t regret it. 

Remus cleared his throat after a moment of silence and shifted awkwardly. The affects of the firewhiskey had definitely worn off.

“You haven’t tried cake until you’ve had some of this. Seriously, you’ve got to have some.” He offered up the plate once more and I smiled at him.

Typical guy, always with food on the mind. But nevertheless, I did take a bite of the cake and it was as good as he said, maybe even better.


	21. A Date

Sunday morning at breakfast there were more than a few students looking a bit ragged. I couldn’t tell if they were hung over or just tired. Sirius definitely belonged to the hung over group. He sat at the Gryffindor table with his head in his hands picking at the eggs on his plate with a fork.

“How’re you feeling, mate?” James asked loudly with a smirk. He clapped his best friend on the back causing Sirius to groan and slouch even further down in his seat.

I hid my smile, not wanting to add to the pain he was already undoubtedly feeling.

Lily smiled at him. “You ought to eat a little something,” she suggested kindly. “That’ll help with the headache. And besides, you shouldn’t have pepper up potion on an empty stomach.”

Sirius perked up at her words. “You have pepper up potion?”

Lily pulled a vial of the red concoction from her robes and handed it to Sirius. “Make sure you eat something, though,” she lectured. “Without any food in your stomach your symptoms come back tenfold when the effects wear off.”

Sirius poured a generous amount in his goblet of pumpkin juice and downed it in one gulp. “If this stuff helps I think I might be changing my mind about you and James. You’re not so bad.”

Lily rolled her eyes at the double edged compliment, but didn’t respond. The potion’s work was obvious in only a few minutes. Sirius’s eyes appeard less bloodshot and the creases in his forehead eased. He dug ravenously into his breakfast plate and took only a few moments to finish the meager helping he had served himself.

“Thanks, Lils.” He beamed at her.

Towards the end of breakfast the Great Hall began to grow quiet. As it got more dramatic we looked around. McGonagall stood at the front of the Heads table, waiting for us to obey her silent command. It only took another minute for the entire room to fall completely silent. No one wanted to anger her further as she was already sporting a rather ferocious scowl.

“As I am sure many of you are already aware, last night we caught a record number of students roaming the corridors after hours. The appropriate points have been deducted from the various Houses as you will notice when you pass the totals.”

I tensed and felt Lily do the same beside me. Neither of us could afford to get in any kind of trouble. We had too much to lose- she her head girl status and my enrollment at the school.

McGonagall continued. “As such we have been informed that an unauthorized and completely against school rules party took place last night, though the students we have spoken to seemed unwilling or unable to help us locate the party site and identify the lead perpetrators.”

Sirius coughed, hiding his laughter and James looked like he was having trouble keeping a smirk off his face. Only Remus seemed impassive and calm.

“Any students discovered to have taken part in this event will be punished most severely unless you come forward now and share your knowledge of what took place last night. Do not hesitate to do so because we will get to the bottom of this.” Her stern eyes flowed over every table, but it felt as though they paused on me.

I tried to tell myself that was just a figment of my imagination, just paranoia. I didn’t really believe it.

The entire hall erupted in whispers, the younger students confused about what had happened the previous night and everyone else worried about getting caught.

James and Sirius high-fived across the table while Lily and I stared in disbelief. They were grinning, not in the least bit worried. “That was a brilliant party!”

“The best!”

Lily stared at them, horrified. “Are you two not at all ashamed of yourselves? You broke the rules and got Merlin knows how many students in trouble, and you’re just high-fiving and bragging?” Her voice rose an octave on the final word and came out as a screech.

“Calm down, Evans,” Sirius said with a roll of his eyes. “No one’s going to get you in any trouble.”

This did little to ease Lily’s panic. It only made things worse. Her eyes bugged out of her head. “Even if that is true,” she hissed through clenched teeth. “What about the other students? The ones who got caught and lost points? And when one of them turns us all in, we’ll all get in trouble. Remus will lose his prefect badge, I’ll lose Head Girl, and James will lose both Quidditch Captain and Head Boy!”

Tears sprung in Lily’s eyes and James frowned at his best friend in disapproval, clearly unhappy that Sirius had pushed Lily to crying. “You don’t even care,” she wailed. “What’s another detention and some points? You’ve already got so many. All that matters to you is that the stupid party was fun.”

Sirius shrugged. “Well it was.”

“You- you’re such an insensitive prick! You know that?” Before giving him a chance to respond, Lily stormed off.

James’s eyebrows drew together. “Thanks, mate,” he muttered sarcastically and then hurried after Lily.

Sirius looked slightly bewildered. “What’s with her? That’s a little ungrateful since it was her birthday party.”

“You’re dafter than you look,” Remus said and Peter nodded as well.

“Well it was fun,” Sirius insisted. “And record breaking! You heard McGonagall. I bet no one’s ever thrown a party like that before in Hogwarts.”

I raised an eyebrow a miniscule amount, not high enough for any of the boys to notice. I had to admit I was on Lily’s side here. With the number of students they’d caught in the corridors after curfew, and McGonagall had implied it was quite a large number, one of them was bound to turn us in.

It would only take one person to mention the Marauders and they’d all be hauled in, myself and Lily included. I couldn’t afford to get in any trouble, not with Dumbledore out on a limb just letting me enroll.

As Peter and Sirius left, Remus slipped an arm around my waist. “You okay? You look a little-” He didn’t finish the sentence, clearly deciding it was better not to say whatever he had planned.

I didn’t say anything for a moment. He didn’t seem worried and that was a sure indicator I shouldn’t be either.

But I couldn’t help it. “What if McGonagall finds out it was us?”

“She won’t. I won’t let that happen.”

I had grown to learn that Remus didn’t make empty promises, but I couldn’t begin to imagine how he was going to keep that one. “I really can’t get in trouble,” I said quietly. “You know that. Dumbledore- he’s been so kind already.”

Remus nodded, his expression serious. “I get that. He won’t treat you differently than any other student.”

Dumbledore hadn’t so far, but I had a difficult time believing that was true. Even if he didn’t mean to, he couldn’t help but hold us to a different standard. He wasn’t risking his position as Headmaster for anyone else. Just us.

“Maybe he should,” I said.

Remus frowned lightly, more worried than angry. “Hey, it’ll be fine.” He pulled me off to the side, into a shadowed corner of the corridor. “James and Sirius- they put up precautions. Incase people did get caught. No one who entered that room can say any of our names in connection with the party.”

“What? How?” That sounded like complicated spellwork. James and Sirius were good, but were they really that good?

“That’s what they said and I believe them. You don’t question their magic. It’s always spot on if they say it is.” That I believed. Still, that wasn’t just NEWT level. That was specialty knowledge, much like the map. It probably required combining a few spells together.

Just thinking about how they’d done it made my head begin to ache. “I guess if you trust them…” I said hesitantly.

I didn’t trust the Marauders more than necessary, but it seemed every direction I turned I was placing my fate in their hands. They hadn’t let me down yet. The ‘yet’ seemed to hang rather ominously though, and something told me it was only a matter of time before something worse came of it.

 

McGonagall made the same announcement at breakfast every morning for a week and either she had mastered the art of making each student feel like they were being singled out, or she was staring specifically at me, Lily, and the Marauders.

I voiced my fears to Remus on occasion, but he assured me even if she did suspect us there was no proof and would continue to be no proof. I didn’t believe him, but I also didn’t have much of a choice. Even if I went to McGonagall now and she went easier on her punishment, I’d still be expelled. I was too much of a risk even when I followed the rules to the letter.

It was after Ancient Runes one day that I ran into Avery again, although it was less running into him as it was him cornering me. Ancient Runes was the only class without any of the Marauders. It was a small NEWT level course with mostly Slytherins and Ravenclaws. Not too much chatter as most of them kept to themselves.

It was one of my more relaxing classes, at least when I didn’t run into Slytherins that made me anxious afterwards.

“Hello, Ana,” he said, his lips curling into a smile that looked far from sincere.

I forced my own into a similar shape. “Nice to see you again, Bardolf.”

Our interaction was formal, but that’s how we were raised. If you didn’t get along with someone, we were supposed to be polite. Even overly so.

“I’m attending a function this weekend. A party of sorts.” My stomach dropped at the word party, envisioning another gathering like the one we’d just had. Avery must have noticed the change in my expression because his smile grew wider and even less sincere. “Oh don’t worry, nothing like your… event last weekend. Slughorn is having one of his Slug Club meetings.”

I had a vague recollection of Slughorn inviting Lily and Snape to something earlier in the year, which must have been another one of his parties. “I’m not sure, NEWTs are getting closer and I ought to study,” I said.

I didn’t want to attend with Avery or anyone else for that matter, but saying no outright would be rude and I couldn’t exactly say that Remus and I were a couple. It would get back to my parents for sure and I didn’t want them knowing yet.

“One night, one party. All I’m asking is for two hours of your time. Maybe three if we’re having a good time.” I looked at him, still unsure. “As friends, of course. I wouldn’t ask more without your father’s permission, as is proper.”

The dig at my relationship with Remus was concealed well, but I still caught it and my face flushed pink.

“What do you say, go with me?”

“Well,” I trailed off. I didn’t have much of an out. Declining would be rude. It might get back to my parents even. Remus wouldn’t be at all pleased, but it wasn’t his choice. “Alright. As- friends. I’d like to accompany you.” It sounded stiff and overly polite, just as the smile he responded with was.

“Lovely. I’ll be by to pick you up.”

I watched him go, my hands gripping the strap of my bag as it hung across my shoulder. The knot in the pit of my stomach seemed to expand until I felt I was going to puke. I regretted saying yes immediately, although Avery hadn’t given me much of a choice by cornering me alone.

He and his friends had ignored me ever since getting back from Christmas holidays and even before that the extent of their troubles was Mulciber bumping my chair, which felt like more of a warning than a threat. Snape had spoken to me about Remus, but again, that was a warning. He’d thought he was helping.

I hadn’t heard from Snape again, so I assumed Remus must have sorted that problem out and I didn’t want to annoy him further by pushing the subject.

 

I met up with him and the others on the way to the Quidditch pitch. James didn’t have the pitch booked for Gryffindor, but the first years were having their flying lessons and he wanted to scout out the new Gryffindor recruits, even though he’d be gone the next year. “Have to leave the team in good hands,” he’d said gruffly.

Nothing official had been announced and probably wouldn’t until the summer, but James had invited Corinne Michaels alone with us, the only other member of the Gryffindor team present. James was ignoring Lily, who looked more than a touch put out, and whispered frantically with Peter and Corinne, glancing up the sky and pointing at specific first years.

To me and they all looked clumsy and awkward on their brooms, but I didn’t have a trained eye. At least a few of them must have some sort of potential, or James wouldn’t be staring at them so intently.

Lily breathed on her hands and rubbed them together, her cheeks chapped with cold. “Anyone else freezing?” She asked, shivering visibly in the frigid February air.

Remus and I shrugged. It was cold, but under all our cloaks I wasn’t miserable. I’m sure our particular condition didn’t hurt that either. Sirius was the only other one to look uncomfortable as he sported a bright red nose under his mop of black hair.

“I’m an ice cube,” he muttered, looking rather disgruntled. “Why’d we get dragged out here anyway? They’re the ones who have to do the scouting. We could be sitting in front of a fire right now.”

Lily and Sirius both sent dirty looks toward the trio whose eyes were glued to the sky. Lily pulled a large mug out of her bag. Steam rose from the top, charmed to stay warm no matter the temperature.

“Hot chocolate?” She offered. I wasn’t freezing, but I was far from warm. Hot chocolate sounded like perfection. She pulled out four smaller cups and passed them around.

“Merlin, Lily, you’re a godsend,” Sirius said as he gratefully drank.

“Thank you, Sirius,” she said with another dark look toward her boyfriend. She snapped the mug shut and slid it back into her bag, obviously not planning on offering any to James. “At least someone appreciates.”

Sirius snickered.

Lily let out a sigh as she pulled her robes closer around her. “We shouldn’t be out here at all, you know. I’ve got to study for NEWTs, I’m hopelessly behind schedule and Slughorn is just insisting I attend his party this weekend.” She rolled her eyes and I perked up at the mention of the party.

“So you’re going?” I asked, glad that at least one friend would be there, even if I wouldn’t be permitted to speak to her while with Avery.

“I always go,” Lily replied with a smile. “I mean, I’d like to skip so I can focus on my studying, but Slughorn is ever so nice and he always has such interesting people come.”

Sirius snorted. “If stuffy old men is your definition of boring, yeah. Have at it. I’ll take a weekend of pranks any day.”

We fell into a sort of silence. Without James holding us all together, it was hard to keep the conversation flowing. He was the real link between us all.

“I- I might be going too,” I said quietly, my eyes glued to my knees.

Sirius coughed, either smothering a laugh or simply out of surprise. “Why’d Slughorn invite you? Don’t exactly see how you’ve managed to impress him.”

I felt Lily’s curious eyes on me, Remus’s hand resting on my arm. “He didn’t. I- Avery asked me. As friends. I couldn’t say no.” I felt the need to justify myself, but no one said anything. I kept my eyes directly on the ground, but I could imagine them giving each other looks over my head.

“What’d you go and do a bloody stupid thing like that for?” Sirius snapped. I half expected Lily to admonish him for his language, but she stayed silent. “Avery? He’s a murdering little sociopath, or he will be once he graduates.”

I shrugged. No matter what I said, it wouldn’t be a good enough defense. They’d already warned me about Avery before, especially Lily. And Remus.

I couldn’t look up, I didn’t want to see the expression on his face.

“Ana?” Lily asked hesitantly.

I shrugged. I didn’t know what to say, though I was sure my face was burning red. Shame or embarrassment, I didn’t know. “I just needed to say yes,” I said.

Sirius scowled at me. “Justify it all you want. It’s still rank.”

I gnawed on my lip. A cool hand covered mine and I flinched at the contact, but Remus didn’t move it. “Lay off her, Padfoot.”

“Don’t make me wrong about you,” Sirius threatened. “I don’t like being wrong.”

My head bobbed up and down as I nodded, grateful that Remus had stepped up to defend me because I couldn’t do as much myself. I didn’t verbalize my gratitude, but Remus gave my hand a small squeeze anyway.

Even after what I’d done, he was on my side.


	22. A Matching Set

I didn’t have time to worry about the party and getting caught because Avery was at the forefront of my mind. He only asked me days before the party occurred and as a result I didn’t have anything to wear. It wasn’t a big concern on my part, but Slugorn did say it was semiformal. Going with Avery especially I had to look like the good pureblood daughter I was playing the role of.

It wasn’t until the afternoon of the Saturday, just hours before the party itself, that I finally brought my problem to Lily with a red face. Dressing for the Marauders’ party was bad enough, but this was official.

“Ana, you could have asked, you know,” she said, hurrying to her wardrobe. “Slughorn’s been inviting me to these things for years, I’m always prepared with some nice clothes.” She pulled out a few dresses, most suited to her bright red hair. “Anything look good?”

I shrugged. None of them were exactly my style, I liked plain and simple dresses whereas most of Lily’s had a bit of frilly or lace. It looked good on her, but I wasn’t sure how it would do on me.

“The green one,” I said, pointing to the short sleeved green dress. It was the only that would fully cover my back and shoulders, hiding my scars.

Lily paused and then nodded. She understood. She’d seen my scars. The only concern was that the dress only reached my knees. I wasn’t concerned it was too short as it would have taken a very conservative dresser to balk at that length, but it wouldn’t cover the scars on my calf.

I didn’t want anyone asking questions, especially Avery. He didn’t seem the type to jump to conclusions like that too quickly, but it still wouldn’t be a pleasant line of questioning.

“It’s great, thanks Lily.”

Our room was empty as the other girls were down at dinner so I didn’t have much of a problem slipping into the dress now. Changing in the bathroom would have been too awkward, though I still didn’t like her noticing my scars.

I left my school stockings on with the dress even though they looked awful together when I looked in the mirror. I could tell Lily was just a bit larger than me as the dress hung a little too big, but nothing that looked bad. It just wasn’t my style.

Lily dug in the bottom of her trunk and pulled out a pair of textured black tights. “Wear those, they’ll look great with the dress.” She didn’t say anything about my scars and her face remained bland with a small smile. “Go on.”

Once the tights were on, I examined the result in the mirror. They were too thin to completely cover the scar, but as long as people weren’t looking closely it should be fine. Should being the operative word there. I didn’t like relying on should, but I didn’t have a choice.

“Perfect!” Lily looked pleased with herself and nodded excitedly. “Just let me get dressed and I’ll do our hair and makeup.”

That wasn’t what I’d signed on for. I wrinkled my noise instinctively. “I’m not dressing up too much for this,” I said. “It’s not a date. Just a- a function.”

“Don’t you have to look nice for a function?” Lily asked.

I shrugged. She had a point, but I still didn’t want to dress up for Avery. I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea. I didn’t want to give anyone the wrong idea, for that matter. Not Avery or Remus or Sirius.

“Suit yourself.”

Going out all dressed up but without my makeup and hair done felt wrong somehow, but I ignored it as Lily and I walked down the stairs together. She looked nothing short of glamorous. I’d never seen her dressed up so nicely, hadn’t noticed when she’d gone to Slughorn’s parties before.

James was waiting in the common room for us with the rest of the Marauders. He jumped up when Lily came down and grinned at her.

“You look gorgeous,” he said, his voice brimming with sincerity. Lily blushed and I smiled. They really were the perfect couple.

Sirius eyed me with a distrustful eye from the sofa. I took a few steps to join the boys. “You look nice,” Remus said.

“Thanks.”

“Yeah, spiffy,” Sirius muttered. “Have fun on your date with Avery.”

“Sirius!” Remus snapped.

Sirius rolled his eyes and went back to toying with the parchment in front of him. Remus stood up and smiled at me.

“Wish you weren’t going tonight,” he said quietly. It was the first time he’d brought it up since on conversation on the Quidditch pitch. Lily and Sirius disapproved and James seemed to understand a bit better, but Remus hadn’t said a word at all about it.

“Just a few hours and then we can spend the rest of the night here,” I said. Remus leaned down and kissed me softly on the cheek.

“I meant what I said. You do look nice.”

I blushed again and Lily coughed from behind me. “Ready to go, Ana? Slughorn doesn’t like it when I’m late.”

I pulled away from Remus and smiled at her. “Sure. It’s only a couple hours, right?”

“Right!” Lily said brightly. She seemed to be the only one eager for the evening, excited to meet whatever potion brewers Slughorn had invited for the evening. James had a smile plastered on his face, but it didn’t take a mind reader to see that was for Lily’s benefit.

The party was in the dungeons and though it was usually chilly in this part of the school and I’d expected to uncomfortably cold in my dress, the walls were warmed with spells so it was toasty warm. The dungeons even emitted a soft yellow glow, causing the whole area to feel more relaxed and less like a dungeon.

The party room itself was elaborately decorated with in gold tones, though softer than the Gryffindor colors and so much more toned down that no one would have thought Slughorn was playing favorites. And he was Head of Slytherin House, after all.

The room was full of people in party dresses and dress robes, a few older witches and wizards loitered around looking a bit out of place. It looked magnificent. I wasn’t surprised Lily enjoyed attending these functions. Even if they weren’t my style or hers, they must liven up the monotony of the school year pretty well.

“Lily! There you are! I’ve been waiting for you!” Slughorn hurried toward us from across the room, a glass in hand full of honey colored mead. “You’ll never guess who came here tonight, Dalbert Gerstel!”

“No,” Lily gasped. The name meant nothing to me, but it obviously meant something to her. “The Dalbert Gerstel? How?”

“He was over this way on business anyhow and I’ve been known to twist an arm or two. Come, I’ll introduce you!” Slughorn pulled Lily through the mass of people in the room leaving me and James standing by the entrance.

James sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, ruffling it up though he’d spent a good deal of time earlier trying to make it lie flat. “I can’t believe I let Lily talk me into this. These things are awful.”

I shrugged. So far it wasn’t too bad, although I did prefer standing with my back to the wall so people would be less likely to notice my leg.

“Merlin I envy Sirius right now. Had the good sense to laugh in Slughorn’s face when he made the invitation fifth year and never got invited back.” It didn’t even surprise me anymore the ridiculous things Sirius did. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad one.

I spotted Avery across the room and immediately ducked my head. He hadn’t seen me yet. “I should uh-” I stumbled over my words and nodded in his direction.

James nodded. “Guess I’ll go see if I can find myself some drinks. Preferably of the alcoholic kind.” He winked and headed off in the opposite direction while I made my way over to Avery.

He was wearing expensive dress robes trimmed in Slytherin green. He looked not unattractive, though I couldn’t fully appreciate his appearance because of who I knew he was and the cold look on his face.

“Hello, Ana. You’re looking beautiful tonight.” Unlike with Remus, he didn’t truly mean it. It was the polite thing to say.

“Thank you,” I responded, my voice low.

“Can I fetch you a drink?”

The usual song and dance was getting a bit tiresome. “Er no thanks. I’m all right.”

“As you wish,” Avery said, the perfect gentleman.

I missed Remus’s shy awkwardness. His sweetness. I missed just knowing he was there standing beside me. But I smiled at Avery as we made our way through the usual items of small talk we’d been brought up to memorize for encounters such as these- our families, brief politics which we of course agreed on, and school.

It wasn’t altogether unpleasant, but it wasn’t enjoyable either. Mostly I just bided my time until the party was over so I could make an escape.

When Slughorn raised the volume of the music by a few levels, Avery reached out his hand. “Care to dance?”

I didn’t have a way out. This was a party after all and he knew I could dance. All pureblood children could. I’d bet even Sirius could, although whether or not he’d admit it was an entirely different matter.

We moved onto the floor with other couples and swayed in rhythm with the music. After a time, I noticed Lily and James just a few feet away from us. She must have escaped Slughorn and his famous guest and returned to James at some point.

Lily looked at me over James’s shoulder and our eyes caught. She smiled slightly at me. Instead of smiling back, I turned my gaze away. Had I been with Remus we would have moved over closer to James and Lily, but I knew it wasn’t the case with Avery. I didn’t want to cause any sort of fight. I wasn’t even supposed to be a guest at Slughorn’s party and I certainly didn’t want to be the one to add drama to it.

As we spun, Avery caught sight of them and a dark scowl made his face ugly. “We should get some fresh air, Ana. Outside away from…this.” Though he said this, I knew he meant them, in particular Lily, and they were close enough to hear.

He took my hand and we walked to the corridor where the noise slowly dulled behind us. I wanted to send them an apologetic look, but it would only make matters worse with Avery.

Once in the corridor, he sighed heavily. “I don’t understand how you can spend your time with people like that. It’s just so unclean. What must your parents think? Blood traitors and mudbloods.”

Though I didn’t say it, I couldn’t help but think that my parents would be okay with blood traitors and muggleborns seeing as I was a halfbreed- even worse in most people’s opinions. I wasn’t even fully human.

“They really aren’t that bad, maybe if you gave them a chance…” I knew it was the wrong thing to say the moment it was out of my mouth, but I couldn’t take it back. The words were already out there, floating around in the air.

“Blood traitors and mudbloods, nothing worse,” Avery spat. “You’re above them. Black comes from good breeding, but he’s just a bad seed.”

I bit my lip. Sirius wasn’t always my favorite person, but I wouldn’t call him a bad seed. Maybe a bit reckless and immature sometimes, but that was harsh.

“I had an ulterior motive when I asked you to accompany me, Ana. Perhaps it was wrong to deceive you, but I did have the greater good in mind.” Those words struck me cold. The greater good. At Durmstrang we’d learned those words and it wasn’t a joke. Grindelwald had used them years before.

I gulped and tried to push the words away. I lived far away and no one in my family had suffered at the hands of Grindelwald, but it made my blood run cold to think about him.

“I feel as though I have an obligation to you, Ana. Dumbledore didn’t sort you correctly and let you fall into the wrong crowd with those people. I would be remiss if I didn’t at least attempt to save you from falling in with the wrong people.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that. Avery looked sincere, or at least as sincere as he got. And it seemed as though he believed that he was doing the right thing. I didn’t want to become someone’s pet project though, especially not his. “Er thanks?”

“We come from good families. It’s important to keep it that way,” he said smoothly.

I noticed that evening that he was a rather handsome boy when he was throwing around words like mudblood and sneering at the Gryffindors, but it was ruined nearly every time he opened his mouth.

“They’re my friends,” I told him quietly. “I have to live with them. Leaving them isn’t- wouldn’t-” I couldn’t finish. I didn’t even know what I was trying to say. “It’s just not that easy.”

“There are good people and bad people,” Avery said. “It’s your choice who to spend your time with. My offer still stands for you to join us. I could introduce you to the other Slytherins, make you one of us. They don’t generally accept Gryffindors as a rule, but for you we’d make an exception.”

An exception. That didn’t sound like I’d be welcomed with open arms. I hated myself a little bit, but I couldn’t help but consider his offer. He was right about my parents. They’d much prefer I spend my time with the ‘right’ crowd, the Slytherins.

But I had my friends. I had Lily. I had the Marauders who knew about me and still liked me. Most of all, I had Remus.

“They’re my friends,” I repeated, more firmly this time.

Avery’s face went blank. When he looked at me with that expression it was easy to understand how Sirius had called him a sociopathic murdered. His eyes were hard. No one’s eyes should ever be that blank.

“Look, it’s like this. There are sides here. Black and white. You’re with us or you’re against us. I can’t protect you if you choose them.” Avery didn’t sound like he wanted to protect. He sounded like he wanted to hurt me, badly. “Things are only going to get worse from herein out, both inside Hogwarts and out there in the world. You’d do best to choose wisely.”

I gulped. More and more Avery sounded threatening. He wasn’t suggesting I join them any longer, he was demanding it. He was telling me the consequences of if I didn’t. He was threatening me.

I took a step back with that realization. It made my decision easier. “No,” I said, my voice hardly more than a squeak. I coughed to clear my throat. “I have my friends. I’m sticking with them.” My voice grew stronger with each word until I sounded almost confident in myself and what I was saying.

Until you couldn’t tell I was quaking with fear.

Avery’s face went dark, darker than I’d ever seen. His mouth twisted into an ugly sneer. “If that’s what you want.” He leaned in close, closer than we’d even been while dancing and I stood frozen in my shoes. I thought for a moment he planned on hurting me, cursing me with something. Instead he breathed into my face as he said, “Watch your back.”

He stalked off down the corridor, away from the party and away from me. As he turned the corner and moved out of sight I slumped against the cold stone wall. My breath came fast and I realized I’d been holding it as Avery moved closer. My heart pounded and I stayed in the corridor until I managed to get myself under control.

I half expected Lily or James to come looking for me, even for Avery to come back, but no one did.

I made my way back to Gryffindor tower alone. It was early still, everyone else was either doing their own thing or still at Slughorn’s party. I passed a few third years in the corridor who giggled at my fancy dress. It shouldn’t have bothered to have the younger students amused, but it stung just a little.

By the time I reached Gryffindor Tower on the other side of the castle, I was ready for bed. I didn’t want to stay up and face Lily or James. I didn’t want to talk to my roommates.

I hadn’t even thought about not seeing Remus, but when I saw him sitting in the large armchair in the Common Room I realized more than anything that I wanted to see him and be with him.

“Hey.” He looked at me with surprise. “You’re back kind of early, aren’t you?”

It would be undignified to say I threw myself at him. I wasn’t the kind of girl that did that, always too shy and reserved, but the next I knew I was in his arms.

He seemed startled for a moment, but held me tight and stroked my hair. “Are you okay? Avery didn’t-”

“No, nothing- I just-” I couldn’t verbalize what I wanted to tell him, wasn’t even sure I wanted to. “I just want to be with you.”

This answer placated him or he wasn’t even looking for a reason. I was just glad to be in his arms, somewhere that felt safe. When he kissed me, everything in the world felt right. He didn’t make it right, but everything fell into place around him. He was my center.

“We could er-” He seemed as bad as me at verbalization. “Go upstairs. If you wanted. No pressure,” he hastily added.

For a moment I was wracked with indecision, but it left as quickly as it came. I nodded and followed him up the boys’ staircase the room the four Marauders shared. It was empty, James still at Slughorn’s function and the other two off making trouble somewhere.

I was alone again as I had been in the corridor, but this time alone with Remus. We were alone together. And that made it better.

The sheets on his bed were rumpled and unmade, but as we moved onto them it didn’t matter. His hand moved to the back of my head and stayed there, nestled in my hair. His lips moved against mine as we lay together.

His other hand touched the zipper lightly and began to drag it down, raking against the teeth one by one. The skin of my back became exposed and in the moment I realized that I froze.

Remus stopped just as suddenly. “You okay? We can stop. We don’t have to.”

I couldn’t bring myself to voice the words. I’d never had this problem before, not just because I’d never been this close with a boy before, but because of what had happened over the summer.

“It’s my back,” I whispered, too quiet for him too even hear. “It’s-” I stopped. He hadn’t seen my scars, not outside of the hospital wing, not in this kind of context.

His tense muscles relaxed ever so slightly and he brought his hand back to my exposed skin. With a touch so light I could hardly feel it, he traced my scar up around my neck and shoulder blades and then down as far as the zipper opened.

I shivered, goose bumps raised along my spine. Remus kissed me again his fingers never leaving their place for a moment.

When he broke the kiss he removed his own shirt and brought my fingers to his chest, to the scars he bore. Some of them were many years old, from when he was a child. I couldn’t imagine a young Remus going through that trauma. I didn’t want to.

“We’re alike.” His voice was no louder than a breath. “You and me. We’re the same.”

My fingers trailed across his marred skin, so like my own as he had pointed out. What he said was true. We were similar, our lives, our stories. We came from the same place that gave us our scarred and disfigured bodies. Each of them told our story, a story only we could ever understand.

We were a matching set.


	23. This is a School

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay, y'all. The next will be up Saturday, as usual.

The morning after should have been momentous in some way. Instead it felt the same. I woke up in my school bed, alone and slightly chilly as even my thick blankets couldn’t protect against the frigid February weather.

I was the first up as usual even though the grey light already streamed through the windows. The full moon fast approached, I could feel it even if I didn’t have the dates memorized in my head. Remus and I were to report to the Hospital Wing in the morning, together.

My stomach flipped at the thought of him. I didn’t know how to react when I first saw him. If I should be excited or nonchalant. If I should pretend like nothing had changed or everything had. I didn’t have past experience with this and neither had my Durmstrang friends. Durmstrang had strict rules about relationships and we’d have never had the opportunity there.

I dealt with my angst by ignoring it and staying in bed until the other girls woke up for the day.

Lily was the last up for once and by the time she got out of bed we were the only two left in the room. I’d gone to sleep before she even got in last night and I hadn’t gone to bed early. She was just back late, well after hours. Even for a Head Girl.

She sat up in bed and yawned, her red hair frizzed out and sticking up all over the place. It was a moment when, if we’d been better friends, I would have taken a photograph and threatened to tell James. Since we weren’t I just smiled at her. “Sleep well?”

I hadn’t gotten out of bed either except to brush my teeth and hair and Lily took this in slowly. “You’ve been awake.” She sounded groggy, like the sleep hadn’t cleared from her head and throat yet. “It’s- What time is it?”

“After noon,” I said teasingly.

Lily’s eyes widened until the whites showed all the way around her irises. She leapt from her bed and stumbled through the sheets and blankets she remained tangled in.

“I’m kidding, it’s only just past eleven. Calm down.” My words didn’t have much of an effect on her except she scowled at me through her morning ritual. I did notice it was rather slower than usual. She took extra time squeezing out the right amount of toothpaste and brushing out the tangles in her hair.

When she returned from the bathroom her scowl had somewhat abated. “We didn’t see you much at the party last night,” Lily said. “Everything end up okay?”

I nodded, though a slight rosy tinge may have given me away. I didn’t know if Lily was just overtired or maybe even hung over, but she didn’t notice. I was glad for that. What happened the previous night was for me to keep to myself. I didn’t want to share it yet.

“You were right about him. I won’t- He won’t be around anymore. Ever.” That at least was the truth. As much as I didn’t want to be on his bad side, staying on his good side wouldn’t be worth it. I’d choose the Marauders and Lily every time.

Lily gave a sharp nod. “Good. He’s twisted and evil.”

Her viewpoint on Avery and the rest of the Death Eaters still felt too black and white, a little too rigid, but I was beginning to see her point. It was hard to describe Avery in terms that weren’t synonyms to twisted and evil. He just sort of embodied those words, however much I wanted to defend dark magic as a whole.

“Lunch?” Lily asked.

We were a touch early, but I nodded. Skipping breakfast gave me a rumbling stomach and though my nerves exponentially increased at the idea of seeing Remus, I was eager to see him. Anxious and more than a little queasy, but excited.

I only wished I knew how I was supposed to act, how he would act.

Down the Common Room, the Marauders lazed about on the three large sofas, taking up much more space than they needed and leaving the younger students to cram together at tables and desks.

Lily’s eyebrows knitted together, but she didn’t say a word. “You lot want to join us for lunch?” She asked.

The four boys shrugged. At first I couldn’t meet Remus’s gaze, but when I did my face burned a deep scarlet. I could feel it creeping down my neck and up toward my ears. I wouldn’t have been surprised if my whole body was bright red at that point.

Memories from last night engulfed me, Remus’s hands on my body, us closer than ever before, his bed, our scars. I blinked and Remus had a soft smile on his face, halfway between amused and sweet.

“Hi,” I said.

He didn’t respond verbally, just took my hand and we walked down to breakfast together like that.

 

I was more ready for this full moon than I had been before. This time I had Remus, really had Remus with me. There were no questions. I didn’t have to wonder if we were in a relationship or what he felt or even where we were headed. We could just be. Everything had been answered.

Madam Pomfrey, or Poppy as Remus continued to call her, seemed to be in a much bigger frenzy than she usually was when we arrived before classes Monday morning.

“You two, you’re here,” she said, strands of hair flying from her brown bun. “Aren’t you early?”

Remus and I exchanged a look. She’d never accused anyone of being early before, only late.

There was something big going on, but we didn’t ask. Madam Pomfrey bustled from one room to the next, her wand in hand and cleaning every already spotless surface. “You two just- stay out of the way. Don’t touch anything.”

We lifted our hands and held them in the air awkwardly, not knowing where to place them. This visit to the hospital started out very poorly. I looked to Remus, but he only shrugged. He was as confused as I was.

Our questions were soon answered when a tall angular man walked through the doors. He looked to be in his mid-thirties with dark jet black hair and high check bones. Every about him looked sharp- angled. Like he was all edges.

“Mr. Gerstel, sir, it’s such a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” Madam Pomfrey babbled like a schoolgirl in front of her crush. The name rang a bell and then I realized Gerstel was the man Lily and Slughorn got so excited over at the party. Delbert Gerstel.

“Likewise,” he said, though his nasally voice implied anything but pleasure. “Are these the students?” He regarded us beneath thinly arched eyebrows and I felt the same way I did at the hospitals soon after being bitten- like a project instead of a person.

“Yes, Mr. Lupin and Miss Hagen. Miss Hagen just transferred from Durmstrang. Mr. Gerstel has made great advancements in wolfsbane research,” Madam Pomfrey explained to us. “He’s highly specialized in the field.”

We murmured our thanks, nothing above a quiet whisper. Speaking directly to this man felt wrong.

“Yes, well.” He sniffed. “Did Dumbledore really feel it was necessary to add another one? Surely he realizes this is a school, not his own private menagerie.”

My blood turned to ice in my veins and I couldn’t have said a word if I wanted to. My muscles weren’t working, my brain emitted static.

Menagerie.

The word struck hard and deep. I could tell Remus had the same reaction beside me. Even Madam Pomfrey seemed taken aback by his cruel words. It was one thing to know how people felt about you and another to hear it directly. It perhaps wasn’t the worst thing I’d heard said about werewolves, but it was the worst directed toward me.

A menagerie.

“Well, the potions, Mr. Gerstel? I believe that was your business here? Come along.” She led him to her back office. He spared one last disdainfully look toward us and turned away.

My body still wouldn’t work right. Remus grabbed my hand and held it tight in his own, so tight it hurt, but it was a distant kind of pain. “Don’t spare him a thought,” Remus hissed, his voice low. “Don’t let that-” He continued on, stringing obscenities together in ways I’d never heard, especially coming out of his usually calm mouth. It sounded more like the things Sirius would say in a fit of anger than levelheaded Remus.

My stomach churned, flipping over itself. Remus pulled me to a bed and pulled the curtain halfway around so we weren’t closed off, but hidden from view of Pomfrey’s office. It removed Gerstel from our vision and more importantly removed us from his. Out of sight out of mind, but that wasn’t true. My mind couldn’t expel him, no matter how hard I tried.

My dreams that night rang with the sound his voice and that word.

Menagerie.

 

Madam Pomfrey came out the next morning with two large beakers of the grey sludge. One she handed to me as she usually did, but the other she gave to Remus. He stared down at it with a mixture of nausea and excitement on his face.

“For me?” He asked. He had a genuine smile that twisted slightly at the smell of the sludge. I hid my grin. I was much too amused by his reaction to the taste after so long of him seeing me have to down it every month. “How? My family can’t afford this.”

“The team contacted me about needing more test subjects,” Madam Pomfrey said stiffly.

Remus glanced over at me. “You did this? You asked your parents?” I nodded, but instead of being rewarded with thanks he scowled and pushed the potion away. “I don’t need your charity.”

Madam Pomfrey looked between the two of us. “You’re of age, I can’t force you to drink it,” she said hesitantly. I gathered she wasn’t used to giving students experimental potions and had qualms about forcing them to consume them. “I’ll leave it out for you, in case you change your mind.”

She hesitated before leaving. “It’s only good sitting out for an hour. You should drink it soon if you want to.”

She left and I frowned at Remus. “It’s stupid not to drink it.”

“I don’t need charity, Ana. I don’t need your parents to pay for any of my treatment. I can handle it.” His face had a red tinge and I couldn’t tell if it came from anger or embarrassment. I wished I could read him better.

“So you’d rather suffer? Suffer through your transformations worse and just let the potion go to waste?” My words were blunt to the point of cruelty, but I didn’t care. I’d thought asking my parents to get double the amount of the sludge would help Remus, I’d thought he would be pleased that I went out on a limb for him like that. I was only trying to help.

“I don’t need it,” he snapped. “I’m not looking for handouts from your rich pureblood family.”

“Is that what you think this is?” I asked angrily. I wished I hadn’t asked my parents for anything at all. “I just want to help! I don’t want you to suffer so much and I wanted to help because I could. Because I care about you.”

Remus’s mouth opened and closed a few times, but nothing came out. I huffed loudly and turned over on my side, facing away from him. I pulled out my text book and began to read, ignoring him.

A few minutes later I heard him gagging as he drank the potion down.

 

The night of the full moon, Madam Pomfrey led us out as she always did, but she was quieter than usual. She didn’t speak or chatter or give us our usual reminders and at times her face still flushed pink from either embarrassment or shame, I couldn’t tell.

We walked under the cover of darkness to the Shrieking Shack where we left Remus as we always did. The Shack was a good place for one werewolf to reside during the full moon safe from people, but not big enough for the two of us.

The second half of the walk was the worst. I regretted leaving Remus behind and having to go alone. Madam Pomfrey stayed with me until we reached the second small shack deep in the Forbidden Forest, but she couldn’t replace Remus. She didn’t understand what happened in my mind these nights the way he did.

She held open the door as I walked in and handed her my heavy cloak. She’d be back in the morning the way she always was, only minutes after my transformation ended. For a moment she paused at the door, as though wanting to say something more, then she bolted the door behind me. It didn’t need the same precautions as the Shrieking Shack against other people as it was so far in the Forest. The other magical creatures knew to stay away on the full moon.

I waited, shivering slightly in the freezing February air. The shack had no heat and no fire, too dangerous for me when I changed. Without my cloak my fingers began to numb almost immediately. The cold wouldn’t bother me for long, I knew. When my humanity disappeared so do all knowledge of physical discomfort. I only existed to kill.

The moon was low in the sky and I could feel the hairs prickling on my back. It wouldn’t be long and a part of me was glad. A part of me craved that side of me, though I could hardly acknowledge that without feeling sick.

Outside the half boarded window, something black moved past quickly. Large and black, like a wolf or some other beast. I frowned, confused for the moment. All the animals in the Forest knew to avoid me, this place, on the full moon. None would venture out here.

I passed it off as the shadow of a tree or a cloud passing over the moon. I didn’t have time to think as the sharp pain ripped through my body without warning. My scream became a howl, revering the moon in all her glory.

 

I woke on the floor, groggy but fully conscious and aware. I stood, surprised by how strong I felt. My weakness was still there and I still hurt all over, but pain becomes relative when your bone structure shifts into a monster once a month. I hoisted myself against the wall and took a tally in my mind of everything serious. Some old wounds had reopened and were sluggishly bleeding and I hurt all over, but that was it.

That surprised me as I leaned against the door. I’d never had a transformation go so smoothly before. Half the time I wasn’t even conscious when Madam Pomfrey brought me back to the Hospital Wing.

The heavy bolt slid open and I jumped, moving my aching back as I did so. “Miss Hagen, you look well,” Madam Pomfrey exclaimed. She had a bewitched stretcher floating behind her and though I did feel much better than usual I still wasn’t up to the long trek back to the castle.

Remus smiled at me wanly, the dark circles under his eyes standing out in stark contrast with the pallor of his skin. I looked similar, I was sure, and possibly even worse. He stood as he often did, unwilling to be carried back to Hogwarts even when it clearly pained him. I had no such pride for my aching body.

“Okay?” He asked quietly, his hand on the stretcher as I floated beside him. He rarely touched me until after our medical exams and we’d been patched up and even then he only touched me gingerly, as though afraid taking my hand would cause me pain.

“Yeah.” Surprisingly okay, though I left it at that.

We didn’t speak much, the previous night still on our minds. I almost wished I could tell Lily how awful her idol was, that Gerstel was a terrible man even though he created potions that were making my life bearable, as I chalked up the lack of pain to his potions.

“You?” I finally asked.

He nodded. “Yeah.”

As I thought about Gerstel, more memories began pushing their way through my mind. Hazy and fuzzy, some blurred around the edges, but the harder I pushed the more I could see them. There was almost a lack of color to those memories with everything in grey scale. There was a wolf or a dog, something large and ferocious, but it wasn’t growling. It seemed playful.

I blinked and shook my head. Probably some nightmare from my childhood, something I’d previously forgotten. Nightmares weren’t altogether uncommon for me and I knew I didn’t remember them all.

A crack of a branch startled me so bad I almost fell off the stretcher, but it shifted with my body weight as it was charmed to do so. Madam Pomfrey paused and looked back into the Forest, but she shook her head. “Just an animal, pay no mind.”

I nodded, but I saw a large black shape like the dog in my dream- and like the shape from outside my window the night before. It made no sense that these had all appeared at once. I frowned and Remus sent me a questioning look. I shook my head, just enough to keep him quiet. I wasn’t sure I wanted to share this newfound revelation with him. Maybe I was going crazy, putting together images of big black dogs and old memories. If that was the case I didn’t need Remus laugh at me.

But just in case… I decided to talk to him later. When Pomfrey left us alone and we’d have some quiet time to talk.


	24. For a Change

In the day after the full moon I couldn’t get the black dog from my head. The Hospital Wing was full of first years from an explosion in their potions class. Their injuries and whining kept Madam Pomfrey busy and Remus and I were cordoned off to the back corner where none of them would notice us.

I told him in quiet undertones about the dog I’d seen, both in the Forbidden Forest that morning and in my dream. I told him everything and Remus listened quietly, not reacting, without any surprise on his face.

“So?” I asked when I was done. “Am I crazy?”

He paused and gave me a long look. “How was your full moon last night? You looked better this morning.”

I shrugged, wondering what that had to do with the dog I’d seen. “It did feel a lot better. Maybe the potion finally started working.” If that came from the potion I was going to stop complaining to Madam Pomfrey about taking it. Feel this much better made up for the nasty taste.

“You don’t remember anything?” Remus asked. “From last night? No vague or fuzzy memories?”

“No, I never remember anything.” Remus knew that. I frowned at him. This line of questioning made no sense to me. “What about the dog? You know something, don’t you? Or you have an idea?”

“Maybe.” Remus shrugged. It didn’t sound like a playful maybe or even that he was trying to make me run mad by not telling me. It seemed more serious than that.

“What is it?” I demanded. If he knew something about my dog, I needed to know. He couldn’t not tell me things like that.

“Later,” Remus said. I frowned. I didn’t want to wait until later, not if he already knew, but I agreed. I didn’t have a choice.

We didn’t speak much throughout the day as I was sore that he wouldn’t tell me about the dog and he seemed preoccupied. The Marauders stopped by later after classes were over and had a huddled conversation with Remus that I was excluded from.

At one point James reached around and smacked Sirius on the back of his head. Sirius let out a loud “Ow!” and attracted Madam Pomfrey’s attention away from the last of the first years. All four boys were banned permanently from the Hospital Wing, barring any sort of injury on their parts.

 

We went back to classes the next day and Lily greeted me with a tight hug, pressing painfully on the bruises I’d received from the full moon. “It’s so good to see you!” She exclaimed, pulling me tighter again. “I get so worried when you’re sick so much- and you don’t even let me come visit you!”

He red hair covered her anxious face as she pulled away. “Are you at least feeling better? You look like you’ve been hit by the Knight Bus.”

I laughed, thinking I probably felt like I’d been hit by the Knight Bus the previous day. “I’m fine, really. Just tired. And behind on work. What’d I miss?”

As Lily gave me the rundown on the various lessons we’d had over the past few days, the Marauders showed up for breakfast. They included Sirius for once, who usually slept through breakfast as he spent his nights polishing trophies by hand or cleaning the hospital wing without magic as detention.

The fact that he made an appearance at breakfast was surprising in and of itself, but when the four of them sat with me and Lily we stared. “Hi?” She said curiously, her voice dipping up at the end to form a question instead of merely a greeting.

James nodded at her and dug into the eggs in front of him. “I’m starved, aren’t you starved, Peter?” Peter nodded and heaped his own plate with eggs. “Remus?” Remus did the same and Lily and I watched their antics with amusement. “Lily, darling dear, have some toast. Marmalade?”

“I don’t think I want-” She began, but James was already spreading it across her toast. He dropped it on her plate.

Sirius yawned. “I think I’m too tired for food.”

“Ana, have you finished?” James asked.

I half expected him to force feed me the same way he did Lily. “No thanks, I already finished.

“Well then what are you and Sirius still doing here? Go get to class! Shoo!” He waved his hands at us and I gave him a strange look. Lily did the same. “What are you still doing here?” James asked.

I shrugged and walked off with Sirius. I heard Lily lecturing him as we left. “What did you do that for, you prat?” A small laugh escaped from my lips and Sirius glanced at me.

“That was a ploy, you know. To get you to talk to me without it looking suspicious.” I frowned at him. James’s behavior now made sense, although why they’d thought they needed a plan I didn’t know. “James’s idea, of course.”

“You couldn’t have just asked me to talk?”

Sirius shrugged and didn’t respond. We kept walking until we were far enough from the Great Hall that we wouldn’t run into any other students. “Remus told me you saw a dog the night of the full moon.”

The words ran together in my head and I tried to piece the puzzle together, but it felt like I was missing too many pieces to see the full picture. “Yeah,” I said. “So?”

“And that you remembered the dog from another time.” I nodded again. What he said made no sense. Maybe I was still overtired and feverish like Lily had said, but I couldn’t grasp Sirius’s meaning. “It was me. I’m the dog.”

That was it. I definitely needed to go back to the hospital wing. “Merlin, I feel like you lot are making me mad.”

Sirius let out a bark of laughter and that word stuck with me. Bark. Maybe I only used it because he’d just made a connection with a dog, but it made me think. Perhaps I was slightly less crazy than I thought. Or perhaps I was about to be locked up in St. Mungo’s.

“Can’t really deny that one, but not for this reason,” Sirius explained. “I- we, I mean- are animagi. Unregistered, of course, who’s got time for the paperwork. But we figured it out in our fifth year.” The information dump hit me hard.

“Ani- you’re an animagus?!” My mouth fell open so far I was sure Sirius could see to the back of my throat. “That’s illegal! Not just expulsion, you could all be thrown in Azkaban!”

“Relax, Durmstrang. No one’s getting going to Azkaban.” His cavalier attitude bugged me. This was a serious issue. It wasn’t just another school rule they were ignoring, it was a law set down by the Ministry of Magic. It wasn’t a joke.

“You could!”

He snorted. “Throw a Black and a Potter into Azkaban for becoming illegal animagi in school? Doubt it. More likely we’d get a slap on the wrists and a twenty galleon fine. But this has to stay under wraps. Just because we won’t get thrown in Azkaban doesn’t mean we want to get caught.”

That at least made sense and I nodded. All of James’s ridiculous secrecy methods suddenly had a good reason, even if they were still ridiculous. “But how? Why? You can’t just learn a spell and do it.”

Sirius shrugged. “I dunno, it was hard. It took us like three months of fifth year to figure it out. Annoying thing.”

“Only three months?” My shock only grew. We had an animagus come visit us at Durmstrang once and talk about it. She transfigured into a snow leopard, a majestic beast, and told us it took her seven years to learn and she had studied the art of transfiguration in depth for decades.

How had a teenage boy figured it out in three months?

I stared at Sirius. I couldn’t help but wonder how intelligent he really was. James too. Peter was no dunce and Remus worked hard, but it was clear James and Sirius were just naturally gifted. I hadn’t realized how much until now.

“You gonna stop looking at me like there’s a thestral standing beside me?” Sirius asked. I blinked and apologized. “Look, just keep it to yourself, okay? We only did this so we could be with Remus on the full moon.”

“If people get bit, they turn. If animagi get bit…” I recalled the lesson we’d learned in school a few years before.

“They just suffer the bite. Animals can’t be werewolves, just people.”

“Shh!” I hissed at him to be quiet. Even though we were alone, I didn’t want to take any chances that someone could overheard. Like he’d said, unregistered animagi were illegal, but the Ministry wouldn’t punish them harshly for it. I’d suffer more if anyone found out what I was.

“Sorry. Anyway, just don’t tell Lily. She’d go ballistic and James doesn’t want her to know.” Lily would go ballistic. She was even more of a stickler for the rules than I was. She’d likely turn them into McGonagall or the Ministry herself.

I nodded in agreement, but then something hit me. “Wait- why did I see you? The other day, in my memory? Why do I remember you?”

Sirius looked awkward and he shifted his weight between his two feet. “That’s not important.”

Him denying the importance only made it seem more so and I put my hands on my hips. “You were there, weren’t you? When I transformed?” I gathered more pieces of the puzzle and things began to make sense now. I’d never remembered any of my nights as a wolf before. I remembered the white pain of transforming and then nothing until I woke up.

Sirius shrugged. “Yeah, fine. I was there. Can we get to class now?”

The bell wouldn’t ring for another half hour and Sirius had never reached a classroom early before. He couldn’t avoid me that easily. “Why? Why were you with me, why not Remus? Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Ugh, Merlin above can we not do this, Durmstrang? I don’t have your answers.” He looked frustrated and raked his fingers through his shaggy black hair. His movements mimicked James’s and for a moment I could see how they’d rubbed off on each other. They almost could have been brothers, in everything but blood.

“Just tell me, please?” I asked. Sirius was weakening, I could tell. It I only pushed a little harder he’d spill everything.

I didn’t know where my sudden confidence came from. It’d been with me for a few days, since telling Avery off at Slughorn’s party. I couldn’t explain it, it was just there.

“Pushy little witch, aren’t you?” He frowned down at me. “I don’t know, I already told you.”

“Well you didn’t just tell me. You could have done that.” I prodded him for answers.

“Couldn’t very well rat on my friends, could I?” Sirius retorted. “Not my secret to tell. James and Peter are in this just as much as me. Besides, you didn’t need to know. You didn’t remember it until now.”

I didn’t remember it until now… He’d done it before? My eyebrows furrowed together as I looked at him. This was making even less sense. I couldn’t remember anything, not clearly at least. That was the worst part of my transformations. Not the pain or the aftermath, but that I lost myself. I lost my mind, everything that made me me.

“How long?”

Sirius shrugged. “Since I knew. Remember I told you I heard you… turn? I was a dog, that’s why you didn’t see me that night. And I’ve been there with you twice. It didn’t seem fair, Remus having all of us and you on your own. If James is with him he doesn’t really need me. Just common sense.” He looked supremely uncomfortable and tugged on his school robes. “Happy now?”

“You didn’t want me to know you were sweet,” I said softly. Because it was nothing short of sweet.

Sirius’s face went bright red in a flash. I didn’t think I’d ever seen him blush before, especially not that deep. “I’m not and you know it. I’m a man’s man.”

“Sweet,” I repeated. A smile grew over my face and I couldn’t have hidden it if I wanted to.

His face turned even brighter. “Silly girls,” Sirius muttered. “Get to class, Durmstrang. I’m done with you.”

I giggled and covered my mouth. It probably didn’t help his notion that I was a silly girl, but for the first time since being at school I felt light, like all my troubles were gone. I had a great boyfriend, Avery finally decided to leave me alone, Lily considered me a close friend if not her best friend, and Sirius was sweet.

Everything was going well for a change.


	25. The Downward Spiral

It didn’t last.

They started small, reminders that they hadn’t forgotten who I’d chosen and that my decision would have consequences. I rarely saw Avery except when he sneered at me in the corridors. It was Mulciber who did the dirty work.

But it stayed small, small enough I could almost ignore them. Mulciber bumped my chair when he passed me in potions, dribbled his potion over my desk and my bag, ran into my in the hallways. I laughed it off whenever Lily or the Marauders noticed, told them I was too clumsy for my own good.

I didn’t want them worrying.

Slowly Mulciber and Avery grew more confident, or they realized their small annoyances were too easily ignored. I noticed it in Ancient Runes one day. I’d seen Avery in the corridor and he smiled coldly at me, though I’d thought little of it. He did that a lot these days.

In class I went into my bag to pull out the essay due today, but it was nowhere to be found. I knew I’d finished it the night before on ten inches of parchment and placed it in my bag ready for class, but it wasn’t there.

I looked again. A second time. The third time I frantically pulled open all my notes and a tiny slip of parchment fell out of my Ancient Runes text.

You appear to have lost something. One would be advised to take better care of what she holds dear.

My face went white. Losing the essay was bad enough. I couldn’t afford to do poorly in any classes since Potions was already so difficult and I missed most of my Defense points with the practical portion. But the note implied more. Avery wouldn’t consider my essay something I hold dear. That phrase applied better to Remus or Lily. The rest of the Marauders.

“Miss Haugen?” Professor Keplar asked. “Your assignment?”

My hands shook and I hid them beneath the desk out of sight where he wouldn’t see, although anyone who did might mistake it for nerves over losing the essay. “I er- forgot, Sir.” It was the worst excuse, but at least it was something.

Blaming it on a Slytherin would only stir up more problems and there wasn’t any proof. No one would believe me, especially after the curse I’d used on Sirius earlier in the year. Most people still hadn’t quite forgiven me for that and kept their distance.

Keplar frowned at me. “Detention this Saturday. You ought to keep track of assignments better.”

“Yes sir,” I said quietly, keeping my head down. As he moved on I heard a few giggles from two Ravenclaw girls in the back. My face burned in embarrassment. I didn’t like being made to look the fool, and especially to be punished for it.

I left Ancient Runes in a foul mood. My notes were scrawled messily on parchment and I hadn’t paid much attention. I’d regret that later, but at the moment I was seething. Angry yes, but scared too. That note was all but a direct threat.

“Oi Durmstrang!” I ran into someone, one of the downfalls of refusing to look anywhere but the stone ground beneath my feet. Two strong arms grabbed me to steady my balance and keep me from tumbling to the ground.

“What’s got you running like someone lit a fire under your arse?” Sirius asked, his grey eyes twinkling.

I frowned at him. I couldn’t tell him the truth, but some variation ought to be okay. “I forgot one of my essays and got a detention,” I muttered. Saying I forgot made me sound daft, like I couldn’t be bothered even though I put effort into all my schoolwork.

“You forgot?” Sirius’s eyes widened. “Guess we’ve been a bit of a bad influence on you. Welcome to the dark side. Have a cookie.” He smirked.

I rolled my eyes at him, but had to hide a small smile. He was as good as Remus at cheering me up. Better yet, he made me forget.

“I don’t think I’ll be making a habit of this,” I said. “Detention though. I can’t believe I got a detention.”

“Relax, everyone gets a detention at some point or other,” Sirius said in his easy drawl. “Look at me, twice a week at least and I’m still a spectacular human being.”

I bit my tongue, not wanting to say that Sirius wasn’t exactly the standard I wanted to aspire to.

“And Lily’s had a few detentions. Ask her about her rebel phase in third year. She’ll know what you’re talking about.”

“Rebel phase?” I tried to imagine Lily as a rebel. Dyed hair, too much mascara, full of sass and backtalk. The picture wouldn’t come. I shook my head. “Stop teasing me!”

Sirius grinned. “Well, maybe rebel’s pushing it a bit far, but she did earn a half dozen detentions that year. It really isn’t a big deal. Rite of passage. Can’t be a Marauder until you’ve got your first.”

I opened my mouth to retort, but then realized what he’d just said. Did that mean I was a Marauder now? Was he offering or just making another joke?

“Catching flies, Durmstrang. C’mon. I’m heading back to Gryffindor Tower before dinner.” He took it for granted that I would follow, but I headed in the opposite direction. He wouldn’t notice I’d vanished immediately, giving me a little time to get away. I knew with the map they could find me in an instant, but I had to take care of things with Avery.

It was easier to think that than it was to actually do anything about, though. For starters, I had no idea where he was. I had no idea what to say to him. No idea what to do.

Thinking about the confrontation made my breath quicken. I couldn’t think about it through the haze in my mind. I found my way to the Great Hall, but as it was only mid afternoon the room was near empty. Only a few students sat around the tables, a stark contrast to the dinner hour.

Avery wasn’t there so I turned back. I didn’t know how much time I had left until one of the Marauders came looking. If Sirius had the map it could be minutes.

The next place to check was the Slytherin Common room. I couldn’t get in, but I waited around outside until a first or second year exited with two friends.

“Hey, kid!” He turned and look at me with a mixture of fear and disdain. He knew how he was supposed to act around Gryffindors, but I was so much older he couldn’t help the small tremble in his lip. “Avery in there? Bardolf Avery?”

“What’s it to you?” His words were tough, but a quiver in his voice gave him away.

“I’m just a friend. Do you know where I could find him?”

The student shook his head and his friend jabbed him in the side. They knew something. Avery was like royalty in Slytherin House. Not only was he a seventh year, but he was a seventh year from the best possible family. Blood meant everything I was finding out.

There were two ways I could see go about getting information out of the kid. The first was the Marauders’ way, bullying him, hexing him. The other was Avery’s way, using blood status and threats.

I couldn’t see using either of them so I stepped back and let the kid go on his way. At the very least, if he knew something about Avery he’d report back that I was looking for him.

All I had to do left was wait for Avery to come to me.

 

I trudged back to the Gryffindor Common room feeling slightly defeated. I hadn’t exactly failed, but I hadn’t accomplished anything either. Everything was always a waiting game. Things happened to me. I never took control. I didn’t know how.

Sirius was sitting in a chair in the Common room when I entered through the portrait hole.

“Hullo.”

From the overly casual tone I could tell he wasn’t pleased, but there was something else that I couldn’t identify. Anger was there and distrust, but there was almost a hint of concern.

“Weren’t you coming back here with me after class? I could’ve sworn you were right there.” His steely grey eyes froze me in place, blocking the exit.

“Didn’t you hear me? I had a meeting with a professor. I said I’d catch up later.” The lie escaped before I even had time to formulate it in my mind. I guessed I was learning. A year ago I’d have been frightened into silence or the truth, but I was a different person now.

“Right.” Sirius didn’t believe me, that much was obvious, but he seemed willing to accept my story for the time. “I must’ve been distracted.”

“Must’ve been,” I agreed.

“Right,” he repeated.

We were saved when James barreled through the portrait hole, slamming me to the ground. “Oops, sorry Ana,” he said as he pulled me back to my feet. His Quidditch robes were stained dark with sweat and his hair stuck up even more than usual.

“Padfoot, Westmoreland burnt off his face and he’s going to be in the Hospital Wing for ages!” James looked from Sirius to me and back again. “Didn’t you hear me? He burnt off his face! His whole face!”

That sounded repulsive, but for whatever reason James appeared excited by it.

“Er- how?”

His face fell. “What does it matter how? It means he’ll be out of the Quidditch game. He’s Slytherin’s best beater even if he is an idiot. Not that they stand a chance against us anyway, but they’ll have to use some new random-” James looked at us. I guess he figured we weren’t as interested as he would have liked. “Never mind. I’ll go find Peter. He’ll care.”

He left with a great sigh, trudging up the steps to the boys’ dormitory.

Sirius stared at me without saying a word. His grey eyes held steady and made my stomach churn. “I hope your meeting with the professor went well.” The end of the sentence went up, as though he was asking a question rather than making a statement.

I shrugged. “Yeah. I should go. Homework. Essays. You know.”

“Right.”

He kept agreeing with me, which made me feel uneasy. Sirius wasn’t one to agree with anyone much. In fact he liked to disagree with everyone, just on principle. He knew something was up, I just didn’t know how much. This thing with Avery needed to be fixed fast, before Sirius found anything else out.

 

Dinner was more normal than I’d expected it to be. As NEWTs were growing ever closer, Lily brought books with her to the table to study while the rest of us talked and occasionally sent us dirty looks for, as she put it, not giving a rat’s arse about our futures.

Sirius seemed to have gotten over his annoyance at me from earlier and acted as laidback as though it never happened.

“I heard you could see his skull,” James said with a guffaw. “Burnt off his flesh right down to the bone.” They were still talking about the Slytherin beater who’d had a potions accident.

“Bet it was an improvement.” Sirius and James high fived across the table with smirks on their faces.

The image of the teenager without any skin on his face wasn’t the greatest for dinner and I pushed my plate away uneasily. Larger fingers threaded through my own and I smiled. Remus could always be counted to notice how I felt.

“Maybe not at dinner, guys?” Remus suggested, his hand warm in mine.

“Girls,” Sirius remarked pithily. “Always got their knickers in a twist over something.”

“Not my girl,” James said. “Right Lil?”

“A blended poison is greater than the sum of its parts which means that the anecdote requires more than simply the ingredients for each poison.” She spat out the words in a rush without even taking the time to breathe, her head remaining bent over the book the entire time.

“Er- what?” James asked.

“Golpalott’s Third Law.”

“Right because everyone knows that off the top of their head,” Sirius scoffed.

Lily glared at him furiously. “It’s sixth year potions. You ought to know it off the top of your head, particularly with NEWTs in just three months. I’m the only one who cares, the only one who’s studying. This is our future we’re talking about and you lot are too busy talking about some Slytherin who had a transfiguration accident to actually give a damn!”

“Potions accident, actually,” James corrected. He was always the only one clueless enough to give her more fuel in her rants.

Lily shot him a scathing look and turned back to her studying, a curtain of red hair shielding her face.

“Well mate, you sure proved me wrong there.” Sirius smirked at him. James just rolled his eyes.

“While I don’t necessarily approve of Miss Evans’s language, she certainly has the right idea. NEWTs won’t be easy, even for you, Mr. Black. You’ll find studying to be a necessity if you want to succeed. I would expect better from the Head Boy and Gryffindor Prefect.” McGonagall stared us all down

I gulped. Even though she hadn’t called me out specifically the way she had Remus and James I still felt the weight of her disapproval.

“Yes, Professor,” Remus and James both intoned quietly.

“However, I did not stop by to lecture you on your lack of appropriate study habits. I need Miss Haugen and Miss Evans in my office, once you finish your meals.” I felt her eyes and the blood drained from my face. It felt as though my whole body had gone numb in a second.

“Of course, Professor,” Lily said as she no doubt realized I wasn’t in any state to talk.

“Good. Carry on.” McGonagall’s lips tightened a moment as she looked at us before she turned and left.

The boys all let out a collective sigh. “Thank Merlin she’s not after us for anything,” Peter said as he started eating again.

“Right?” James smirked before he caught Lily’s scowl. “I mean, that’s my girlfriend you’re talking about. Don’t be insensitive, Wormtail.”

“Nice catch,” Sirius said.

Remus squeezed my hand tightly. “You’ll be fine,” he said quietly. “It’s probably nothing.”

“Look at you, Durmstrang. First detention, then a special meeting with McGonagall? Next thing you know you’ll be getting expelled.”

I frowned at Sirius, but he was right. This was a downward spiral. I couldn’t help but wonder if Avery had something to do with this. If maybe he’d set me up for something and decided to take my best friend down too.

It made sense. A few shoves in the hallway and the stolen essay were just warnings. He had something more in mind and maybe this was it. I should have tried harder to find him this afternoon. Maybe I could have stopped him.

“Earth to Ana.” Lily waved her hand in front of my face. “You done? We should go see McGonagall.”

I picked up my fork and pushed a bite of chicken into my mouth, though just a minute ago I’d been finished.

Lily just shrugged and went back to her studying. I glanced over at the Slytherin table to find Avery. He was sitting near the center with Mulciber, Snape, and a few others I didn’t recognize. I couldn’t march over and confront him now, but maybe if I waited he’d get up by himself. Maybe.

“Oh come on, you’re not even really eating,” Lily snapped.

“Yeah, I just-” I glanced over at the Slytherin table. Avery’s back was to me and he showed no signs of turning around or leaving. It wasn’t like I could just walk over there in front of the Marauders and Lily. “Alright, let’s go.”

Sirius stared at me as we walked away, the only one to notice me watching the Slytherins.


	26. Expulsion

I’d never been to McGonagall’s office before, but it was too warm in the same way that the Slytherin dungeons were too cold. A fire burned brightly in a large hearth on the back wall and McGonagall sat at her desk, dark hair pulled back into a tight bun as always.

She glanced at us through reading glasses and gestured for us to sit with her wand. Two chairs grew from the ground, with hard wooden backs and seats.

I glanced at Lily, but she was already sitting. I followed suit.

My mind raced as I thought of all the rules I’d broken in the past few months. McGonagall had to know something. The Marauders were illegal animagi, maybe she knew Sirius had spent the night with me as a dog. Maybe she knew I’d left grounds without permission. Maybe she knew my secret was out. Maybe this was about my detention on Saturday or my failing marks in Defense. Maybe-

I was beginning to realize there were a few too many maybes, especially since I’d meant to work extra hard to follow the rules. It was a wonder it had taken me this long to get called into McGonagall’s office. I couldn’t even fault her for expelling me.

She cleared her throat as she rested her hands “I’m sure you two are well aware of the unsanctioned party that took place a few weeks ago.”

My eyes widened. The party hadn’t even made the list, but McGonagall had sworn up and down to find out who’d thrown it. I’d forgotten and assumed everyone else had too. It was a month ago.

“Maybe we heard something about it, Professor,” Lily said sheepishly.

“It appears most of your classmates have, except for, oddly enough, the entirety of Slytherin House. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you two?”

I glanced at Lily who was doing all the talking for us. “No, I wouldn’t have any idea why that would be…”

It was obvious she was lying and McGonagall turned to me. “Miss Haugen? Anything to add?”

I gulped. “No, Professor.”

“Of course not.” The wry amusement in her voice shocked me. “I expected nothing less from their own girlfriends.”

“Excuse me?” Lily asked with a frown. I kept my mouth shut as I suddenly realized where McGonagall was going. This wasn’t about me and Lily at all.

“I’m not nearly as ignorant to the goings on of my students as they sometimes wish to believe, Miss Evans. This party occurred not only around your birthday, Miss Haugen’s birthday, and Peter Pettigrew’s birthday, but the only House not invited was the one in constant conflict with the Marauders. Have I about summed it up?”

“Yes, Professor,” Lily and I both said quietly.

I stared down at the ground. She’d all but accused us of being involved with the party, which we were. The boys had promised it wouldn’t get back to us, but now it had. We should have known better.

“I cannot force you to say anything, but both of you should know that I will find out the truth. Do you doubt me in that?” McGonagall’s eyes flickered between us, the brown seeming so threatening and cold.

We shook our heads.

“I will not go lightly just because of who you are. Head Girl or not, you could be expelled.” She paused. I couldn’t tell if it was for dramatic effect or to give us time to think. Either way she sighed. “You are dismissed.”

Lily and I half fell over each other trying to get out the door. For once I wasn’t the most scared person in the room. My expulsion had nothing to do with my secret.

“I’m going to kill him. Kill them all. Very dead. Deader than dead.” Her voice rose an octave as she spoke, the panic creeping in.

“Try to stay calm,” I begged. My own breathing was rather rapid. “It’s not such a big deal.” The lie was intended for myself as much as Lily, but it wasn’t working for either of us.

“Three months until NEWTs. Just- they can’t kick me out with three months left, not after I’ve worked so hard for everything.” Lily sank against the wall, her eyes filling to the brim with tears. “They’ll make me go back and I just- I can’t, Ana. My whole life is here.”

I gulped. I could barely hold it together let alone manage Lily’s hysterics. “The boys will know what to do. They’ve done this before. Right?” She didn’t respond and her breathing quickened to an almost hyperventilating state. “Right,” I answered myself.

Dinner would have ended by now, but I didn’t know where the boys would go. Not the library, not their rooms. It was too dark to really play Quidditch, but knowing James he’d be out there anyway.

Sure enough he and Peter were pacing the length of the pitch and having some kind of heated conversation that involved a lot of animated pointing at the sky. Sirius and Remus sat on the lower wall watching and were the first to see us.

“What happened?” Remus asked, looking worriedly between me and Lily.

Lily practically hung off my shoulder and drew shaky breaths. “She- we- expelled,” she managed before giving up again.

I could hardly manage a more rational explanation. “She threatened to expel us.”

“What? Why?” Remus wrapped his arms around me. “You won’t get expelled, I promise.”

James heard us and jogged over. His face fell when he saw Lily. “What’d you do? What happened?”

“It was the party,” Lily’s voice shook and she tried to calm herself down, but it didn’t work. “That stupid party I never should have let you throw.”

Remus looked at me and I nodded. The lump in my throat had tripled in size making all forms of speech highly unlikely. His arms remained encircled around my waist, locking me into his chest.

James and Sirius exchanged a look. “We should just come clean,” James suggested.

Sirius shook his head. “That won’t help. It’ll just be us getting expelled, or at least you losing your Head Boy and Quidditch Captain status. There’s a better way.”

McGonagall already knew everything even if she didn’t exactly have proof. It wasn’t difficult to figure out. The Marauders may have silenced all those who attended so their names couldn’t be repeated, but McGonagall didn’t miss the other obvious signs that the boys disregarded.

“I can’t be expelled,” Lily said. She had panic in her eyes. “I can’t.”

“Leave it to me,” Sirius said. “I’ll make sure everything’s taken care of. I promise.”

He had a look in his eyes of sincerity. He really meant every word of it, but I still wasn’t convinced he could actually pull it off.

I caught his eye, still with Remus’s arms wrapped around me. Sirius stared for a long moment, then turned his back. “Don’t worry. I’ll figure out a way.”

 

For a few days that was all we heard on the matter. Sirius told us he’d take care of it whenever we asked and eventually we stopped asking. He’d always been good to his word before and there was no reason to doubt it now.

I was torn between worrying over the threat of expulsion and obsessing over Avery. It left little time to panic over my secret being kept and I wasn’t sure whether was good or not. Every moment I grew more used to being me.

I had begun realizing how Remus must have felt at the beginning of the year. With the Marauders and Lily around, I felt normal. They treated me like anyone else. Lily didn’t know what I was, but the Marauders did and they didn’t care. It was only for a few days around the full moon I felt different.

I could’ve been another normal Hogwarts student for all anyone else knew.

A normal Hogwarts student who happened to be friends with the Marauders and a muggleborn headgirl and had a pack of pureblood fanatic Slytherins following her about. That sounded far from normal, but I was finding my standards for normal had shifted.

Saturday morning I awoke early as I often did. Whether it was habit from Durmstrang or the restless sleep that plagued me since that attack, I wasn’t sure. But it left plenty of time to spend on schoolwork before the Marauders woke up and decided their day wouldn’t be complete unless they’d managed to distract me and Lily.

Lily was right about NEWTs. A few months was hardly anything when it came to the tests that could very well determine our futures. I hadn’t yet gone the extra mile she had of cramming study whenever there was a spare second, but I did find myself reviewing old materials and notes.

Outside the light was just beginning to be noticeable, casting a grey sheen over the grounds. I slipped into the common room quietly, not wanting to wake my roommates.

I expected to be alone, but there was already a familiar head of dark hair sprawled out on one sofa. “Sirius?” I asked in a whisper. It still seemed too early to break the silence in normal volumes.

He rolled over and stared at me gloomily. “Mornin’. Bit early for you, isn’t it?”

“I could say the same,” I ventured.

He shrugged. “Fair enough.”

I sat gingerly on a chair. Things had been a little strange between us since I’d snuck away from him in the corridor, but something had to be wrong. It was surprising for him to be up before noon on the weekends, let alone even beat me.

“Is everything okay?” I asked. I didn’t know if that was the right question, but the silence grew longer and I couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Sure.”

That sounded like a definitive no, but I kept my mouth shut. I knew too much about not wanting to share secrets to press him harder. We sat that for a while longer until Sirius broke the silence.

“I got an owl. My uncle died.” He spoke in a monotonous tone, as though his voice was somehow separated from the rest of him.

“Oh Sirius, I’m so sorry.” I’d assumed he hadn’t been on speaking terms with any of his family in years, but where there was one black sheep there was likely another. “Is there- Do you want-” I couldn’t find the words to ask if he needed something so I fell silent.

Sirius only shrugged again. “We weren’t particularly close. Decent bloke, hardly knew he was family half the time.”

“Oh.” Not sure what to make of this, I stayed quiet.

Sirius had yet to look up at me. He continued lying on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. “He’s been dead for six weeks and the first I heard about it was a week ago.” I thought back and realized Sirius had been acting a little odd for the past week

“Well,” I said, trying to come up with something positive to say. “Someone’s told you now. That’s something, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, his lawyer,” Sirius scoffed. “Figure he put it off as long as he could. Uncle Alphard left me some gold, the bloody fool.”

“That’s good, right?” It sounded like a good thing, but Sirius didn’t respond. “I mean, he was thinking of you and wanted to help you. That’s- that’s good.” Sirius let the silence linger on.

I shifted from foot to foot nervously, sure I’d said something wrong. Sirius Black was a talker, he didn’t just shut up for no reason.

“Sit down, would you? You’re making me nervous.” I sat, unaware he’d even glanced at me since I’d come down. He sighed heavily. “He’s probably gone and got himself blown off the tapestry for this. Daft.”

I didn’t know anything about a tapestry so I just nodded along.

“Subject change? This is a bit morbid for before lunch.”

Neither of us changed the subject, instead we sat there in silence. Eventually I opened my book and began reading the various potions we were expected to memorize. I glanced up every few minutes, but Sirius hadn’t moved.

As the small clock in the Common Room chimed eight, he sat up. “I’ll be off then.”

“Off?” I asked. I had no idea where Sirius might be going at eight o’clock on a Saturday morning. This was likely the first time he’d ever even been awake this early on a Saturday morning.

He didn’t answer, but stopped just before the portrait hole. “Don’t tell anyone about my uncle, Durmstrang. Not even Moony.”

I froze. He was asking me to keep a secret from his best friend and my boyfriend. The request sat uneasy in my stomach. “You haven’t told them?”

Sirius shrugged. “They don’t need to know. Just keep it quiet, okay? It’s not like that’s the only secret you’re keeping from him.”

My mind immediately jumped to Avery. Sirius knew something about that, I just didn’t know how much. He was too nice to threaten me outright, but the subtext was there. If I told Remus about Sirius’s uncle, he’d tell him something about Avery.

I swallowed hard. “Okay.”

 

Sirius was strangely absent for the rest of the day, especially considering it was the last Quidditch match of the season. Well, technically that wasn’t true. The Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws had a match in three weeks, but neither of them were in the running for the House Cup. This was the last match that mattered.

Even Lily had put down her books for the day to support James, though I noticed her tuck an Arithmancy text into her bag when James wasn’t looking.

As breakfast was winding down, James was the first to notice. “Where’s Padfoot?” He asked, looking around.

“Probably sleeping,” Lily replied. “He’ll be down five minutes before the match starts.”

Remus was already shaking his head. “He wasn’t in his bed. I thought he was already down here.” The four frowned and looked around while I stared down at my breakfast, suddenly not hungry.

“Everything okay, Ana?” Remus asked. I nodded.

“I can’t wait for the lazy arse to show up,” James said. He sounded annoyed. “When he gets down tell him he’s a bloody idiot.”

Lily rolled her eyes, but didn’t correct James on his language. He hurried off down to the pitch in his Quidditch robes with Peter scurrying behind. I looked at Lily and Remus, then around the Great Hall once more. It wasn’t like Sirius to miss one of James’s matches, especially what might be the most important match he’d ever captain.

We waited for almost thirty minutes until Lily gave up. “You know what? I bet he’s already out there. It’d be just like him.”

“But if he’s not-” Remus started, but Lily cut him off.

“If he’s not he knows where the Quidditch pitch is. Or at least I’d hope he does. He’ll find us. If I miss even a second of the match James will lose it. Come on.” She stalked off, looking annoyed. I couldn’t tell if she was annoyed at Sirius for not showing up, James for requiring she attend his match, or NEWTs for coming up so soon.

The stands were packed and it looked like every student in the school had showed up. Even the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs seemed amped. The two teams were already on their brooms, waiting for Madam Hooch to blow her whistle and throw up the quaffle.

She did and the players took off. They looked like blurs on broomsticks, red and gold for the Gryffindors and silver and green for the Slytherins. I couldn’t help thinking it looked like a match between Hogwarts royalty.

We watched, cheering at every point Gryffindor scored and booing the Slytherins. Slytherins had replaced their beater who’d burnt his own face off, but it was obvious neither of them were very strong. They relied more on brute force than the precision of the Gryffindors.

As James sped towards the highest goal post, a Slytherin chaser rammed him from the side with his broom. The Gryffindors around us booed and Lily’s face was red with anger.

“That’s not legal!” She screamed, but Madam Hooch had already blown her whistle, the sound amplified to be heard over all of the screaming fans. “Bloody Slytherins,” Lily muttered as she sat back down.

James scored the penalty point easily and even from our seats in the stands we could see the smirk on his face. “He’s gonna get himself killed,” Remus commented as James flew by the chaser who had hit him. “He needs to focus on the quaffle, not taunt the Slytherins.”

Lily groaned and covered her face. “I can’t watch this.”

Remus and I looked at her with pity. “You know, if your book just happened to fall open, James wouldn’t need to know.”

“I didn’t-” Lily began to protest then sighed, shooting Remus a grateful look. “Thanks. I owe you.”

As she studied, I rested my head on Remus’s shoulder. Watching the players fly around was beginning to make me dizzy. Sirius still hadn’t shown up and I was wondering if I ought to tell someone about our earlier conversation. He’d sworn me to secrecy, but if he was in trouble I had an obligation to help him. That trumped everything, didn’t it?

“He’s seen the snitch!” Someone shouted.

All eyes turned to the two seekers. Simonson, the Gryffindor seeker, pulled ahead and was racing at top speed toward the ground. Arm outstretched it was seconds before she reached the snitch and closed her fingers tight around it. She pulled up just short of the ground, grinning with the small golden ball in her tight fist.

Cheers went up from the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw sections. The Hufflepuffs were quiet, still sore over their defeat of over four hundred points.

“Thirty points, we did it!” Remus shouted.

The Gryffindor students mobbed the pitch to greet the team just coming down from their brooms. Lily pushed her book back into her bag and joined them. James greeted her with deep kiss which elicited even more cheers from our housemates.

The excitement was dampened by only one thing- Sirius was still nowhere in sight.


	27. Expulsion Part II

As we followed the excitement back to Gryffindor tower, someone grabbed my arm, pulling me out of the crowd. I spun around, ready to yell, but Sirius shook his head at me. I glanced back at the mass of students looking for Remus, but he had already disappeared from view. It only took seconds to lose him.

“Are you okay?” I asked Sirius as we stood outside the Fat Lady, still open as the stream of students poured in.

“Yeah, fine,” he answered. “We won?”

“Yeah, where were you?” I demanded to know. “James is going to go mad when he finds out his best friend wasn’t there.”

Sirius shrugged. “So he won’t find out. We need to talk, but later. Come on, before James gets suspicious.”

He disappeared into the portrait hole and I followed. James was at the center of the room and I had to push through the packed room to reach him. Sirius and Remus were already there.

“Fantastic game,” Sirius congratulated. “You were bloody brilliant. Really took it to the Slytherins.”

James smirked at him. “A few blows can’t keep me down.” He had a cut on his forehead that had already dried, but the brown blood still stained his face. Lily looked less than thrilled by this, but wasn’t complaining.

“Enjoyed every second. Though your beaters could’ve put a few more Slytherins in the Hospital Wing. Give Pomfrey something to do.” This statement was greeted with laughter from everyone around and a few raised their butterbeers.

I couldn’t believe how easily Sirius had fooled them all. He nearly even fooled me and I knew he hadn’t been at the match. It made me wonder how many times Sirius had faked it before. If Sirius we saw every day was really Sirius.

“Where’d you go?”

I glanced up at Remus who stood right behind me. He wrapped his arms around my stomach, pulling my back against his chest. “Hmm?” I asked.

“In the corridor. You were right there with me, then you dropped my hand. Lost you for a minute.” He smiled at me so sincerely that I immediately felt guilty, even though I hadn’t done anything wrong. I couldn’t explain what was going on with Sirius without breaking his confidence so I froze.

“The um people.” I stammered.

He nodded in an understanding way. “Yeah, I kinda got you didn’t like crowds much. Want to go upstairs?”

“Er-” I didn’t know if he was trying to be sweet and keep me from being overwhelmed or if he was asking for sex. The full moon was coming up, but either I was growing used to the overburdening of my senses or it wasn’t as bad as it’d been in the past. Besides, Sirius had said something about talking later. Later could mean ten minutes or it could mean a week, no way to tell. “Let’s stay down here. Celebrate.”

Remus just nodded and went to get us pumpkin juice that some enterprising fourth year had gotten from the kitchens. I waited for him to return on a sofa near Lily and James.

She fussed over his forehead while he retold an embellished story of the match, as though everyone in the room hadn’t just watched the whole thing. “When McManus hit me, I could the bones in my ribs crack, but I knew no matter what- would you stop?”

James jerked away from Lily’s touch as she tried to clean off a bit of the blood on his face. “It’ll take me five minutes to fix.”

“Lily, don’t touch my face!” James batted away her wand with a scowl. “The blood makes me look dangerous. Girls like it.”

Lily raised an eyebrow and I grinned a little. That was a mistake. Remus sat down beside me and handed me a glass of pumpkin juice.

“Girls? What girls would that be?” Lily demanded to know.

“I meant my fans,” James quickly corrected, though not quickly enough.

I rested my head on Remus’s shoulder. Even with all the weird that surrounded Sirius right now and my condition, this was normal. Nothing could be better than curling up with my boyfriend on the sofa and watching our best friends bicker.

 

Later that evening, after McGonagall had yelled at us three separate times to keep it down, most people had gone to bed. Downstairs it was just the Marauders, Lily, and me. About twenty minutes ago James had yelled at everyone to leave and started snogging Lily, both of them forgetting their fight from earlier.

As the clock chimed quietly at midnight, Lily pulled away. “It’s late, we should sleep.”

James groaned. “Come on, Lils. Have a little fun for once.”

“Last time I let you convince me to do something that broke the rules I nearly got expelled,” she retorted. “Right Ana?”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

“I’m not doing anything else to jeopardize these last three months and you aren’t going to either,” Lily snapped. “I could still get expelled because of you. Don’t even pretend like it’s all forgotten.”

James looked sheepish at the accusation. Defending himself to Lily would only make things worse and he knew it.

“It’s taken care of.”

We all turned to Sirius and stared. He hadn’t said a word about the party since promising to make sure none of us got expelled. I’d half thought he forgot since his uncle passed away. It was a justifiable excuse, even if none of the others knew yet.

“Er what?” Remus asked in a confused tone.

“What did you do?” James asked, suddenly forgetting he was trying to convince Lily to stay downstairs with him.

Sirius shrugged. “Not much. McGonagall’s reasonable, you just have to have the right leverage.”

This provoked a long silence. I was sure we were all thinking the same thing. “Uh mate?” Remus asked. “You didn’t try to blackmail McGonagall did you?”

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. “Yeah, that’s exactly what I did,” he replied sarcastically. “Don’t worry about it. I promise nothing will come back to you. You’re all good.”

“Now you’re starting to worry me,” Lily said.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Like that’s an accomplishment. What, is this supposed to be some kind of exclusive club? Almost as exclusive as a club of everyone who finds you four the two most nauseating couples in existence.”

He had a fair point there, even if I did happen to be half of one of those nauseating couples. As though to prove him right, James leaned in and gave Lily a kiss on her very red and angry cheek. “Night Lilykins.”

Lily rolled her eyes at him. “Come on, Ana. We could still get a few minutes of studying in before bed.”

I sighed. The Quidditch match with all the excitement it involved and the party had tired me out. I wasn’t feeling up to studying even though I knew I should. We could all follow Lily’s example and care a little more, but sometimes it just seemed futile.

I kissed Remus good night and followed Lily up to the girls’ dormitory. It was only once we were up there I realized Sirius had never actually answered our questions about how he’d gotten McGonagall to back off. He tried to distract everyone by insulting them- and it worked. Even on me.

I reminded myself to ask again in the morning as Lily pulled out our Transfiguration text.

 

I never got around to asking Sirius what he’d done to get McGonagall off our backs because it was that time of the month again. I’d be willing to bet a good bit of gold that I was the only teenage girl around who went through her monthly time with her boyfriend.

The sludge changed ever so slightly, though it became no less disgusting. It almost tasted thicker, if that was possible. I started to wonder how much thicker it could get before become a solid. The only other change was the frequency I had to drink it. Instead of once every hour, it was twice a day.

“Merlin that’s repulsive,” Remus said as he downed it all at once with a grimace. “Merlin!”

I glared at him enviously. I couldn’t chug the repulsive drink. I had tried, once, after Remus badgered me into it and the resulting experience was enough to keep me from ever trying again.

He watched me with pity as I attempted to swallow the drink bit by bit. “Why do we have to drink this?” I asked Pomfrey as she came in to collect the glass. “It doesn’t even do anything!”

Usually I never would have snapped at her in such a way, but Lily had kept me up half the night reviewing Gamp’s Laws of Transfiguration and my mouth was going to taste like sludge for the rest of the day, no matter what I ate or drank. All of that on top of the painful transformation I had to undergo.

“It’s an experimental potion. They’re constantly tweaking the recipe and soon enough they’ll have achieved wolfsbane. You met Gerstel. He’s a genius potioneer and this could revolutionize the medical treatment of- your medical treatment.” She caught herself before calling us that word.

Everyone seemed hesitant to use it when we were around. Even the Marauders stuck with euphemisms, though I wasn’t sure if that was out of consideration or just because they thought it was funny to joke about Remus’s time of the month.

“You should be thankful for the opportunity,” Madam Pomfrey said with a huff as she walked away.

“It’s not that bad,” Remus said nicely.

I wanted to drink something to get the taste out of my mouth, but somehow that just made everything else taste like sludge. “Yeah, not really.” I didn’t believe that, but it was what I was supposed to say.

“Besides, once they do get everything right the full moon will be that much easier.” Sometimes I wondered how Remus could constantly look on the bright side. I guess it came with getting used to what he was. What we both were.

I smiled at him, but didn’t say anything else. As much as I cared about Remus, I didn’t feel like looking at the positives of our situation. Maybe he was okay with the way everything was going, but I wasn’t.

Thinking about not being okay reminded me that I hadn’t owled my parents in a while. Not since I’d been home almost three months ago for winter holidays, actually. I never figured out a way to let them know I’d started dated Remus and after a while it just became easier to pretend like they didn’t exist.

They were probably worried. Granted they’d probably be worried even if I owled them every day, but I still shouldn’t have let it go this long.

But they could wait another day. I already felt queasy from the sludge potion and on top of that just plain sick all over. I knew I’d feel even worse tomorrow after the full moon was over. And then I’d get distracted again and- No, it had to be done now.

“Do you have a quill?” I asked Remus.

“Essay?” He asked as he tossed on over.

“Not quite. Letter. Parents.” He looked suddenly flushed, but I ignored him as I attempted to think of what to say. I could tell them about Remus, but they’d disapprove and worry more. I could lie.

Or I could just keep everything vague. They’d never know the difference.

The quill felt heavy in my hand as I crafted the most inane letter I’d ever written. I mentioned NEWTs and studying, hanging out with the Head Girl, and that I was feeling fine. And then I signed my name.

“That was short,” Remus commented.

“If you haven’t noticed, I’m a rather quiet person. That carries over to writing too.” It was a bit too snarky for me and I hadn’t thought before I spoke, but I was tired.

Remus smiled at me in that way that always made my stomach quiver slightly. “If you say so.”

I folded the letter into my bag to take up to the owlery later, in a few days. I could just have Madam Pomfrey do it, but I’d rather send the letter myself.

“Have you told them about me?” Remus asked.

I looked up at him with wide eyes. I didn’t know what to say. If I said yes I’d be lying, but he might be offended if he knew I hadn’t. “Er no?”

“Oh.” He looked down at his textbook, but it was clear he wasn’t reading by the way his eyes glazed over.

I felt like I had to explain. “You know how it is with purebloods. They just- it’s easier this way.” I hated the desperation in my voice, as though I was afraid of losing him over this tiny thing. I wish I could have taken back my words, but that was the problem with talking before thinking.

“They accept you,” Remus said. He didn’t sound hurt, not exactly.

“Yeah…” I didn’t feel like telling him I was pretty sure my parents didn’t really accept me. They hadn’t disowned me, but they also didn’t enjoy bringing it up. I didn’t think they’d told anyone, not even my grandfather. “It’s not a big deal, just easier this way.”

“Alright,” Remus agreed.

I wanted to say thanks, but instead I held my tongue. I’d already spoken too much. It was better to let silence fill the room and ease the tension away.

 

After the full moon, Remus and I were both in pretty bad shape. My mind was a blank from the night before and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t recall a single memory. I’d also managed to bite clean through to the bone in my arm which Madam Pomfrey left in a sling while she healed Remus’s various injuries.

He’d hit his head at some point and though I was worried, Madam Pomfrey had given me a calming draught that not only eased the pain, but allowed my mind to drift. I felt disconnected, like I could feel my arms and yet everything seemed unreal around me.

Definitely a feeling I could grow used to.

Finally, with Remus still sleeping, Madam Pomfrey fixed up my arm as best she could. “It’s a werewolf bite, dear. A spell can’t just heal it right up. It should be fine in its own good time.”

I nodded. The calming draught had put me in a place where I didn’t need to care about things like werewolf bites and scarring. My head, full of clouds, was immersed in a state of relaxation.

After a few hours, as the affects wore off and Remus continued to sleep, I heard scuffling around on the floor. I looked, expecting to see perhaps a House Elf or Peter scurrying around in rat form, but instead there was Sirius, as fully human as he was in class.

“W-what are you doin’?” I asked. The calming draught made me slur my words slightly, as if I’d had a few shots of firewhiskey. I shook my head to clear the clouds away.

Sirius grinned up at me. “You feeling okay?”

“I don’t feel much of anything,” I told him truthfully. Madam Pomfrey saved her strongest calming draughts for those students who really needed them, like me and Remus. For the younger kids having panic attacks over exams she used a weaker potion.

“I guess that’s a good thing in your condition,” Sirius said with a laugh.

I shrugged. “It’s been worse. What are you doing here?”

He was on knees, a pail beside him with a wet sponge on the floor. “Detention. You know me. Besides, someone ought to keep you company while Moony’s out.”

“What’d you do this time?” I asked. The haze in my mind made it a bit hard to think, but it had lifted significantly over the past several hours. “Burn down a house?”

“Close.” Sirius winked at me as he pulled up a chair.

I blinked hard, trying to keep my head clear. “If Pomfrey catches you sitting-”

“You worry too much.” His grey eyes twinkled at me from just a few feet away. “Merlin you look out of it.”

I shook my head, knowing I must look worse than I felt. “Stop it. Would you give a straight answer for once? The thing with the party and McGonagall. You never said what you did.”

Sirius shrugged. “Told her it was me.”

“What?” The potion must have still been playing tricks with my mind.

“Told her the whole thing was on me. It’s not like she can argue with a confession.” Sirius shrugged again. He didn’t look upset in the slightest. In fact, he almost had a smile on his face. “No big deal.”

“You did what?” I couldn’t believe he was telling the truth. My mouth fell open as I stared. “But she was threatening to expel me and Lily- and Lily’s the Head Girl! She could expel you twice as fast.”

Sirius leaned back in his chair, two of the legs off the floor. “Not like it matters. I haven’t broken any laws, they won’t snap my wand. I’m of age, got gold in the bank. I’ll be fine.”

I looked over at Remus’s bead, but his sandy hair was still pressed into the pillow as he snored away. I couldn’t have this conversation with Sirius alone, especially not while I was still fuzzy from the calming draught.

“You can’t just get yourself expelled! What about James? Remus? They need you here.” I wanted to come up with better arguments, but my mind was blank. That could have been from the draught, but it might just have been me. I pushed my dark hair out of my face in one agitated gestured and scowled at Sirius with as much force as I could summon, which wasn’t all that much.

“I’m terrified,” he said dryly.

“You being here is important. NEWTs are so soon and you need to graduate.” It was the best I could come up with, but it was true. We only had to stick it out three more months and then we’d be done with Hogwarts for good.

Sirius scoffed. “Don’t kid yourself. You’ll be out in a few months and the five of you are the ones that really need your NEWTs. What am I going to do? Get some nine to five job at the Ministry pushing papers? Don’t count on it.”

“But you could do something,” I protested. “Fighting You-Know-Who, travelling, I dunno. There’s more jobs than just at the Ministry.”

“You don’t get it. I’m a Black. At one point that opened doors, but with my parents disowning me- people don’t want to risk angering the family. They have ties to Death Eaters. And everyone else still sees me as a Black.” Sirius stared at me, the twinkle gone from his eyes.

I gulped. “But there’s still got to be something. You can’t throw your life away. What would James say?”

“He’d say he’s not my keeper and neither are you. Don’t forget you’re Moony’s girlfriend, not mine.” He scowled as he walked away, back to the bucket and sponge on the floor. “You don’t get a say in my life.”

I sat quietly on my bed, staring at my arm in the sling. I didn’t know what else to say. Sirius sat on the floor scrubbing away, looking much too interested in the already shiny surface.

“We’re friends,” I said quietly. “And it’s your life. You can’t throw it away.”

“I have enough gold to last me for a good long time,” he said without looking up. “And like you can talk. What job are you planning on getting? Think the Ministry would hire you? Or anyone for that matter.”

I bit my lip and glanced away. The last of the calming draught’s affects kept me from crying, but not from the ice that now ran through my veins.

“Merlin, I’m sorry, Ana.”

“It’s fine,” I said, pushing away the emotion that threatened to overwhelm me. “I know that’s inevitable.”

“I shouldn’t have snapped. I just- I’ll handle this, okay? I’ll be alright.” Sirius waited for my response and finally I nodded. The motion felt stiff and awakrd when all I wanted was to curl up in my bed and sleep.

Only now the draught was gone and my arm throbbed worse than anything.

“Do you think she will?” I asked Sirius, still facing away from him. “Expel you, I mean?”

He was quiet for a long moment before answering. “I don’t know. She said they’d make a decision in the next week and until then I’ve got detention every day and two on Saturdays.”

“Oh.” With my good arm I pulled the blanket up over my shoulders, effectively ending the conversation.


	28. What I Need

I assumed Sirius had told the others by the time Remus and I got out of the Hospital Wing by the way they treated him. It was as though they were walking on eggshells. Lily kept shooting him looks while pretending to study her textbook and James hadn’t made a crack all day. He just kept staring sullenly off into the distance.

I was also worried about Sirius’s possible expulsion, but even more than that I couldn’t get his words out of my head. There was nothing untrue about them- he was right. No one outside of Hogwarts would accept me or hire me.

I’d known this all along, but being accepted by the Marauders had helped me to forget. Now it was all I could think about.

My old plan began to return. I’d only ever intended to stay until graduation, then I’d leave the country. Leave the continent, even. Canada seemed like a good place to go. They had laxer laws about people like me, even if the prejudice remained. I could hide there. Pretend to be someone else.

Actually be someone else.

I wanted so badly to not be me.

“It’ll be okay,” Remus said, easing his warm hand across my back. “We’re all worried about Sirius, but he’s done worse. They won’t expel him.”

I nodded, allowing Remus to think I’d been worried about Sirius and not myself. I should have been more concerned about his future, but all I felt when I thought of him was cold.

I glanced up, but Sirius looked nearly as sullen as James. None of us were cheery today.

Lily tried every few minutes to start up a new conversation, but no one gave her much. “What happened to your arm?”

It took a moment before I realized she was talking to me. “Oh I uh fell.” It was a bad lie, almost as bad as conveniently getting sick every month. I was just relieved no one I was close with was interested in astronomy.

“And Pomfrey couldn’t fix it?” Lily asked, her brow furrowed. “She’s amazing with simple injuries.”

“That’s what she said,” I intoned in a disinterested voice, hoping Lily would catch the hint.

She didn’t. “You always look so much worse when you come back from there. Let me see your arm, maybe there’s something I can do.”

She reached out with her wand and I jerked away, the pain from movement burning up the length of my injured limb. It stung worse than my injuries usually did. I’d never bit myself so hard before. “Don’t, okay? What could you do that a fully trained healer can’t?”

Lily looked hurt, but withdrew her hand. It felt like a vicious cycle. We all just kept snapping at each other and saying mean things. Three more months and we wouldn’t even be friends anymore.

“I should go. Class. Studying.” I pulled away from Remus and left the rest of them at the Gryffindor table. I wasn’t in the mood to do anything but sulk and feel sorry for myself.

In the corridors I meandered. I didn’t have class for another hour, but that wasn’t really enough time to do anything else. I kept to the back hallways that students didn’t often use so I was surprised when I saw another student. The seventh year Slytherin who followed Lily like a puppy- Snape, his name was.

His face twisted when he saw me into a cruel mask full of disgust. I frowned at him, but didn’t stop. I couldn’t afford to get into it with another of Avery’s friends. Who knew what he might do to me.

“Half-breed,” he spat. I froze in the corridor, my foot barely touching the ground in front of me.

He knew.

He knew.

This Slytherin boy who hated me knew.

I couldn’t move and I heard him walk closer until he was just inches from my face. I closed my eyes, praying for it all to go away. My hands shook, but other than those small tremors I could have been a statue. If I didn’t move I might not make much of a target. I hoped.

“Filthy half-breed like Lupin. Disgusting.” He sneered at me. Snape wasn’t unattractive, but hate made him ugly. He held his wand in one hand, it’s point close to my stomach. He could curse me, kill me. Leave me here in the corridor alone.

I couldn’t feel my face. Fear made me numb. I wanted to turn back time more than anything. I knew now Hogwarts had been a mistake. Everyone would find out who I was. What I was. They’d never let me stay. Remus too.

“You and your kind need to get out.” His dark hair hung in greasy strands, falling into his eyes as he leaned in closer to me. “Stay away from Lily. She’s better than you. She doesn’t need your filth to rub off on her.”

He stalked down the corridor without a second look. I still couldn’t breathe. For several long minutes I stood in the same position, as though by not moving I could erase what had happened. When my muscles began working again I sank against the cold stone wall.

It should have bruised my back or at least sent chills up my spine, but I didn’t notice anything. There was a disconnect between my mind and body. Nothing felt real.

I wished nothing was real. I wished I wasn’t real.

I didn’t know how long I was there on the floor. I must have missed class because the next thing I knew Remus was crouched beside me looking as worried as I’d ever seen him.

“Ana? What happened? Are you okay?” His voice sounded far away, like it was coming to me through a wall. I shook my head. My throat had long since closed. It didn’t want to allow air in, let alone sound out. “Is it your arm? Let’s go to Madam Pomfrey, she’ll fix it.”

I allowed Remus to pull me to my feet, but my legs cramped as I straighten. Remus’s strong arms held me up. I must have been on the floor for hours, waiting for the news to spread. He guided me a few slow steps, but when we reached the corner I froze, my senses suddenly coming back to me. I leapt back, my eyes wide and fearful.

“No!” I shouted, pulling away.

Remus stopped too, but he didn’t let go of my arm. His grip was firm, but not tight. Comforting. Perhaps it would have worked if I was in any other state of mind. “Ana-”

“They know.” My voice shook and soon my entire body was trembling. “He told them.”

“He who?”

I shook my head. That was Avery’s master plan. To find out my secret and spread it to the rest of the school. He could get me expelled without lifting a finger.

He’d already done it.

“I can’t go out there, they’ll know. Everyone knows by now. Everyone.” My voice cracked. I’d just been starting to feel at home here the last few months and now I had to leave, just like with Durmstrang.

“Whatever you think is going on, I promise you it’s not,” Remus said slowly in a calm tone. “Can you breathe?”

I shook my head. The shallow breaths I’d been taking left me light headed and nauseous. 

Remus pulled me towards him and steadied me with both hands. “We’re going down to the hospital wing, alright?”

I let him guide me, though I flinched every time we passed someone in the corridor, whether they seemed to notice us or not. By the time we reached the first floor I’d managed to begin breathing again. No one had called me out. Maybe there was still a chance I could get home before word got out. Maybe Snape was waiting for just the right moment, when it would be worst.

After Madam Pomfrey checked out my arm and gave me yet another calming draught, my breathing managed to slow to a normal pace. Remus hadn’t let go of my hand the entire time and my fingers were beginning to ache from his bone crushing grip.

Still I wouldn’t think of asking him to let go. He kept me grounded. He was the only real thing I could at the moment.

I rested my head against his chest. “Snape knows,” I finally said. My throat tried to close around the words. “Everything.”

Remus hugged me, almost tighter than I could stand. I needed it.

“He won’t tell anyone,” Remus whispered. “He can’t.”

“But-” I remembered I hadn’t said anything about Avery and closed my mouth. Remus couldn’t know about that. “He knows,” I finally repeated lamely.

“He’s known about me for two years and never told a soul,” Remus said confidently. “Dumbledore won’t let him. Snape won’t go against Dumbledore, not even for this. You’ll be fine.”

I bit my lip. I didn’t believe him. He hadn’t seen the look in Snape’s eyes. That was pure cold. Utter disgust. He felt nothing but hatred for me. My kind, he had said. I didn’t want to be included in with those monsters. I didn’t want to, but I was.

“He won’t tell, Ana.”

I said nothing in response.

“I promise you.”

I let him hold me for another moment before pulling away. “I want to leave.”

“I’m sure Madam Pomfrey will let you once she checks-”

“I want to leave Hogwarts.”

“Oh.”

I couldn’t meet Remus’s eyes. I knew he’d be disappointed in me. I knew just saying that had let him down.

I wanted to make him understand, but I’d thought he would. He was like me, after all. He was like me, but we were so different. Too different, perhaps. He grew up knowing what he was.

“I can’t be here.” It was the best I could come up with.

“At Hogwarts?”

I shrugged. It was more than that. More than just this school. “I don’t know.” But I did. “I have plans, for after we graduate. Canada.” It was the first time I’d mentioned my Canadian plans to Remus and I still couldn’t meet his eyes.

“Why?”

Of all the things I had expected him to ask, that wasn’t one of them. He should have understood. It was the way people treated us, the way we’d never really be a part of them. That we were other. Always on the outside. The way we constantly had to hide and lie. The fear that someone would find out and we would be shunned or attacked. Or worse.

But I couldn’t say any of this because Remus experienced all that too. He just didn’t see things the same way I did. “I want to get away,” was all I could manage.

Remus let go of my hand, the first time all evening. The air around it felt cool, as if the temperature in the room had dropped. I didn’t move it away, in case he changed his mind.

He didn’t.

 

I didn’t leave my room all weekend. Lily stayed with me, but she kept trying to get me to focus on schoolwork or talking about what happened. All I wanted was to be left alone.

She refused to take the hint and continued hovering, only leaving to get us food a few times a day when she’d make me eat with her. Our yearmates, namely Paige and Maggie had taken to avoiding the room as much as possible, only showing up at night to sleep.

Sunday afternoon when Lily returned with food from the kitchens she sat on the foot of my bed. “You have to talk to me,” she said, her voice slow and soft like she was speaking to child. “James said something happened with Remus, but he was a bit hazy on the details.”

I looked up into her bright emerald eyes. She was my best friend after all. With everything that had happened with James, Lily would know relationships better than anyone.

“I think he hates me,” I told her. My voice sounded small and childlike, even more so than usual. “We can’t- I can’t do relationships.”

“Everyone can do relationships,” Lily said. I knew she didn’t mean to sound patronizing, but she couldn’t help it sometimes. “What happened?”

I didn’t know how to start. With Snape, I supposed, but she didn’t know what I was and hopefully wouldn’t until I was long gone. Then the Hospital Wing, then Canada. None of that could be explained to Lily. She wouldn’t understand.

“Ana, give me something to gone on here.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, though what I meant was I couldn’t talk about it.

Lily stared at me for a moment and I felt exposed, like she was sizing me up. Finally she nodded. “Come here.”

I leaned against her and she pulled through the tangles in my hair with a brush. Her small hands felt soft and gentle as they eased through each inch of hair. I sighed at her relaxing touch.

“James started asking me out in our fourth year,” Lily said. Her easy tone was almost as soothing as her hands. She pulled the brush smoothly down the length of my hair. “I never said yes. He was arrogant, but that wasn’t why I turned him down.”

She abandoned the brush and began separating my hair into sections, tugging gently as she threaded them in and out. “He was popular. A Quidditch star from the moment he made the team. Pureblood. I couldn’t imagine what he’d want with me.”

I didn’t know where this story was going, but Lily’s soft hands kept my head in place and I let her continue.

“I thought he was making fun of me. All those years he spent asking me out I thought it was just another prank, the way he used to hex the Slytherins. I never once imagined he might actually like me.” Her voice shook slightly and I realized this might be hard for Lily to talk about.

“But he does,” I said, just in case she still had those thoughts.

“I know that now.” I could almost imagine her smile, sweet with a touch of amusement. “But then I wouldn’t have believed it coming from anyone. I just knew someone like him couldn’t like someone like me. We all have our doubts about what we deserve and what we’re meant for.”

One more tug and Lily let go, my hair swinging free from her grasp. “There. All done. What I mean is that you’re no different. We all have our issues and secrets. It doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy.”

I turned around to look at her, my hair tied into a neat French braid. “Everyone’s different,” I said quietly. She wouldn’t have said what she did if she knew. Knew that I wasn’t fully human.

Lily only shrugged. “You’ll believe what you want. I’m just telling you what I know.”

I nodded and looked away, feeling consumed by guilt. I was a monster, not even human. I didn’t deserve Lily’s kindness. Snape was right. What I needed more than anything was to get away, to be alone. To protect everyone from me.

I needed to leave Hogwarts.


	29. Cursed

Lily convinced me to attend classes Monday morning. With the full moon and everything that happened after, I’d been out for over a week. I had yet to talk to McGonagall or Dumbledore about leaving yet so Lily made the argument that I was expected to show up for class.

I knew she was right, but that didn’t make walking into double potions with the Slytherins any easier. No Avery in that class, but both Mulciber and Snape were there.

And my partner was James. I hadn’t seen him or any of the Marauders since that night with Remus. I wished I could avoid him and sit with Lily, but she was paired off with Sirius still.

Lily stuck by my side as we walked into class together. No one took notice of us, which wasn’t unusual as we mostly kept to ourselves except for with the Marauders who hadn’t shown up yet. They were always late.

“Told you it wouldn’t be so bad,” Lily said with a smile. I thought that was rather optimistic considering class had yet to even start.

When Slughorn came in with James, Peter, and Remus just a few steps behind, I glued my eyes to the table. I had to put up with James for the sake of our potion, but that was it.

He slid into the seat beside and kept his eyes straight ahead. A week ago he’d have made some joke or gone off about some Quidditch detail from the last practice or match. Now it was just silence.

I knotted my hands together in my lap as Slughorn explained the lesson for the day. The board had half of the potion’s instructions- the first half. We had to finish them. There was to be no brewing, which was a slight relief but didn’t change how much interaction I had to have with James.

I kept still as I paid attention, refusing to glance over at James no matter how much I wanted to. It took only moments for my resolve to weaken and I finally looked at him out of the corner of my eye.

To my surprise, he wasn’t looking at me or ignoring me in any obvious way. He was staring straight at the front where Lily was seated next to Snape, their heads bent together whispering.

James had an iron grip on the table. His knuckles grew whiter with every passing second and I wondered which would break first, the wood or his bone. His face turned a pale red the longer Lily and Snape whispered.

My stomach flipped when I suddenly made the connection. Snape knew about me and he wanted me away from Lily. He wanted Lily safe from me, and I’d been with her almost every waking minute since. This would be his first chance to talk to her and he was milking it.

“Where’s Sirius?” I asked, the first words either James or I had spoken.

“Meeting with Dumbledore and McGonagall about his expulsion,” James answered, his voice as tense as mine.

He was probably the only person on earth who hated this situation more than me. In fact, I hated it so much I forgot things between me and James were supposed to be awkward.

“Do you think he’s telling her?” I asked absentmindedly.

“Telling her what?” James snapped.

“About me.”

James let out a disgusted sigh. “Look, I know your life’s not exactly fantastic sometimes, but you’re not the only one with problems, okay? Sirius is about to get expelled so you won’t get in trouble, I haven’t spent any time with my girlfriend because you’re monopolizing every second of her time, and Remus won’t acknowledge anything is wrong even though he hasn’t looked this bad since before we all found out.”

I sat frozen while he lectured. “And if you cared even the slightest you’d know how hard we’re all trying to help you get through this, but you’re wrapped up in your own head twenty four seven.”

I stared at him blankly, then slowly pulled out my potions text. If we were to transcribe the rest of the potion we’d need out book.

“And this is exactly what I’m talking about,” James muttered. “Let’s just figure out the damn thing so we can go.”

The two hours passed slowly. Lily and Snape figured it out after thirty minutes and Slughorn let them go. They left together. Lily packed up slowly sent me an apologetic look, but Snape waited for her at the door. My stomach flipped over, but I tried to remember what James had said. I wasn’t the only person in the world.

Still it was hard to remember that when the person who knew my secret and hated me was off gallivanting with my best friend.

“There’s not a single potion in the book,” James said with a sigh. “This is impossible. Why couldn’t I have been paired with Lily instead of you?”

I raised an eyebrow at him. After he snapped at me at the beginning of class things had gotten more relaxed between us.

“I mean, no offense, Ana, but Lily’s like some kind of potions savant. You’re like- well, me.” He grinned, showing a bit of tooth. “So if the potion’s not in the book how are we supposed to find it?”

I thought back to all our other lessons. We’d had some kind of instructions before, this was the first time Slughorn had made us figure it out ourselves. James and I couldn’t even handle when we had the instructions.

When Peter and Remus left twenty minutes early, that was the last straw.

“Alright, what are we doing wrong?” James asked, running his fingers through his already messy hair. I’d noticed it was a nervous habit, when he wanted to look calmer than he was. “There’s got to be something we’re missing.”

If there was, I couldn’t see it. We’d looked over the entire potion a dozen times, gone through the book twice, and we were still no closer to finding the answer.

“Merlin, I’m done.” James dropped his quill on the desk and ink splattered over our parchment.

“Want me to write random steps?” I asked. James nodded and I scratched in the second half of the potion based on common steps, like crushed beetles and porcupine quills. A few instructions for stirring counterclockwise and we were done.

“That looks passable,” James said as he looked over it. “Maybe Slughorn will think we got confused halfway through, but had the right idea.”

“Or maybe we’ll get a T,” I replied.

James smirked at me. “Not like it’ll be my first. Can’t be a Marauder without a few Ts. Catch you later.”

He took off down a different corridor and I headed off to History of Magic. Both Lily and Snape were in that class and I wasn’t looking forward to it.

Neither of them were there when I entered the room, but that didn’t mean they were together. At least, that’s what I told myself. They still weren’t around when Binns started lecturing, droning on in his dull voice.

Lily hurried in, ducking behind the door and trying not to catch Binns’s attention. “Hey,” she whispered as she dropped her bag beside me. “Sorry, got caught up at the library.”

Snape wasn’t around so I nodded. Maybe she had managed to lose him after potions. Maybe Remus was right and Snape wouldn’t tell anyone. That was still a possibility. Perhaps not one I’d thought realistic, but still an option.

“How’d you figure out the potion?” I asked in a whispered tone.

“Hmm? Simple antidote. Severus caught it immediately.” She jotted down a few notes from Binns as I watched. I wanted to ask her about Snape, but I didn’t know how. She was still talking to me so he must not have said anything. “You just had to reverse one of the poisons.”

Hearing her talk made it seem so simple, like James and I should have caught it. I wondered if we were the only ones in the class who’d missed it. “Lily?”

“Yeah?”

I couldn’t bring myself to say anything about Snape. “Thanks for helping with the potion,” I finished lamely.

“Sure. I’ll always help you study. Can’t pass your NEWTs without studying.” My gut twisted. I’d told Lily I intended to leave and not take my NEWTs. If she thought I was just going to forget about that she was wrong.

Part of me still struggled with this, but my mind was made. Durmstrang drilled work ethics into us from day one, it just didn’t matter anymore. As much as I might appear a normal student, I wasn’t. That fact would become abundantly clear as we left school for the real world. I could receive twelve Outstanding NEWTs and it still wouldn’t matter.

No one would hire a werewolf so why bother pretending.

 

As we walked back to Gryffindor Tower, I caught sight of Avery. He wasn’t exactly lurking behind walls, but he was clearly watching us. Watching me. I didn’t know if the sneer on his face was directed towards me for being a blood traitor or Lily, the muggleborn.

Or maybe it was for my halfbreed status.

“I’ve got to- grab a book from a professor.” My lies lately had gotten worse and worse. It really was time to get away from Hogwarts. “You go on ahead.” Lily looked at me funny, but only shrugged and walked off.

I hurried back to where I’d seen Avery. He was talking menacingly to a first year and brandishing his wand. I didn’t want to turn that anger on myself, but the kid didn’t deserve it.

He turned and looked at me when I walked up and gestured for the first year to run off, which he did quickly. “I heard you were looking for me,” Avery said in a slow drawl. “Interesting.”

I tried my best to keep my expression calm, the way we’d been taught as children. “Hello Bardolf.” It was my voice that betrayed me, the slight tremor I couldn’t control.

“I hope this means you’ve changed your mind. Normally we would have written you off as a lost cause, but you come from good breeding.” The words seemed so harsh. Good breeding. Like we were dogs and needed a pedigree to be shown. “Breeding is everything. If Black were to come to his senses we’d even accept him into our own. He is a Black, after all.”

This conversation nauseated me. It was what I’d been looking forward to in my life just a year before. Perhaps not with Avery, but I’d be marrying some pureblood suitor my parents approved of. It all came out to the same.

Now I wasn’t sure if that was better or worse than what I was looking at now, the abyss of nothingness that would soon consume my life.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. This was no time to feel sorry for myself. I needed to get it together just for a few minutes to stand up to Avery. I was a Gryffindor, after all. I needed to show him that Gryffindor courage.

“Speak up, Ana, dear.” His lips twisted into a cruel smile. “I can garner quite a bit of amusement from your attempts to act like a Gryffindor. You know it’s not really you.”

I was a fraud of a Gryffindor, that much was true. Dumbledore never had Sorted me, just assigned me to Remus’s House.

“You need to leave me alone,” I said, the tremor still in my voice. “Me and all my friends.”

“Why ever would I do such a thing?” Avery asked. “You’re one of us and we don’t let go easy. If you want your friends left alone, just come with me.” He said it like it was the most reasonable answer in the world, but I couldn’t do that. Even if I wanted to, I was a halfbreed. A filthy halfbreed, as Snape had said.

“Just leave us alone,” I repeated. I hadn’t had much of a plan and suddenly regretted not coming up with one. It was clear Avery wouldn’t back down easily. A simple please wouldn’t help my case. “Please.”

“Going to add a pretty please on top of that?” Avery asked, mocking me. “Get down on your knees and beg, perhaps?”

I shook my head. I wasn’t a prideful person, not like some of my friends, but this was too much. The thought of getting down on my knees to beg to him was disgusting. “Please, just stop.”

“Oh darling, I’m only getting started. I want you on your knees begging. Begging for your friends’ lives. Begging for that little mudblood you care about so much. Now.” Avery punctuated the last word with a jab of his wand.

I’d just started to shake my head again when I fell to my knees, unwilling. The cold stone bruised my knees as I slammed into it. My own wand hung from the pocket in my robes, only inches away, but my hands wouldn’t move. I couldn’t stand, speak, or move. He had forced me into place.

With a cruel laugh from Avery, I could look up again. “That’s better, isn’t it? More appropriate.”

As much as I fought the curse, it was useless. I couldn’t match his strength or even overpower him temporarily.

“Why don’t you try begging me out loud? Don’t forget to call me sir.” He still had his wand pointed at me and his dark eyes glistened, amusement at my humiliation.

I could feel the words bubbling up in my throat as something in my mind demanded that I speak. As much as I fought to keep my lips sealed, it just wasn’t a battle I could win.

“Please, sir,” my voice squeaked out. “Please, I’ll do anything.”

I looked away, my eyes seemingly the only function I had control of. I couldn’t meet his eyes, not with what he was forcing me to do.

“Anything, you say?” Avery laughed cruelly. They were his words, not mine. He was only playing out the scenario he had written and I didn’t want to know where it would end up. “Answer me,” he thrust his wand in my direction and my head immediately nodded jerkily, the motion feeling unnatural.

“I’m sure I could think of a few things to keep myself entertained for the next few days.”

Days? I immediately fought against the constraints of the spell, but nothing gave, not even a little. As hard as I pushed, the curse held fast, strong against my will power.

Avery seemed amused by my attempts to fight his commands. “Stand, Ana dear. Follow me.” He didn’t wait to see if I obeyed, if I walked behind him. He just knew that I would. My ordeal was to last longer.

I was trapped in my own head with no means of escape.

I followed Avery down the corridor, just a few steps behind with my head bowed in respect. All I could do was pray he’d get bored soon, before anyone saw me with him, but I knew that was too optimistic.


	30. The King to the Rescue

Avery didn’t do much with me over the next hour. Mostly I followed him around like a lost puppy dog. It felt like he was parading me through the school, but I didn’t know if that was just for my benefit or to show off to everyone else. Avery wasn’t the kind of student who needed to incite more fear in those around him. 

He’d done that already.

As he stopped to speak with yet another of his Slytherin friends, I froze behind him. It seemed whenever he forgot I was there I wasn’t permitted to move. I wasn’t able to move. I hated that what I was permitted to do and what I physically could do were the same. I needed to break free from him, but didn’t know how.

“Ana, don’t make me ask you twice.” It was a joke he liked, since he didn’t even have to ask the first time.

“Yes, sir,” I said with a dull voice. I’d given up fighting him. It was a futile exercise that only left me mentally exhausted. 

“Do you think we ought to pay a visit to your Gryffindor friends? What about that boyfriend of yours? I think he’d like to hear you call that Head Girl a mudblood.” He laughed while I just stood there. Avery smirked at me. “Ana, would you like that?”

I nodded. “Of course.”

“And?” He prompted.

“She’s a mudblood.” The word felt dirty and wrong in my mouth. It felt like I needed to spit to rid myself of the taste. At this point I’d have rather taken another of Madam Pomfrey’s sludge potions.

“Good girl.” He was such a patronizing git that I wanted to hit him, but he was in control. I’d have been too scared to hit him even if he wasn’t though. “Out to the Quidditch pitch, then. That’s where your beloved Gryffindors are.”

I couldn’t he was making me do this. Well I could, but I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. I’d got myself into this awful mess and there was no way out. The only thing I could do was sit by and watch while it all happened.

I felt disconnected from my body as my legs took steps I wasn’t commanding them to take. It was as though Avery had cut off contact and replaced it with his own. I knew what curse this was- the imperius curse. It was one of the unforgivables. We’d learned about them at Durmstrang, but they were unforgivable. No one would teach them to school age students.

Except for whoever taught Avery.

“That looks like them, doesn’t it?” Avery asked. I could see Lily’s red hair even from this distance as she leaned against James. Peter and Remus were there too, but no Sirius. I took this all in while we got closer. I felt Avery’s force push me to the front so I walked beside him, as if we were friends.

“Ana?” Lily asked as we approached. Her green eyes flicked from me to Avery. “What’s going on?”

I wanted to tell her the truth, tell her Avery was forcing me into this, but the words wouldn’t even reach my throat. All I could do was think them.

“Don’t talk to me, mudblood.” The voice was mine. I felt my mouth moving with the words, but they weren’t my words. I wished like hell I could take them back, especially as the hurt filled Lily’s eyes.

James drew his wand and pointed it at me. “What happened to you?” He spat. “Don’t come around here and say things like that.” The anger in his eyes was worse than I’d ever seen it. Usually he was the most laidback of his friends, but now he looked like he wanted to kill. Kill me.

I looked at Remus and that was the hardest of all. His amber eyes stared back at me, steady and solemn. “Ana-”

“Don’t bother. You lot are mudbloods and blood traitors. Not fit to breathe the same air.” I hated myself in that moment more than I ever had before. More, even, than when they’d told me I was a werewolf. This was the worst moment of my life.

“Whatever he’s said to you, we can protect you. If it’s threats or lies. It’ll be fine,” Remus said. I tried to convey a message with my eyes since they were the only body part that still belonged to me. I hoped he could see, but if he did he said nothing.

“Bardolf doesn’t need threats or lies. I’ve seen the truth. And the truth is-” I choked on my words, trying and failing to keep them down. “The truth is you lot are scum. Worthless. The Dark Lord will reign supreme and you will all regret not turning to him when you had the chance.”

For a moment I could breathe as the pressure Avery constantly pushed on me eased. I couldn’t fight his bonds, but it was a start.

The Marauders’ and Lily’s faces were in shock as they stared. James was full of hate. Lily looked like she wanted to cry. Peter just looked surprised. But Remus, he was staring at me like he didn’t recognize me at all. Like he didn’t know me at all. And that hurt the most.

“I think we’re done here, Ana. Don’t you?” Avery asked in his faux friendly voice. I heard the cold undertones though, full of hatred.

He walked off and I followed, trying to send my friends one last apologetic look. James glared back, the only one to meet my eyes. This hurt more than when I cut myself off from my Durmstrang friends. At least then I’d never had to face them.

“Wasn’t that fun?” Avery asked as we walked off together. “Great fun. I had a blast.”

We were almost up at the castle when we ran into Sirius coming out. Even though he was in front of me, I could almost see Avery’s smile at the thought of having more fun and torching another of my relationships.

“Blood traitor,” I said unwillingly.

Sirius took one look at me and drew his wand. “What did you say?”

I gulped, suddenly afraid of my friend. He had a temper and he knew how to curse. Avery could get me seriously injured, but that couldn’t be any worse than what I’d already experienced.

“You are a filthy, disgusting, good for nothing blood traitor. Your friends are the lowest scum and your family-”

“Expelliarmus!” A jet of red light shot from Sirius’s wand and I flinched, but it sailed past me and straight into Avery. His wand flew out of his grasp and landed twenty yards away. I stumbled back, in control of my own body. I looked up at Sirius gratefully, but he was advancing on Avery with his wand still pointed at him. “If you like unforgivables so much, why don’t I try one of the others on you? I’ve got a cousin who’s a big fan of the Cruciatus curse. Care to find out if it runs in the family?”

For the first time I saw a flicker of emotion cross Avery’s face: fear. He was afraid of Sirius. And at the moment, I was too. He looked like he had no qualms about torturing the Slytherin.

“Sirius, stop,” I begged, the first words in over an hour that had been my own.

He froze, his wand pointed directly at Avery’s throat. For a long moment we all stood stock still, as though moving even the slightest hair would upset our balance and push us into chaos. Then Sirius withdrew his wand, still pointed in Avery’s direction, but no longer at his throat.

“I’ll do something to you later,” Sirius muttered. He shooed Avery off with his wand and watched until the he was back in the castle. “Evil git of all gits. Are you alright?”

I nodded. The only thing that hurt was my bad arm, no longer in a sling but bandaged under my sleeves. It would have ached anyway, though probably not this bad. My head was also spinning a bit and I didn’t feel too steady on my feet. Still, I could breathe without the curse on me.

“You’re not going to collapse, are you?” Sirius asked, reaching out to steady me.

I shook my head. “It’s fine.” He kept his hands on me anyway, until I stopped shaking. “How did you know?” I asked.

He shrugged. “You forget who my family is. You had the look, the glazed over eyes and awkward movements. Usually there aren’t any signs, but if it’s a weak caster you can tell. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I pushed his hands off me. Then my face paled and I was overtaken with panic. “The others! He made me-”

“You’re not accountable for anything you do under the Imperius curse. They’ll be fine. You need to calm down or you’re going to pass out.” He eased me back to the ground against a large tree.

Sitting was easier. My head stopped spinning so much and the ground felt solid, firm. It calmed me and I could breathe easier. Sirius looked in my eyes and nodded in approval. “You’ll be fine. If you need to puke, do it over there. Not on me.”

“I don’t need to-” I protested, then a wave of nausea hit him. I doubled over and spewed my guts all over Sirius’s shoes. I felt instantly better. It was like my body was attempting to rid itself of anything dirty that remained from the curse.

“Thanks,” he mumbled sarcastically. I offered to clean his shoes off, but he did it himself. “Don’t attempt magic for the rest of the day. You’ll get lightheaded and nauseous, maybe pass out or vomit on me again.”

“Sorry,” I said, though I really felt fine. Almost back to normal. “Seriously, how do you know all this stuff?”

“I told you, it’s the signs of a weak caster. It’s so intrusive into your mind that your body rebels as soon as it’s free. A strong caster and you’ll never know the difference.” The way he spoke about it was so frank and matter of fact, but I was sure he hadn’t learned that in school. Hogwarts didn’t approve of teach that sort of thing.

“Yes, but how?” I asked once again.

“I told you. My family.” When I didn’t look away, Sirius let out a heaving sigh. “They used to have me and my brother practice on each other when we were younger. Stupid stuff, really. I’d make him do things to our House Elf and he’d make me do chores. When we got a bit too cocky Father used it on us.”

I stared, openmouthed. That was horrible. I couldn’t believe parents would do that to their children, even fanatical pureblood parents. “Oh. I’m sorry,” I said.

“That’s how I know the difference between a strong caster and a weak one. Regulus never got too good, but with Dad half the time it felt like a dream.” Sirius shrugged and shot me a wry smile. “Fun times in the Black household. How are you feeling?”

“I told you, I’m perfectly fine,” I said. He looked like he needed a change of subject so I didn’t press the issue with his family.

“You said that the last time and then puked on me. You need food, something to drink.” I shook my head. I really was fine, Sirius should just let it go. All I needed was to go see Lily and the other Marauders. Get them to understand. “And no, you’re not doing anything stressful just yet. I’ll talk to them, but you’ve got to rest.”

I stared. It was like he could read my mind.

“In addition, you need to go see Dumbledore or McGonagall immediately. Get Avery thrown out on his arse. See how his precious mummy and daddy like that.”

“What? No!” I stared at him in horror. Avery was as good as a Death Eater. I didn’t need someone like that with a grudge against me. There was already Snape, who knew. I just wanted to leave in peace and let them all forget me.

Sirius watched me carefully and I tried to school my face into a less fearful expression. “You know how it is.” He was the only other Marauder to understand the pureblood pressure. James too was a pureblood, but it was different for him. His family had been considered blood traitors for generations.

“Alright. But the others are going to want you to turn Avery in. And you can’t not tell them.” It was a catch 22. I couldn’t lie, but telling the truth would get me into another mess. “And you should see Madam Pomfrey. Just in case.”

“Stop fussing over me,” I said giving him a slight push away. “I told you I’m fine.” I kept repeating that aloud, but inside I was still pretty shaken up.

“Just trying to help.” Sirius smiled at me. “You’ll be fine, just give it a few hours. The shakiness will ease.”

I frowned at him. He needed to get out of my head. I didn’t like that he knew exactly what I felt. “Look, none of it will matter soon anyway. I still plan on leaving. Then it’ll be fine and I won’t have to deal with-” I waved my arms around. “This. Any of it.”

“You know you’re including Remus in that, right?” Sirius asked me with a raised eyebrow. “Him and Lily and, well, me?”

My face flushed. I hadn’t meant it like that. I didn’t want to leave them, but the way things were going I didn’t have much of a choice. Sacrifices needed to be made. “You’ll be fine without me,” I said, putting up a much stronger front than I felt. “You were last year.”

“Last year you weren’t Remus’s girlfriend or Lily’s best friend,” Sirius replied quickly. “You can’t pretend like we’re not losing you.”

I shook my head. My mind was made up and he wasn’t going to change it. I didn’t respond and instead closed my eyes, feeling the sun against my skin. It was the first warm day of the year; the first day we didn’t need to wear our cloaks outside, though a slight breeze kept it cool.

When I opened my eyes again, Sirius had leaned back against the tree beside me. He looked younger with his eyes closed and as his hair blew into his face I felt the urge to brush it away. But I didn’t.

“You said something about food?” I asked, breaking the silence.

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. “Knew it’d get you eventually. Kitchens or lunch?”

“Kitchens,” I responded immediately. I didn’t want to see anyone in the Great Hall. Avery could be there. Or the Marauders. Lily. I couldn’t face them until Sirius explained what had happened.

“Figured as much,” he said with a grin. “Come on.” He helped to my feet and I felt much more steady than I had when I sat down. It still felt wonderful to be in control of my own body, though.

As we walked to the kitchens, I remembered that Sirius hadn’t been in potions that morning. James had said he was meeting with McGonagall and Dumbledore about his possible expulsion.

“Weren’t you getting expelled?” I asked.

Sirius smirked at me. “You honestly think they’d expel me? Hogwarts can’t run properly without Sirius Black.”

“So you’re in the clear?” I asked.

“Of course.” He grinned and shook his hair cockily. “Free and clear and ready to rain hell on the Slytherins. Back to making their little lives miserable in a flash.”

I rolled my eyes. It seemed he was, in fact, back and just as arrogant as ever. Surprisingly, I was glad to see it. He deserved that, even if it was irritating as anything sometimes. “So they let you off with a warning?”

“Not quite. I’ve got detention nearly every day for the rest of the school year. It’s a win win.” Sirius’s grey eyes leveled with me, full or mirth. “They did me a favour, actually. Once you add all these up I’ll have two hundred and forty five. That’s eight more than that idiot dead bloke. A new record.”

I remembered that from the beginning of the year. Sirius had sworn to set the record number of detentions in one year. It seemed even more ridiculous now seven months later. And oddly enough, he seemed proud of it.

“Well, er congratulations I guess,” I said. “If that makes you happy.”

“Durmstrang, I am the king. Why wouldn’t I be happy?”


	31. My Best Friend

I pretended to be asleep when Lily came up to bed that night so I wouldn’t have to talk to her. Maybe it wasn’t the most mature way to handle the situation, but every time I closed my eyes I saw that look on her face. She was so hurt, her eyes full of tears.

I couldn’t face her. Not after what I’d done.

I was tired anyway and slept better that night than I had since coming to Hogwarts. I even slept through breakfast and only woke up because Maggie was making a lot of noise in the bathroom getting ready for the day.

We hadn’t spoken much since early in the year. The rest of the girls in my dormitory had taken to avoiding me after I’d cursed Sirius last fall. I couldn’t say I was too upset by that now. I had Lily, Remus, and the rest of the Marauders after all. They were the best friends anyone could hope for.

As I got out of bed, Maggie noticed me. “Oh. Were you asleep? I didn’t mean to wake you.” She didn’t seem unfriendly, so I smiled at her and just shook my head. She talked a lot, but from what I had seen she seemed nice enough.

She was styling her hair in the bathroom mirror while and brushed my teeth. “Don’t you usually get up early? You’re never in here when I’m getting ready. You and Lily both.”

I was a bit surprised that she kept up the conversation, but not unpleasantly so. “I don’t sleep much,” I told her after I spat my toothpaste in the sink.

“More time to study, I suppose,” she said. “Guess we could all use a little more of that, what with NEWTs coming up and everything. Want me to do anything with your hair?”

“What? No it’s fine. But you know, thanks.” I stumbled over my words. I never did anything with my hair, just left it hanging there. It seemed ridiculous to care about my appearance knowing what I was.

“Alright,” Maggie shrugged. Her blonde hair hung straight as a pin just past her shoulders. I knew for a fact she had naturally curly hair, but every morning she straightened it. I couldn’t imagine putting that much effort into my appearance every day, but it seemed to make her happy.

“Are you-” I coughed as the words dried in my throat. “Would you like to walk down to breakfast together?”

Maggie gave me a quizzical look. “I never eat breakfast. We’re not all lucky to be as naturally stick thin as you.”

“Oh.” I couldn’t believe I’d never noticed that before. I wondered what else I didn’t know about my yearmates, but then I realized that would be quite a lot of information. I hadn’t spent much time with hardly any of them.

And they didn’t know they were rooming with a werewolf.

I decided to skip breakfast and my morning classes entirely in favor of seeing McGonagall. I needed to speak with her if I wanted to leave school early. She could make it happen for me.

I got to her office twenty minutes before her first class. I knocked and she looked up, surprised to see me. “Good morning, Miss Haugen. Shouldn’t you be on your way to class?”

I gulped and nodded. “There was something I wanted to talk to you about, Professor.”

For a moment she looked stern, as though she was going to say no just on principle, then she nodded and the tightness in her lips eased. “Have a seat. What did you need?”

I told her everything. Well, that would be a lie. I told her about feeling out of place, not fitting in. I told her about the constant strain lying to everyone put on me. I told her it wouldn’t even matter if I aced all my NEWTs. Lastly, I told her about my plan to leave.

“Canada?” She asked dryly, her eyebrows raised. “And you’re certain about this?”

I nodded. “It was my plan, ever since last summer when I- you know.”

“And you won’t think of changing your mind?”

“No, professor. I’m- I’m sorry.” It felt like I was letting her down, but she didn’t seem upset. Still, I felt an apology was in order. She and Dumbledore both had pulled strings to get me into Hogwarts and now I was leaving early, throwing that in their faces.

“Miss Haugen, do you know how long I’ve been a professor?”

I blinked at her in surprise. That wasn’t the question I’d been expecting. I shook my head.

“Quite a few years longer than I’d like to admit. But in all that time, I’ve prided myself on knowing my students, doing what’s best for them even if they don’t agree at the time.”

I knew what was coming. She was going to say my education was too important to throw away, that I needed to stay here just a few more months. I didn’t think she could keep me here, but if she kept delaying there might not be much I could do to fight it.

“Education is important. Perhaps one of the most important aspects of your life, but,” she paused, her solemn eyes trained on me. “You are in a difficult situation. I don’t believe it would be appropriate for anything to assume they can begin to understand what you’re going through. That includes me, no matter how much I would like you to remain here until the end of term.”

“What?”

McGonagall smiled at me, the first time I’d ever seen her look kind. “I can have you back on the Hogwarts Express Saturday morning. That should give you plenty of time.”

My head spun. Saturday. This was Tuesday morning. That gave me less than a week to pack. To say goodbye. I hadn’t really expected McGonagall to oblige my request and now I didn’t know what to feel. Happy that I was getting away? Or sad that I was leaving my friends.

“Thank you, professor,” I said. Any other words would have been too difficult.

“The train will leave eleven o’clock sharp Saturday morning. A carriage will take you down to the Hogsmeade station. Don’t be late.”

I nodded. I wouldn’t be late, not unless the Marauders decided to kidnap me to keep me here, which wasn’t a possibility I was ruling out just yet.

“I still expect you to attend your classes for the remainder of the week. I will speak with your professors and the Headmaster, but you are to follow all rules or I will see to it that you stay an extra week to serve any detentions you might accrue. Is that clear?”

I nodded and stood, heading for the door. I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize leaving. Not after the plans I’d made, not after ruining everything with my friends. I needed to get away. It was as simple as that.

“Oh, and Miss Haugen?” I spun, suddenly afraid she might rescind the offer. “If you do change your mind or have any second thoughts, come see me.”

“Of course, professor. Thank you.” I hurried out the door before she could say anything else or change her mind. I couldn’t quite catch my breath. I still had classes to get to and my bag was still in the dormitory, but did it even matter? Would any of my professors still care if I didn’t show up?

Still, I couldn’t take the chance so I went back to the room. If I hurried, I wouldn’t be more than a few minutes late for Defense Against the Dark Arts. Wootin still didn’t like me ever since I’d cursed Sirius, but he’d understand just a few minutes.

In the end, I was nearly ten minutes late. Perhaps it’d have been worse, but today was a practical lesson and I wasn’t allowed to participate anyway. Wootin didn’t say anything when I came in, just frowned slightly and continued helping one of the Ravenclaws strengthen his shield.

I settled down in a desk positioned off in the corner, feeling like I ought to be wearing a dunce cap and facing the wall for my bad behavior. Still I pulled out parchment and a quill so I could at least pretend to take notes.

I watched Lily and the Marauders as they shot jinxes at each other. Lily had paired off with James and they slowly made their way across until Lily was only a few feet from me.

She smiled, red hair bouncing as she hastily blocked one on James’s jinxes. I bet James pulled his spells, though he’d never say as much to Lily. “Hey,” she said.

“Hi,” I replied. We hadn’t spoken since I’d been imperiused and even though I trusted Sirius to tell them the truth, I couldn’t get Lily’s face out of my mind. I’d made her cry, for Merlin’s sake.

“So er Sirius talked to us last night,” Lily said. James nodded in agreement, even though he was further away. I figured they’d planned this together.

“He said he would.”

“I’m so sorry, Ana. I swear we didn’t know. You do believe us, don’t you?” Lily looked genuinely upset, as though she had done something wrong. That stung. I’d been the one that messed things up and made mistakes. It wasn’t her fault.

“You don’t have to apologize,” I said. She still looked upset and I didn’t know what to say. “It was stupid. Just- it’s fine, okay?”

“I can’t believe Avery would do that. I knew he was evil, but-” Lily shuddered and sent a jet of light in James’s direction. He blocked, but it blew through his shield and exploded into the wall behind him.

“Oi you two!” Wootin shouted from across the room. “Less chatting, more focus!”

Lily turned away from me and set her sights on James who was returning fire. They waited a few minutes until Wootin was distracted again to attempt talking.

“Have you spoken with McGonagall and Dumbledore yet?”

I’d known that was coming. I shook my head slowly, then remembered she was still dueling James. “No, I don’t think-”

“You have to tell them soon! That wasn’t just some silly school rule he broke, that was an unforgiveable! He needs to be in Azkaban!” Lily sounded outraged.

She didn’t understand how things worked. It was a silly spell and Avery was a student from a pureblood family. At worst he’d be fined, put on some ridiculous probation. Nothing would happen to him. It was easier to just forget it had happened entirely and not make any enemies.

“Ana?”

I glanced up, into her bright emerald eyes. “I can’t, okay? It’s not worth it. Just leave it be.”

“But you can’t-”

“Potter, Evans! Attention on the duel, not Miss Haugen. I don’t want to have to ask you again.” Lily snapped to attention at the sound of Wootin’s voice and her face turned a pale shade of red.

“Sorry sir,” she murmured.

“I expect better of the Head Girl and Boy.” He turned his back and Lily whispered a quick sorry to me.

I wished she would stop apologizing. She hadn’t done anything wrong. I was the one who made everything worse.

 

After class Lily caught up with me even though I’d tried to leave quickly to avoid all my friends. Former friends. I wasn’t sure anymore. “Hey, I’m sorry about that. I know he’s not your biggest fan.”

“It’s fine, everything’s fine,” I muttered.

“We just all wanted to apologize, not only me and James. Remus and Peter too. We didn’t know.” She grabbed my arm, her small pale hands cool against me. “Please, don’t be mad.”

“Mad?” I asked, suddenly surprised. Of all the things I was feeling, that didn’t even begin to cross my mind. I could never be mad at them for something I had caused.

“Ana, we’re so sorry. We should have known you’d never do anything like that,” she pleaded with me.

I stared at her, my eyes still wide with surprise. “I don’t- nothing was your fault. You don’t have to, you know, do that.”

“Then we’re okay? Everything’s okay?” Lily asked, looking relieved.

I shrugged. Now was as good a time to tell her I was leaving as any other. Saturday wasn’t that far away and she needed to know soon. “Actually, I’m not going to be staying much longer. I talked it over with McGonagall and, well.” I gulped as I tried to find the right words to tell her. “I’m leaving Hogwarts.”

“What?” Lily’s mouth fell open. “Why? When?”

I supposed I’d already answered the who and where. “We both agree it’s for the best. I let my parents know too and they’re fine with it.” That was a lie, but it sounded better to have more adults on my side.

“But what about NEWTs?” Lily asked. “And Remus?”

I noticed she didn’t mention herself. “I don’t need NEWTs and things with Remus are-” I couldn’t bring myself to say the word over. “You know.”

“It’s only a few months,” Lily protested.

She pulled me into an empty room which looked to be some kind of unused classroom. A few tables were pushed into the corner. “Spill,” Lily demanded. “What’s really going on? You don’t just decide to up and leave for no reason. Is it because of what happened with Avery? Because we can stop him if we go to Dumbledore.”

I shook my head. That was an awful idea. “No, it’s not. It’s- everything. And there are things you don’t know about me…” I trailed off with a sigh. I couldn’t just tell her what I was, though that would get her to leave me alone. “It’s complicated.”

“It’s not complicated,” Lily argued. “And maybe I know a lot more than you think.”

I frowned. Just because Lily thought she knew I was afraid of Avery or missing Durmstrang didn’t mean she knew a lot about me. “Like I said, it’s complicated.”

With a scowl at me, Lily pointed her wand at the door and it slammed shut with a bang. She pocketed her wand again. “There, now we’re really alone. It’s time for the truth. All of it.”

I glanced between my friend and the closed door feeling well and truly trapped.

“Well?” Lily prompted.

“Well what?” I asked. “I told you there’s nothing else.”

“Severus told me.”

I choked on the air I was breathing and jerked my arm away from Lily’s. “What?” I asked in shock.

Lily stared at me evenly. “Severus told me everything. But I already knew. Suspected.”

I couldn’t wrap my mind around this. Lily knew- had known- for days. Maybe weeks. Longer even. And she was still here talking to me. She hadn’t called me a monster or fled. Yet. “How?” I asked, unable to formulate a real question.

She only shrugged. “I’m observant. Took me a few months, but you and Remus were always disappearing at the same times and well, it doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together.”

My mouth opened and closed like a fish. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“What did matter?” Lily asked. “It was your secret to tell. It’s not like it changes anything.”

But what she didn’t understand was that it changed everything.

“Look Ana, I get that you’ve got your own stuff going on, but you being a werewolf changes nothing.” I flinched at the word. “You’re still you.”

“No.” That was what the Marauders had essentially said too, but it wasn’t true. I was what I was- and that was a monster. “It doesn’t matter. I’m still leaving.”

“Going where? How will you get a job?” Lily asked with her hands on her hips.

“A job?” I could barely contain a laugh. “Maybe you don’t get it since you’re a muggleborn, but I’m not going to get a job. There’s a registry. People do background checks. No one is going to hire a werewolf. No one.”

“How do you know?” Lily asked. She was so naïve. “Some people could surprise you.”

“I wouldn’t,” I said with a shrug and it was true. Just a year ago, I’d have refused to be around someone like me. I’d have owled my parents to get them out of the school. I hated admitting it, but I thoroughly agreed with Snape about me. I was a monster and I shouldn’t have been allowed at Hogwarts.

“You don’t know that,” Lily argued. “You’d be surprised what people will do. You’re still you, just one night a month you get a little wild.”

I rolled my eyes. Another euphemism. What was it with these Gryffindors? Furry little problems, time of the month. It’s like they couldn’t admit to themselves what was really going on. The Marauders just treated it like some big joke.

“I want to get away. From England. From everywhere familiar. I’m not me anymore.” Lily opened her mouth to argue, but I cut her off. “I’m not. This- everything- it changed me. It did and I can’t be here as someone else. Everything is familiar, but- not.” I took a deep breath. “I don’t belong.”

“You belong with us. It doesn’t matter that you’re a werewolf.”

I flinched. “Would you just stop saying that word?” I snapped.

“Sorry,” Lily murmured. “I just really need you to stay. I mean, what would Remus do without you? He loves you.”

Remus and I had never used the word love and I wasn’t about to start now. “He’ll be fine. You all will. You were fine before I came. Happier even.”

Lily scowled at me. “So what, you think you showed up and I just dropped my many other friends to run off with the new girl? You’re my only friend, if you don’t count the Marauders.”

I stared at her. I’d never thought about it before, but it made sense. I’d never seen her with anyone else, except for prefect meetings and Head duties. Thinking back, she had seemed almost a little lonely at the beginning of the year.

“When I got my Hogwarts letter, I asked my best friend if it would matter that my parents weren’t magical. He said no. He lied.” Lily drew a shaky breath. “Then I lost him in our fifth year and everyone already had their friends. People weren’t really looking for a muggleborn prefect to join their cliques.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to stay.”

We looked at each other, her green eyes meeting my brown ones, and for a moment neither of us said a word. The tension suffocated the air around us. It was my turn to speak, to admit to Lily that secretly I wanted to stay all along and she’d broken through to me.

But it wasn’t true.

I broke the frozen moment with the slightest shake of my head. “I can’t.” My voice sounded pitiful, childlike and desperate.

Lily turned away, unable to face me. “Alright then.”

Then, just as quick, she threw herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck. I returned the hug, just as tight. I was going to miss Lily. No matter which way I looked at it, she was my best friend. And I was leaving her behind.


	32. A Survivor

I knew I had to talk to Remus. I’d avoided him ever since that night in the Hospital Wing, but I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye. I owed him that much at least.

Still, it was easier to pretend I had all the time in the world to talk to him. I was still putting it off when Sirius found me after Arithmancy Thursday afternoon. He was waiting in the corridor outside the classroom when I exited. “Hey,” I said in surprise, not expecting to see him.

“We need to talk, Durmstrang.” His tone was serious, with little inflection on the words. He beckoned and I followed him, this time actually staying with him instead of taking off to find Avery. He led me around the castle so much that I felt as though we were going in circles until stopping in front of a wall.

His brow furrowed and he paced back and forth three times until a door appeared.

My eyes widened. “What was that?”

“Ever wonder where we held that party? This is it.” The large door creaked open and Sirius ushered me inside.

The room was much too small to hold a party and it wasn’t the same room I remembered. It looked like a smaller replica of the Gryffindor common room with one sofa and a chair. On the other side of the room was large bed. I glanced at Sirius. “What is this place?”

“Dunno,” he said with a shrug. “It won’t show up on the map because it doesn’t technically exist half the time. It changes. Whatever you want. Whatever’s on your mind.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “And a bed was on your mind?”

His face reddened slightly. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Durmstrang. I’ve had about six detentions already this week. Excuse me for being tired.”

“No need to be so touchy,” I told him, relaxing into one of the easy chairs. “How’d you find this place?”

“Pete did by accident, third year. Been coming here ever since.” He tossed himself onto the sofa as I looked around in amazement. I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

“You lot know everything about Hogwarts,” I said.

Sirius laughed. “Nah, there’s a hidden swimming pool we’ve yet to find. It’s gotta be around here somewhere, but no such luck.”

“So,” I said, dragging the word out.

“I hear you’re leaving school.”

I coughed. “What? Where’d you hear that?” The only people who knew were Lily and McGonagall and I couldn’t see either of them having a heart to heart about it with Sirius.”

“A little birdy told me,” he said sarcastically. “So you going back to Durmstrang or something?”

I frowned. They wouldn’t let me back in and Sirius knew it. “Canada.”

“Hopping the pond, then. Always a classy move.” His eyes were closed, but I could tell he was anything but relaxed. “Very mature, running away from all your problems. You do realize you’ll still have a furry little problem in Canada?”

“Yes, I’m well aware of how this all works,” I said dryly. Sirius was one of the few people I managed to speak my mind around. “What’s it to you?”

“What’s it to me?” He repeated. “Hmm, perhaps the fact that you’re my friend. You’re Remus’s girlfriend. You’re a part of our lives. You matter.”

He was the second person to give me the spiel lately and I was growing tired of it. This was my life, no one else got a say. “You’re not going to guilt me into staying. Lily already tried and she’s better at it than you.”

“We’ll see,” Sirius said with a shrug. I frowned at him and he smirked. “Were you at least going to tell us before you went? Or just leave some kind of pathetic note behind?”

“I was going to tell you,” I said, though I had considered just owling them all letters. He didn’t need to know that. It perhaps wasn’t my finest moment and further proof that I never should have been a Gryffindor. “Just waiting for the right time.”

“That’s bull and you know it,” Sirius spat. He opened his eyes and fixed me with a steely grey stare. “When are you leaving?”

“Saturday.”

This time it was Sirius’s turn to look surprised. “You mean Saturday like next week Saturday, yes? Because I know you don’t mean you’re leaving in two days and just hadn’t got around to telling us yet.”

“I told Lily,” I said quietly.

“You’re leaving in two days and didn’t bother to tell us? Merlin, Durmstrang. That’s low.” He looked angry, but his eyes were hurt.

I felt my stomach twist in guilt. Perhaps he was better at guilt tripping than Lily. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean- Sorry.” I didn’t know what to say. It seemed like all I did lately was upset my friends. It’d be better once I was gone, off in some remote place in Canada. I wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone anymore.

“Have you even told Remus yet?” Sirius demanded.

I hesitated, then shook my head.

He cursed. “Damn it, Durmstrang. The boy’s half in love with you. You can’t just leave without saying goodbye. You owe him that and an explanation at the very least.”

“I know,” I said, the guilt overwhelming me. “What do I say?”

“The truth might be a good place to start. Just a thought, though,” he said sarcastically. Sirius was still scowling at me and I didn’t see that letting up anytime soon. “You should really reconsider, you know.”

“Reconsider what?” I asked. “I haven’t got a future here.”

“You haven’t got a future in Canada,” he retorted. “What are you going to do, hide out in some tiny cabin in a forest and become a recluse? Nice plan.”

This time I matched his scowl. “What’s my other option? Stay here and be jobless, living with my parents until they die because I can’t afford to move out? Watch the rest of you get married and have kids and careers and a load of other things I’ll never have the chance to do?”

Sirius shrugged. “That’s what Remus is doing. You have him.”

But having one person wasn’t enough. It didn’t matter that that one person was like me and had the same problems I had. Remus wasn’t enough for me to have a life here.

“And you’ve got Lily. And me. If you won’t stay for you, stay for us.” He stared at me, his scowl softening. Sirius sat only a few feet away, close enough I could have reached out to touch him. “Stay for me.”

I blinked and the moment seemed to stretch an infinity. Say yes. Part of me wanted to say yes, make that promise and stay. I could stay for my friends. I could stay for Remus and Lily. I could stay for Sirius.

“You’re not my boyfriend,” I said at last, echoing his own words from just a few weeks ago. “You don’t get to ask me that.”

~

I left Sirius in the room and wandered the corridors for a bit. He’d been right about one thing. I needed to talk to Remus. And soon. Before he found out some other way like Sirius had. This was going to be the hardest conversation yet.

I returned to the Gryffindor Common Room and found Remus with Lily and the other Marauders, minus Sirius who was undoubtedly taking a nap. I sat down with them at the table and immediately Remus and Lily stared at me. “Hi,” I said.

Lily raised an eyebrow at me and then glanced to Remus. I inclined my head slightly and she smiled. “James, I decided you were right. Maybe it is time I fly on a broom.” James had been bugging her to fly with him for weeks and Lily adamantly refused each time. I was amazed at the lengths she would go to for me.

I mouthed thanks at her as she took James hand and left. That left only Peter and he was easy enough to get out of the way. I kicked him surreptitiously under the table.

“Ow, what?” He asked. I scowled at him and he sighed under his breath. “Fine. Whatever.” It took him only seconds to gather his books and leave. I’ll admit it wasn’t the smoothest plan, but it worked.

“Subtle,” Remus commented. He had gone back to his Herbology text and copying notes of the various venomous plants we’d studied over the year.

“Thanks,” I replied dryly.

He looked up at me and smiled. That was all it took to transport me back to when he’d first kissed me with the taste of firewhiskey still on his breath. That smile. I loved that smile.

“Well?” He asked, interrupting me from my thoughts.

I hadn’t come up with some great master plan of how to break the news to him. Maybe that would have been a good idea, but nothing seemed to make what I had to say any better. “Remember when I mentioned Canada?”

“I may have a vague recollection,” Remus said.

“I decided not to wait until after graduation. I’m leaving Hogwarts. Saturday.” I’d thought saying it all in a hurry would make it easier, but it hadn’t. Waiting for his response was like waiting to hear of a death. With every second that passed, the weight in my stomach seemed to triple.

“Oh,” he said finally and flipped the page of his textbook.

I stared. Was that all he was going to say? No guilt trip to make me stay? No emotions? Not even a trace of sadness. “Oh?” I asked.

“That’s what I said.”

He didn’t look up at me, just continued copying down names of plants. I felt the anger inside me begin to bubble. “Aren’t you going to say anything else?” I asked.

“Like what?” He glanced up at me and I saw a glassy sheen over his amber eyes. “You’ve already made your position perfectly clear. I can’t convince you to stay if you don’t want to so why bother wasting my breath.”

I watched him return to his notes, carefully scratching out ‘Devil’s Snare’ in perfect penmanship.

“Come with me.” The words came out of me in a rush, before I even realized I’d had the thought. “You don’t have to leave now. After graduation. You can come to.”

His quill froze, dripping black ink on the parchment. As each drop spread, it left a black stain, obscuring some of his neatly penned notes. He didn’t seem to notice. I watched the ink seep into the parchment and highlight every crease and fold. It was easier than watching his face.

“Go with you?” Remus asked, his voice hoarse.

I nodded soundlessly.

I wanted him to come with me. Perhaps one person wasn’t enough to keep me here, but maybe I was enough for him to come with me. Just maybe.

“Ana, my life is here. My friends. My parents. My future. It’s all here.” He took a deep, shaky breath. “If I were to go-” Remus stopped.

In that moment I knew it was hopeless. He was right. He’d built a life here around his lycanthropy. It was as much a part of him and his world as anything else. I hadn’t built any such structure. I had to leave everything I knew as me, from before I was bit.

“Don’t bother,” I said, tears clouding my eyes.

“I’m sorry.” It was all he could offer.

I tried to wipe the tears away, but they kept coming. I hadn’t realized until that moment how much I’d been hoping I wouldn’t have to leave everything behind. I’d wanted to take just a piece with me. I wanted to leave here, but keep Remus.

It hadn’t been fair to hope for that, but I had.

“It’s fine. You’re right. You’re here and me, I’ll be away. It’s better that way.” I could barely get the words out and my eyes kept leaking tears. Each time I wiped them away with my sleeve more flowed out. It seemed as though I had an endless supply.

“Are you okay?” I finally glanced up at Remus to see him staring at me, worry creasing his brow.

“Yeah, fine.” There couldn’t have been a more obvious lie in the world.

“You will be. You’ve survived so far. You’ll survive this too.” I smiled at him gratefully, through the tears. He always knew how to handle when I was upset. His cool logic made sense to me. I’d miss that.

I’d miss so much.

“Do you remember after our first full moon, you told me how it happened?” I asked.

Remus nodded carefully in response.

“It was the first of July,” I started shakily. I’d never told anyone this story before and I wasn’t sure exactly how to go about it. “I was taking a walk and this- it came out of nowhere. It was on top of me before I even realized what it was and I- I knew I was dead.” I shuddered.

Remus reached out his hand and gently pressed it against my own shaking ones. He didn’t say a word.

“Its teeth and paws kept ripping at me and I must- must’ve been screaming because this muggle man came over. He distracted the- the wolf and it left me for him and- no one ever found him. It killed him. Because of me. He should’ve stayed away and-” I drew in a sharp breath and stopped, my chest heaving slightly and tears still falling from my eyes.

Remus gripped my hand tightly. “Why are you telling me this?”

“I never told anyone before,” I whispered. “You’re the only person I can.”

I knew Remus understood. It ate at you, that you became the very thing ruined your life every month. You were the monster that destroyed you.

Unlike with Remus’s story, there were no villains in mine. He didn’t bite me on purpose, the muggle man couldn’t help. Nothing was anyone’s fault. It just happened. So the blame fell on myself. I should’ve had my wand, I should’ve stayed inside that night. I should’ve.

“Whatever you’re thinking, stop,” Remus said. His eyes gleamed at me. “You’re a survivor.”

“How do you know?”

“Because it takes a survivor to last as long as you have.”

My tears were slowing. The knot in my stomach eased ever so slightly. Remus let go of my hand. I could breathe again.

“Ana?” He asked, his voice low. “Don’t forget to live after you go. It’s not too late to have a life.”

I wanted to hug him tight and never let go, but I contained myself to a small smile. “Thank you,” I said. And I meant it. For everything he’d done.


	33. Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! This is the last real chapter (34 is an epilogue), so I just wanted to take this time to say thank you all so so much for all your comments and kudos. It's really meant the world to me these last few months and I've appreciated every one. I hope you enjoy the end!

Saturday came before I knew it. I’d half thought my last week at Hogwarts would last forever, but it was already time to go. My train left at eleven and by nine I was packing all my things. Even the other girls seemed to understand. None of them had been cross with Lily for bursting into tears and waking them up.

They watched me pack sympathetically. Lily hadn’t asked me to stay again, but I could tell she wanted to. She was curled up on my bed with her wide eyes fixed on me, biting her lip every so often as though she knew it was a bad idea.

I shut my trunk tight and bolted it. “I think that’s everything,” I said.

Lily barreled at me from the bed, pushing me into Maggie’s bed. “I’ll miss you so much,” she said, her eyes sparkling with tears. “I can’t believe you’re leaving.”

“I’ve still got another hour,” I told her.

“An hour’s plenty of time to throw an impromptu party,” James said.

We turned to stare at him. “How’d you get up here?” Lily demanded to know, letting go of me in the process. “You’re Head Boy for Merlin’s sake! You shouldn’t be anywhere near the girls’ rooms!”

James only winked. “A Marauder never shares his secrets. Take your bags, milady?”

I’d have had no problem carrying the trunk on my own, but I let James take it. A decision I immediately regretted as he promptly through it down the steps and took the stairs down as a slide. “Geronimo!”

Lily rolled her eyes at me. “Idiot,” she muttered. She waited for the stairs to return to their normal shape and then followed him down.

I smiled at Maggie and Paige who were the only two of my yearmates still waiting around. “I guess this is goodbye,” I said. We hadn’t been close, but I’d spent the last seven months sleeping in the same room as them. That implied some sort of bond.

“It was nice meeting you,” Paige said politely.

Maggie smiled at me. “Yeah, we’ll definitely miss you loads. So weird that you came late and now you’re leaving early, huh? Bye Ana!”

I headed down the stairs to meet up with Lily and the Marauders. They all smiled sadly at me, except for Peter who still seemed cross over my kicking him the other day. And possibly for having to wake up in the morning on a Saturday.

Sirius yawned widely at me, as though he could sense my thoughts. “Way to disrupt my sleep, Durmstrang.”

They walked me out of the castle with James chattering on about anything and everything under the sun. No one was really listening to him. I think we were all just lost in thought.

We reached the carriages early. One was waiting at the edge of the grounds and stamped its feet at me. I shuddered. The grisly beasts always felt a little too creepy.

I expected my friends to say goodbye there, but they all crawled into the carriage without a word. It was a tight fit for the six of us, but not a long ride so we managed.

“You better appreciate this,” Sirius muttered as he sat squeezed between Remus and Peter. “Because I would not be touching bums with other blokes for just anyone.”

I laughed and everyone else joined in. Leave it to Sirius to lighten the mood. “Don’t lie, Padfoot,” James said with a smirk. “You just love touching bums.”

Sirius aimed to kick him across the carriage, but missed and hit the wooden seat instead. He grimaced in pain and glowered at us. “I’m done. No one appreciates me.”

As the carriage bumped to a stop, we exited. The Hogwarts express sat at the station in all its glory.

“This feels kind of spooky,” Lily said, looking around. “It’s almost wrong, isn’t it? To be here when it’s not June or September? When no one else is around? Spooky.”

I had to agree with her. The platform was empty except for us. It did feel a little strange. I hoped the train wasn’t just for me.

“Well, this is it,” I said, looking at the five of them. It was really happening. I had finally taken control of something in my life and I was leaving Hogwarts.

“See ya,” Sirius said and walked back to the carriage.

“Thanks for caring?” I said, unsure of what just happened.

“He doesn’t like goodbyes,” James explained. “I mean, really hates them. He’ll be back though. Sap can’t resist the moment.”

“Oh.” I gave James a quick hug. “Thanks for the year. And the birthday party, even though it almost got me expelled.”

“Anytime,” he said with a grin.

Then I turned to Lily, my best friend. She had tears in her eyes and I was sure I did too. “Here.” She thrust a small package at me. I started to unwrap it, but she shook her head. “Not here. Wait until you’re on the train. Be safe Ana.” She wrapped me tight in a hug and for a moment I wondered if she would ever let go.

When she finally did she was crying harder, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. “C’mon,” she said to James through the tears. “Let her talk to Remus alone. We don’t need to be third wheels.”

I said goodbye to Pete and he hurried back to the carriage as it had started to drizzle. I turned to Remus who was the only one left. He’d meant the world to me, made me stronger the past few months. I didn’t know if I could have left without him.

“Hi,” I said quietly.

“Hi and bye in the same day, that seems a little much don’t you think?” He asked. I laughed. He’d always been able to make me laugh. “This is really it, then. No turning back once you get on that train.”

“I don’t think I’ll want to.” It was the truth. I was ready for this. In the fall I’d dreamt about leaving, at some unspecified future date, but now it was time.

Remus took a step closer to me as the rain dripped over our heads. I thought for a moment he was going to ask me to stay behind, but then he bent down and gave me a feather light kiss. It lasted for just a second, then he stepped back. His hair hung damp into his eyes and he brushed it back.

“So will I hear from you?”

I hesitated. I’d thought long and hard about this and had no good answer. “I don’t think so. A clean break would be best. Easiest.”

He nodded and I couldn’t tell if he was hurt or agreed with me. “Goodbye, Ana. Don’t forget that you’re a survivor.”

I started towards the train as eleven o’clock was nearing. Sirius came racing up to me, just as James had predicted he would. “Durmstrang! Don’t you get on that train without saying goodbye!”

I laughed and waited, package in one hand and trunk in the other. Sirius picked me up and hugged me tight. “I’d say I’ll miss you, but you’ll owl me so much there’s no point, right?”

“Of course,” I said, though I didn’t think that was fooling either of us. I probably wouldn’t keep in touch with any of them, not all the way in Canada. I’d probably never see them again.

“I’ll think of you whenever my arm hurts.”

I laughed, though my vision clouded with tears. “Your arm is fine,” I told him. It probably hadn’t ached in the slightest after a few weeks. He was just a big pansy.

“And I had nothing to do with that,” Sirius said, gesturing at the package. “I’m not some sap. I wanted to throw you a going away party, but that was vetoed.”

“I think you’re already in enough trouble,” I told him with a small smile. “Probably best not to tempt expulsion anymore.”

“Live life on the edge, Durmstrang. What’s the point if there’s not a risk?”

I opened my mouth to answer, but the train’s whistle cut me off. I looked at him, suddenly feeling sick to my stomach. This was it. I turned and pulled my trunk onto the train. The ball in the pit of my stomach tightened as the whistle blew again. This was the end.

“Ana!” I heard Sirius call to me. I glanced up, surprised he had used my real name. He’d only done that once before. “This isn’t the end. Letters and visits and lots of apparating-”

The train doors began to close and tears started pouring out of my eyes. I’d never figured Sirius Black for an optimist. If he was trying to convince either of us that we’d see each other again, I don’t think he was succeeding. I waved at him through the window.

As I looked further behind him, I saw Remus standing and staring at the train. I didn’t know if he could see me, but I pressed my palm against the cool pane of glass. He didn’t move in response. I kept that position until even I couldn’t fool myself that he was still in sight.

I pulled my trunk down the aisle to the first compartment. This time I didn’t have to search for an empty one. They were all empty.

I sat down and pulled out the package Lily had given me. The brown paper had gotten damp in the rain and pulled away easily. Underneath was a small book, leather bound and stitched together neatly. As I flipped through the pages, there were pictures of the six of us.

Me and Remus at a Quidditch game, our hair blowing in the wind as we laughed over and over on repeat.

The four Marauders in the common room, scowling at whoever behind the camera, then plastering fake smiles on their faces as I assumed Lily yelled at them.

Then Lily and James, dancing by the lake in never ending circles.

There were dozens of pictures. I hadn’t even noticed most of them being taken. It wasn’t until a drop fell on the page that I realized I was crying again. The tears wouldn’t stop as I pushed the book away. I’d left behind not just friends, but a family who accepted me for who I was. I wanted so desperately for that to be the wrong decision, but I knew it wasn’t. I needed to leave.

As I gained control again, I finished flipping through the book. About halfway through the pictures stopped and there was a note in Lily’s handwriting.

Ana-  
The empty pages are for all the friends and memories you’ll make in Canada. I didn’t want to fill your book with only us. Don’t forget that you’ll always have friends in England. We miss you so much.

PS Don’t let Sirius say he didn’t help. He did.

I hugged the book tight to my chest as my body shook with sobs. Just because this was the right choice for me didn’t make it stop hurting. These were my friends, my family. I’d never find anyone who could replace them or what they meant to me. They helped me survive this year and live again. Feel again.

And still here I was, on a train hurtling down the tracks away from all of that.


	34. Epilogue

James shut the door against the freezing January wind and walked back inside. His cloak was covered in fresh white powder. He itched to get out of the house. He felt like his lovely home, the one he’d so carefully purchased with Lily, had been turned into a prison. He was trapped.

“You didn’t leave the yard, did you?” Asked the sweet voice of his wife.

James groaned. If his home was a prison, his wife was the warden. Or perhaps a dementor, depending on how he felt at any given moment. “No, I didn’t leave the yard,” he snapped.

“It’s for your own safety,” she reminded him.

James rolled his eyes. Everyone was so concerned about his safety. Sometimes he wanted to pack up and leave, let Lily and the baby stay in this hellhole while he went out and fought Voldemort. Hiding wasn’t going to solve any problems and it’d been months now. He needed out.

As if on cue, the baby began wailing. A pair of soft lips pressed against his cheek. “Could you get Harry while I finish up supper?” Lily asked.

James sighed. Trapped, he thought again. “Of course, dear,” he said with a smile.

*

Lily washed her hands for the tenth time that evening. She always felt they had some kind of dirt on them, something that she couldn’t remove no matter how hard she tried. The baby upstairs kept crying and she closed her eyes, wishing that her husband could manage this on his own for once.

He thought she hadn’t noticed how unhappy he was, but Lily noticed everything. It was James who didn’t realize she was unhappy too. She had wanted to be a Healer. The marriage, the baby, You-Know-Who had all put that on hold. At the time it’d been okay, but it was her dream. She’d wanted that for as long as she knew what Healers were.

The sound of the baby’s crying grew closer and she sighed. She needed to get out of the house as much as her husband did. She loved James and Harry both, but this wasn’t what she signed on to when she agreed to marry him right out of Hogwarts.

“Lil? You’ve got the magic touch with him,” James said, cradling the baby all wrong. No wonder he was crying.

Lily reached out, smiling at tiny child with the small tuft of black hair. “Mama’s got you,” she said in her soothing voice, rocking on her feet. “Shh, Mama’s got you.”

*

The robes were heavy and the mask made his face itch. Outside it was cold, there was a large fire in the heart. The sweat dripped down Peter’s face, beneath the Death Eater’s mask the Dark Lord required he wear. He’d been waiting for an hour, but he knew better than to move. The Dark Lord would come when he was good and ready, not a moment before.

Peter sometimes wished in these moments while he waited that his life had gone a different way. He wanted to be more like Sirius or James. Even Remus. They were all real Gryffindors. He didn’t know why the Sorting Hat had chosen that House for him and he thought that maybe, just maybe, his life would be different.

He could have been in Slytherin. He would have made a better Slytherin than Gryffindor. He felt like a phony. People like him weren’t made to spy.

His life was near constant fear now. He’d been the Potters’ secret keeper for nearly a month, ever since the New Year, and had yet to tell the Dark Lord. He hoped that maybe he would grow disinterested in the Potters. Their little boy turned one in July, perhaps then he’d come to his senses and realize that the child was only that- a child.

Then Peter would no longer have to lie in a weak attempt to protect his former friend. He hadn’t wanted to be Secret Keeper in the first place, but when Sirius made up his mind there was no use arguing.

*

The flat was too big for Sirius’s liking. When he’d first bought it right after Hogwarts, he’d liked its size. All the better for throwing parties, he’d thought at the time. That was when he’d had people to throw parties with, before Dumbledore had forced his best mate under house arrest.

Visits with James had to be planned weeks in advance, Sirius hardly even got to see his godson. He couldn’t just pop over whenever he pleased. Which wouldn’t have been the worst except Remus had pulled away from all of them.

There was a spy in the Order, that much they knew, and Remus had been acting suspicious for months. Sirius was almost certain it was him which was why he’d given the Secret Keeper position to Peter. Remus would never suspect they’d made the switch.

Sirius took a swig of his firewhiskey, feeling the gratifying burn as it slid down his throat. He didn’t do anything anymore, except drink firewhiskey and write letters to all the people he should be spending his time with. At first he’d wasted his exorbitant free time in muggle pubs with girls and silly muggle sports, but even that failed to keep his interest.

He preferred drinking alone to the company of strangers.

*

Remus rubbed his hand tiredly down his face as he got back to his parents’ house. It had been a long day. He’d been to three different job interviews, but had limited hopes for them. As soon as they checked his name they always turned up the registry and he was done.

Oftentimes they didn’t bother to let him know, which was why he grew excited when a letter was waiting for him in his room. Excitedly he ripped it opened and scanned the first line.

A rejection.

At least that one had the courtesy of letting him know. It hadn’t even been for a good job. It was a shopkeeper’s position at a crummy shop on Diagon Alley that sold love potions. With his NEWTs he should have been able to get any job he wanted, but with the damned registry no one would hire him, not even for menial labor.

A knock came at his door. “Remus honey? Are you coming down for dinner?” His mum asked.

Remus sighed. He was twenty years old and still living at home. James was married, with a kid for Merlin’s sake. Sirius had his own flat. Only Peter was still living at home too.

“Yeah, Mum. Sure. I’ll down in a few.” He tossed the crumpled letter into the bin by his desk where it landed on the others. Soon he’d have to empty it. Again.

*

Night came early now. Ana made sure she was inside as soon sun went down, but sometimes she considered leaving her small house and just running. She didn’t have anywhere to go, though, so she stayed put.

Canadian winters were as cold as the ones she was used to at Durmstrang, perhaps even colder. She rarely put the fire out and preferred to curl up beside it with her photobook, the one Lily had given her on the day she left. She flipped through it nearly every night and the pictures soothed her.

She’d been happier then. Ana traced the smile on her face, wondering when the last time she’d laughed and joked with anyone was. She wondered where her friends were now, what they were doing. She hoped they were happy, especially Remus.

None of them had owled her in months. The last time was when James and Lily’s baby was born, Harry. The time before that had been a wedding invitation, but Ana hadn’t gone.

Sirius and Lily had both tried to keep in touch for a few months, but it hadn’t lasted. Those things never did.

She reached the end of the pictures of Hogwarts and turned the page. Baby Harry smiled up at her, black hair just like James’s and green eyes like Lily’s. He was perfect. Then she closed the book.

The only picture she’d added in last two years was Harry’s. The rest of the book was still blank.


End file.
